Life and times of an astrophysist who is actually a former journalism student who is really a NERD nerdy retarded weird girl pretending to be an astrophysisist...mispelling INTENDED!

NERD nerdy retarded weird girl central...well mostly my mussings and random interludes whilst I am working towards getting a car and licence so my random adventures and time spent in Australia was worth while. It should be intersting Enjoy! While in Australia...I was sunburnt,went to Sydney and wrote my first novel. So far back in Canadia I have been couch hoping and meandering from city to city. More adventures to come. Hopefully they are as interesting as my Australia ones.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

What to write about? That is the question!

This age old question still haunts me since the day I decided I wanted to be a writer.

What do I want to write about?

It’s usually subconscious but it start as soon as my fingers grace the keyboard of my computer or the pen I am holding begins to scribble the many scrambled thoughts and ideas that cluttered within. Some days, like today I do think to myself now what is it that I want to write?

When I stop and think about it, is when I just write until the idea that I meant to have comes pouring out from the very depths of my soul. For instance I was just randomly free writing and journaling and I suddenly thought how strange some new friends I’ve become acquainted with slowly. I’m not going to say who or where I know them...(anonymity reasons of course) They claim to be Christian but proudly announce how they drink, party, smoke and participate in certain activities which go against the morals you would normally associate with Christianity. So would this in fact make them hypocrites or perhaps contradictory. I’m not judging them or anything I just find it strange. Humanity is strange structures and boxes where suppose to fit into are so engrained in us, that to merely survive some sort of societal structure or label is needed to understand anything in life. Even language! So if you attach the label of Christian (because I definitely think it is one) but the label doesn’t match, then what?

I also think it’s interesting how another Christian friend has this image of God as kindly old man like Santa Claus or Albus Dummbledore and after reading the Old Testament in the Bible particularly in Ezekiel where God kills Ezekiel’s wife as part of a prophecy and proceeded to tell him how he wasn’t allowed to mourn. This is of course added to the other things God demanded of him, which by today’s standards is pretty obscene. It’s because of this her whole image was shattered and she became irate with another group member about it. Boo hoo! God can be mean, yet there is usually a purpose for it.

This reminds me of a conversation I had with Matthew ages ago. He was teasing a fellow Bible study member and I said he was mean and he replied so God is mean.

I don’t get it if God is supposedly perfect then why the temper tantrums which are seemingly imperfect. (I am meandering the line of sacrilege and am imagining God with a lightning bolt to strike me dead for asking the questions I do.) He also created humans? But why? Devoted Christians says it’s part of his plan, but what is his plan exactly?

Me I have no set image of God. He is kind of like this big invisible force everywhere at once. I know he is out there, powerful, temperamental and with a very strange sense of humour. I also don’t blame him for being cranky from time to time either, despite the fact that crankiness is also imperfect.

Gah my brain hurts from thinking too much! Anyways....

P.S. Chaz scratched my fingers up. Ah the joy of kitties.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

15 minutes of love solitude or sandwiches?

A question has been brought to me as of late. Almost 2 weeks ago.

I was enjoying my 15 minute break on a Thursday when my friend Matthew called and asked me how I was, ect...I reply along the lines of I am enjoying my 15 minutes of solitude as being around people all day is mentally draining. (Believe me it is!)

Matthew: What if it was a prince and you could only see him 15 minutes a day and he would be completely devoted too you. He would love you like no other, but you could only have him for 15 minutes? And in this time you fulfill any needs you may have...(No need to imply what he means by that :P) And then after the 15 minutes are up he turns into a frog.
Me: Me that would suck! I would want someone like that for more than 15 minutes. What if there was a magic spell to stop the cycle from continuing?
Matthew: No! It doesn't work like that you either have one or the other.
Me: Well then I would choose solitude!
Matthew: OK but he'd bestow his love upon you and only you, etc...
Me: Urgh....Yes I get it!

Of course a week later I change my mind reasoning that if it was true love might as well have it even though its for 15 minutes a day. He said he'd choose solitude because it would impeed on his freedom because he likes being single.

So the next day I added a twist... Matthew hearts Julia Roberts, particualarily when she was Tinkerbell when she was normal sized and wearing the pretty blue dress.

Me: What if you could have princess for 15 minutes a day and it was Julia Roberts. Would you still choose solitude?
Matthew: Absolutely
Me: But its Julia Roberts! And its only 15 minutes a day!
Matthew: Exactly, it would impeed on my freedom because I'd be missing her the rest of the day.

Oh brother! The old cliche comes to mind. A life without love is no life at all. Or how about? Its better to have love then lost to have never loved at all. I hate cliches so I apologise for writing them down. Why would someone choose lonliness? I guess because you can't get hurt and you get to be your own person and what not, but still.

