It has been a long absence from the blogging as of late. I seem to be having more absences then I used too. I remember when I used to write every second day in my online weblog of all randomness. Spouting off of things that I think were rather Emo, obsessive, anxieties or frustrations that did NOT belong on a public space. (I’ve learnt my lesson on that one) Not to mention posting my stories for the entire world to see. (I guess this entry isn't much better.)
Why is love so irrational? I always seem to fall for the wrong guy. Thankfully this time around I was smart enough not to share my recent romantic infection on this blog. I read the old Officer Octogenarian (The person not the character), entries and I think how bizarre my behaviour was. I since scared him off due to my strangeness, think misdirected text messages, drunken text messages of undying liking, etc, etc. I never truly loved him or cared. You know why? Because I never took the risk and told him that I felt something for him, something I think now was more lust than love and really just liked feeling that way. Crushing on a guy is like an addiction really, you can’t eat, you can’t sleep, and you could just explode from happiness. If I really really liked him like I thought I did I would have found someway to tell him instead of pining for him? Or making up all these insane plans and constantly annoying people with my obsessions. I just liked liking Officer Old if that makes sense. The other factor of this is confidence. I don’t feel like I am good enough for the object of my desire so I chicken out. It feels safer to love from a far, rather than risk getting heartbroken, than to risk sharing who I really am.
The guy before Officer Old turned out to be the wrong guy for me anyways! So I am thankful it didn’t work. And I strongly suspect he had my friends reject me for him as they said they asked me about it. You know the whole “you’re a great girl but…” Blah! Once the irrationality of the love blinders became undone I saw him in a different light, more of an acquaintance than friend. Then something did happen and well he lead me on…THE END
The one before that, the Burger King crush I constantly wrote about in my old journal on Kiwibox. I think I was using the happiness feeling to help me get through the stressful time before going to Australia. Honestly the feeling of crushing on someone must be an addiction. I really wanted to tell him, but I mean I was leaving soon and well, whats done is done.
I’ve only ever told two guys that I like them that way. Ironically I wrote both of them letters, saying I liked them and both times I was told how brave I was from casual observers of my romantic endeavours and both times I was gently let down, but I still feel like I was shot down in flames. Both of whom didn’t say they didn’t like or dislike me, but said they had other commitments or maybe not ready for someone in their lives, which is understandable. They really want me as a friend. These two men I can say they were a bit more than crushes. I think I really truly and fully cared. I wanted to be around them and be close to them.
The first guy I ever truly liked was friends with for 3 years before I devolved the googly eyes for him. I still think of him fondly. Part of my heart still lingers in the “what if?” When I first experienced love sickness it was all new to me. I just wanted to be around him and spend time with him, share my interests. It felt like a waste once I felt the first sting of rejection. My heart broke I felt so low that I cried and the teachers in school couldn’t figure out what was wrong.
The other the most recent I inexplicable fell for within two weeks and fell for hard I did. I just love everything about him. I don’t dream about him, but I can’t stop thinking about him and I keep fantasising nuclear family type things. The kind of things were we settle down and have 2.5 kids and we like to be around each other and the first initial feelings of love develop into stronger mutual understanding and respect for one another, meanwhile living in a comfortable little house, with nice neighbours. It almost makes me sick thinking that I actually wanted that! I wanted him to be my first love! When I gave him the “like” letter I kept hoping that as I was walking away from the scene like the passive aggressive lover that I am he’d run behind me shouting my name and declare that he too has the same feelings, take me in his beautiful arms and kiss me! Urgh the embarrassment. Everyone told me I was doing the right thing, that if I liked him I should go for it. I should let him know sooner than later because it could be too late and I have nothing to lose for saying anything because I haven’t really had anything to begin with. How about my dignity? Thank you very much. I can’t even look him in his pretty blue eyes anymore without knowing that he knows my secret, that I knew I had to tell him but didn’t work out that way wanted too. If they hadn’t encouraged me to do it. I’d still be happily liking him very, very much so. They can take the whole take a leap of faith spiel and piss off. I am so angry with myself for feeling this way, when I was so sure I was doing the right thing! I feel so dumb now.
I also think that perhaps this was Karma as I broke another’s heart. He probably felt that “I like you for you. I want to experience the world with you and so on and so forth,” but I was too damned obsessed with Officer Old or perhaps too scared to understand there are guys out there that do like me for me think I am wonderful and amazing to the point that they buy me flowers and make a point to call me just because. I am just too stubborn to see it or believe it. I’d rather just stay closed off from love, I don’t want to share myself with anyone. I am content within myself that I don’t need someone to complete me, but I’d like to have someone try to share myself with so we can become one yet still remain complete in ourselves and not lose our identities. If that makes any sense? When I fall for someone I want to be with them forever or at least till where insanely old and sick of each other, but if one died, the other would die after from a broken heart. I feel so entirely idealistic.
I wish I could burry my feelings. I wish I had Data from Star Trek Next Generation’s ability to shut down my emotion chip when my emotions got the better of me. I can’t seem to develop a thick skin I wear my heart on my sleeve and get carried away in the moment in the feelings. If anyone has an idea of how to stop a crush before it gets out of hand please let me know because I am getting sick of the rejection and the aftermath of telling someone and feeling my heart being break inside of me. I am constantly reminded of the scene in the Simpsons where Bart has a crush on the babysitter and she declares her adoration for Jimbo and Bart suddenly imagines her ripping out his heart and throwing it in the trash, meanwhile saying “You won’t be needing this?” I feel like I crossed the line after announcing my affections. It is times like this where I feel so down that I really miss my friends in Australia, I really miss Carol, I miss being myself before I was enamoured by the drug called love. Is there any cure for this or will I have to experience the agony of rejection again?
P.S. My goal for 100 posts by 2010 is a sham. I’ll be lucky if I make 50!
A Life of Choice
6 years ago