What a stupid name!

From reading previous stories I have written lately. I can sense that I am on some sort of science fiction like kick. Lately I am obsessed with two particular planets with in the solar system, Neptune and Uranus.

The science fiction like ramblings can be found here

Now I have come to this conclusion Uranus is a stupid name for a planet. Jupiter, Saturn, Neptune, Venus, Mars, Mercury, all cool names, Uranus, plain stupid! They should have stuck to the original name suggested for it.

It was first named Georgium Sidus. It means Star of George, named in honour of King George III by it’s discover in 1781 Sir William Herschel, but no they just had to give it the name, which is now subjected to ridiculous jokes. I suppose it’s because they had to be in theme with the whole Greek and Roman mythology theme, which makes sense but still, Uranus?
This odd name brings up memories from high school when we were studying astronomy. We each had to pick a planet to do a presentation on. No one wanted to pick Uranus, including me. I picked Neptune. The student, who was stuck with Uranus, was subject to humiliation. I remember the science teacher saying how cool the planet was and how it’s pronounced your-ran-us and not your anus.

Uranus also reminds me of Futurama, in a particular episode Fry is using Professor Farnsworth’s smellascope, an instrument used to smell heavenly bodies, in which Saturn smells like strawberries. Anyways Fry excitedly asks if he can smell Uranus. Professor Farnsworth then answers his query by saying the name of the planet has been changed due to the jokes surrounding it. The new name? Urectum. Quite the change indeed! Coincidentally Fry comes across a big giant ball of 20th century garbage, which threatens to destroy New New York, but enough about that.

Uranus is a unique planet in my opinion it spins on its side, has 21 confirmed moons, some them named by famous characters in written works by playwright William Shakespeare and poet Alexander Pope and it has a vast ocean, which is extremely hot, it temperature reaching 6650°C.

And its because of this fascination with planets I wonder why I became a writer and not an astronomer like I intended to in the first place.

And now some sad news…Wild Will is now being retired…the last story ever has been written about him. Here….warning its mean…It was half written when I was mad at someone and half written when I no longer was…you’ll know who once you read it.

And now some happy news…after some talk and deliberation…Wild Will has come out of retirement one the basis that will be no more stories about the A.E.S.M.

Finbarpurpleton: Owe My Entire Brain!

Today I think I might take the time to tell you about my story…

Oh right!

I can’t really describe what it’s about because even though I have written up 17 chapters now. That’s right 17 chapters I still have no idea where it’s going. It’s officially become the longest most strangely random story I have ever written.

Here’s what I think it might be about:

It involves the adventures of Bamboozles crime fighting duo Captain Bottle Pop and Mrs. Bruce Willis Man. Some say their superheroes but it’s apparent that they are actually super bullies. Sarah Evans a reporter along with her dog Finbarpurpleton vow to uncover the truth about them. Along the way other insane characters are introduced as well as random chaos. Not to mention the most beautiful boy ever seen and the dreaded unspeakable name.

Some words I would use to describe it:

Random
Weird
Strange
Entertaining
Bizarre characterization
Beautiful people
Meanness
Sarcastic
Unexpected tragic deaths
Plot holes galore!
Unusual character names

I wonder, could it be published? My reasoning for this constant thought is: I know I partly write it because it gives me self amusement but if I spend so much time writing I might as well consider it.

You can read it here if you’re so inclined to do so. Let me know what you think.

I've been everywhere, from east to west to down under!

I have come to the conclusion that I really don’t have a home town, but I have learnt that it’s not the place that is home it’s the family.

Here is a list of places that I have lived and still has importance to me. These are all the places I’ve uncoolified, due to my presence. Ha ha just kidding. So far I have lived in Eastern Canada, Western Canada and Australia.

Nanaimo B.C. : I was born here…It’s a nice city on Vancouver Island. I don’t remember much but I do remember buying a bouncy ball from a pharmacy near my home. It got deflated and I had to keep pestering my mom to buy me a new one.

The Hazeltons B.C.: The Hazeltons you ask? It’s merely more than one town. There are Old Hazelton, New Hazelton, and South Hazelton. The Hazeltons are a logging community in Northern British Columbia. It was a some what thriving community until they shut the mill down. Now it is slowly becoming a ghost town. I consider it special because my brother was born in New Hazelton. Also there is heaps of family living there so even though we moved we did have a good reason to come back to visit. The scenery is beautiful. Majestic mountains and wildlife were common scenes, but it has the life of small town.

Cashe Creek B.C.: One of Grandmas lives there. It a small town too, right on the Trans Canada Highway, so there were a lot of tourists and people passing through on their way to Vancouver. There was nothing interesting about this place and if you wanted to go see a movie it was an hour and half away.

Ashcroft B.C.: This place was in the close vicinity of Cashe Creek. Its pretty much the same because it is also a small town. It is also very hot in summer because it was decided to locate it in a hot valley. The only thing interesting here is watching the tumbleweeds blow by and seeing the somewhat historic buildings. Apparently they have filmed a lot of movies here because of its location.

Pictou N.S.: My British Grandma lives here. It is situated in Eastern Canada of more correctly The Maritimes. The claim to fame? Perhaps the ship Hector which brought over Scottish settlers. Nova Scotia was on of the first provinces to become Canada and it’s a tourist hotspot, which means a lot of Americans

New Glasgow N.S.: Oddly enough close to Pictou. What can I say it’s pretty much the same except slightly bigger. Its interesting to note that my Mom was born here. It is also a tourist destination. However people in Eastern Canada are a lot friendlier.

Lethbridge A.B.: I lived here for a majority of my teenage life…actually I spent all of my teenage years there. Lethbridge is an OK city. I used to hate it but now that I haven’t been there in 10 months I really miss it. I went to high school and college here. Places of interest, that are a definite attractions are The Downtown Post Office, Nikka Yuko Japanese Gardens, High Level Bridge, Sir Alexander Galt Museum, Indian Battle Park and Fort Whoop Up. Its actually a pretty cool place to visit if you can stand dorks calling it L.A., the brutally cold winters, although those don’t last long due to Chinooks, then there of course humid and hot summers, yes summer, the 100 km winds, and the onslaught of American Christmas shoppers who come every year because of its proximity to the American border.

Rockhampton Australia: I think I write about my experiences in this blog enough that it does not warrant a detailed description.

Note: B.C. means British Columbia, N.S. means Nova Scotia and A.B. means Alberta. All three are provinces in Canada.

Which is funnier A: Finbarpurpleton or B: FERGUS! or C: Bigfoots Chest hair!

Just like Chris I found a name that makes me laugh or at least amuses me. It’s FINBARPURPLETON, I was writing my story when the name suddenly came to me. It made me laugh, but then again it’s not as funny as the name FERGUS! And just like that name it is also a dastardly unspeakable name.

This has inspired a Carol story, which I did say I was never writing again, but anyways.

Melissa: What do you think of the name Finbarpurpleton? It makes me laugh myself silly.
Carol: What are you a child?
Melissa: No…oh OK what about the name Fergus! My friend Chris seems to think it is pretty funny.
Carol: Oh that’s right you’re a weird NERDY retarded weird girl. Because you keep asking nerdy retarded questions and making up stupid names.
Melissa: Yeah well at least I have an imagination…and you’re FAT!
Carol: I hate you. (punches Melissa in the face) I thought you said you weren’t going to write mean stories about me anymore.
Melissa: Owwwwwwweeeeee! I was just stating a fact its nothing to get violent over and well ummm…you inspire me because you’re fat.
Carol: Nooo facts can’t be stated they can only be stored like fat….like my fat.
Melissa: (sighs) My Face hurts.
Carol: My fat hurts.

And Chapter 12 of my story is now up. You can read it here if you’re so inclined to do so.

Today after six days of doing nothing at all because lets face it I am lazy I had work. It was surprisingly busy. The kitchen was a mess…it was blissful chaos. It reminded me of what real restaurant should be like. For the first hour all I think I saw was rice. I made three 20 litre containers of rice, then a plethora of dishes and soon after I made 30 rolls of sushi for a catering function and the twilight markets. I like working were I work, the pay is decent and the staff are cool.

Unfortunately, I have to look for a new job because they haven’t been giving me hours…it seems the only way to get a decent amount of hours is to be either A. 14 years old or B. Korean or ethnic like. The last remark was not meant as a prejudice remark as I was just stating a fact. I mean it’s not my fault they want cheap labour and an authentic ethnic feel about their restaurant. So now the job hunt begins….

Flaunt it if you got it, but if you don't want to thats OK Too!

It’s hard to believe November is over. Its almost been 10 months since I’ve been in Australia.

I know I’m bored when…on Wednesday I made a sign that says “GO AWAY I HATE YOU!” on my bedroom door just to see how the other flatmates would respond. Kumar thought it was directed at him and Kristine wondered why it was even on my door.

I should also point out that Kumar and I are getting along much better now.

I spent the last couple of days writing my story. It’s coming along good. I have written 11 chapters now. Its probably one of the first real stories I have actually written. I have a new idea in the works. As always you can read the story here. Or perhaps one day I might divuldge a preview.

And I am easily amused for the following reasons.

- I think its cool I can call my mom and its still November and its December here. I can’t wait till Jan 1. I can call and it will be the year 2007 but it will still be 2006 in Canada.
- Kumar has a girl bike
-A Boy Named Sue…that’s got to be the funniest song I’ve heard.
- My mom likes Minties too :)
-The humidity makes my hair really curly.

