You know you're a writer if...

These are just some things I have been thinking about…

You know you’re a writer if…

You use many notebooks, many well used, well loved and nearly falling apart, yet holding the very thoughts and essence, a catalogue of you since the beginning of writing journey.

You care a small notebook around with you just in case.

You have a whole arsenal of pens with you at all times, because you never know.

Pens and paper have special intangible qualities to you. I can still remember the feeling and the pen I used to write Song of the Superheroes.

The letters on the computer keyboard are wearing off.

You think of your characters as real people sometimes.

You know your characters better than some of your friends

When you’re walking down the street and a scene from the story your working pops in your head and you get so caught up in it, you’re talking to yourself whilst out in public and people think you’re entirely weird.

Real people and places always inspire you. Everything would make a good story!!!

You imagine as opposed to daydreaming.

Daydreams usually consist of characters and scenes from stories your working on.

When writing an e-mail to a friend it’s practically an essay and you have to edit it for grammar and mistakes.

Grammar and spelling errors irritate the hell out of you.

Words are you vice without them you’d be completely lost.

You can write in complete silence or in utter chaos if the time calls for it.

Anywhere with a place to sit and good lighting is a good place to write. In fact you can write anywhere, bus stops, staff rooms, restaurants, etc.

When you stay up until 3 or 4 in the morning and suddenly realise you have to be up in three hours, but couldn’t care less because you’re on a roll with your current writing endeavour.

You see dreams as inspiration for story ideas

You sometimes dream about the story the working on, sometimes improving your story. :P

You’re constantly brainstorming ideas for your story.

When your head is full of thoughts and the only way to comprehend and process it all is to write out what is frustrating you, making you happy, exciting you, etc.

You have tried more than one type of writing such as journalism, novels, screenwriting, poetry, journaling, etc.

And finally you know you’re a writer when you truly believe you are. :)

P.S….I having nothing to add.

The pieces of my heart

It’s a new week therefore a new start. :)

I am kind of relieved because I resolved the conflict from Wednesday between another associate and I who I will call Rosie for anonymity reasons. Turns out she, was just upset by the way I was discussing Pretty Blue Eyes, which I agree. She was more concerned about me being too open and that I should keep personal matters to myself and what happened between Pretty Blue Eyes and I should be kept between us. She also pointed out that my friend Carma Bubbly (because she is so cheery and happy) was very loud about my affections for Pretty Blue Eyes and proceeded to describe him, although rather accurate in a rather inappropriate way, one that I strangely got all annoyed with others for during a completely different incident. I digress I got caught up in the excitement of the moment, which is really easy when you like someone. I apologised to Rosie if I offended her and that I learnt my lesson. She was so nice about it in fact she is quite lovely, which really surprised me as I thought she entirely hated me. Considering I was stupid a couple of days after the incident and mentioned that she embarrassed me to another associate without checking to see if she was in the entire lounge. I didn’t say why I was embarrassed but I mentioned I learnt my lesson regarding the distribution of personal matters to others. I waved awkwardly once she was pointed it out and decided that it was kind of redundant to keep brewing over something that was obviously a misunderstanding therefore I was impressed to apologise to her. THE END!

Too think that in a month or so I’ll have been back in Canada for a whole year. It seems like yesterday that I was anticipating the move back, only a fraction of a second ago when as the plane was leaving Rockhampton taxing, ready to take off into the sky that I burst into tears. I remember the flight attendant asking me if I was OK. The truth is I left my heart sitting in the waiting room at the airport; I left it behind with my friends.

I used to think that I if I left most of my heart in another country, would I be able to give my whole heart to others? I mean I spread it around to Carol, Tony, my Mom (Even though Hev-Lady drives me mad) and my friends in Australia, where was the rest of my heart and is it meant for someone else special and more best friends too? So considering my experience from two-weeks ago and how I am making more friends here, I’ve come to the conclusion that perhaps I still have enough of my heart to give or perhaps it’s bigger than I thought it was. I feel that almost a year later I am finally finding my way again, adjusting to the new circumstances of my life. I feel like things are getting better despite the rough patches I have endured. I think it’s only made me stronger.