Anyways, I aided Matthew in getting a meatball sandwich from Subway to which he said was just as good as having Julia Roberts for 15 minutes a day. What an interesting contradiction?
So I responded along the same lines...you see I also got a sandwich for my mom but I gave her the wrong half and sent her on her way back home only to find out I got the wrong sandwich. I ended up getting a hold of Hev-Lady and she managed to get the next bus back just to switch them around because my sandwich was just not up to par with her standards. She had a club with cheddar cheese no sauce I had a club with white cheese and honey mustard dressing. She hates dressing perfering it natural. I like dressing enough said. Anways after mom and I sucessfully switched sandwiches (Matthew apparently found the whole ordeal hillarious!) I sent him a message that said.

Me: I finally ate my sandwich it was as good as having Simon Baker (The guy from the Mentalist) for 15 minutes a day....
Matthew: Ha ha!
Me: Of course you are handsomer than Simon I'd rather spend 15 minutes a day with you!
Me thinking: Oh dear God I don't think that was apropriate to send too a church pastor! Hev-Lady agrees...:S
Me: Just kidding by the way! (I was hoping to soften the blow)
Matthew: I wasn't!
Me thinking: Oh God! Aghghghghghghghg!
Me: Wasn't what?
Matthew: Joking! But actually I was!
Me thinking: OK...I can breathe now
Matthew: I agree I am handsomer than Simon.
Me thinking: Conceeded are we?
Me: Indeed! (Because he really is!)

So I wonder dear readers which would you choose?
A: Handsome Princess/Beautiful Princess who will be the epitome of true love
Or...
B: Solitude, lonliness or freedom

Anyways.... If you think this conversation is weird perhaps the one about oranges would be of interest. But that is for another time...In fact I dreamt that Matthew came to help get my mom and I to church with only 9 minutes to till the service started and mom and I had to pay him in oranges and a balecava.

Oh yes I am also happy to announce there are two more members to my family. My mom and I are outnumbered by animals 4 to 1. Two kittens, both cute and orange, both brothers, named Charley and Chaz.

P.S. This entry was written at the library. I couldn't think of anything snarky or cryptic to ummm add.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Weird dreams and a broken heart

I honestly have no idea what to write about…..

Well it appears that my weird dreams have resurfaced, from stress no doubt. 

Let see it involves Wal-Mart, Philis Philmore, making cakes, the Anti- Christ, speaking in tongues, God yelling at me about something, Carol, pretty flowers and Dolly Parton escaping bad guys on an inflatable raft. Told you it was weird.

Perhaps the weirdest part was waiting in a big line up to speak with Jesus in the flesh and then watch him and Carol have an entire conversation in tongues. I honestly had no idea what they were saying, but Carol was very happy. Then He talked to me in which we both spoke in tongues and he said I had to much darkness inside of me and that’s all I remember. Then as Carol and I finish our visit I run into Jesus again, except he looks different and he laments how I have forsaken him because it turns out that the Jesus we were talking to was the Anti-Christ. Then of course I wake up in the dream and God comes to me and talks to me again and so on and so forth. Not supposed to go into details because apparently the conversation is private, but I am allowed to tell my friend Matthew about it for some reason. Hmmmm…I mean I better do what God tells me even if it was a dream because he has this thing for inflicting wrath, especially if you read the Old Testament.  But then again the God in the New Testament seems nicer…

The whole Dolly Parton and cake thing were completely separate dreams. Dolly falls onto raft and says “oh boy lucky there was a raft there to save me.” The bad guy fell into the water, turns out it was sewage and Ms Parton was on a search for flowers for her pretty little home which was built on the water. And then the cake dream I got mad at my stepmother for helping me finish a cake without asking. Meanwhile attending church and thinking the pastor was a joke. To which my older sister was in love with him she asked my brother (not my real life one) “what’s with guys and there mixed messages?” because the pastor had rejected her and broke her entire heart. To which he replied he was responsible to answer that because he wasn’t a guy but really was. Then I had a younger sister who apparently had a thing for hiding under the kitchen table. She was destroying with the aforementioned cake to despite stepmother who was actually quite nice and didn‘t deserve the animosity. Note: I don’t actually have a sister or a stepmother but I do know a pastor. Oh yes and I had red hair and was really tall that part was cool.

I have also decided its maybe it is more then time to let Pretty Blue Eyes go! I got a little obsessed and jumped the gun and put his pretty picture in my Amy locket. I thought maybe it would bring good luck. It did the opposite I was always worried the locket would pop open and he’d see that I had put his picture there. Today I finally removed the picture and what do you know the anxiety went a way. I will save the empty space for someone who feels the same way. THE END! One problem I still entirely like him! Grrrr….