Today I went shopping with Joan and Justin. It was alright. Joan had me try on like 11 different swimsuits. I feel bad because I didn’t like any of them. She seems to think it’s important to show cleavage and it just isn’t me. I know I know flaunt it if you got it, but I don’t want guys looking at me for the wrong reasons.

Justin and Joan bickered for a good part of the shopping experience. My friend Carol once said its awkward when couples show affection in public, but I say it’s more awkward when they fight. Perhaps I should have been “brutally blunt” and told them I felt this way, but I am sure I showed it when I magically phased out for about 15 minutes. On a good note I did buy some Christmas cards and a new chain for my locket.

Another Love Hate Relationship

Take note the previous entry was actually directed a more than one person.

One of which is my new flatmate Kumar. It’s because of this it has come to my attention that I have developed another love/hate relationship. For some reason he just irritates the hell out of me. We clash horribly. Kristine says it’s probably normal that the flat was mine before he moved in and he is in my territory. Interesting thought, but how come I liked her straight away. I have only ever clashed with one flatmate besides him. Don’t get me wrong he is nice guy and I am sure he means well but it’s just the odd quick that gets in the way.

And take note I have said all that I am about to whinge about to this his face. Previous lessons learnt from a previous experience.

So far I have:

-Managed to be uninvited to from eating curry or any Indian food permanently. I didn’t understand that when you share with people in India everyone is automatically invited. If I known I might not have had dinner previously and decided to love lamb liver.

-Angered him because I have a bad habit concerning the dishes. This one annoys all flatmates I have had; except for Kristine she seems pretty slack about them too.

- Learnt to put the toilet seat down on a permanent basis. I feel like taping it down just to see how he likes it. It’s pretty much expected in western culture that when I guy uses the toilet seat and there are girls living in the same area. The toilet seat should be left down.

- Learnt the air conditioner although it is there for our use is apparently not allowed to be used because it costs money. Even though there is no way of telling who is using it its still bad and were all supposed to endure the heat. It’s not my fault certain housemates particularly Kristine use the air-con on at night.

-Had my Brita jug contaminated by spit because he is too lazy to use a glass.

- I am apparently to spendthrift, eat unhealthy, sleep to much. And I should be paid to write worthwhile not write stuff that has no meaning. As if he as even read anything I have written.

-Offended him on certain the issues, particularly homosexuality. It’s not my fault he’s homophobic! Although, I probably shouldn’t have said to him: “For someone who is so against homosexuality you seem pretty interested in Chris’s boyfriend.” Maybe because when ever he came into my room he would always ask about Jeremy. Not to mention make many unecessary homophobic comments. I also understand that homosexuality is a controversial subject. But it hurts when people say mean things about your friends.

To all this I say:

GO AWAY I HATE YOU!

My half attempt at a contradictory apology

I have learnt the important lesson to be careful of what you write in a blog.

Apparently I offended someone very deeply and wrote some things that are particularly mean and hurtful. And because I don’t want to make matters worse, I am not going to say who this person is.

This may sound contradictory but here is my thoughts on the matter.

1. I apologize for offending anyone I know.
2. But I don’t apologize for what I wrote or said because I meant it at the time and I still do. I am sick of apologizing for how I feel.
3. The previous two statements contradict each other.
4. Also if I ever implied that you were cracking on to me….YOU WISH! I backtracked my blog and no where did I find a hint of this. I was most likely writing about someone else.
5. The above statement just contradicted the previous two statements again.
6. On second thought I apologize for nothing. Bite My Shinny Metal Ass!
7. I can “grow a back bone!” The person who said this particular phrase to me should grow a brain and leave me alone like I told them too in the first place but I guess that’s not going to happen.
8. How can you expect me to be nice to you when you say mean things about my friends?
9. You’re full of yourself. Look in the mirror you’re not all that and a box of Smarties.
10. Next time I see this person I’m plan on telling all this to his face.

This question is irritating me lately: “Are you going home for Christmas?” I am finding it really hard this month it being so close to Christmas and my family being so far away. It’s because of this question I think I snapped at a customer at work the other day.

Customer: That’s an interesting accent where are you from?
Me: Canada.
Customer: Oh cool are going home for Christmas?
Long awkward silence.
Me: You know that question is really depressing me lately
Customer: I know what you mean…
Me: Doubt it
Customer: Actually I do
Me: Actually you don’t.
Customer: Excuse me?
Me: Well it feels that way. My family is a million miles away and I can’t afford to go home.
Customer: Oh I’m sorry that must be hard.
Me: Obviously

This just proves that I am either:
A: Homesick,
B: A Bitch,
C: Both A and B,
D: Pathetic and sarcastic
E: All of the above

I am betting on the last one.

However from talking to people I found out that I’m not the only one with out their family for Christmas and for those of you who are I sympathize with you.

You know what I just realized. I have a really strange writer quirk. I switch from past to present tense a lot. Well I already realized that. What I just thought of is. My Wild Will stories they switch from past to present. I was going to fix them but then I thought that’s what makes the stories unique. It’s now become an essential element to the stories, along with the inside jokes and strange occurrences, among other things. I am also sad to say the Wild Will story I am writing now will be my last. On a good note I found away to incorporate the Wild Will characters into another story I am writing.

SHUT UP!

Holly smokes on Sunday it will have been nine months since I came to Australia. NINE MONTHS! I honestly never thought I would make it this long. I find it odd that I am now up to nine flatmates. It’s as if I had a flatmate for every month that I have been here.

I finished another chapter of my superheroes story. You can read it here.

Strange words I have learnt from Chris and Kate:

Melissibate
Masterkate
Kristibate
Sexualinterchris
Fallopian pie

Annoying nickname that keep getting called lately: “Tits McKenna”

I’m going to say it here because I know my friends read this blog. I seriously don’t like being called that.

Things I’ve noticed lately:

Chris and Kate still accuse me of killing characters in movies still. And now apparently so does Amy.

And for some reason every time I’ve seen Joan she keeps referring to herself in the third person. It’s quite interesting if you think about it.

I know my friends are having an influence on me. So much in fact I spoke to my Korean co-work Cho as if they were Chris or Kate. It happened like this on Friday. I was filling up the sour cream when I spilt it all over the place. I accidentally cursed. I didn’t think anyone had heard me, but apparently that wasn’t the case. Cho heard me.

Cho: You shouldn’t says bad words
Me: Shut up! I never said a bad word
Cho: Yes you say bad words
Me: Shut up! No I didn’t!
Cho: Shut up is bad words.
Me: Shut up you’re a bad word!
Cho: (gives me a funny look.) You said bad words.

Alright the phrase shut up isn’t exactly a nice thing to say. It’s more rude than bad and it’s true I shouldn’t say bad words.

This is completely unrelated but Cho annoys me. He steals jobs that the manager asks me to do and he sneaks behind me for no apparent reason. When I turn around he is just there. It’s seriously creepy.

Another random observation about work would be: When the manager Joe and Cho speak to each other in Korean. I always wonder what they are talking about.

On Thursday octogenarian pregnant old lady men were fighting over plastic shopping bags at the bus stop. Apparently one of the men’s bags broke or it was blown away in the wind. He promptly blamed it on the guy sitting beside him. There was almost a physical confrontation. They started yelling at each other and calling each other bastards. It was the stupidest thing. Surprisingly the others waiting for the bus paid no attention to this altercation. I silently observed this while a lady with 80s style hair with bad smelling perfume sat beside me. However, once my bus came the two oldies managed to put the quarrel behind them. One of them remarked how he gets angrily easy. You think?

I am writing in a writer writer wonder land!

I received good marks for my second term. They are as follows.

Introduction to Communication – HD

Cultural and Media Identity – D

Mass Media and Journalism – D

Reporting the Asia Pacific – D


For those of you who do not know:

HD means High Distinction
and
D means Distinction

Today I feel a sense of accomplishment. I have finished eight chapters in total of my new story that I am writing. You can read it here if you want. I think I like this story better than most of the stories have written lately.

Of course I haven’t forgotten about Wild Will. I am still writing the one about Kate. And no Kate you can’t see it until it’s finished. No one else got to see their story before it was done. *Sticks out tongue*

Nothing of importance happened on Monday. Except I slept in and mine and Amy’s Indian friend Kumar is to become my new flatmate. I have no idea when he is moving in. I think its some sort of weird coincidence. That would make him flatmate number nine.

Chris says I seem to get the weird people. For example, the movie collector, the chronic complainer, the scary drunk, and the one who speaks in a muffled garble.

On Saturday I went out clubbing with Chris and Kate. It was alright, but there was one problem. I forgot my passport and the ID I had wasn’t sufficient enough. So we had to go all the way back to my place to get it. Other than that it was alright. Although, I felt slightly self conscious, I am not really into the clubbing scene. I would rather stay home and write.

I felt like I was having bad luck. So Chris and Kate blamed me for four things that went wrong on Saturday and Sunday. I assume they were joking of course

1. Losing my passport
2. Wedging Kate’s car door into the grassy lawn, which cause her to have to dig up Chris’s lawn with garden shovel.
3. Making characters die on movies specifically by way of heart attacks and characters have near death experience.
4. Encouraging the characters make sweet sweet love.