P.S. I have been writing more Fizzy Lemonade lately. :P

My unchosen playlist of songs in my entire head!

I always get songs in my head that seem to reflect how I am feeling at the time. I am suffering from many musical worms.

For starters when I finally realised I liked Pretty Blue Eyes, I was stuck with the song Why Do Birds Suddenly Appear? By the Carpenters. Urgh I kept wanting to sing it all the time. I just felt so joyous.

Now it’s a mixture of It Hurts to Be In Love by Gene Pitney, then occasionally Love by Nat King Cole on constant rewind in my head, word for word. Followed by, You Can’t Hurry Love by The Supremes. These songs just pop up out of nowhere! Rah! It’s like one song is reflecting my hurt one is reflecting how I feel still and one is advising me and giving me hope. I think about stuff to much.

And when I was anticipating Star Trek I kept hearing every version of the theme songs from four of the TV series, the original series, Next Generation, Deep Space Nine and Voyager.

Then sometimes randomly Teletubies! To the point that I sing it out loud, needless to say I got funny looks. Maybe it represents my childishness.

And of course the honourable mentions are

Threes Company theme song

M*A*S*H*

Dora the Explorer

Jingle Bells

Pretty much any oldie song randomly pops in too no thanks to satellite radio and my mom’s love of the old stuff.

Any Hannah Montana song, stupid singing pens near the tills. I want to take them off the shelves and throw them into the fiery pits of hell. I wish those stupid kids would leave them alone.

I could think of more too. Anyways I felt I should write a happier entry. :P

P.S. I forgot to return my first library book in on time. :P That is all. I just wanted to be random.

My fours star ranting an raving entry part 3

Hmmmmmmmmm what to write?

Well I have officially been a four star cashier at Wal-Mart since April. Wow what an accomplishment! Apparently this is no major feat as I should be getting writing awards and having a comfortable journalism job according to some people because I spent all this money and time and blabedy blah on it and therefore I should be. To that I say so what? I mean I am merely making a means to an end. THE END! I wish people would stop budding in to my life even if they mean well.

I’ve had a rough week.

Firstly I had my heart broken and I am infinitely confused about his rejection and the way he said. Is it an open door still or is it closed and he was trying to be nice as to not hurt my feelings. I had to face him the very next day and afterwards I burst into tears because it hurt me a lot. I guess I must of really liked him for that to happen. I keep pining for him. I wish it would entirely stop.

Secondly I came in to contact with my brothers grandparents. It was entirely awkward. It irritated me to no end who little they knew about their own grandson, they live 2 hours away, yet they only visit him at least once a year, twice if he is lucky. They talked to him like he was a little baby. Tony is entirely intelligent. ENTIRELY INTELLIGENT! So there! How would you feel if you were 17 having disabilities or not and your grandma kept saying “Go sit on Daddy’s knee,” etc.

Then I was entirely humiliated by a co-worker in front of my friends in the lunch room and she knows who the firstly is I just mentioned. Her words stung me like venomous daggers. It kind of involved Pretty Blue Eyes. Luckily most of the people were on my side and what she said was so not nice at all. Hmph. I believe in Karma enough said.

These last few entries have been rather ranting and raving in nature. It feels good to get it out though. It saves me from becoming a scarlety monster. I do think I am dealing with this rough patch better then the one a few months ago. Anyways, I promise I will write a real entry soon. :)

P.S. Rough times only make you stronger.

Oh yeah I believe I am 18/ 100 entries :P

Rainy Day Blues

I am so annoyed with myself for the last two days I have been pining. Pining for someone I cannot have or maybe have to be patient to see if his mind changes. I can’t figure out when he told me we had to be friends if he looked sad because he knew he was going to break my heart or because he liked me too and knew that it wasn’t the right time or place to begin a relationship. I can’t figure out when I was around him yesterday if I was just feeling a longing of my own or picking up on his as well and hoping he was also longing. Urgh! I wish I could stop thinking about Pretty Blue Eyes (that’s what I will call him from now on) Somebody come and smack me back to reality please! But please anything but the stop agonising over it, it will get better, you’ll still meet someone special, etc. Then I think I might want to punch you in the face!

