It's been done!

So it finally happened. Something I for the last couple of years thought was necessary, nearly happened, then didn’t, something I never expected to see happen and it did. My brother has officially been put into care. I commend my mom for caring for him for so long. She gave up 17 years of her life.

It’s always been about him. I was the older sister, the second helper, the other sibling. There is nothing physically wrong with me so I often felt that I wasn’t important. As far as I am concerned I lost my mother when I was seven and I might as well of entered adulthood when I was 12. I wonder if other siblings of special needs children feel the same way I did Ignored, sometimes second class! I find it hard to explain what its like. You’re ignored but your not, you’re there but your not. You hurt because of it. You feel guilty for feeling this way and all at the same time you’re resentful of them, but love them dearly too. Sometimes it depresses you. I never even admitted these feelings most of the time. I don’t blame him for this. Its not his fault I feel the way I do. I love him no matter what.

I am very much interested in writing a book about this for some reason. Not just my experience but others out there too, the invisible ones. Maybe it’s because you always hear about the parents and their special needs child, but I’ve never read a story about their siblings. They are just as much part of the child’s life.

I won’t go into details of why this has happened, only that I know it had too. I surprised myself by being upset by it. I thought I would feel differently about it, but I don’t. I feel guilty, like I am aiding in giving up on a family member, the only family I have known is splitting apart. I still have my other family, but they are all far away. :( I miss my friends. I'll MISS Tony.

My little bro :)

P.S. I’ll never understand life. I just confounds me. I also hate my writing. Its turned to utter crap due to the fact that I have severe writers block.

Comming to terms

Have you ever been to the point in your life where it just doesn’t seem to be going the way you want it too? Then you suddenly realise it may or may not be your entire fault? I’ve gotten to that point. I’m alive, I am existing, but I am not living or happy…that’s pretty much it. So I guess this is where I say I am depressed. I admit it. I wish I could say this started after I left Australia, but I’ve felt this way since I was young. I think I am just coming to terms with it myself now. I am not sure what else to write at the moment…

So I guess what I really want to know is, is there anyone else out there that feels this way? Don't worry nothing will happen.

And now something to cheer this blog post up…I planned to post this upon my return to my native land but I never got around to it…



P.S. I clearly have a bad case of blogarrea or perhaps bloggers block. I apologise for this lack of entry.

Princess Jo!

Princess Jo, the character, the person and the Barbie doll?

It all started two years ago when I found a Barbie doll at a thrift store and for some strange reason decided to buy it. She had long blonde hair and pretty blue eyes. She reminded me of the Barbie in a colouring book that my brothers step mom gave me.

She sat on a shelf in my kitchen with all my other collectables; I wrapped her in a red neck scarf as I had no proper clothes for her. Then two years later while unpacking things I left behind when I went to Australia and I find her amongst the random junk I saved. That still makes no sense to me.

I constantly tried to fix the red scarf not sure how I managed to make her presentable back then. She sat on my bookshelf next to my computer desk. Finally I felt bad for her clothing impairment so I bought her a cheap pink princess like dress at the dollar store. Then I suddenly remembered the character and the person and Princess Jo was born. Princess Jo which of course you know stands for:

Pretty
Radical
Intelligent
Nice
Calligraphic
Eccentric
Silly
Sultry
Jovial
Oddity

As Princess Jo continued to sit near my computer desk, I was sometimes compelled to fiddle with her hair to see if I could make it more presentable. On Christmas Eve, I decorated the dress and hair with beads and buttons to make it more artistic. I was intent on turning her into an artistic piece. Then I was going to give her as a present to my moms special needs friend Erika, but I couldn’t do it. Suddenly this doll had some sort of sentimental value, which sadly had faded some by Christmas morning, but spawned a sudden fascination with my inner child.
Tony gave me a new Myscene Barbie doll, which I named Astrid Viola Morningstory for my brother’s amusement. Astrid was much nicer and prettier than Princess Jo. This caused to be PJ ignored to an extent. Later on Christmas evening Tony insisted I bring Astrid and Princess Jo out to play toys with him. PJ was degraded somewhat. She was forced to go on car rides with “GI Joe-Ken” and was danced around dizzy by Erika, then attacked by my dog Sydney, which supplied much amusement to Tony. Her new dress was damaged by rough handling from more than one party, not just the dog and her hair became out of place causing her to look like a mad woman. She was also accompanied by a broken earring and some lovely teeth mark in her face.