On Friday I finally got my mom a didgeridoo. I also bought my mom and brother a boomerang, some Fantails and Minties. I have also included a Christmas card with Koala’s on it. I finally succeed in getting my family a cool present.

“What’s a nice Canadian girl like you doing here in this hot weather?”

First off my brother turned 15 yestoday so:

Happy Birthday Tony!

Yesterday was a good day for the following reasons:

I received my Introduction of Communication and Culture assignment, in which I got a really good mark.

I finally figured out what to get my mom and brother for Christmas. A didgeridoo! And all I had to do was ask. You see I rang up my brother to wish him a happy birthday when I had this odd conversation with my mom:

Me: Hey Mom I’ve been trying to find you a present for Christmas that is uniquely Australian.
Mom: Oh really what about that instrument that is only found in Australia.
Me: Instrument?
Mom: You know the one that makes the funny sound. (Imitates sound, really well I might add)
Me: Ooooh a didgeridoo?
Mom: (Sounds excited about the prospect of possibly getting a didgeridoo)Yes that’s it. That would be really neat Melissa.
Me: Brilliant! I have been struggling to think of a something Australian to give you and Tony that isn’t one of those tacky collectables. So you want one? I am sure I can find a cheep one at one of those touristy places.
Mom: Are you saying I’m cheap? (She’s joking by the way.)
Me: Well no it’s just that an authentic one might be pricey. I’ll see what I can do.
Mom: I understand but it would be cool all the same.

Things I have been thinking about lately: (in no particular order)

My nationality keeps coming everyday. It’s weird because I have become accustomed to the “what part of America are you from?” question. However a guy I met on the way to the bus today. He picked up instantly that I was Canadian. He said he can tell the difference. He says that the American accent is more brash and loud, while the Canadian accent although similar is quieter and friendlier. I am starting to feel bad for Americans for some reason. Maybe it’s because no one likes them. How can people judge 300 million people on the stereotype that all they are obnoxious and think they own the world?

The climate or weather in Canada comes second. People always figure its cold. Canada has SUMMER! Nice warm summers depending where you live. Yes there is winter but its different depending where you live. The Prairies have cold winters; Central and Atlantic Canada have cold and wet winters. Vancouver, has nice mild winters.

And now for some cultural differences, or as it sounds from reading this really random ranting:

The proper name for Eskimos is Inuit.

Ice hockey is not a bloody violent sport it’s the awesomest game ever and its Canada’s national pastime not national sport. How come I never here how violent and bloody rugby is over here. *shakes fist in anger*

Canada has a foot ball league called the CFL and the players who wear all the padding and stuff are not pansies or wimps.

Another example of my nationality as a topic of discussion happened today.

Customer: What’s a nice Canadian girl like you doing here in this hot weather?
Me: I’m going to uni.
Customer: Oh I figured.
Me: It’s going to be the opposite in Canada.
Customer: I know I bet its getting really cold. (laughs)

You bet? Don’t laugh buddy my family is about to endure cold. Grrrrr…..wait never mind.

Hungry Jack’s commercials only have stereotypical masculine guys in them. Obviously the target audience or person they think comes to their restaurants is blokey blokes but I have seen girls come to eat at the restaurant. This one is strange to me for some reason. It’s been irritating me for weeks. Perhaps it’s proof that I think to much or that those communication classes I took at uni taught me to look stuff differently.

I have always heard the expressions “the American way or “the Australian way”, but for some reason when I hear the terms “the Canadian way” it sounds awkward. In fact if I put any other nationality in between the and way it sounds bizarre. Also I always here the some what negative expressions, “un-American” or “un-Australian”, but again I never hear the term un-Canadian. To me it suggests those expressions mean conformity. This concept has really confounded me lately and I have no idea why. Maybe it’s the letter A. I am really interested in what others think of this too.

Grizzly bears in Canada are like crocodiles in Australia. Each country knows how to stay safe around them, and tourists always seem to be the ones attacked by them.

I want to go to New Zealand, Malaysia, Japan and Brazil. So much in fact I keep dreaming that I go there and actually, I want to go to a lot of places.

Randomosity

Tis been a long absence….

But there hasn’t been anything to write about really.

Basically:

Everyday I went to work my nationality, was yet again brought up. However, I am getting better at making sushi and according to Step a staff member, my behaviour is funny, in a good way of course.

I started a completely new story and it’s not about Wild Will. It’s starting off OK, only it really weird. It’s a parody of superhero type stories. Each of the characters is based on my friends. So far it’s in story format but I thinking of trying it in script format. This isn’t to say that this story couldn’t exist in the Wild Will reference. Consequently I started another Wild Will story about Kate…she wears a pink tutu and has a shoe named George. The idea is Kate is mad because the writer hasn’t included in any previous stories, except for one, which she feels is by default.

Lately I really miss home. I feel like everyone back in Canada has forgotten about me. Perhaps I should e-mail them

Random things that have happened:

I bought new CDs

Joan met my flatmate Kristine.

And....

I’m addicted to Minties.

The end!

Today was pretty much the same...endless boredom.

Whoo! I finally finished another Wild Will story. You can read it here if you are inclined to do so. If not you suck! No I’m just kidding.

Anyways….

If you ever want to read any other stories I have written you can read them here…

I remembered this anecdote from my trip to Sydney.

Chris and I were talking to Mike the guy from Greenpeace. At this moment Mike and I were discussing the ice hockey strike in Canada.

Mike: The hockey strike back home hurt Canadians they cancelled the whole season.
Me: I know it sucked. I was just starting to like hockey too. I mean Movie Night in Canada as opposed to Hockey Night in Canada….grrr…
Chris: (says nothing gives kind of a confused look)
Mike: Imagine if they cancelled Rugby here
Chris: I don’t watch rugby
Mike: OK well imagine all the typical Aussie blokes who thrive on rugby.
Chris: (Gives a Chris like look) they would probably beat me up instead.

Yesterday I told my mom I joined Greenpeace she said it was cool. It’s true I am obsessed with the fact that I joined Greenpeace.

Dinner on Tuesday night was alright. Kristine started off cooking it but Kate took over and I helped. Kate couldn’t eat it when it was done because she had hockey but, she came back afterward the game. It was fun cooking. Kristine said she would do the dishes but, I was so bored today I ended up doing them. And that was Tuesday…writing a story and doing dishes.

Today was pretty much the same.

SYDNEY! The Awesomest City on Earth!

Yesterday was a good day. I went to work and it was busy. During the rush I was trying to cook hot meals. I tried to take the cap off the spray oil but instead the cap went flying off and hit the manager Suzie in the face. I was so embarrassed.

Today on the other hand was a completely lazy day. I spent it watching some sappy made for TV movie about a 16 year old girl who became a mother, writing my story and just sitting in complete silence doing nothing at all thinking about stuff. Later on I am having dinner with my new flatmate Kristine and her girlfriend Sandra. I invited Kate for good measure I hope she can come too. I will be awesome.

And here is proof that I am still obsessed with Carol stories.

Amy and I were walking past the Queen Victoria Building in Sydney when I saw a statue of Queen Victoria. In which the following conversation took place.

Me: I took a picture of the statue of Queen Victoria
Amy: I see sounds like something you would do.
Me: Yes I want to superimpose Carols face on that statue of Queen Victoria
Amy: Really?
Me: Yes and I will call it Carol Queen of the fat!
Amy: MELISSA! That’s mean.

Yes, yes it is and the real Carol will probably read that and never speak to me again. But then again I was referring to what Chris and call Story Carol. The real Carol is a lot different.

Here be the Carol version

Amy, Melissa and Carol are walking by the Queen Victoria Building in Sydney. Melissa snaps a picture of the Queen Victoria statue in the front.

Carol: Stop taking Pictures you NERD!
Melissa: But it’s Queen Victoria!
Amy: Relax Carol it’s just something Melissa does.
Carol: What! Act like a nerdy retarded weird NERD girl.
Amy: No no Carol taking pictures
Melissa: There for my family because they can’t be here I am acting as there eyes and ears.
Carol: Your family of NERDS?
Melissa: (Gives and exasperated sigh) No Carol. Actually I am taking this picture for you. I want to superimpose your face on that statue of Queen Victoria
Amy: Really? Awe Melissa that is nice of you.
Carol: Why Melissa? You’re not that way are you?
Melissa: Well no but…
Amy: Well I guess Carol isn’t going to like Oxford Street
Carol: Why would we want to go to street named after Oxen that’s BESTIALITY!
Melissa: Err…. right anyways about that picture… I will call it Carol Queen of the fat!
Amy: MELISSA! That’s mean.
Carol: Melissa I am already Queen of the FAT! We should superimpose your head on there too so you can be Melissa Queen of the NERDS!

As for Sydney it was awesome, although a little expensive, the night life is spiffy and you can pretty much walk anywhere. I reminded me of the big cosmopolitan cities back home in Canada like Vancouver, Toronto or Montreal. However, Sydney was something that was completely Sydney like. It was better than I imagined it too be.

The plane ride to and from Sydney was like any other plane ride except both flights had medical emergencies. On the flight from Brisbane they had paramedics coming on board once we landed. However, on the way home it wasn’t as serious. It was just someone who was badly airsick.

Here are some highlights of my trip:

First off seeing my friends Chris and Amy that was the best part, we hung out and had fun, such as getting caught in a rainstorm, eating at a 24 hour McDonalds and riding the monorail twice. At the monorail I got stuck in the entry way and I forget which stop but a bunch of Asians came into are car. Needless to say I got claustrophobic.