If getting my heart broken wasn’t bad enough I am slowly watching my brother deteriorate into a deep and dark sadness that I cannot cure or aid him in getting out of. It’s like all the joy and his whole world he knew before was violently ripped from him. I want to throw him a rope and bring him from the dark hole he was managed to fall into. It breaks my heart even more to know that my little brother is in emotional turmoil and I cannot seem to help him one bit. I mean I can visit him, play with him, hug him, try to remind him mom and I love him and he is there because mom is too sick to care for him anymore. Therefore my heart is doubly broken and I too have lost all the joy I have felt the last couple of weeks. And ironically Tony also has pretty blue eyes.

Then today I brought up the issue of my absent father, the ultimate rejecter as far as I am concerned to Hev-Lady, she gave the usual “I don’t know what to say” response. Its so awkward talking to her about it. It’s like she cares but she doesn’t care at the same time. I’d like her to step into my shoes one day and see what its like for everyone to ask about your “parents” or when filling out student loan applications and under father having to cross the section out and put no applicable or seeing little girls holding their fathers hands whilst shopping around Wal-Mart. Fathers day is the worst day of the year for me. It’s the one day of the year that I am reminded that I am different that I never had a dad who cared about me, much less acknowledge my existence and at least come and look for me. And now it appears that I am triply heartbroken just from thinking about this. Anyways I plan to look for him, Hev-Lady can go fly a kite.

Life just doesn’t feel right at the moment. I hope I learn something from all this.

I’m just sad right now, don’t mind me. It’s one of my rainy days. Every song on the radio seems to reflect what I am feeling.

I am merely attempting to write more. Writing is one of the only things, besides my friends that have never let me down; unless I have writer’s block then I know I am depressed.

P.S. I am going to attempt my 100 entries anyway. So there!

Oh the perils of falling in love, again and again

It has been a long absence from the blogging as of late. I seem to be having more absences then I used too. I remember when I used to write every second day in my online weblog of all randomness. Spouting off of things that I think were rather Emo, obsessive, anxieties or frustrations that did NOT belong on a public space. (I’ve learnt my lesson on that one) Not to mention posting my stories for the entire world to see. (I guess this entry isn't much better.)

Why is love so irrational? I always seem to fall for the wrong guy. Thankfully this time around I was smart enough not to share my recent romantic infection on this blog. I read the old Officer Octogenarian (The person not the character), entries and I think how bizarre my behaviour was. I since scared him off due to my strangeness, think misdirected text messages, drunken text messages of undying liking, etc, etc. I never truly loved him or cared. You know why? Because I never took the risk and told him that I felt something for him, something I think now was more lust than love and really just liked feeling that way. Crushing on a guy is like an addiction really, you can’t eat, you can’t sleep, and you could just explode from happiness. If I really really liked him like I thought I did I would have found someway to tell him instead of pining for him? Or making up all these insane plans and constantly annoying people with my obsessions. I just liked liking Officer Old if that makes sense. The other factor of this is confidence. I don’t feel like I am good enough for the object of my desire so I chicken out. It feels safer to love from a far, rather than risk getting heartbroken, than to risk sharing who I really am.

The guy before Officer Old turned out to be the wrong guy for me anyways! So I am thankful it didn’t work. And I strongly suspect he had my friends reject me for him as they said they asked me about it. You know the whole “you’re a great girl but…” Blah! Once the irrationality of the love blinders became undone I saw him in a different light, more of an acquaintance than friend. Then something did happen and well he lead me on…THE END

The one before that, the Burger King crush I constantly wrote about in my old journal on Kiwibox. I think I was using the happiness feeling to help me get through the stressful time before going to Australia. Honestly the feeling of crushing on someone must be an addiction. I really wanted to tell him, but I mean I was leaving soon and well, whats done is done.