Luckily I restored her to her former glory. I fixed the dress and braided her hair. However, Tony still liked her ,calling her by name and inquiring if he could borrow her. I let him make use of her while he played with his toys. He was tickled pink that I was allowing him to play with something of mine. Sadly some days I would find her half dressed lying under the couch or defiled by my dog or in the process of being eaten by Sydney. I started sitting her on my dresser rather than near my computer because Tony insisted she sit with the other dollies. Despite her mistreatment I still allowed Tony to play with her, occasionally when I joined it I let Sydney in on the play too. He was the scary gromit her ate dollies. It became one of Tony’s favourite games. I didn’t mind any of this I figured she was an old doll so it didn’t really matter, but oddly she was still important.

Sadly Princess Jo’s life as a toy has expired. She ended up on the floor again a couple of evenings ago. I tried to save her from Sydney’s jaws of death and her head ripped off, breaking the piece that holds her head on. Sydney decapitated her because he hated her. THE END! Have I thrown her out yet? Nope she still sits on my dresser except she is holding her head in her pink lap. Suddenly her sentimental value has increased. I guess it’s safe to say that Princess Jo the character and Sydney might not get along either as for the person I have no idea. As for the spot the doll Princess Jo used to sit, I put a photo of the real one instead.

P.S. I started reading The Time Machine :P

Happy New You!

Happy New Year! (Sorry about the lateness...)

My brother says Happy New You! This has got me thinking, is each New Year that arrives is it a time to be a new you, to reinvent yourself?

2009: What does this year hold for me? What adventures and misadventures shall befall me? Well it certainly won’t be like 2008 starting out relatively good, then changing to good byes, stressfulness, frustration and emotional obscurity. It seems to be starting out the exact opposite.

But before I go on about 2009, perhaps I will share some of my insights, highlights and whatever else I can think of about 2008.

Highlights of 2008:

Finally getting a degree! Despite the fact I haven’t actually seen it yet. I hope it hasn’t got lost in the mail.

Going back to Canada. It’s been good, but it has also been a bit rough…

Finally finishing Song of the Superheroes or was that 2007? I know I finished it then but I believe I was still working out the kinks for months after…I can’t remember.

Best quotes of 2008:

“I wonder how old I will be when I am 50.”

This was said at the dinner table with Jim-Lady-Man Person and Sue-Woman, which resulted in Sue-Woman erupting in hysterics. I mean to say to my grandma. “I wonder how old you will be when I am 50.”

“It’s so romantic. I need some rope.”

I randomly said this to Elise-Woman/Lady. She was discussing her crush, which I thought was romantic and I had mentioned my issues with Officer Octogenarian. She told me to get some rope and “rope him in.” Somehow I put the two trains of thought together to make this random Melissaism.

“Someone is having a Barbeque!”

I was watching King Kong with Elise and Sam-Lady. Ironically it was at this very intense moment where the two main characters were going to kiss. I smelt the barbeque outside at the pool the Brazilians where having. I mentioned it at this moment enough said.

Best moments of 2008:

Finally seeing Carol after 2 years. I thought it would be awkward and our friendship was in the pits, but apparently not. In fact it seemed like things were almost better for some reason. Anyways it was awesome seeing her again.

Seeing my brother after 3 years and realising how friggen tall he has gotten!

Worst moments of 2008:

I won’t dwell on those….

2008: Good riddance too you!

I have a feeling 2009 will be better. Therefore I have decided to compile a a list of resolutions or goals for the coming year.

1. Let go of my frustrations and resentment. I keep it in until I explode into
   a) A flaming ball of bitchiness
   b) A red hot glowing Melissa
   c) A scarlety monster.
2. Work on my indecisiveness. Learn to make a decision because I want to make it, not because I want everyone to be happy with it or because I feel responsible to people it may affect. I’ve already done a lot of this to the point it embarrasses me.
3. Move out on my own.
4. Work on my relationship with my mom and brother.
5. Read:
   a) Something random, that I normally wouldn’t read or haven’t heard of.
   b) Something by Charles Dickens. I haven’t decided which book.
   c) Either 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea or Journey To the Centre of the Earth by Jules Verne
   d) The Time Machine by H.G. Wells.
   e) Ulysses by James Joyce
6. Finish Fizzy Lemonade by the end of the year. Maybe work on other stories?
7. Work at trying to get Song of the Superheroes finished.
8. Update my blog at least once or twice a week. I have a goal of 100 posts by 2010. I actually found half written blog entries that were never published. I've let some good ideas drift by too!
9. Get more exercise.
10. Try and save money and pay off debts.
11. De-clutter, donate or get rid of things I don’t need anymore. I’m a bloody pack rat.
12. Find my father and ask him his side of the story.
13. Repair relationships that were damaged.
14. Make new friends

Anyways, I hope I can stick to my very long list of resolutions or at least attempt some of them…

P.S. My fashion sense is just fine Jo! :P