Meeting Jeremy was pretty cool. He is awesome. He is probably the smartest person I have ever met.

On Saturday Amy, Chris, Jeremy and I went to Taronga Zoo. I got a little carried away with my camera and took way to many pictures. Sadly there were no elephants. Apparently they were in quarantine. I have six rolls to develop most of which are of animals, random photos of my friends and The Opera House. When I asked if there was a place to get film, Amy and Jeremy kept trying to convince me Sydney doesn’t sell film anymore. On the way back we took the air tram. Poor Chris was scared of heights and Jeremy kept on teasing him about an impending air tram accident. Luckily no such accident happened and we arrived safely on the ground.

After the zoo Chris, Amy and I went to the Opera House. It’s different seeing it in real life, especially when you’re standing right in front of it. In the professional photographs the Opera House looks so pristine, beautiful and white. In real life it looks giant and daunting, yet beautiful. Later on that night Chris, Amy and I went to a bar on Oxford Street. Chris and I kept laughing at stuff Amy didn't get it.

On Sunday Amy and I went on Sydney Tour bus. I was fun. The bus went by The Sydney Harbour Bridge, The Opera House, and a lot of museums, Kings Cross, The Rocks, The Chinese Garden and a whole lot more. At the end we were both wind blown and cold.

And finally I joined Greenpeace. I was walking through Hyde Park to towards Oxford Street to find Chris and then I was stopped by another Canadian named Mike. We talked about hockey and the environment. Obviously we talked about those two things because, A: Hockey is a Canadian symbol and B: He was a member of Greenpeace and they are all about the environment. My new flatmate Kristine says I am a sucker for joining. Well I believe it’s important to take care of the environment.

They only thing that wasn’t as great was the hostel I stayed at. No one talked to each other and just kept to themselves. Are people to afraid to talk to each other anymore?

But, I think the worst part of the trip was I had to leave.

However, Amy and I made unofficial plans to go to Melbourne or back to Sydney.

P.S. Amy your right in reference to staring it is supposed to be starring. I really ought to check the spelling before I finish a movie. I think I got the case of the insufferable know it all syndrome. Anyways I would like to apologize for that.

Its all happening in Melissaville

In three days I shall be going to Sydney! Yay! The only person I think is more excited about Sydney than me is Amy.

Today I had to work. I found another fly in the food. Ewwwww! Other than that not much has happened today. For some reason it doesn’t feel like October to me. Usually for me October means autumn there is either the possibility of snow, actual snow, a slight chill and leaves everywhere. It doesn’t make me homesick it just feels abnormal because it’s almost summer here in Australia. In fact I can’t even tell the differences between seasons it just seems like endless spring or summer.

I have four favourite TV shows:

Smallville
Futurama
Corner Gas
Royal Canadian Air Farce

Lately I have been obsessed with the first on my list, Smallville.

Kate doesn’t like the show. She said that the original Superman is better. I like both. Also I think Tom Welling is gorgeous. Ha so there! I remember Kayla saying that watching Smallville is better if you don’t know any Superman folklore. I disagree my opinion is, you don’t have to know the Superman tale, but it makes it more enjoyable if you do. She did not like me disagreeing and went all know it all to prove the point that she was right. But, she is gone now so I don’t care.

Smallville also reminds me of home. I remember watching it with my mom and feeling upset because she had (probably still does) nine favourite shows. I just wanted a show that I could watch by myself, that didn’t involve vampires, forensics, hospital dramas, or having to pick up a phone and vote for someone. But then again my mom also like Superman related stuff as does my brother. It must be genetic or I am just a NERD retarded weird girl.

Ah yes, I have put up a new story…you can read it here. It’s a prelude to an even bigger story that I have been working on. This one involves Melissa on a bike, John on trike, Wild Will and Carol.

"And all I wanted was a flat to myself!"

Today had an interesting start. At 1:23 a.m. Jack woke me up with a text message…he was in a drunken state. Ummm…well I was sleeping and annoyed that I was awoken from my very good sleep! So I told him so. Its funny that he would text me so early, but even funnier that I texted him back. I do the strangest things. I apologized for snapping at him in the morning at a more decent hour. He said it was cool.

Also Corrine is gone now…she moved out in a hurry this morning….for an hour I thought I might actually have a flat to myself…I even announced my aloneness to Chris, but an hour later someone new moved in. Her name is Christine she is nice or as Chris would say she are nice. She is also happy because she isn’t stuck with the smallest room. I now have been through seven different flatmates. I am now up to eight. Louie was right when she said people come and go quickly around here. Maybe my flat is cursed.

I also thought it was cool how Christine has been to Asia. I want to go there someday. My mom says I shouldn’t but she is basing it on the fact that I might get kidnapped and sent into the sex trade. I kid you not. My mom worries too much. I think it’s genetic because I worry a lot too.

In other news I have made it up too 12 characters in the same scene. I have figured out how to do it. I would tell you but that’s a secret. Amy wants me to write her a story for when I see her in Sydney. I had an idea for a Wild Will one. But I already wrote her one. I am thinking of writing a completely different story all together. I am not sure what yet. There is also a Kate story in the works…I have so many writing projects at hand. I think I might go insane, but then again I am happiest when I am writing.

The third person perspective

According to Chris and Kate I am Mexican because I haven’t earned the write to be Canadian…Right well anyways, the highlights of my day at work are as follows: scrubbing the fridge floor on my hands and knees, and finding a dead fly on a piece of ham in the sub bar… Ewwwwww! What an interesting life I have.

I have decided to take a crack at the horribly confusing story I mentioned trying to write yesterday. I think I figured out how to do it. I consider it a challenge as a writer. In fact I think I have changed as a writer. I have spent like last couple of weeks looking at old stories I have written. I can see how my style of writing has changed.

When I was 17, I used to write about my two dogs Shelby and Heidi and sometimes my cat Mullygin. They were my muses. Unfortunately Heidi died because she was run over by a car. Shelby was given away because she was attacking Heidi as well as other dogs. I thought she might have to be put down. Mullygin went missing in the forests of northern Canada. My mom speculates that she was eaten by a cougar or a lynx, which are carnivorous cats. After Shelby was given away it would never be the same. I haven’t ` written a story about them since February 2003. After Heidi died I stopped reading them. I don’t think I will ever write a story about them again.

I can feel another character that may soon join the ranks of lost characters, Wild Will and his associates. He represents my anger. I usually write about him when I am mad or in some sort of strange mood. I just haven’t been able to keep him in character. It really annoys me because I think he has potential to be a real cult figure, besides Amy’s of course.

What about putting me as a character in a story and referring to myself in the third person? Perhaps if I put it from my perspective it would feel strange writing it. I prefer the third person I am able to express what all the characters are thinking and doing its got nothing to do with me mentally, as some people may have mentioned this to me recently. However, I will admit I do confront my aggression and frustration through writing.

Sorry if I keep writing Fergus…

Today was an OK day. You know you’re an adult when you have to work instead of going to the beach with your friends. I don’t like the way I look in a swimsuit anyways.

But because I didn’t go to the beach I ended up learning where I was really from. Canadia…A customer was commenting on my accent and asked where I was from. I said Canadia by accident of course. Chris and Kate is affecting me. Damn them anyways…no I’m just kidding! You know I love you guys and not in that way either.

Its also general consensus that I have not been myself lately, I have acted completely out of character, showing a mean streak that I didn’t even know I had. However, Joan and I discussed what I had said in a calm and civil discussion and it appears that we are friends whether I like it or not. Don’t worry I like being her friend. I explained what I meant and we each decided to be honest with one another. Justin on the other hand…I shall be avoiding him for awhile.

My desk is a mess. I was told that that is a writer thing. Why? I do not know. But it’s interesting because I find stuff I thought I had lost months ago. For instance a postcard I was supposed to send to Carol, some blue tack old stuff I had written for assignments and an assortment of other things. And now it’s my mission to clean it up….eventually.

Current annoyance other than my desk is my laptop…the keys on it are falling off the down key is held on by a piece of blue tack and the bloody spacebar keeps sticking or coming off completely. I think its time I invest in a new computer.

Ah yes I have been trying to write a Wild Will story with Fergus in it on suggestion from Chris since August. Its starting to confuse me because there is at least twelve additional characters...There is an alternate problem solving team. Fergus is supposed to the opposite of Wild Will. Then there is a beaver named Captain Winky, who is the opposite to Adventure Joe and Carol who is supposed to be the opposite of John. Then there are opposite characters to Chris, Amy, Antonia, Kinwai and I…and then there is the opposites of Justin and Joan…who under the circumstances will probably not be appearing in any more stories. Maybe Joan might, but in nicer circumstances. I also was planning to include Kate. It’s just getting to confusing to write because I keep forgetting who is where and why they are there... It was already hard before when I had 10 characters in the same room…any writer who has the ability to write about over 20 characters in one situation…is a genius. The main reason it annoys me because I keep forgetting to put Wild Will in it and when I do he is too nice. I mean he is the MAIN character…so instead I shall write a Wild Will story with Kate in it and Fergus… Or I could just write a whole new series about Fergus. Also Captain Winky is the stupidest character I ever invented therefore he no longer will exist. As I say this he disappears into a puff of smoke and evaporates….mwahahahhahahaa! Sorry if I keep writing Fergus…I know it makes Chris laugh himself stupid. Also I am probably aware that most people reading this will have no idea what I am rambling about.