I’ve only ever told two guys that I like them that way. Ironically I wrote both of them letters, saying I liked them and both times I was told how brave I was from casual observers of my romantic endeavours and both times I was gently let down, but I still feel like I was shot down in flames. Both of whom didn’t say they didn’t like or dislike me, but said they had other commitments or maybe not ready for someone in their lives, which is understandable. They really want me as a friend. These two men I can say they were a bit more than crushes. I think I really truly and fully cared. I wanted to be around them and be close to them.

The first guy I ever truly liked was friends with for 3 years before I devolved the googly eyes for him. I still think of him fondly. Part of my heart still lingers in the “what if?” When I first experienced love sickness it was all new to me. I just wanted to be around him and spend time with him, share my interests. It felt like a waste once I felt the first sting of rejection. My heart broke I felt so low that I cried and the teachers in school couldn’t figure out what was wrong.

The other the most recent I inexplicable fell for within two weeks and fell for hard I did. I just love everything about him. I don’t dream about him, but I can’t stop thinking about him and I keep fantasising nuclear family type things. The kind of things were we settle down and have 2.5 kids and we like to be around each other and the first initial feelings of love develop into stronger mutual understanding and respect for one another, meanwhile living in a comfortable little house, with nice neighbours. It almost makes me sick thinking that I actually wanted that! I wanted him to be my first love! When I gave him the “like” letter I kept hoping that as I was walking away from the scene like the passive aggressive lover that I am he’d run behind me shouting my name and declare that he too has the same feelings, take me in his beautiful arms and kiss me! Urgh the embarrassment. Everyone told me I was doing the right thing, that if I liked him I should go for it. I should let him know sooner than later because it could be too late and I have nothing to lose for saying anything because I haven’t really had anything to begin with. How about my dignity? Thank you very much. I can’t even look him in his pretty blue eyes anymore without knowing that he knows my secret, that I knew I had to tell him but didn’t work out that way wanted too. If they hadn’t encouraged me to do it. I’d still be happily liking him very, very much so. They can take the whole take a leap of faith spiel and piss off. I am so angry with myself for feeling this way, when I was so sure I was doing the right thing! I feel so dumb now.

I also think that perhaps this was Karma as I broke another’s heart. He probably felt that “I like you for you. I want to experience the world with you and so on and so forth,” but I was too damned obsessed with Officer Old or perhaps too scared to understand there are guys out there that do like me for me think I am wonderful and amazing to the point that they buy me flowers and make a point to call me just because. I am just too stubborn to see it or believe it. I’d rather just stay closed off from love, I don’t want to share myself with anyone. I am content within myself that I don’t need someone to complete me, but I’d like to have someone try to share myself with so we can become one yet still remain complete in ourselves and not lose our identities. If that makes any sense? When I fall for someone I want to be with them forever or at least till where insanely old and sick of each other, but if one died, the other would die after from a broken heart. I feel so entirely idealistic.

I wish I could burry my feelings. I wish I had Data from Star Trek Next Generation’s ability to shut down my emotion chip when my emotions got the better of me. I can’t seem to develop a thick skin I wear my heart on my sleeve and get carried away in the moment in the feelings. If anyone has an idea of how to stop a crush before it gets out of hand please let me know because I am getting sick of the rejection and the aftermath of telling someone and feeling my heart being break inside of me. I am constantly reminded of the scene in the Simpsons where Bart has a crush on the babysitter and she declares her adoration for Jimbo and Bart suddenly imagines her ripping out his heart and throwing it in the trash, meanwhile saying “You won’t be needing this?” I feel like I crossed the line after announcing my affections. It is times like this where I feel so down that I really miss my friends in Australia, I really miss Carol, I miss being myself before I was enamoured by the drug called love. Is there any cure for this or will I have to experience the agony of rejection again?

P.S. My goal for 100 posts by 2010 is a sham. I’ll be lucky if I make 50!