Why is the heart so irrational? When it all started I had notice or detection of time.  It all came to a standstill. It was just me, him and the constant beating of my heart and the subsequent ache that was impressed upon my heart from the pain of unrequited love. Why would anyone want to put themselves through that? It feels so beautiful at first then once the slap in the face and sudden appearance of reality unfolds it hurts like hell. Why should I desire someone or something that I cannot have? Why lust over a moment that I may never share. To love someone who does not love you back is hard. Your brain knows its illogical and nothing may ever come of it. Yet the heart is indifferent. It doesn’t seem to care. To have emotions is part of being human. I see his cute crooked grin and it all unwinds from there. Once again I am picking at the scab. It’s almost healed but not quite. I know everyone says there is other fish in the sea, but he seems to be the only one I see. I think someone needs to hand me a fishing rod.

P.S. It is ummmm raining!

Thursday, September 03, 2009

I've Bean whinging again!

Well I successfully have a nice shinny new mobile Internet Rocket Stick from Rogers it even matches my pretty red computer. To bad it only works if I am downtown or perhaps half way down the street! There be no reception out here. I tried meandering aimlessly around my house trying to pick up a least a bar of service but NOTHING! I even tried threatening said Rogers Mobile Rocket Stick by pretending to eat it. I had a bar for two seconds and when I tried to connect it failed miserably. What a waste of money and I am potentially stuck with it for two years! Gah! So obviously this entry strangely enough is being published by way of my shinny new computer as well as painstakingly typed on it. I hate it too the keyboard is all different and I can’t seem to type on it properly. I miss femputer she new how to work properly for me. She is now six feet under dead. What a stupid idea leasing a brand new computer! The fellow dedicated readers (who never respond anymore I might add) can thank Hev-Lady for it is the use of her computer that you are able to read about my ranting and ravings about the inability to use my new fancy wireless internet stick. I am sounding like a pregnant old lady woman whinging about new technology and how terribly horrible it is.

So seeing that my mobile Internet stick hates Copper Mountain, I have decided to go with the plan of bringing my computer downtown where I can use it at my leisure. If you can’t beat them, join them. I am currently at the community garden with Hev-Lady where she is currently picking beans. Monster beans! Then there are her gigantic zucchinis and numerous onions, tomatoes and marigolds. Her garden plot is like a mosaic amongst the perfectly ordered and designed gardens neighbouring it.

Surrounded by plants and the wind is relaxing. It’s when I am in places like this that I become very reflective. For starters why do I even bother trying to be friends with some people. They are either too stuck up, cliquey or too plain serious to even understand me. If they think feigning interest in me is going to get them brownie points with God, they forget that I am smart enough to know they are just being nice because they think they have too or want to appear to be nice moral do-gooders. I don’t want sympathy friends. I want real friends. I am just fed up! I go through all this trouble at work to change my availability at work and then they decided that Wednesdays don’t work for them it has to be Thursdays now. And then they are like it oh the only person it doesn’t work for is Melissa. It shouldn’t be a problem to change it at work. Uh yes it will be. I really don’t think my front end manager is going to appreciate me constantly changing my availability when perhaps a month or two down the road they decide that perhaps Tuesday or Friday is better for them. I understand it had to be changed because one new member who only started coming three times now has choir and another one has other responsibilities, but I’ve come to nearly every study since the beginning. Not to mention if another member can’t make it, its call cancelled just for them, but if I can’t make it too bad so sad. It’s not fair. Some members can even bring their little kids along to disrupt everything. But its oh so cute to have a little kid banging on the windows and whacking you with beaded necklaces and other random objects. Thank you very much. Great now I sound like I am entirely selfish. I should just speak up and tell them how annoyed I am with them. Instead of being passive aggressive and ignoring everyone after the study is finished and either withdrawal completely or read a book. I should study the Bible on my own from now on. Or maybe make my own Bible study with Erica who wants to learn too. I’m sick of being in the background. I don’t want to be a beta female anymore. I really should just tell people how frustrated I am instead of whinging on my blog for the whole world to see.

I wish I would stop worrying what people think. In between writing this I frequently bitched to poor Hev-Lady who is often the victim of my ramblings. I’m pretty sure she figuratively wishes to slap me to snap me back to reality instead of spiralling into darkness of irritability, self doubt and frustration.

I am also sick of Pretty Blue Eyes and his mixed messages. Enough said. I am also sick of the moronic girls going all googly eyed and gooey over him, but that’s just he jealousy speaking. Sam-Lady says I should just tell Pretty Blue Eyes to his face that I like him instead of some letter. I think its entirely redundant seeing as he already made it clear friendship is all he can offer at this time. “At this time.” I wish I could forget those three words and stop analysing and wondering what they meant. It would have been so much easier if it was a rejection to slam the entire door in my face instead of just a gentle let down. Breaking my heart was already inevitable, would have made more sense to me if he was just clear about it instead of softening the blow.

P.S. Where oh where has Joan gone?