And now I shall share my ultimate dream. I want to see my books on a book store self!

This entry is open for interpretation.

Kate, Amy, Chris that was the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. But, it’s too late I already sent them a text message telling them how I feel. It was quite mean too. There is no need to worry about me.

Today back home in Canada its Thanksgiving, I miss the turkey dinner and all the trimmings, but that doesn’t mean I have nothing to be thankful for.

It’s traditional in my family to make a list of things you are thankful for.

1. My friends
2. Coming to Australia…yes I thankful for coming here.
3. Finishing university for the year.
4. That I have a job

Today I was working on an assignment for class when I found this. He he is says the funny word about you know who.

Oh I know I said I would never write a Carol story again…but I just couldn’t resist. This was written yesterday when I was still in a really weird mood. Oh wells its open for your interpretation.

Melissa is telling Carol about her new really good friends in Australia. They are sitting outside Melissa’s flat.
Melissa: I have some really cool friends here in Australia, Chris, Jack, Kate and Amy.
Carol: Nooooo you and are best friends. You and I are only really good friends. Because Amy is too Amy like, Chris has Kate and Jack has Jill
Melissa: Carol, there is no Jill
Carol: Yes there is Melissa, they met on a hill.
Joan walks up to Melissa
SMACK!
Melissa punches Joan in the face.
Melissa: Stay out of my business! My life!
Carol: Melissa that’s awesome! I’ve been telling you to that for months.
Joan: Owe why did you do that Mel?
Carol: Because she is an ANGRY retarded NERD weird girl now! (Shakes fist in anger) Wait this isn’t like Melissa?
The real Melissa shows up, who will now be known temporarily as Good Melissa and the one who punched Joan shall be Evil Melissa.
Good Melissa: Oh dear God what happened here?
Carol: You punched Joan in the face.
Evil Melissa: Noooo I punched Joan in the face.
Carol: (Looks at both Melissas) I’m so confused. (She falls over from dizziness)
Good Melissa: Carol Are you OK? CAROL?
Joan: (Crying) Melissa what did I do? Why don’t you like me?
Carol: (Wakes up) You Joan were born, which is a crime against humanity and FAT people. (Falls back over from dizziness)
Good Melissa: Carol that was a little mean. Its just that Joan gets on my nerves and stuff.
Evil Melissa: YOU STOLE ALL MY FRIENDS AND I HATE YOU! Its because your nosey and stuff everything up for me.
Good Melissa: Isn’t that a little far fetched? The reason is because you call me Mel all the time when I have asked you to call me Melissa. You pressure me into stuff that isn’t me and your personality is overwhelming.
Carol: (Wakes up again) Melissa what happened?
Good Melissa: Ummm….it appears that I have split into. I think I’m having a battle with my inner demons.
Carol: Noooo that’s just stupid science fiction like NERD stuff.
Good Melissa: (Ponders for a minute) Hmmm… I think Evil Melissa may represent my hidden feelings but, oh dear God she has regressed to a seven-year-old state and she’s a MONSTER!
Carol: Noooo she’s a NERD retarded weird girl MONSTER!
Joan: Oh well that would explain why a midget hit me.
Good Melissa: Oh I know what Evil Melissa needs, a hug
Evil Melissa: Oh no anything but that!
Good Melissa hugs Evil Melissa, then Evil Melissa disappears. A few moments later…Melissa wakes up.
Melissa: What the? (She picks up the phone and calls Carol)
Carol: Hey why did you wake me up you NERD!
Melissa: Ummm…I had a bad dream. I dreamt I punched Joan in the face then I split into and the evil version of me turned out to be a seven-year-old monster.
Carol: That’s just a NERD dream. Don’t worry about it. You’re a nerd and I am fat. You see I have FAT dreams.
Melissa: (sighs) Whatever Carol!

Also I my brain is 80% female and 20% male...

I am not a friend....

I just realized something I like all my friends that I have made because they inspire me in many different ways.

Last night was fun, Chris, Kate and I went clubbing. It was fun.

For some reason I had this thought, everyone likes Joan better than me? But, then I realized they like her for different reasons not necessarily better or worse than anyone in particular. However, today I decided I no longer want to be friends with Justin and Joan. I like Joan but I am not a good friend…I tried to like them or give them a chance but it’s just not worth lying to them or myself anymore. I don’t hate them, I just don’t think it’s proper for me to be their friends, especially if I talk badly behind their backs and conspire in mean gossip sessions between people who despised them. For some reason I had nothing but negative feelings towards them…if I considered them friends I wouldn’t.

Just take a good look at this particular paragraph in my Kiwibox journal to see what I mean.

“I do not like Justin. I kind of did but not in the romantic way. In the friendship kind of way, Amy asked me that once. She read the story. I saw him with out his shirt on at the pool one day. He has man boobs ewww! Amy agrees (Sorry Amy ).Also he got on my nerves a lot telling me the Aussie way, more like the red neck Aussie way. Oh yeah discussing how I should change my fashion sense, when he dresses like a total dag. If I did like him what the fuck was I thinking?. Sorry I have to diss someone else besides Joan all the time. Justin is just as easy of a target. Mwhahahahahahaha!!!!”

What kind of friend writes that?

Now I want to go home. I made a big mistake coming. I wish I never came to Australia!

I am never writing a Carol story again!

Ahhhhhh!!! I am never writing a Carol story again. Carol found out I am writing about her and if she misinterprets and thinks they are mean….But then again….in my stories I accused Jack of eating babies, Amy of being a cheerful weird girl, my self about being a NERD retarded weird girl, Kate of being evil, Joan of being overly annoying, Justin of smelling really bad and Chris of just being weird.

But it turns out that it wasn’t as bad as I though at the time of writing this Carol wasn’t upset. I told her they were a tribute not an insult.

Here is a conversation about it as follows.

Me: Did I offend you or anything?
Carol: No it sounds like stuff I would say anyways
Me: The stories are kind of mean. I was really worried
Carol: Meh whatever but anyways I'm going to bed. I'll talk to u tomorrow

Hmmm….. It appears that I have learnt my lesson for now.

My question for the day other than inadvertently scaring myself that I would lose my best friend in Canada….She said she needs me right now and I can’t even be there. I have three best friends here. I don’t believe in having on best friend but many best friends instead because the term best friend seems so subjective.

Oh wells, according to Justin and Joan I am shy? Perhaps I am or perhaps I am not.

And I don’t take back what I said about Justin yesterday because I meant it at the time. It would be contradictory if I said otherwise. My opinion of people change from day to day some days I like them, some days I don’t. It’s really a strange thing. I refuse to believe anyone is worth hating because it’s such a powerful emotion and I believe it’s the worst thing to feel.

It just makes me mad that Justin and Joan treat me like I am a little kid and I can’t do anything because I am some naïve Canadian chick who needs to ‘grow a back bone’ It wasn’t there place to get involved in the current situation at hand even if they had the best intentions. Also they have only known me for 8 months.

Also if someone says to you that they consider you a sister do you have to feel the same way? I already have a little brother and people I consider sisters and brothers unfortunately she isn’t one of them. I know it’s a horrible thing to say, but I just don’t.

I also made up my mind about something very important today and I plan to stick to it.

Bonne feta et toi! Bonne feta et toi! Happy Birthday to me!

Thursday was my 22nd birthday. I almost forgot about it for some odd reason until Chris wished me a happy birthday. I think I am weird. And time zones dictate that I have two days to celebrate my birthday woo hoo!

Yesterday was the birthday celebrations. Let’s just say they didn’t go quite as planned. I was supposed to go to dinner, then I was supposed to hang out with friends, then I was supposed to go out to dinner, then hang out with friends…I didn’t want to do either because I couldn’t make up my mind. Although, the hanging out with friends wasn’t that bad and YES I was pressured into having a get together…certain people can dispute it as much as they want, but I still stand by what I say.

I have come to these conclusions today:

Jack likes me as friend, which is still cool. I am used to rejection by now.

Justin is a DICKHEAD! And hypocrite! For various reasons I don’t want to discuss. I seriously don’t care what anyone thinks about that! If you think I am being mean. You can bite me!

Joan hugs me too much and gets on my nerves, but I still like her.

Chris is Chris he always will be. Don’t ever change Chris!

Kate is cool! Enough said!

I miss Carol a lot!

I miss Amy a lot too!

I use the ‘I’m homesick excuse’ way too much! I don’t think it works anymore.

My mood has changed many times today. I went from really depressed…to feeling OK too feeling pissed off.

This is a story about my party had it happened the way I wanted…with people I actually wanted to come.

