The labels attached

I wonder is last entry crossed the line? In fact I think my statuses on Facebook sometimes are risqué. Maybe I am just more open book then I should be.

Hev- Lady drives me crazy. On Wednesday I had plans to make hangy-outy (another made up word. :P) with some friends from church at 7 p.m. But mom got groceries and assumed I was staying home all by myself while she was at choir, therefore I would be home when the groceries came at 7:30. I had no idea I had to share all my plans with my mom. Now at first I was really annoyed, by my friend Hat-Guy ran into me downtown and when I told him he offered to pick me up afterwards. Yay! And upon deeper reflection I realised I was going to be eating the groceries and Hev-Lady had bought some of them for my up coming trip (More on that later). So it was a win, win.

Anyways Hev-Lady has her moments, but her heart is usually in the right place and even though her passion is misdirected. Unfortunately her passion comes through in her temper and that is really the only issue I have.

Tomorrow I leave for Edmonton for 5 days! Woot! I am going to Breakforth. The thoughts of big crowds and concerts scare the crap out of me, but I was reading in a book somewhere the best way to defeat anxiety is to face what you fear and that way it doesn’t come back again. Supposedly… still doesn’t explain why I had a crippling fear of the dark before going to Australia and instantaneously the night I arrived my sudden fear of the dark is gone. This was a fear that was so irrational I remember fighting with my grandma to leave the light on in a motel room and when she didn’t I ended up covering my head with the sheet and cried myself to sleep. It has been erased from my list of bizarre phobias. Like black toilet seats in public washrooms… I digress, I don’t see how traveling overseas conquers a completely unrelated fear. So hopefully overcoming my apparent mild case of agoraphobia is the main reason, which even more oddly appeared when I got back from Australia. Then of course there is spiritual growth it is a Christian conference after all. People get a weird look when I tell them where I am going.

Me: Yay I am going to Edmonton for five days!

Random person I am inflicting my ramblings on: Oh wow what are going for a small vacation?

Me: Oh no just a conference with some friends

Random person: Oh what kind?

Me: Breakforth it’s a Christian conference. I am taking most of the classes with writing.

Random Person: Oh…

Me: I am also going to conquer my fear of crowds.

This is followed by a strange look and awkward silence. It seems there’s a label attached to ones faith.

I wonder why is there something taboo about going to Christian events? Is being a Christian something to be pertained as awkward? Do perhaps they think of me differently now as the truth of my spiritual (rather then religious) activities are revealed? I consider myself a Christian in a sense and I believe in God. So what? I am who I am and I believe what I believe, that’s the beauty of living in a country with many freedoms I know I sadly take for granted.

So due to my inadequacy to properly save. I am going with only $30 it should be fascinating. I went to Sydney with hardly any money my second trip and I managed to get by.

Life is dandy for now…THE END

P.S. How long do I have to fall down this skyscraper called life until I grow wings and fly away unscathed before I make a big splat on the cold hard reality of the pavement below?

Rambling towards forgiveness!

I just don’t feel like writing in my blog lately… I mean I want to write, but my drive is lacking. I write at least every day sometimes 4 times a week in my journal, but internet is lacking and well ummmm I don’t really want to share everything.

Kind of like how I don’t want to share the hot chocolate I am drinking at Timmies right now. You can perhaps have the paper cup once I am finished but the inner contents are mine, mine, mine.

Well I could say I am pissed off at someone I thought was a good friend, not only does he give me the silent treatment most of the time lately, but I tried to tell him about how I am struggling with Hev-Lady type problems mainly her scary temper and head games because I thought he might offer some advice and he point blankly didn’t believe me. He said I was just putting my mother in a negative light and implying it’s important to honour your parent’s type vibe. How do you honour someone who emotionally, mentally and physically abused me when I was young? How do you honour a father you’ve never met? I think the more important question to ask is how to do you forgive? How do I forgive my mother even after she’s said sorry to me hundreds of times and how do I forgive my father for not wanting to know me and abandoning me before I was even out of the womb?

He said my comments where damaging and I should take a look in the mirror, etc, etc. So what if I said God stuck me with my mother for a reason and he was probably upstairs laughing at me because I put myself in the same situation despite the constant warnings from people who care about me, especially Sue-Woman. I am feeling angry, confused and helpless about the situation I have wittingly stuck myself in. I wasn’t implying it was in a negative sense. I then told him how she only shows the Hev-Lady she wants people to see, but of course according to him a lot of people are like that. Well I like to think I am genuine and the Melissa everyone sees is the same no matter what. I try to blend in between the different hats I wear, but my mother might as well wear a paper bag on her head and call it a hat. Blah. I love my mother or else I wouldn’t attempt to put up with her, try to forgive her for past offences and seek advice. But no apparently my lack of love is not a question because I wouldn’t be living with her if I didn’t because most girls my age are living on their own doing their own thing…rah, rah! So now I am not normal like other 25 year olds and either I am just being a compulsive liar looking for attention or Hev-Lady is a hell of a good actress. Yes I put my spin on it, but I swear to God I am not lying. I am just telling it as I see it and he would rather criticise me instead.

I ask my other friends, they at least offer ear to listen and basically tell me the same thing “Get out of there!!!” Or if it gets really bad have a bag ready and go to a shelter. I am not looking for sympathy. I just want to talk to someone about it, so I can process it and try to fix the situation. Maybe if I told him the Mean Mommy nightmares were returning or how when she is angry she is not my mom anymore. How about when I have an anxiety attack she gets mad at me because it annoys her and embarrasses her? Grrrrr!!!! I told my mom how she is treating me, anything I say to friends I say to her. I made it a rule. He probably just doesn’t understand because he had both parents and they appeared relatively stable.

So I was worried maybe I said too many negative things about my mom and I apologised to her for maybe saying things I shouldn’t have and I wasn’t aware of it. I asked my other church friends one said she’s never heard me say a bad thing about her and another said I am genuine enough to explain what’s happening and how I am having a rough time dealing with my mother because she is overbearing.

So my first entry of the New Year is 18 days late and it’s all rambly. And it is biased I won’t deny it. I am having troubles with my mother and this is my perception of it. Take it or leave it! It appears that 2010 will be the year I learn how to forgive and that is the only resolution I have.

P.S. In case I forgot Happy New Year!