Melissa, Carol, Chris, Jack, Kate and Amy are celebrating Melissa’s birthday at Melissa’s flat.
Chris: Happy Birthday!
Carol: Bonne feta et toi! Bonne feta et toi!
Jack: Is that French?
Carol: Nooo its Germanium
Melissa: Actually it is French. It means happy birthday to you
Kate: Oh it’s your birthday is it? I thought we were here for free cake.
Jack: True! Me too!
Carol: Well there is not cake because I can’t eat cake it just adds more fat to my FAT!
Kate: Caaaarrroooool that doesn’t make any sense!
Carol: You don’t make any sense.
Chris: More sense than you Ca-rol!
Amy walks in the flat.
Amy: Hey guys! Happy birthday Melissa! (She winks)
Melissa: What’s with the wink Amy?
Amy: Oh you know!
Chris: Obviously she doesn’t or she are would not have asked you.
Amy: You know (nods towards Jack)
Jack: (Looks perplexed) What? Am I being weird? Am I?
Melissa: Noooo you’re not. Amy I thought you said you didn’t approve.
Amy: Oh right….why?
Carol: Because he eats babies.
Jack: Who eats babies?
Kate: I do!
Chris: Me too! No I’m just kidding I really do.
Amy: Oh yeah because he’s the ugliest person on the face of the EARTH
Carol: Yes and he eats BABIES!
Jack: Who are you talking about?
Chris: Oh you know they is talking about you and how WEIRD you is.
Carol: And how he eats BABIES!
Jack: I don’t EAT BABIES! (He storms out of the room)
Melissa: Ummm….why don’t we talk about something different.
Amy: Oh Melissa you know I’m joking. You are basing it on personality not looks which is sweet. (winks again)
Carol: Yes that’s something fat people say all the time. Also DON’T IGNORE THE PART ABOUT EATING BABIES. Also if we change the subject well will end up talking about useless trivial stuff.
Chris: You know I are never seen him eat one.
Kate: Where’s weird boy? I mean Jack.
Melissa: (sighs) He stormed off after Carol accused him several times of eating babies, Amy said he was the ugliest person on the face of the EARTH and Chris said he was weird.
Carol: Hey I know where is Jill?
Melissa: Carol I thought we established there is no Jill.
Kate: Who’s Jill?
Chris: You’re Mum.
Jack walks back in the flat with a baby
Jack: My Mum? Oh yeah I brought this baby to prove I won’t eat it because I don’t eat babies because that is weird. Am I weird?
Carol: Oh my God put the baby down! (Covers her eyes)
Melissa: Jack, that’s a plastic doll.
Chris: So Jack are eats plastic babies?
Carol: Phew I though he ate real ones.
Jack: What? I don’t eat babies, plastic or real!
Amy: OH MY GOSH! Where did you get that plastic baby?
Jack: Ummm….some loud blonde girl…she said she was practising.
Amy: OH MY GOSH! That one?
Kate: Which one? Practising for what?
Chris: That what? You mean Joan?
Jack: Yeah that’s the one.
Carol: Soooo does Joan eat babies?
Melissa: No Carol! So why did she give you the doll?
Jack: You know I don’t know. But she asked why she wasn’t invited.
Kate: That’s because Mel-issa HATES her!
Jack: True! I never knew that!
Carol: It’s because she eats babies. We must of mistaken you to be the baby eater instead. Sorry Jack she must be trying to frame you because I’m FAT and I reminded her of a baby and she is worried you’ll eat me first.
Amy: Joan doesn’t eat babies Carol. You’re a rat!
Carol: Now I remember Jack climbs beanstalks and has a friend named Jill.
Jack: Really! I’ve never done that!
Carol: Wait Melissa’s friend AMY….did you just call me a fat?
Amy: Oh Carol you silly girl I called you a rat.
Chris: Yes rat as in R-A-T.
Carol: Noooo I’m fat and rats they are FAT!
There’s a knock on the door. It was Joan.
Joan: Mel is anybody home?
Melissa: Mel-ISSA! No there isn’t go away!
Joan: Are you having a party?
Melissa: Ummm…yes I mean no. Yes that’s right NO!
Jack: I thought this was a party.
Kate: Mel-issa this is a PARTY!
Melissa: Did I give you a formal invite?
Kate: Well then it’s a get together same thing!
Chris: I seem to remember Melissa inviting me
Amy: Yeah me too!
Carol: Noooo this is a Melissa and Carol party you guys just showed up. Only one NERDY WEIRD retard weird girl is allow and me because I’m fat! Melissa I’m your only friend….ONLY friend!
Melissa: (sighs) I give up! Carol you’re beyond help.
Joan continues banging on the door.
Joan: Come on. I KNOW you’re having a party!
Melissa: I wasn’t allowed to invite you because uh….I don’t have enough chairs.
Kate: Yeah Carol takes up two of them!
Carol: (Glares at Kate.) Yeah well you….are just discriminating me because I am FAT and you think people who are fat take up lots of space and lots of fat….I hate you.
Kate: Yes, yes you are…and don’t forget about the chairs.
Joan: (Calling from outside) Can I at least have the baby doll back. I’m practising for my 16 year plan.
Jack: (Looks at doll) Ummm…this is weird. Oh no I’m being WEIRD! Am I being Weird?
Melissa: Jack shut up! (Grabs the doll from him angrily. She walks to the back door and hands the plastic baby to Joan) Here you go Joan!
Joan: (Tries to see inside) Hi Melissa! Amy! Chris! Kate! Jack! Carol!
Melissa: Oh sorry A.E.S.M meeting no Joan’s allowed! I have to go! (Slams door in Joan’s face)
Chris: Melissa you is really mean!
Amy: A.E.S.M meeting! Yay!
Melissa: Like I said I don’t have anywhere for her to sit…
Kate: That’s the dumbest excuse ever!
Carol: You’re the dumbest excuse ever!
Chris: You are!
Melissa: So what should we do now?
Carol: Talk about non NERD stuff
Chris: Eat cake!
Jack: Something that isn’t weird or involves me possibly being weird.
Amy: Plan your wedding!
Kate: Kill Carol!
Carol: What! That’s terrible!
Jack: Who’s wedding?
Amy: Oh you know!

NO PRESENTS FOR YOU!

Today was an awesome day. I went to a movie Barnyard with Jack. It was actually pretty funny, except there were heaps of little kids at the theatre today. One burst into tears after she spilt her popcorn. After the movie we just hung out and talked. It was cool. Jack likes to ask me questions about Canada a lot. He told me all about the time he was in the New Zealand Army and how he wants to go to Britain. It was pretty cool.

Amy for some reason Chris told me to say that you’re a sell out.

Yesterday instead of writing essays for class. I wrote another Carol story inspired by a conversation between Chris and me. It be a long story my friends.

Melissa, Carol and Chris are sitting at the uni refectory. Today by some odd coincidence they are discussing the North Pole.
Chris: Is the North Pole a country?
Melissa: I’m not sure I think its part of Canada or Denmark.
Carol: Noooo the North Pole is a country. Where do you think Santa Claus lives?
Awkward silence….
Melissa: Ummm Carol you do know that Santa isn’t real?
Carol: (bursts into tears.) How come you didn’t tell me?
Chris: Melissa you’re really mean.
Melissa: I’m sorry Carol I thought you knew?
Carol: What else haven’t you told me?
Melissa: Well umm… there’s no Easter Bunny.
Carol: (cries) Mel-issa you’re the meanest NERD Fat brain EVER!
Melissa: Well there’s no Tooth Fairy either
Carol: But she leaves me money for me? When I loose my teeth? (Continues to sob)
Chris: Melissa STOP IT! You know her fat incrusted brain can’t handle vaginas I mean the truth.
Melissa: Carol…I’m just joking of course there is a Santa (Winks at Chris) Right Chris.
Chris: Oh right of course…you’re a doo doo head.
Amy shows up at the refectory. She sits down with her friends.
Amy: (cheerfully)Hey guys! My fellow A.E.S.M. members….MELISSA I can’t believe you’re getting married.
Chris: Hey Amy…your looking…
Melissa: (Slaps Chris) don’t say it.
Amy: Yes and I am her maid of honour.
Melissa: (Looks uncomfortable) Ummm…What! I’m not getting married. I just said I liked a guy that’s all.
Carol: I’m maid of honours or this friendship is over!
Melissa: Carol Amy just blew what I said out of proportion
Amy: Noooo I didn’t. He hasn’t asked yet. I just KNOW he likes you.
Carol: I hate you….You know nothing NERD.
Melissa: Carol if I was getting married don’t you think I would have a ring?
Carol: (inspects Melissa’s left hand) Perhaps it’s an invisible ring.
Amy: Just like Wonder Woman. Oh I wish I could see you’re invisible ring.
Melissa: Wonder Woman had an invisible jet not an invisible ring.
Chris: Well you can’t see it if it’s invisible
Uncomfortable silence ensues.
Carol: Is your finance invisible too?
Melissa: What? Oh you mean my fiancé? There isn’t one.
Amy: Well obviously if he is invisible…Wait what did I blow out of proportion?
Melissa: YOU KNOW! The guy I like.
Chris: You mean Jack?
Melissa: Shut up!
Amy: I reckon he likes you.
Carol: Hey look its Santa. Yay!
The big jolly red elf appears. He has big bag of toys and a belly that jiggles like a bowl full of jelly.
Santa: Ho ho ho! Hello Carol you’ve been a good FAT girl this year.
Carol: I know I have! Unlike my friend…You know the Fat brain NERDY retarded weird girl.
Chris: Hi Santa. What are you doing in Australia in July?
Santa: NO PRESENTS FOR YOU!
Amy: That’s OK I have the bestest friends in the world…I don’t need prezzies
Santa: Good because… NO PRESENTS FOR YOU! (He hands Amy a wooden duck a.k.a. a dead bird)
Amy: (Looks at gift) Doesn’t this qualify as a present? Ewww… it smells.
Santa: No it’s a dead bird.
Melissa: So that’s where it went.
Santa: Melissa you made Carol cry so NO PRESENTS FOR YOU! (He hands Melissa and Chris lumps of coal)
Chris: Goodo this will end the fuel shortage at home.
Melissa: Thanks for the fossil fuel dickhead!
Carol: Yay! I get presents.
Santa: (hands Carol some diet shake mix) Ho ho ho! There you go Carol.
Carol: (Looks at present) Oh gee Santa I can’t take your supply…you’re fatter than me?
Santa: (glares at Carol) YOU’RE FAT! I’m just full of jelly.
Carol: Jelly fat?
Santa: Nooo Carol. My tummy is like a bowl full of jelly.
Carol: Yes that’s a nice way of saying your FAT!
Santa: (takes Carols present away) NO PRESENTS FOR YOU!
Santa disappears in a puff of smoke. Carol, Melissa, Amy and Chris sit in silence. The oddity confounding them.
Melissa: Ummm OK so I was wrong about Santa
Carol: Yes, yes you were. You NERD NERDY retarded weird girl.
Melissa: Shut up FAT ASS!
Amy: Melissa! Since when do you talk to your friends like that?
Melissa: Ummm…I only talk to Carol like that. I mean she calls me a NERD all the time.
Carol: Yes Melissa and I are friends. JUST US! NOT YOU! Chris made it in by default because I’m fat!
Amy: (cries) But I WAS Melissa’s FIRST AUSSIE FRIEND and I invited Chris in Curse you Chris!
Chris: (Looks uncomfortable) Ummm…Carol Amy’s skinny enough to fit into our group.
Carol: Nooo you’re not even a friend. Just a weird AUSSIE acquaintance.
Chris: Fine then! Maybe you should have accepted Santa’s slim mix.
Melissa: I believe Carol had reason for it. Also CHRIS and AMY are allowed in our friendship circle because I said so.
Amy: Awwwh you’re such a Canadian, always a peace keeper, never a warrior, always a wallflower, and always being nice.
Melissa: What? Amy you’re not making any sense?
Amy: Well I read about Canadian national identity in an encyclopaedia. Also I have a dead bird!
Carol: You’re not Canadian your just the Aussie NERD version of Melissa. One nerd is enough. I found enough fat already.
Melissa: Besides your own?
Carol: Shut up! Melissa, at least I’m not obsessed with a guy who eats babies.
Chris: Carol! Jack doesn’t eat babies. Mel-issa just put me on the spot.
Melissa: Uh yeah sorry about that Chris. Uh Amy you might want to get rid of that dead bird.
Amy: No no its MINE!
Melissa: Sure if you say so!
Chris: Yes Melissa we all no about the dead bird!
Carol: I don’t is it fat?
Melissa: Uh well not really…
Chris: (whispers into Carol’s ear) its actually….
Carol: Ewww…MELISSA! That’s disgusting! You NERD!
Amy: Wait am I missing something here?
Chris: (whispers into Amy’s ear) its actually….
Amy: OH MY GOSH! Melissa! (She throws the dead bird away!)
Melissa: (Looks embarrassed) Thanks for telling everyone Chris.
Chris: Don’t mention…we couldn’t have any more suspense about the dead bird.
Kate shows up and decides to sit with the group.
Kate: How’s it going guys!
Carol: What are you doing here?
Kate: I was just about to say the same thing!
Carol: I asked you first!
Kate: Maybe I DON’T want to answer you!
Melissa: Oh come on can you not fight with in the first two seconds of meeting each other?
Carol: Melissa you remember what happened last time. She told me I should die and that I was FAT!
Kate: Well that’s true Carol. You ARE FAT!
Chris: Kate! Didn’t Melissa tell you that Carol was sensitive about weight issues?
Amy: Carol isn’t fat. She is beautiful just the way she is. Just like Mr. Darcy and Bridget Jones. He likes her just the way she is…
Melissa: You watch too many movies.
Carol: Are you that way?
Chris: I am!
Amy: Noooo of course not. I was just trying to build up your self esteem.
Carol: What so I can get fatter?
Melissa: No Carol you fucktard! So you feel better about yourself. Self acceptance and love is key!
Carol: Ewwww…. Melissa I’m not mesexual!
Kate: Ewwww…You’re a big fat VAGINA!
Carol: What! I think you are!
Kate: I was talking to Chris.
Melissa: Ummm… Carol what’s mesexual?
Carol: You know!
Amy: I don’t want to know!
Chris: I think it’s to do with self exploration.
Amy: Chris! You’re disgusting.
Melissa: Chris! Shut up you perv!
The group disperses…Carol and Melissa wander on to their next argument…I mean adventure. Chris and Kate go off to participate in Chris and Kate activities and Amy goes back to Canberra. THE END!

Highlights of the year: FERGUS! A.E.S.M and more....

Tomorrow is the beginning of week 12, which means there is only a week left of university. A lot has happened in July but a lot more has happened since February when I got here and since on the 19 I will have been in Australia for 8 months. I thought I shall compile a list of the things that has happened so far.

Highlights of the year:

University: I did really well on my assignments and the agents I went through when I applied to university here in Australia said not to expect High Distinctions. In your face! I got two HDs last term.

The A.E.S.M.: This is the first one on my list, my first group of international friends. I think we shall be friends for life.

Flat to Myself: A movie type deal that Chris, Amy, Antonia and I started in June. Kate was included in the sequel. Chris and I started a documentary of the first to stories. Now according to him it is a franchise.

Wild Will: My favourite rottweiler character. He has gone from making odd appearance in unfinished stories to being part of a full fledged series of bizarre events. It all started with Amy and Chris’s inspiration.

Carol: Writing mean stories about Carol. Some friend I am. I take it if she were to read this blog she would disown me for life. But then again I have explained that it’s not meant to be taken seriously over and over again

Fergus: This name makes Chris laugh. I still don’t know why. But when he laughs I want to laugh too. It’s all Fergus’s fault.

Multimedia Guy: who I think I don’t really like that much anymore. It’s hard to explain, I think it was just a harmless girly crush nothing serious really. It was fun to see him, but it’s a thing interesting that we never talk to each other. It’s like the 'Where's Waldo of the romantic world' I think I hyped it up to be more than it was.

Jack: We have a lot in common. I have also included him into Carol stories because I can’t resist the cheesy Jack and the Beanstalk or Jack and Jill joke.

The different flatmates: LOUIE! Was my top flatmate…I actually don’t miss her movie collection. KAYLA was pretty cool too although we did clash occasionally. Shane was a silly weird and Corrine she fell down the stairs….no I’m just kidding. The worst flatmate was one that only stayed for 1 ½ days. Let’s just say he turned really creepy.

Go away I hate you because your a dinklehead!

It has come to my attention that I have never included Kate in any stories I have written, the two main stories being Wild Will and Carol. I really wasn’t meaning it as an insult or anything. Hmmmm…..I have a story it is as follows:

Carol meets Melissa’s Aussie friend Kate for the first time.

Melissa: Hey Carol this is Kate
Kate: Hi Carol!
Carol: Hello!
Melissa: She is one of my one of my many Aussie friends.
Carol: Friend? Melissa I am your ONLY friend. I am fat so you’re not allowed to have anymore friends because you’re friendship circle would be filled up by me…and Chris…
Melissa: Carol! What about Amy? Chris?
Carol: Melissa! You know those stories offend me…
Melissa: What Stories?
Carol: You know Amy and Chris vs. Boobies, Jack and the Beanstalk, Jack and Jill, Fergus the Big Brown Dog and The Attack of the 150 Foot Boy.
Melissa: I am pretty sure those weren’t stories.
Awkward silence
Carol: I don’t like you Kate
Kate: Why?
Carol: You know
Kate: Yeah well you’re stupid, a big stinky poo poo face…. in the pants.
Carol: Noooo Peoples faces can’t be made of poo.
Kate: Go away I hate you!
Carol: Why? Is it because I’m FAT?
Kate: Yes you’re ugly go and umm die!
Carol: Fine! Carol stomps off
Melissa: Wait Carol come back! CAROL!
Melissa goes after Carol, but she trips over a big brown dog and is impaled by a beanstalk. Then a giant stomps on Carol. Kate laughs evilly.

Are you happy now Kate? I wrote you a story.

I have a new phrase: You’re a dinklehead! Compliments of my mom….she was getting mad at my brother. And she said Chris was immature.

I wonder what that looks like in French.

Vous êtes un dinklehead!

Or how about I am a dinklehead

Je suis un dinklehead!

Did you know? There is Fergus Ontario Canada and Fergus County in Montana in the U.S.?You would be surprised when you Google something…I guess that’s what you get when you bored.

Noooo that’s weird. Do you think that weird? Am I being weird? Nooo its just a tribute too....

First off I would like to dedicate my blog to....

Because the name makes Chris laugh :)

Amy brought up this important point. I am mean to Carol in my blog. Hmmmm…. Perhaps I should stop but then again there is no harm intended to the actual Carol. Read here and it explains the whole Carol conundrum.

THESE STORIES ARE A TRIBUTE NOT AN INSULT.

Today I had to go the doctors because I was sick. Chris made me! She was the meanest doctor I have ever met. Anyways while I was waiting in the doctor’s office….I wrote a Justin/Joan/Chris/Jack and Carol story….

Justin and Joan are at the movies. They sit silently in the theatre waiting for it to start. Melissa, Carol and Chris walk in. They have just gotten back from the planetarium.

Melissa: Hey Carol this is Justin and Joan.
Joan: Hi Carol so lovely to meet you. Do you think this dress makes me look fat?
Carol: Yes
Justin: Well you’re fat Carol!
Melissa: Do not talk to my friends that way or I will hurt you.
Carol: Yeah you don’t want to see an ANGRY NERDY retarded weird girl and if you’re mean to Melissa I’ll lay a sumo smack down on you!
Justin: Some friend Melissa. By the way Carol you’re FAT!
Carol: You smell. She passes out.
Melissa: Carol, Carol wake up! Geeze Justin ever hear of deodorant?
Chris: Carol you right?
Carol wakes up in a daze.
Carol: Oh my goodness the stench it was just too much!
Joan: Excuse me? Justin’s smell is lovely.
Melissa: No his smell is feral.
Chris: Melissa, be nice.
Carol: Noooo Melissa, be mean. Tell the big stinky fat Aussie man what you think!
Jack shows up at the theatre.
Jack: Hey guys sorry I’m late. I got lost behind this weird looking plant.
Chris: Hey Jack!
Carol: Was it a beanstalk?
Jack: Ummm…noooo that’s weird. Do you think that weird? Am I being weird?
Chris: No you’re not
Melissa: Ummm… Jack you worry too much
Carol: OK where is Jill?
Jack: Jill?
Melissa: Uh never mind the movie is coming on.
Carol: Noooo you never your mind. Melissa is coming on to Jack.
Melissa: Shut up Carol! No I’m not.
Joan: Hi Jack. Waves a big happy Joan like wave.
Justin: I’m jealous He folds his arms angrily and pouts.
Chris: Justin she just said hi!
Justin: Don’t talk to me! You wig me out!
Chris: Why is it because I’m gay?
Justin: No it’s because you’re Chris
Chris: Stop using words!
Melissa: Guys the movie is coming on!
Jack tickles Melissa. She bursts out laughing.
Carol: How come you’re not tickling me? Am I too FAT to tickle? Are you afraid you’re fingers will get sucked into my fat?
Jack: Noooo that’s weird. Am I being weird? Is this weird? Melissa is it? I’m sorry….
Melissa: God damn it no! You’re not being weird. You just worry too much. Oh yes don’t tickle me again. (Whispers) Carol gets jealous.
Carol: Yeah because NERDY retarded weird girls are ticklish. (She leans over to Jack and whispers.) She likes you.
Melissa: Noooo I mean yes. No no I mean no.
Chris: Jack, Melissa wants to make sweet sweet love to you.
Carol: Yes Melissa, but your forgetting about Jill. Think how she might feel about Melissa chasing after you Jack.
Jack: Whose Jill? Am I going to be chased down a hill? That’s weird. Am I being weird?
Carol: OH you’re a WEIRD NERDY retarded weird boy. Sounds like a match to me.
Joan: Are you talking about me? Who is this Jill?
Melissa: There is no Jill. Carol was just being a fat ass I mean smart ass and referring to the nursery rhyme.
Carol: Melissa! Isn’t it a little soon to think about babies, specifically if Jack eats them?
Jack: What! I don’t eat babies!
Carol: But Chris told Melissa you did….Melissa NEVER lies to me because I am her only and bestest friend.
Chris: Ummm yeah I was just ummm Well Melissa asked me if you were single and I was kind of put on the spot and uh Yeah! THAT’S TOPS! Gives a thumbs up.
Melissa runs away.
Carol: Melissa? MELISSA?
A silhouette dust cloud of Melissa remains. Carol walks out the theatre to look for Melissa. Chris follows.

Guys don’t like me because I am FAT. I don’t just crush on them I CRUSH them.

I saw you know who today! FERGUS!

There is something plaguing my mind for the last couple of days. It’s is making me mad because I want it to go away. I am left with the butterflies and lingering chest pains. I am so confused. I have talked to my friends about it but it just doesn’t make any sense…I keep getting conflicting answers about everything….I want it all to end. I just want to be my old self rather than this unusually happy giggly bumbling fool I keep seeing in the mirror lately. However, I can contribute some of the happiness to the fact that I have done two full terms of uni and I was ready to go home a couple of months ago. I made it yay! Oh yes and I got my Royal Canadian Air Farce DVDs today!

Remember that dream I wrote about that truly confounded me? Apparently to see your friends in your dream signifies aspects of your personality that you have rejected, but are ready to integrate this rejected part of yourself. The relationships you have with those around you are important in learning about yourself. Additionally, this symbol foretells of happy tidings from them and the arrival of good news.

Also to see your friends, saddened and troubled, in your dream, signifies sickness and distress upon them. I hope not!

Oh wells I shall sweeten the mood with a CAROL

Melissa and Carol are discussing their crushes…

Melissa: I kind of sort of like this guy but I don’t know what to do?
Carol: You should hit on him and ask him out.
Melissa: Isn’t that a bit forward? Why don’t you hit on and ask your crush out?
Carol: Girls don’t do that!
Melissa: Carol I am a GIRL
Carol: Nooooooo you’re a NERDY retarded weird girl.
Melissa: OK what would a GIRL do? What would You do?
Carol: Guys don’t like me because I am FAT. I don’t just crush on them I CRUSH them.
Melissa: I doubt it some guys like big girls
Carol: WHAT! That’s bestiality
Melissa: No it isn’t!
Carol: Yes it is….also if you you’re to CHICKEN to hit on him you should go undercover as a pregnant old lady man!
Melissa: You’re pregnant!
Carol: Nooooo it’s just my fat!

Ah yes in 10 days I turn 22! Joan found out and she immediately decided I should have a party. She is going to help me plan it. I like Joan…

Neapolitan ice cream it has strawberry, chocolate and….

Today it shall be a short post. Which is weird because usually my posts are very long....

Remember how I said that Jack says vanilla funny. He is some short conversations to prove it.

Chris: Neapolitan ice cream it has strawberry, chocolate and….
Jack: Villinna (that’s how he actually says it)
Me: Vanilla!

Jack: Neapolitan ice cream it has strawberry, chocolate and…
Chris: You’re Mum!
Me: Vanilla!

OK Now Carol (if she were present during this conversation):

Chris: Neapolitan ice cream it has strawberry, chocolate and….
Jack: Villinna
Carol: We’re talking about ice cream not a country!
Melissa He means Vanilla!
Chris: No he means you’re mum

Kayla left today. :( Just when I was getting used to her…Sure she got on my nerves but I think that is normal with any flatmate I have. Oh wells she comes back in three months and I no longer have to worry about her complaining how I never do the dishes.

Last night Kayla, her friend Andrea, Chris, Jack and I went to see the movie John Tucker Must Die, it was surprisingly good for a high school teen flick. Chris was funny as usual and so was Jack. Its official I think I have a crush…but that’s all I am going to say.

Oh Chris I mean FERGUS! I fixed it in case you are wondering mister I want to marry you because you have nice boobies...I KNOW it was you! Your a doo doo head who is smart as a monkey in PJs in the pants!

Jack, Jill, the Beanstalk and Carol

Jack and Jill
Went up a hill
Jack fell down
And Jill
Came tumbling after…

Today I was thinking about Jack, Jack and Jill and Jack and the Beanstalk, which inspired a Carol story…

Melissa is talking to Carol when she mentions meeting Chris’s friend Jack.

Melissa: My friend Chris has a friend named Jack. I like him a lot he is cool.
Carol: Noooo you don’t have any friends but me.
Melissa: Yes I do
Carol: Well what about Jill?
Melissa: Jill?
Carol: Yes Jack and Jill
Melissa: I’m not talking about Jack and Jill I am talking about Chris’s friend Jack.
Carol: Is Chris the giant?
Melissa: The what? No Carol that’s Jack and the Beanstalk. Chris is my friend.
Carol: I don’t like that story because it discriminates FAT people and it offends me because I am fat.
Melissa: How does it discriminate fat people?
Carol: Because they use the word giant
Melissa: Maybe because there is a giant in the story
Carol: You’re a giant story
Melissa: No you are!
Carol: You’re taller than me. If you were my height you would be FAT too!
Melissa: What! Carol Jack is a real person and he is not related to Jack and Jill or Jack and the Beanstalk
Carol: Soooo is Jack single then if he has no Jill or a beanstalk
Melissa: That’s the stupidest thing I ever heard. Anyways I asked Chris and he said Jack eats babies
Carol: WHAT! That’s terrible.
Melissa: Carol it’s a Chris like response.
Carol: There is no such thing as Chris like response it sounds like a NERDY retarded weird girl terminology. You have a FAT brain, I wish you would stop flaunting it.
Melissa: No no it’s a way to describe how he would react to certain questions or remarks. Chris reacts with a strange sentence or phrase. Your over reaction to everything I say would be a Carol like response.
Carol: I hate you!

My Grandma sent me this...in the words of Chris I are thought it was funny.

How many FERGUS'S I mean dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Apparently a lot! Read on my friends.

1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.


3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!


4. Rottweiler: Make me. - My favourite :)


5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.


6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!


7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.


8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.?

9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!


10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.


11. Chihuahua : Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking light bulb."

12. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?


13. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...


14. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?


Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: "How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?" ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF!