2009: a retrospective look

In less then 2 days 2009 will finally be at an end. I really meant to write more this month but for some reason it was the season for madness. People buying presents with money they don’t have for people who probably don’t deserve it or just want to impress. I was mentally drained for the last three weeks and it’s only now that I am recovering on some level. I am doing OK. I am just going on with life as usual.

So what will 2010 bring besides double digits, the Vancouver Winter Olympics, and another birthday? Will there be more astronomically stupid infatuations on extremely good looking arrogant men who do deserve my affections. Continuing on with Wal-Mart, more writing? Most likely.

So far the five Ws of 2009 (in no particular order of importance)

1. Wal-Mart
2. Wondering
3. Waiting
4. Wanting
5. Wasting time

(Perhaps there should be a willing somewhere on the list because none of it really sounds positive.)

2009 has been better then 2008. For starters its more stable. I am not moving country to country town to town. I’ve finally had a steady job for over a year. I am safe but stuck and I am stuck because I am safe.

This pretty much sums up what I think of the year. Therefore, I hereby present 2009 in retrospect…Some major events include.

Pretty Blue Eyes…. I won’t even waste anymore words on this…

Moving out to the boonies in July, during a heat wave no less, it was not pleasant.

My on going battle of personal issues….

Almost burning the new house down…its kind of strange story.

Acquiring two new kitties cats into the family. Charley and Chazy. (It used to be Chaz)

Going to Bible study (Small Group) and constantly whinging how I don’t fit in, etc, etc. Reading about Ezekiel was pretty cool though.

Going back to church…I still haven’t figured that one out yet. It started because Hev-Lady will stop bugging me to go.

My brother going into permanent care. I will be a year the end of February.

My sudden desire to start collecting dolls. It’s kind of creepy.

Learning to sew. I swear mom’s sewing machine is a hungry monster that eats fabric…but anyways.

My poodle skirt! I made it especially for Halloween. I was stupid and didn’t take pictures.

STAR TREK! Although I was somewhat divided on how the director changed things with the whole alternate universe thing. I seriously waited all year to see it.

Star Trek –Lady, part of the new system at work. The new express lane tills, just in time of the Christmas rush. She is this love disembodied voice who tells customers where to go (the register to which they must pay), literally and in a nice way too via the pressing of a lovely silver button. She sounds like the Star Trek computer in Star Trek Next Generation hence Star Trek –Lady. Not to mention the registers make me feel like I am operating 1/6th of a giant space ship. It’s kind of like a mega cashier with one line up. The new system works ok if it’s busy, but its crap when it’s slow. For starters Till 1 gets all the customers. And no one pays attention to Star Trek-Lady. Oh and its self bagging…that really pissed customers off for the first month or so.

I’ve begun reading a lot of books. I’ve read 28 from recollection it might be more… I’ve only just got back into it.

Having a job interview at a newspaper was beyond cool, but sadly it wasn’t meant to be. I shall endeavour to try again in coming year. I talked to a reporter from the local paper who goes to my church and she said it didn’t matter if they were advertising for a position. I might as well get my name in. So there!

It’s been my first full year back in Canada, but I still feel like I got on the plane from Australia yesterday. 2009 was a year of progress in some areas and regression in others. It also went by way to fast.

So in the word of my dear brother… “HAPPY NEW YOU!”

P.S. More Fizzy Lemonade shall be served in the New Year.

The on going saga and Acorna

Urgh I had an entry all written out 2 weeks ago almost but now it’s outdated so its redundant to publish it. But I will anyways….

A big happy birthday goes out to Tony. He is 18 but for some reason seems to think he is 49.

Me: Happy Birthday Tony!

Tony: Thank you Happy Birthday Me

Me: You’re welcome Tony. How old are you today?

Tony: 49

Me: I thought you were 94.

Tony: No 49

Me: How old am I then?
Tony: 12

Me: Well you’re nearly half right.

In other news Pretty Blue Eyes apparently has a girlfriend, who is not officially his girlfriend but potentially a girlfriend in other words he is most likely taken. Now I can take a big sigh of relief knowing now what he meant by “at this time” bull shit. So all along it was a gentle let down and not the door ajar leaving room for possibilities, confusing the hell out of me. The initial rejection was a mixed message. It still would have been better to at least close the door or slam it in my face so the obsessive person that is mean wouldn’t be wondering about it for 7 months. I just realised what a waste of my entire life this was. MY ENTIRE LIFE! Not telling him how I feel but brooding about it for so long afterwards. I am glad I am able to love, but I wish it was directed at the right guy for once…

P.S. were still friends…Now that I know the above information it makes it easier to be friends.

With Wild Will :P (Well I am!)

P.S.S. I am kind of annoyed about it. I feel like I was lied too for some reason, by him and myself. Why did I fool myself into thinking it was a just a temporary thing? Was I imagining things when he kept sending the mixed signals of all confusingness.

Showing up at my house at 11 at night mysteriously looking for churches in town and introducing me to his parents, yet now that I’ve gotten to know him he seems to think the world revolves around him. He showed up around quarter to 12 at night at my house a month or so later, claiming he was in the neighbourhood playing poker at a friend’s a claim that was later confirmed.

Then there were the mysterious glances for no reason, well to be fair I was looking at him and he was probably just catching me looking at him all along. Well he is really handsome.

Or how about it seeming he was finding excuses to call me?

Singing my name on the phone

Teasing me…

Then the last few days he got really distant from me…now I know why! He sounded really nervous and awkward the last few times too.

(Perhaps it has to do with Wild Will rocking my socks?)

In fact earlier before I managed to get over the initial shock of finding this out and seeing his very elegant friend of his, and not being formally introduced either. I never even heard her name. I found out by listening in on other youths conversations. Hmmph! She looks like one of the models from the Sears catalogue. I went into hours of pure angry madness. I was mad at him. I was mad at myself, etc… I, as always was reading into things far too much. I have all these mixed emotions of anger, embarrassment, shame and hurt and I am not sure how to place them or to deal with them properly.

So now I am officially and determined to meet the real deal! If only I wasn’t so impatient, shy around guys or for some dumb reason pining for Pretty Blue Eyes maybe I’d have found him by now. Perhaps it’s Big Red from work. He has pretty red hair as well as pretty eyes…and he is really tall. He reminds me of Wild Will’s side kick John and he always reads books like me. He seems like a real NERD nerdy retarded weird guy. I’ll start with trying to make friends with him. I just hope he is not too young for me. Really tall people for some reason look older then they are, it would be just my luck if was 18 or something, because another really tall guy I found endearing at work was. :S

P.S.S.S. I thought right other tall guy is 18.

P.S.S.S.S.... Mom wants me to buy cat food.

A is or Acorna. I am nearly done reading Acorna the Unicorn girl series by Anne McCaffery co-writing with 2 authors. The first two with Margret Ball and the rest with Elizabeth Anne Scarborough. Sometimes it is boring and lame, sometimes it is adventurous, overtly technically with the technology and well I still like it. I once joked to Hev-Lady how perhaps I should acquire or own Linyaari (a unicorn person) to heal her. It’s pretty cool actually the Linyaari are a gentle telepathic race with the ability to heal, and purify water and air, just like a unicorn.

I was reading Acorna’s Quest the second book in seven book series and my friend Matthew saw it whilst we were having lunch at Subway.

Matthew: Oh she has a horn on her head. That is hot

Me: Well of course it’s a phallic symbol

Matthew: You’re a phallic symbol.

Me: I lack any of the components to be a phallic symbol.

Obviously Acorna portrays the best of both worlds, she is female and she has a phallus on her head, she is exotic looking with the silver hair and fair skin. Somehow I think the character caters to men’s masculinity or there hidden sexual desires. There is some bestiality undertones as well with her being part equine and all. The ancestral hosts who saved the unicorns from Earth and through genetic splicing created the Linyaari desired the unicorns in that way. Of course this is purely my own opinion. If you read the first book it kind of explains why I think this....

I think it was a few months later...

Matthew: You’re still reading that book?!

Me: No its book five Acorna’s World.

Matthew: Oh...

Me: I still remember you telling me how you think she is hot and the you called me a phallic symbol.

Matthew: (Laughs)

Anyways....I am on the last book out of seven.

Acorna the unicorn girl

Acorna’s Quest

Acorna’s People

Acorna’s World

Acorna’s Search

Acorna’s Rebels

Acorna’s Trimuph.

Acorna. Acorna, Acorna. Acorna, Acorna. Acorna, Acorna. Acorna, Acorna. Acorna, Acorna. Acorna,

Then I find out there is three more in a spin off series called Acorna’s Children... Blah!

P.S.S.S.S....I have to work....

Brains, Brains, Brains

Anyways, I desperately want something happy and witty to write about, but nothing comes to mind...Unless you count weird dreams.

Panic attacks I don’t exactly feel comfortable talking about this particular subject unless it happens to be close friends...in fact I don’t even know why I am writing about it now. Figures....

The resurfacing of amorous type feelings I thought were long buried. It’s true I haven’t gotten over Pretty Blue Eyes, which sometimes have a speck of green in the pale pretty blueness of his pupils. I am not sure if anything will ever happen, but even if it doesn’t I think I have a special place in my heart for him.

I was considering going to the church tonight for a prayer meeting, but I was already a half an hour late, because of work so I thought it was kind of a faux pas to show up late to such a function, even though the idea of meeting up with Pretty Blue Eyes was enticing. I didn’t want to interrupt. As I was walking to my destination (I figured I’d decide by the time I get there.) my imagination wandered into a random garbled day dream.

Me: Sorry I’m late!

Matthew: That’s OK

Random Church member: It’s nice of you to come.

Another random church member: Yes Melissa come and join us.

Me: (apprehensively as it is my style) Ummm OK....

Matthew: You don’t seem to sure.

Five or six more parishioners show up

Group: Come join us.

They all start reaching for me randomly. I start to feel rather uncomfortable.

Group: BRAINS! Braaaaaaaaiiiiiiinnnnnns!

Me: Ahhhhaahahahhahaha!

Group: Brains! Brains! Brains! Brains! Brains!

The all eat me the end.

Yep that is the gist of my day dream, pretty weird huh? I guess if I did a dream analysis here and applied to it the day dream I’d say I’m worried they’d be pissed off for me showing up late and figuratively eat me alive, (logically I know this is not true). They probably would be happy to see me but I walked past the room and they were all reverent and bowed down in prayer. I don’t know about you but it is awkward when you walk in on people praying and ummm it’s distracting especially since they group is trying to talk to God. I imagine big guy upstairs ready to smite me because he is listening to something they have to say that is important, but I interrupt them. Therefore I am at Timmies now drinking apple cinnamon tea and randomly musing all by myself and I am clearly overtly irrational as well.

I finally got in contact with Erica. Thankfully Hev-Lady and she have worked things out. Unfortunately she won’t be allowed to move in anymore. That bridge was burned down way into the fiery pits of no return once her neighbours (not her caregivers) decided to bully her into staying where she is. And I will not be going anywhere near her house again not unless I have a harpoon gun ready just in case The Whale decides to surface again.

However her cat Ozzy is still living at my house. Meanwhile, being an entire snob, eating the kitten’s food (rather than his own) and generally picking on them. He pretty much hides out unless he has to go to the bathroom or eat. He is pretty talented on giving out passive aggressive go away I hate you vibes.

My new kitty Charley is finally warming up to me. He is this tiny little thing with a crooked tail. Sydney tolerates him. I am pretty sure Charley is the only cat Sydney hasn’t tried to hump, Ozzy being his recent conquest. But Charley hasn’t been exempt from humping his brother Chaz, Hev-Lady’s cat demeaned him. Poor Charley enough said.

Nigel Bottington has had a lot to say on this matter:

Dog loves cat: Sames sex, different species has friends confused

An editorial:

By Nigel Bottington Co- Editor in Chief

Bamboozle Times Chronicle Herald

Dear Readers,

As an advocate for homosexuals, being one myself I find no revulsion with same sex relations, in fact I encourage them because Freud himself said humans where innately bisexual. Yet there must be a line drawn when the same relationship crosses into another species altogether. One adorably cute male Shi Tzu- Terrier Alberticus Sidonious- McGlonagick barely a year old may seem the epitome of sweetness, but not once you realise he has a sordid relationship with one Chadwick McGlonagick a male orange tabby kitten. You read right an entire kitten of the feline variety. Not to mention technically related though adoption. Most of the time its accepted Cats and dogs are odds with one another, but never are they in love with one another or in fact pursuing a relationship. This is even worse than automosexualty, the sexual relation with cars or bestiality better known as zoosexuality, such as the relationship between a certain big brown dog and his dastardly ultra feminine wife. (I cannot name names now for fear of libellous implications, no thanks to Sarah Evans!) I am not even sure what to label Alberticus as! He is a somethingsexual? I will supply one at a later day.

That is all I have to say on this matter. It makes me so angry I might poo myself. It’s even more upsetting then finding out that I have to share this new paper with Adrianne Lawrence, who likes to be called Mrs. Amazing Marlon Brando Woman and refers to me as Skinny or Bean Pole and when she is in a rather exceptional mood Nasty Little Gay Man.

I have also been informed there is a whaling expedition in the Suburb of Walkerton where a rather large whale with legs (obviously a person) of the manipulative bitch array from the community of Wankervile is causing problems for the community’s residents. People of the trailer trash variety are a stain on this fine city of Bamboozle and I fully support there expedition as soon I can find my harpoon gun. Mostly because I heard she doesn’t like me for calling her a whale and telling to mind her own business and if she doesn’t like me hanging out with her boyfriend because I am gay. GAY! This whale doesn’t happen to be Philis Philmore either, who is also a whale, but I calls her Fatty Bumstockings instead. (I have sore knees to prove this.)

Nigel Bottington Co-Editor in Chief

Today’s outings are as follows.

Whale McDouche bag

Fatty Bumstockings

Philip Tate

Finbarpurpleton Fergarious

Alberticus McGlonagick

As you may have noticed by the randomosity of this this entry and probably many more is the product of many 3 hour waits for the bus after work. In fact its cumulative entry from the past three weeks. I once tried about year ago to remedy this but with no avail. I kind of like the 3 hours to myself after work before I get home. I get time to unwind after a busy day before I get home. I find I am not as crabby as if I catch the bus 20 minutes after. I am tired yes, but it’s become part of my routine. If it were summer and it weren’t so bloody dark out I’d attempt to walk home.

P.S. Following directions for cinnamon buns is kind of important. They were all doey and umm gross.

It's been a strange week.

So the special needs friend Erica whom I was under the impression was semi-moving in to take care of her cat was in fact permanently moving in, which means that I may or may not needed to move out as well.

Therefore, I live in the Ned Flanders version of Noah’s Ark two of each animal (cat and dog) but both males so there won’t be any hanky-panky. And for an added twist there is an extra cat also male. Not to mention my dog Sydney is somewhat sexually confused. He kept trying to hump my mom’s kitten Chaz and he has for some reason been giving favours to Charley by licking his balls and he likes to chase Ozzy (The new cat and pet of my friend). Both kittens and the cat now avoid him...I wonder why. If this were Bamboozle I could see the news headlines now.

Sexually Confused Shi Tzu – Terrier Ousted From Home For Unsavoury Relations With Cats.

Or

Dog loves cat: Sames sex, different species has friends confused

However, to be more confusing last night my friend changes her mind as she was bullied into staying where she is now by her neighbours, leaving Hev-Lady looking like the bad guy when all she was trying to do was help. Now my mother feels defeated, thinking evil has won, telling me this as her eyes were full of tears. She was and still is truly heartbroken. This friend is like a sister to her. Yes she should have asked me first if it was OK, but her intentions were honourable. How would you feel if a whale of a woman intent on picking a fight shows up whilst you are helping your friend who is ecstatic about the move and accuses you of saying not so nice things behind her back which you never did as your daughter witnessed you several times saying we should not be talking about this person and then proceed to see your friend coerced into changing her mind, distraught in thick sobbing tears.

Then if that wasn’t bad enough the previously mentioned whale’s mother comes over to defend her precious calf and accuses you of causing trouble? The mother whale of all scariness mistook me for Hev-Lady and was attempting to tear into me and was intent on walking in on my mother whilst she was in the bathroom doing personal like business. I tried sending GO AWAY I HATE YOU vibes but I guess they weren’t strong enough to reach four people of the trailer trash variety. Where was Japan or a decent harpoon gun when Hev-Lady and I needed one? By that I mean the power to defend our friend not sent out into the black dark streets in shame, having witnessed a very surreal Jerry Springer moment. (Trust me these people could totally be on that show). Now I am unsure if I am still moving out as Hev-Lady has no roommate and temporarily stuck with her smelly cat, but I am more concerned for my friend and am now left with the shame of feeling resentful while she was temporarily with us. I don’t even know if I will see Erica again. :( I just pray she can make a decision based on what she wants to do not what the other people or my mom wants.

P.S. I am almost done Chapter 6 of Fizzy Lemonade.

Uncomfortable at 25

So apparently being a quarter of a century is important... For my 25th I volunteered at the local food bank. I got some books and some cake. It was pretty low key. I could have gone to Alberta to hang out with Carol but I had very little money for a ticket because procrastination and indecision had caused me to possibly pay for a dastardly bus ticket worth $400. Being poor sucks just as much! I was consumed by indecision on whether I was going to see Carol for my birthday. I lost out in the end, but then again I didn’t.

I am feeling very uncomfortable as of late.

Firstly I am not too sure about being 25! What happened to being 24?

Secondly, a family friend who is special needs is suddenly semi-moving in our house. It’s not my fault she ignored the no pets rule and will be evicted if she doesn’t get rid of her cat. So now our already animal zoo filled house has an extra cat. I wasn’t even consulted I am living in a roommate situation and I would have appreciated it if I was at least asked. This person smells bad on top of that so now, not only does it smell like dog and cat, it also smells like BO. I feel out of control of the situation and it’s irritating. I feel mean for whinging about it on my blog.
Then this person, who is 50, has a BIG crush on the pastor of my church who is 27. She reminds me of myself and my silly girly crushes. (Ugh I apologise to anyone I put through that.) It makes me uncomfortable on so many levels. She has this hopefully joy that something could happen, but the chance of which is slim and she seems to think I like him too. I do but not that way. And even if I did I would hopefully be intelligent and rational enough to figure out that it’s not meant to be. I wish I had this insight for my recent infatuation with Pretty Blue Eyes. I must of and perhaps still do drive my mom and friends to the point of obscurity. I’m not sure how to explain to her that it is kind of inappropriate to say how she has to be friends and not his playmate, etc. It just irks me out and irritates me and I can’t figure out why. Maybe it’s because she is 50? Maybe it’s because she is not very attractive? But that sounds kind of mean. Perhaps it’s a learning experience on some level. So I know how annoying and awkward my behaviours towards others and perhaps inappropriate.

Despite the Bible study groups members assuring me that I am fitting in and they do like me. I still feel like I don’t. It shocked me when one of them said they were my friends. Friends to me especially lately is a pretty heavy concept. I’ve felt alone for so long since I’ve been back to Canada that to think that I found friends is kind of mind boggling. They are not like best friends that I can tell all my secrets too, I don’t trust them quite yet, but I guess they are still the same. I think they accept me as the shy quiet one so they don’t know if I am unhappy with the situation at hand. I am so quiet they don’t notice I am there and I mistakenly took that as they don’t care because they do.

Anyways the point of this entry is to announce that Chapter 5 after 6 – 7 month delay is finally up and ready to read. I am working on Chapter 6...

P.S. I am a ninja!

What to write about? That is the question!

This age old question still haunts me since the day I decided I wanted to be a writer.

What do I want to write about?

It’s usually subconscious but it start as soon as my fingers grace the keyboard of my computer or the pen I am holding begins to scribble the many scrambled thoughts and ideas that cluttered within. Some days, like today I do think to myself now what is it that I want to write?

When I stop and think about it, is when I just write until the idea that I meant to have comes pouring out from the very depths of my soul. For instance I was just randomly free writing and journaling and I suddenly thought how strange some new friends I’ve become acquainted with slowly. I’m not going to say who or where I know them...(anonymity reasons of course) They claim to be Christian but proudly announce how they drink, party, smoke and participate in certain activities which go against the morals you would normally associate with Christianity. So would this in fact make them hypocrites or perhaps contradictory. I’m not judging them or anything I just find it strange. Humanity is strange structures and boxes where suppose to fit into are so engrained in us, that to merely survive some sort of societal structure or label is needed to understand anything in life. Even language! So if you attach the label of Christian (because I definitely think it is one) but the label doesn’t match, then what?

I also think it’s interesting how another Christian friend has this image of God as kindly old man like Santa Claus or Albus Dummbledore and after reading the Old Testament in the Bible particularly in Ezekiel where God kills Ezekiel’s wife as part of a prophecy and proceeded to tell him how he wasn’t allowed to mourn. This is of course added to the other things God demanded of him, which by today’s standards is pretty obscene. It’s because of this her whole image was shattered and she became irate with another group member about it. Boo hoo! God can be mean, yet there is usually a purpose for it.

This reminds me of a conversation I had with Matthew ages ago. He was teasing a fellow Bible study member and I said he was mean and he replied so God is mean.

I don’t get it if God is supposedly perfect then why the temper tantrums which are seemingly imperfect. (I am meandering the line of sacrilege and am imagining God with a lightning bolt to strike me dead for asking the questions I do.) He also created humans? But why? Devoted Christians says it’s part of his plan, but what is his plan exactly?

Me I have no set image of God. He is kind of like this big invisible force everywhere at once. I know he is out there, powerful, temperamental and with a very strange sense of humour. I also don’t blame him for being cranky from time to time either, despite the fact that crankiness is also imperfect.

Gah my brain hurts from thinking too much! Anyways....

P.S. Chaz scratched my fingers up. Ah the joy of kitties.

15 minutes of love solitude or sandwiches?

A question has been brought to me as of late. Almost 2 weeks ago.

I was enjoying my 15 minute break on a Thursday when my friend Matthew called and asked me how I was, ect...I reply along the lines of I am enjoying my 15 minutes of solitude as being around people all day is mentally draining. (Believe me it is!)

Matthew: What if it was a prince and you could only see him 15 minutes a day and he would be completely devoted too you. He would love you like no other, but you could only have him for 15 minutes? And in this time you fulfill any needs you may have...(No need to imply what he means by that :P) And then after the 15 minutes are up he turns into a frog.
Me: Me that would suck! I would want someone like that for more than 15 minutes. What if there was a magic spell to stop the cycle from continuing?
Matthew: No! It doesn't work like that you either have one or the other.
Me: Well then I would choose solitude!
Matthew: OK but he'd bestow his love upon you and only you, etc...
Me: Urgh....Yes I get it!

Of course a week later I change my mind reasoning that if it was true love might as well have it even though its for 15 minutes a day. He said he'd choose solitude because it would impeed on his freedom because he likes being single.

So the next day I added a twist... Matthew hearts Julia Roberts, particualarily when she was Tinkerbell when she was normal sized and wearing the pretty blue dress.

Me: What if you could have princess for 15 minutes a day and it was Julia Roberts. Would you still choose solitude?
Matthew: Absolutely
Me: But its Julia Roberts! And its only 15 minutes a day!
Matthew: Exactly, it would impeed on my freedom because I'd be missing her the rest of the day.

Oh brother! The old cliche comes to mind. A life without love is no life at all. Or how about? Its better to have love then lost to have never loved at all. I hate cliches so I apologise for writing them down. Why would someone choose lonliness? I guess because you can't get hurt and you get to be your own person and what not, but still.

Anyways, I aided Matthew in getting a meatball sandwich from Subway to which he said was just as good as having Julia Roberts for 15 minutes a day. What an interesting contradiction?
So I responded along the same lines...you see I also got a sandwich for my mom but I gave her the wrong half and sent her on her way back home only to find out I got the wrong sandwich. I ended up getting a hold of Hev-Lady and she managed to get the next bus back just to switch them around because my sandwich was just not up to par with her standards. She had a club with cheddar cheese no sauce I had a club with white cheese and honey mustard dressing. She hates dressing perfering it natural. I like dressing enough said. Anways after mom and I sucessfully switched sandwiches (Matthew apparently found the whole ordeal hillarious!) I sent him a message that said.

Me: I finally ate my sandwich it was as good as having Simon Baker (The guy from the Mentalist) for 15 minutes a day....
Matthew: Ha ha!
Me: Of course you are handsomer than Simon I'd rather spend 15 minutes a day with you!
Me thinking: Oh dear God I don't think that was apropriate to send too a church pastor! Hev-Lady agrees...:S
Me: Just kidding by the way! (I was hoping to soften the blow)
Matthew: I wasn't!
Me thinking: Oh God! Aghghghghghghghg!
Me: Wasn't what?
Matthew: Joking! But actually I was!
Me thinking: OK...I can breathe now
Matthew: I agree I am handsomer than Simon.
Me thinking: Conceeded are we?
Me: Indeed! (Because he really is!)

So I wonder dear readers which would you choose?

A: Handsome Princess/Beautiful Princess who will be the epitome of true love

Or...

B: Solitude, lonliness or freedom

Anyways.... If you think this conversation is weird perhaps the one about oranges would be of interest. But that is for another time...In fact I dreamt that Matthew came to help get my mom and I to church with only 9 minutes to till the service started and mom and I had to pay him in oranges and a balecava.

Oh yes I am also happy to announce there are two more members to my family. My mom and I are outnumbered by animals 4 to 1. Two kittens, both cute and orange, both brothers, named Charley and Chaz.

P.S. This entry was written at the library. I couldn't think of anything snarky or cryptic to ummm add.

Weird dreams and a broken heart

I honestly have no idea what to write about…..

Well it appears that my weird dreams have resurfaced, from stress no doubt. 

Let see it involves Wal-Mart, Philis Philmore, making cakes, the Anti- Christ, speaking in tongues, God yelling at me about something, Carol, pretty flowers and Dolly Parton escaping bad guys on an inflatable raft. Told you it was weird.

Perhaps the weirdest part was waiting in a big line up to speak with Jesus in the flesh and then watch him and Carol have an entire conversation in tongues. I honestly had no idea what they were saying, but Carol was very happy. Then He talked to me in which we both spoke in tongues and he said I had to much darkness inside of me and that’s all I remember. Then as Carol and I finish our visit I run into Jesus again, except he looks different and he laments how I have forsaken him because it turns out that the Jesus we were talking to was the Anti-Christ. Then of course I wake up in the dream and God comes to me and talks to me again and so on and so forth. Not supposed to go into details because apparently the conversation is private, but I am allowed to tell my friend Matthew about it for some reason. Hmmmm…I mean I better do what God tells me even if it was a dream because he has this thing for inflicting wrath, especially if you read the Old Testament.  But then again the God in the New Testament seems nicer…

The whole Dolly Parton and cake thing were completely separate dreams. Dolly falls onto raft and says “oh boy lucky there was a raft there to save me.” The bad guy fell into the water, turns out it was sewage and Ms Parton was on a search for flowers for her pretty little home which was built on the water. And then the cake dream I got mad at my stepmother for helping me finish a cake without asking. Meanwhile attending church and thinking the pastor was a joke. To which my older sister was in love with him she asked my brother (not my real life one) “what’s with guys and there mixed messages?” because the pastor had rejected her and broke her entire heart. To which he replied he was responsible to answer that because he wasn’t a guy but really was. Then I had a younger sister who apparently had a thing for hiding under the kitchen table. She was destroying with the aforementioned cake to despite stepmother who was actually quite nice and didn‘t deserve the animosity. Note: I don’t actually have a sister or a stepmother but I do know a pastor. Oh yes and I had red hair and was really tall that part was cool.

I have also decided its maybe it is more then time to let Pretty Blue Eyes go! I got a little obsessed and jumped the gun and put his pretty picture in my Amy locket. I thought maybe it would bring good luck. It did the opposite I was always worried the locket would pop open and he’d see that I had put his picture there. Today I finally removed the picture and what do you know the anxiety went a way. I will save the empty space for someone who feels the same way. THE END! One problem I still entirely like him! Grrrr….

Why is the heart so irrational? When it all started I had notice or detection of time.  It all came to a standstill. It was just me, him and the constant beating of my heart and the subsequent ache that was impressed upon my heart from the pain of unrequited love. Why would anyone want to put themselves through that? It feels so beautiful at first then once the slap in the face and sudden appearance of reality unfolds it hurts like hell. Why should I desire someone or something that I cannot have? Why lust over a moment that I may never share. To love someone who does not love you back is hard. Your brain knows its illogical and nothing may ever come of it. Yet the heart is indifferent. It doesn’t seem to care. To have emotions is part of being human. I see his cute crooked grin and it all unwinds from there. Once again I am picking at the scab. It’s almost healed but not quite. I know everyone says there is other fish in the sea, but he seems to be the only one I see. I think someone needs to hand me a fishing rod.

P.S. It is ummmm raining!

I've Bean whinging again!

Well I successfully have a nice shinny new mobile Internet Rocket Stick from Rogers it even matches my pretty red computer. To bad it only works if I am downtown or perhaps half way down the street! There be no reception out here. I tried meandering aimlessly around my house trying to pick up a least a bar of service but NOTHING! I even tried threatening said Rogers Mobile Rocket Stick by pretending to eat it. I had a bar for two seconds and when I tried to connect it failed miserably. What a waste of money and I am potentially stuck with it for two years! Gah! So obviously this entry strangely enough is being published by way of my shinny new computer as well as painstakingly typed on it. I hate it too the keyboard is all different and I can’t seem to type on it properly. I miss femputer she new how to work properly for me. She is now six feet under dead. What a stupid idea leasing a brand new computer! The fellow dedicated readers (who never respond anymore I might add) can thank Hev-Lady for it is the use of her computer that you are able to read about my ranting and ravings about the inability to use my new fancy wireless internet stick. I am sounding like a pregnant old lady woman whinging about new technology and how terribly horrible it is.

So seeing that my mobile Internet stick hates Copper Mountain, I have decided to go with the plan of bringing my computer downtown where I can use it at my leisure. If you can’t beat them, join them. I am currently at the community garden with Hev-Lady where she is currently picking beans. Monster beans! Then there are her gigantic zucchinis and numerous onions, tomatoes and marigolds. Her garden plot is like a mosaic amongst the perfectly ordered and designed gardens neighbouring it.

Surrounded by plants and the wind is relaxing. It’s when I am in places like this that I become very reflective. For starters why do I even bother trying to be friends with some people. They are either too stuck up, cliquey or too plain serious to even understand me. If they think feigning interest in me is going to get them brownie points with God, they forget that I am smart enough to know they are just being nice because they think they have too or want to appear to be nice moral do-gooders. I don’t want sympathy friends. I want real friends. I am just fed up! I go through all this trouble at work to change my availability at work and then they decided that Wednesdays don’t work for them it has to be Thursdays now. And then they are like it oh the only person it doesn’t work for is Melissa. It shouldn’t be a problem to change it at work. Uh yes it will be. I really don’t think my front end manager is going to appreciate me constantly changing my availability when perhaps a month or two down the road they decide that perhaps Tuesday or Friday is better for them. I understand it had to be changed because one new member who only started coming three times now has choir and another one has other responsibilities, but I’ve come to nearly every study since the beginning. Not to mention if another member can’t make it, its call cancelled just for them, but if I can’t make it too bad so sad. It’s not fair. Some members can even bring their little kids along to disrupt everything. But its oh so cute to have a little kid banging on the windows and whacking you with beaded necklaces and other random objects. Thank you very much. Great now I sound like I am entirely selfish. I should just speak up and tell them how annoyed I am with them. Instead of being passive aggressive and ignoring everyone after the study is finished and either withdrawal completely or read a book. I should study the Bible on my own from now on. Or maybe make my own Bible study with Erica who wants to learn too. I’m sick of being in the background. I don’t want to be a beta female anymore. I really should just tell people how frustrated I am instead of whinging on my blog for the whole world to see.

I wish I would stop worrying what people think. In between writing this I frequently bitched to poor Hev-Lady who is often the victim of my ramblings. I’m pretty sure she figuratively wishes to slap me to snap me back to reality instead of spiralling into darkness of irritability, self doubt and frustration.

I am also sick of Pretty Blue Eyes and his mixed messages. Enough said. I am also sick of the moronic girls going all googly eyed and gooey over him, but that’s just he jealousy speaking. Sam-Lady says I should just tell Pretty Blue Eyes to his face that I like him instead of some letter. I think its entirely redundant seeing as he already made it clear friendship is all he can offer at this time. “At this time.” I wish I could forget those three words and stop analysing and wondering what they meant. It would have been so much easier if it was a rejection to slam the entire door in my face instead of just a gentle let down. Breaking my heart was already inevitable, would have made more sense to me if he was just clear about it instead of softening the blow.

P.S. Where oh where has Joan gone?

The I almost missed the dog on bus!

OK so I finally got my new Dell computer delivered courtesy of Purolator. Yay! It is beautiful all shiny and red. It will take some getting used too as it is a new computer. It runs so much better then my old one circa 2002 which I have been reminded constantly that it is ancient in computer years. By the time the financing for this computer is done it will be past it expiry date too! I promise to take good care of it. I really do. My writing seems so foreign on the new one though. Not to mention it won’t let me modify any old Microsoft Word documents because it says they are locked so I am forced to use Microsoft Works which I think is the same thing.

So I almost missed the bus this morning. I was on my way to meet Erica for coffee, but the stupid dogs would not go outside for me. They just stared at me blankly with a look of pure guilt. It took at least 10 minutes...
Me: Come on boys, outside. (Meanwhile it s 20 past 10 and the bus comes in four minutes.)
Dogs: (Stare blankly at me) You want us to what?
Me: Come on boys outside.
Dogs: No understand human language
Me: Come on boys outside. I will give you treats. (I am starting to get into a panic about missing the bus.)
Dogs: Don't you dare try to bribe us! (Sydney hides under the chair in the living room and Weiser decides to wait paitently by the front door thinking perhaps I will take them for a walk instead.)
Weiser: I'm ready!
Sydney: If I hide well enough perhaps you won't leave me! DON'T LEAVE ME MELISSA!
Me: (Runs back to room and grabs a gourmet dog treat and then nearly breaks tooth trying to break it in half and attempts to give one to dogs.)
Dogs: (Both Feign interest)
Sydney: Oh sure give me the smaller half. I am not moving!
Weiser: (Sniffs) Whats this?
Me: Gets fed up grabs Sydney and places him under my arm like a football then proceeds to grab Weiser by his collar and force them outside. I shove Weiser and lightly toss Sydney. He makes a light plunk on the wooden deck.
Dogs: (Run back in! Sydney runs and hides under the chair. Weiser stops and looks at me waging his little stubby tale.)
Me: (Ready to pull hair out.)
Dogs: We are not going outside therefore you're staying.
Me: (Panics) I am going to miss the entire bus! (Now for round two! I successfully get them outside.)
Dogs: Give me a despondent look of pure abandonment.
Me: (Runs and just barely makes the bus.)

This just proves dogs are smarter then they let on...

I should be in bed but I really wanted to write something before I went to bed. I'll have a more thought provoking entry soon I promise!

P.S. I really hope I get to see Carol in September!

Internal Awkwardness

I was pondering on something my friend told me the other day. How I am not making anyone feel awkward only myself. It's true perhaps thats why people don't know how to respond to me because I give off I am awkward and standoffish vibe and I really don't intend too.

I am slowly making new friends but the Christian youth I have met up with on several occasions are nice to me, they don't seem to hate talking to me, but they don't get me and I wonder if its because I make really strange jokes or say little Melissaisms they don't quite understand yet. It's like I am standing in front of a thick glass wall. I can see them and they can see me but no matter how hard I try to break it down it either vibrates or merely cracks and splinters. It never shatters I am not able to cross over and show them the real me and I am not sure if its because I think they don't want me to show them yet so therefore I wont because I am making myself feel this way and because of it they haven't gotten to know me. Matthew gets me I've found a large enough crack in the glass wall to connect to him, and then there is the odd friend at work but thats about it. My close friends worth holding on too are far away. I still pine for all of them.

Some who really know me know that I tend to make rather sarcastic or strange whimsical comments. I think I make it pretty obvious that I am not serious. My church friends Elizabeth and Heather (Not Hev-Lady) take me seriously and when I say I was only joking they still don't believe me! It's entirely frustrating. For instance we were out fishing with Matthew well keeping him company whilst he attempted to catch fish but sadly failed. He said we'd be back at my house by 8:30 a.m. There was a 5 am wake up call and Hev-Lady was deeply concerned that I was invited out to come fishing when I was suppose to be helping with moving. In fact she was pretty irate about it because I didn't ask her if I could go I TOLD her I was going and I made the effort to give her a time frame so she knew that I would uphold my responsibilities to help. However, it was at least 9 am and I wasn't concerned as I was enjoying myself.

Me: I am going to make Matthew apologize to my mom for bringing me home late.
Elizabeth: What! That is so mean. That's so terrible!
Heather: (Scowls at me)
Me: I was joking...:P

I digress this has happened on more then one occasion. Then there is the voice in my head that says Hev-Lady doesn't want me to have friends and some of her behaviours would confirm it. When Carol was visiting in February she was mean as and she gets all cranky or asks to come along when my new friends when they go to the lake and so on and so forth. I think some of the youth don't know how to deal with me because my mom tends to stick to me like glue and I do enjoy her company. She can be a pretty fun lady to spend time with but I want to have a social life separate from her and I don't think she understands that.
So anyways I think all of this awkwardness and thinking that I am not being able to have friends or that I am not worthy of them is entirely internal yet I try to find an external source when none exists. Perhaps it comes down to self confidence.

P.S. I hate working the express lane!

My study of the Bible

Again my computer time may not come around again. I am borrowing moms new computer whilst she sleeps. Don't worry I asked permission. :P

I don't want to mock the Bible, but I have been thinking about it a lot recently having going back to church and slowly getting in touch with my faith and such.

So I went to Bible study and we've been learning about the Old Testament prophet Ezekiel. It's weird I am finding theology interesting in the context that it was written in a different culture with a completely different understanding of the world and now the culture I am part of now is entirely different. Its fascinating how some of the moral's back then have transcended to my generation, yet they are fragmented and are being questioned. So if it was written thousands of years ago would it could it not be up for interpretation and maybe with all the different translations of the Bible seeing as part was written in Hebrew and Greek human error could come into play, language barriers could arise. If one has tried to translate on Babel Fish on the Internet you'd find that the words don't match up and it doesn't make any sense. So if one has to translate a book a holy book for that matter one has to rearrange it in a way that does and hopes that it stays true to God and the authors intent.

To think if I was alive hundreds of years go I'd be a heretic. Now its just frowned upon because I guess I am not supposed to be questioning this kind of stuff....but I still find it fascinating. I believe it happened. There is archaeological proof! I have issues with the patriarchal stuff and perhaps the suppression of human desires which I think is entirely natural. Like I said previously I am way to open minded to be a full on Christian. I believe, yet I am an unbeliever I have faith but I lack faith at the same time. My constant desire to find the absolute truth or proof hinders my spiritual growth. To me to have blind faith is scary. Sometimes you have to see to believe or at least feel it. I don't understand why God would want mindless idiots wouldn't he want his people to think outside the box. Mind you I had a dream where I questioned God and he got pretty pissed off! So maybe not. Why can't I believe in God and still question the world he apparently made? In six days no less! I really find that hard to believe. I am not a creationist nor an evolutionist, but I tend to understand it better if I combine the two together. Perhaps one day for use is thousands of years for God or perhaps the days were metaphorical for geological ages? To me its like writing the story. What is mere moments for a character is forever for the author because sometimes it takes days just to write one scene or at least think of one. Perhaps life is just one big story? But back to my original ramblings...

I'll be even more sacrilegious and say that I find the book of Genesis amusing. It gave me the silly Melissa giggles. Hence it gave me a story idea, but you'll have to read Fizzy Lemonade or its sequel to see what it is. :P For instance it says God created such and such and he saw that it was good and this concludes such and such a day of creation. God saw that this was good, etc. Then the chapters concerning heritage prior to the flood it starts with at 100 plus years this man bore a son and he then lived 800 – 900 hundred years and he dies. Then it keeps repeating for about 10 or more verses of this. Basically they have a son, they have a life span that exceeds our own and then they die. Ah but then prior to the flood again God feels that humans are so wicked (which broke his heart) that having such a long life span would reek havoc on his earth therefore he decided that there life spans would not exceed 120. If you think about it who now has lived that long? I feel bad because I thought I was entertained by the way it is written or maybe just the translation I am reading. (I have the New Living Word. It feels strange seeing as I have only previously known King James version) It was funny or maybe because I thought of a way to use my amusement for creativity, because in a way authors are like gods because they omnipresent and omniscient throughout the entire story. An author is everywhere at once and knows every thought and habit concerning the characters and the environment they live in more then the reader will ever know because a lot of the background could and would not fit in the story itself. And it seems like the characters have wills of there own and even though the author created them they really have no control, yet they do at the same time. They are like your children and you love them and you want them to love you too. I seriously think about stuff way too much.

P.S. Pretty Blue Eyes and poker are an interesting combination.

The ten minute entry concerning canned potatoes

I only am allowed 14 minutes on this computer because I was unable to locate or make anyone vacate the 60 minute computers at the library. Rah. Therefore I shall make a quick entry.

Lalalalallalalalalala

I wrote an entry.

The end.

Just kidding lets see if we can spout a small story in less than 12 minutes. How about the dilemma of the canned potatoes.

Matthew a.k.a. The pastinator. (He is a pastor with super strength :P Perhaps it was because he lifed 3 -4 heavy boxes at once.) helped Hev-Lady and I move in other words he did the bulk of the work with his friend Jesse who only came to visit Matthew and therefore spent quality fishing time moving my mom and I. Apparently the one thing he was amazed and fascinated to no ends is my moms cornucopia of canned goods particularly the potatoes. He kept paying my mom and I out for it. So I told my mom and she gave him a jar. He still hasn't eaten it. I've been texting him constantly reminding him of his duty to try them, yet he says he hasn't gotten the courage to do so or he is waiting for the right moment.....Hmmmmmmm......Perhaps he should stick to the sweet pickles mom gave him instead?

And something that is still troubling me is my moms sudden interest in writing she is now using my excuse how she was tired because she stayed up writing. Gah! She started journaling every night because she notices how I write every night and I say how important it is too me. It's bad enough to copy my hobby but to start using my writing practices...Grrrrr.....

P.S. I wrote an entry. AND I get to see Pretty Blue Eyes in an hour. :P I have four minutes left on this computer....

The mixed message birthday party full of dog flakes

I don't know when I will get the use of the computer again so....I shall write an entry.
So Pretty Blue Eyes is still sending the mixed messages....

Whilst at my special needs friends Erica's birthday party, (which I had to ride my moms monsterly out of shape rusted piece of shit bike to church to invite people that don't even know her and are assumed to want to come by Hev-Lady. ) He randomly asks my mom if she has a picture of when she was young and when asked he responded by saying he was only curious. What the?

So I asked him later by way of texting...
Me: Why did you want to see a picture of my mom when she was younger?
Pretty Blue Eyes: Just curious.
Me: Yes but why?
Pretty Blue Eyes: Dang it can't a guy be curious?
Me: No never!

Ulterior motives perhaps! A friend said it was a good thing because he wants to see what I look like when I am older like my mom to see if its worth it. Ummm it doesn't make sense but it is weird none the less, either that or Pretty Blue Eyes has the hots for my mom which would be entirely disturbing on so many levels. It seemed like everyone at the party had the hots for him! Especially Erica she candidly told me how she wants him to be her sweetie but apparently he is taken by me. Not quite yet! I am just content for now to be his friend because now I am getting to see how annoying and arrogant he is too! A pretty blue blessing in disguise. I wish I could stop focusing all my attention on him, but I am knew to this whole thing.

Then previously my friend Matthew was making fun of my moms poor handsome dog Weiser. (Had to say he was handsome) Just because he has a skin condition and really bad dandruff. It doesn't help that Weiser is very old and very black so the dandruff is noticeable.

Matthew: Urgh the dog has dandruff a hahahahahahha! Look at him scratch...something something something....blahbedy blah (Something along those lines)
Me: Stop making fun of my mom's dog. (I go to sit on chair Weiser had previously stolen something of a theme with him that night)
Matthew: Ha look there is his flakes all over the chair.
Me: (Brush them off)Its not his fault.
Matthew: (continues laughing) Fish food.
Me: You're fish food
Matthew: I am sure its highly nutritious.
Me: His flakes? Yes I can see it now lifting him up and shaking my moms dog over a fish tank to feed them.
Matthew: (Laughs) That could work.
Me: Hmph LEAVE MY MOM'S DOG ALONE!

Then before that...seems like this entry goes further and further back in time. :P
Matthew: (Wandering around my backyard.) Looks at raspberry bush and takes berry off and eats it.
Me: Don't let my mom see you do that! (
Me thinking: Ever heard of asking?!
Matthew: It's not like there is a plentiful supply of them.
Me: That's because my mom picked most of them the day before to make her diabetic raspberry jam.
Matthew: (reacts with mild uncaring) So!
Me: Your lucky I won't tell on you. (P.S. I did just to be a dink)
Me thinking: Gosh I sounded so childish!

So I guess its safe to say Matthew is a source of interesting hilarity, odd moments and memorable conversations. He reminds me of a surrogate version of Amy and Chris combined. Breathtakingly beautiful, yet even more beautiful and joyous in the inside and really cute with eyes full of intellect and knowledge combined with very strange sense of humour and child like nature like Chris. He is my Canadian replacement of the A.E.S.M.

Then even more before that...

Sydney was a dink and told pretty much every guest off! Then Hev-Lady took it upon herself to discipline him for it and when I said it was my job I was apparently embarrassing her in front of the customers. Yes thats right customers.

Sydney: Grrrrr!!! Barkety bark bark bark...(Perhaps translated to something like I don't know you therefore go away I hate you?)
Mom: Sydney you bad boy. (Gives him a smack)
Me thinking: GRRRRRR!!!!!
Me: Mom Sydney is my dog I would like to be the one to discipline him!
Mom: How dare you embarrass me in front of the customers!
Me: Uhhhh??? I was going to take him for a time out.
Mom: I meant to say customers...I mean guests. I have no idea why I want to call them customers.
Me: OK. (sulks and takes Sydney to my room for time out)
Mom: You're mad at me aren't you?
Me: No! (OK I obviously am.)He just needs to suss them out to see if there OK. I was going to calm my dog down and so on and so forth.
Mom: I am sorry that I disciplined Sydney in front of the customers. I know that your mad at me for it.
Me: I am not mad at you!
Then of course pretty much for the next 2 hours.
Mom: You're mad at me!
Or....
Mom: I wish Melissa wasn't mad at me.
Mom: You're still mad at me aren't you?
Mom: It's not nice to be mad at me in front of the customers.
How about...
Mom: Melissa is mad at me about disciplining Sydney
Then of course...
Mom: Melissa are you mad at me?

Hence to say I was more mad at Hev-Lady bringing up how mad I am every five minutes. I may have momentarily embarrassed her in front of everyone concerning my dog, but seriously she lied on the guilt all night! The only amusing thing was her constant reference to our odd assortment of guests as customers. Not to mention I was mad at myself for the obsessing over Pretty Blue Eyes. It's like every little thing he does I overtly analyze to the point of insanity. I was also mad at Hev-Lady for pretty much acting like she was some matronly saint for hosting a party for Erica and I couldn't even go and talk to people in a separate room from her she clings to me like fly paper. So I guess I was mad at her. I was just to stubborn to admit it.

Anyways, Erica's birthday was successful considering our location, people showed up enough said. We had some eats there was burgers minus the barbeque. (Good thing my mom had a George Forman Grill.) t also is especially nice I went through massive amounts of trouble to get Matthew precious mayonnaise from the back of the entire fridge. THE ENTIRE FRIDGE! I got beaned in the head by a can of no name brand cola. The chips were good too, but most importantly Erica was glowing and to me that was priceless. This paragraph was a entirely random and scatterbrained. The beauty of stream of consciousness.

Then of course the whole writing thing is still bothering me....

P.S. My mom's dog Weiser is currently trapped on the table. It gives me the silly Melissa giggles. Ah yes and sadly there be no banana bread at Erica's party. :(

Copying my passion

Well its a beautiful Saturday. I don't have to work mwhahahahhahaa and I have a big bag of pickles Hev-Lady has bestowed upon me for safe keeping. I am currently in the library as my femputer has died AND Hev-Lady has a new computer of all beautifulness which she'll only let me use when she is in bed or out gardening, so basically never. Besides it has stinky dial up. Blah!
I went to my first every farmers market which was rather interesting. I bought homemade dog treats and a special present for a friend. Tomorrow is Erica's birthday and I am super excited. We're having a Hawaiian theme, and cake, hopefully banana bread...I'll write about that one in a minute. :P

There has been some rather interesting conversations since the big move in July. So I shall share.

Matthew: I was slaying all these fish in and they were hogs blahbedy blah etc, etc
Mary Beth: You didn't really catch all those fish did you.
Matthew: No....I just thought it would be fun to tell everyone.
Me: Proverbs 12:22! God detests lying lips but rejoices in those who tell the truth.
Mary Beth: Oooooh you've been told.
Matthew: (Gives me a look.) Is there a Proverbs for sarcasm?
Me: Hmmmm....I'll have to look.

Note to self using the Bible to to show up a pastor isn't exactly a good idea.

Then a few days later.... After noticing a rather voluptuous scrumptious looking zucchini mom rescued from the garden whilst waiting for the bus. Which for some reason reminding me of zucchini bread and therefore the pile of frozen bananas in the freezer, which caused me to consider the tasty implications of banana bread. I went on a rather strange tangent.

Me: Can you make banana bread. I heart banana bread.
Mom: Yes of course.
Me: I want banana bread for my birthday.
Erica: I want bread for my birthday too.
Mom: (smirks)
Me: I bet Matthew wants banana bread for his birthday too, which coincidentally is also my birthday. He hasn't really asked by I said he did because I want banana bread.
Mom: Uh huh is that so?
Me: I want banana bread.
Erica: BANANA BREAD?!
Mom: ....
Me: Did I mention I am going to tell Matthew to tell you he wants banana bread for his birthday because I want banana bread for mine? BANANA BREAD!

I recently went to a four day writers camp here in it was awesome fun but I was pretty much one of the only young people and I was surrounded by the older generations and coincidentally well seasoned writers of all awesomeness and my mom too. I was really annoyed that she was coming because I always figured writing was my passion and it seems when ever I have an idea to do something I like she copies me. I always take a good book with me: Mom starts taking a book with her. I like photography: Mom likes it too (to be fair she started digital photography before I started liking it or so she says) Those are just some of the examples. Anyways writers camp interesting and it got me to explore other avenues of writing and ways of thinking about words. Mom said she felt out of place because everyone was so imaginative and she felt like a fraud because everyone had pens and notebooks with them and they all had stories about there journey in writing. Maybe its because your NOT a writer Hev-Lady. She is not bad at the writing itself but she tells rather then shows and if she took it seriously she'd be carrying around a tattered old notebook and writing down ideas, eat sleep and breath writing. Her writing is elegant yet childish amateur yet well polished grammar wise. She doesn't convey emotions or have that passion or the command over words like my friends that make you say. Wow! I can feel your voice and your soul through these very words. So I guess because I got jealous of her for intruding into my passion I made the mistake of saying “I'm the writer!” quite angrily. (She reckons I was listening to McLies.) Then of course I mentioned how she copies my hobbies. I was angry. She said I was selfish and mean and if I was going to be like that she'd kick me out. Of course she relented 5 minutes later as always.

So now I have to put up with her new found writing phase and wait till she drops it like everything else. She said she only came to the writers camp so she could write about Tony and get over her writing being invaded by Sue-Woman. (Sue-Woman apparently read her journal and it scared her writing journey.) She makes everything about Tony and her. So to make it about them, something that I truly cherish sickens me. It was the one thing I had that wasn't about either of them and now I feel like its been taken from me, but she doesn't understand. She never will. She'll really kick me out now if she ever reads what I have written in this blog. I just wish she'd get her own identity and stop trying to copy mine and live vicariously through my achievements. I know this sounds selfish because it is enough said.

P.S. They had banana bread at the writers camp.

Move along and prosper

This is a random conversation between my friends Matthew, Elizabeth and I after leaving the lake yesterday. It was awesome fun.

Me: I keep dreaming you’re a star ship captain
Matthew: Who Elizabeth?
Me: No you
Matthew: Nice
Me: Yes in one dream we were on this space station and we ran out of oxygen.
Matthew: We’re all doomed. Screw evacuating everyone I am out here.
Me: That’s not nice.
Matthew: So I am the captain.
Me: I think you’d make a good star ship captain.
Matthew: Thank you.
Me: I have always wanted a Star Trek themed birthday party. I want to be Spock, except I can’t because I am a girl. (Sue me I am an entire nerd.)
Elizabeth: I want to marry Spock and have his babies.
Me: Which Spock Lenard Nemoy Spock or Zachary Quinto Spock?
Elizabeth: Doesn’t matter.
Matthew: Lenard Nemoy is pretty hot.
Me: Yes he was the best Spock ever!
Matthew: Yes but he is getting pretty shrivelled now.

I shall call this moving week…

Tis Day 3 of 5.

I am supposed to be cleaning but Hev-Lady is taking a short nap. I don’t blame her the heat can take a toll on Neptunians…I mean humans. I momentarily confused characters with real people as I often do when my brain is entirely scatterbrained. Perhaps it would be easier to say that I was procrastinating as usual. So there is an entire heat wave going on right now. AN ENTIRE HEAT WAVE! And guess what mom (Hev-Lady) and I have been stuck inside packing. I feel like I am seriously melting into oblivion. It’s so hot I put a freezey on the counter, forgot about it and 5 minutes later it was melted. It almost reminds me of Australia. Now people will use the “oh you should know what this heat is like you were in a very tropical part of a country that had very hot summers…” Therefore I will not remind people of the day when it was 45 C and I was drenched in my own sweet. It was gross. I wonder if any of my Aussie friends would find this heat bad.

Anyways it’s nice to right something random and scrambled for once. So far I have been stuck in the kitchen cleaning dishes and counters, fun, fun, fun. I would rather be sitting by a fan reading a good book suffering from mental stress rather than physical, swimming with my friends and cooling off. I can’t wait till we finally move. I am also proud to say this has been a positive move to date as far as moving goes. We’ve had a head start and made sure we organized about 90 per cent of everything, which helps. Usually Hev-Lady (may she not read this and smack me silly) would be entirely crabby. Like GO AWAY I HATE YOU unless you do what I say scary or your being lazy and not doing anything. Not to mention Tony (Zack-Man) would be entirely flustered because he finds change hard to cope with. I guess we haven’t had to worry because Tony isn’t being stressed out by it; he is still coping from the big change that happened six months ago, going into care and all. The crabby dogs have replaced him. Sydney just sat there and barked at me for no particular reason then to be an ass and announce hot pissed off he is with the weather too. At least I think that’s what the voluntary spasms of dog language alerting me to. I’ve been giving him tepid baths to cool him down, but he is scared of baths because of my brother tried to give him a bath and dosed in hot water I’d be scared too, at least Sydney has avoided the microwave unlike a certain cat that I never met but was told about.

I should get back to work. I should move along and prosper….I mean live long and prosper… its ummm hot.

P.S. Budweiser beer is apparently for dirty old men.

My Spiritual Conundrums

Procrastination is a common thing in my life. While attending uni and college I used to wait till the last minute to finish assignments. And now that I am moving I am procrastinating at packing. Moving really isn’t so bad once it’s over, its just the hard work beforehand. I am also procrastinating spiritually.

Anyways, this may come as a shock to everyone, but I’ve decided to get baptised. I am going to become a Baptist. Never thought that would happen! It’s scary because I always was dead set on rejecting it and now I am OK with it. I mean I still have my issues with religion and all but I feel like I am working them out.

Although technically I am supposedly a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Later Day Saints (Mormons). I am what they would call an inactive member. When I went to Alberta for that brief time Sue-Woman and my aunty who I will call Mel-Lady made me go to church. When I said I wasn’t interested or not ready for the whole church scene my aunty replied with the “oh that’s just the adversary.” (Adversary means Satan) It sounded so weird and deluded to me, like it does some times when my mom says “the devil is testing her.” Sometimes my families God talk irked me out, not because I don’t believe because I have said repeatedly I do. I think it’s just the idea of committing to faith? Or maybe I am still to sceptical to believe that its all up to one super being, I am still struggling with unbelief to a point.

I think of when I was 13 and the first time I was baptised by the Mormon Church, prior to this a few years earlier I wanted to be a Seventh Day Adventist and was starting baptismal classes. I was 8! I never truly believed in Mormonism. It left me with more questions then answers. I remember when the missionaries who talked to me shocked because I joked that I didn’t care which kingdom I wanted to go too, as all good Mormons want to go to the Celestial Kingdom. They never even asked me if I wanted to get baptised they figured because I was taking part in there talks and lessons that I wanted to be. This moment is significant but not significant to remember the date all I remember is it was April. I liked going to church to interact with people outside of home other than my mom and I was going through a really rough time. They took advantage of that to convert me! Not to mention I was pressured by Sue-Woman and my Aunt Mel-Lady to join. I knew the moment I stood outside that baptismal tank that it was wrong! My aunty was with me during my sudden hesitation and she did what any good Christian Mormon would do she said a prayer to try and calm me and told me it was just the adversary, (which seems to be her answer to a lot of things wrong.) I thought back to the baptism I went too earlier to see what they were like and the eight year old girl was in tears. Eight is the age children with in the church are baptised. It kind of scared me. I felt so uncomfortable before and after. I knew all the facts about the religion but I knew I didn’t care especially, when the missionaries asked me which Kingdom I wanted to go too and I said jokingly “doesn’t matter.

Then before the baptism I was interviewed by a different missionary as it is customary before being baptised. In which I was asked several inappropriate questions that a 13 year old would have no idea about.

Such as:
Have you ever had sex?

Have you had sex with a woman?

Have you ever murdered anyone?

And those are just the ones I remember. The question regarding sex scared the crap out of me. I felt so uncomfortable the entire time and apparently if I said yes to any of those questions if I repented of them then they would be washed away after the baptism, etc…I thought I was going to go to outer darkness because my mom thought I was a lesbian. I wrote an entry on this ages ago…

I told my moms friend about this, who coincidentally thought Mormonism is a cult. She told Hev-Lady and she was pissed! She almost decided not to give her consent. I wish she had said no to them and stood up for me when I was too scared to do it myself. Unfortunately Sue-Woman’s influence was still as strong back then and well Mel-Lady is just her plus one who does everything she tells her.

Months later I stopped going I wonder why? Yet I never stopped believing in God. I think I was always searching spiritually. I hope I have made the right decision now.

P.S. From now on anything that goes wrong is Pretty Blue Eyes fault. :P It makes me feel better.

A bowl full of lies

Well I just successfully made an ass out of myself. You think I would learn to stay away from sitting on the fence and seeing both sides after the disaster that was Sam-Lady vs. Rat-Woman.

This time it is Hev-Lady vs. McLies. McLies wants to be my friend, she used to be friends with my mom, they had big scary fight and I knew for a fact they were BOTH responsible. Hev-Lady thinks McLies is a pathological liar, a charming one scarily enough. McLies thinks my mom is full of bull shit, but she sweetens it out by saying how she has such awesome points and blabedy blah. I made a mistake and decided to visit McLies after work for a couple of nights to see if I could decipher though the crap. Hev-Lady finds out and it really pissed her off, as in throwing a temper tantrum and treating me like dirt. I’ve officially impaled myself once again. I wasn’t going to tell her, but she pushed it out of me.

I just wanted to know the truth. I wanted to know if there is anything true to what she has to say about my mother, the scary fact it 2 percent is true the rest is all tall tales of all obscurity. It takes a bull shitter, a sceptic or a clever story teller to see that. I feel like I am caught up in this sick twisted game and McLies is trying to use me to get back at my mom because she won’t be friends anymore. She is handing me a bowl full of awful lies and she expects me to take a spoon and eat it all up, even if they are hard as nails and full of poison.

Hev-Lady is a control freak who makes sure everything is about her and insists they all feel sorry for her. Pray tell I don’t get my head bitten off if she ever comes across this.
Except in this case I’m pretty sure it’s not so hard to choose sides. I’ve known my mother longer than McLies and I have NEVER known Hev-Lady to lie to me. She may tell me in a way that she wants it to be heard but I know it’s not a lie. I think it’s pretty obvious that a friendship with McLies is not possible, it just gets me into to trouble and I feel all twofaced and icky inside. Then again if one gets all defensive does that not denote something as well? The thing is I think I went to visit and make friendly times with McLies to be spiteful and passive aggressive towards Hev-Lady because she is seriously frustrating the hell out of me now and subconsciously this is the only way I knew how. THE END! But I am too faced because I tell Hev-Lady that didn’t do it for those reasons. I fell like a terrible horrible and fear that once Pretty Blue Eyes and all my friends old and new find out, I’ll lose them forever. I wish I could just go hide under the big black rock I used six months ago. It was safe there.

I just want to know why I am so stupid and keep making the same mistakes over and over again.

P.S. McLies would make a good foe for Hev-Lady in the sequel to Song of the Superheroes :P Sadly McLies doesn’t deserve a character in her honour. Only my real friends do.

Rambling once again

Have you ever been in a group of people yet feel so alone? I feel like they like me and they want to get to know me, but I am too scared to let them and I really don’t want too for some reason. I feel like I am standing next to this thick pane of glass and no matter how hard I try I can’t seem to break through it. I feel like I am having an out of body experience. I don’t feel like Melissa at all. I feel this insecure shy, unconfident woman unsure of what to do and how to act, a social retard. I don’t want to be ignored, yet I allow it to happen. I keep beating my head against the glass.

I’ve recently began attempting to meet more people and make friends, which I think is rather successful, the meeting people part anyways. I just don’t feel like I am meeting people that I want lasting relationships with yet. I’m still new girl. I want to show people the real me, but I am scared. I tried to talk to a person I think is a friend about the story I am working on, but I was out of my element, shy and quiet and he didn’t hear me, he just walked by because he didn’t hear me. It hurt because I finally make a feeble attempt to share a part of myself and it backfires. Coincidentally he also happened to be Pretty Blue Eyes. I felt so let down. Like I shouldn’t even bother to be his friend I am so tempted to be passive aggressive and tell him I don’t think I should be his friend because I WANT to be his friend not his invisible friend, he makes small talk too and tries to be friendly and invite you places. If I knew this was the consequences of my actions, I never would have told him that I liked him. Rah! But if he didn’t like me that way why does his whole face light up when he sees me? Why does he gaze at me when he thinks I am not looking?

Urgh and the only person who seems to understand what I am thinking concerning romantical woes and or this issue of expressing myself a city bus driver Banana Man and my mother. How weird is that? Then I am constantly worried as my mom listens to my ramblings that I am annoying her with my constant over analysing of my every move, Pretty Blue Eyes and life in general. She keeps saying I don’t know what to say, but I try to tell her you don’t have to say anything, you just need to listen. That’s it. I don’t have anyone that I feel I can successfully ramble too and they can successfully ramble back to the point that we have this equilibrium of listening and rambling. I just want to spout frustrations and knowing they understand what is bothering me. I don’t want advice, I don’t want comments on it. I certainly don’t want them to use my secrets against me. I just want someone to listen. And if my services are needed I will do the same. I’ve only found at least two people like that, unfortunately for me one lives in Alberta and another lives in Australia. My ranting and raving is heard, but debated too and that frustrates the hell out of me.

P.S. Creationism vs. evolution, tis a tricky debate, I want to devote a whole entire entry to it. :P

I believe in God part 2: Christianity vs. an open mind.

I was thinking back to an earlier post about my beliefs in God. I still feel the religious confusion, but my ideas about going to church have changed. I realised it when I went to church without my mom. Oh shocker I now attend church so sue me. Mom bugged me for months and months on end. I find it a place to share my spiritual views and ideas about God with other people. To see other humans for that matter to immerse myself into the community rather then pine for the life I left behind in Australia. I still miss it, but I finally feel like I am moving forward. However, I still cling to my sceptical nature and open minded views. Sadly I think this is an issue.

Especially when I want to punch a fellow church member in the face when he mimics and mocks homosexuality. His whole view was the stereotypical ignorant one, you know the falsetto voice, the overtly feminine hand gestures and so on and so for. It disgusted me, but of course he backed it up with his oh it’s not my place to judge. So I told him one of my best friends is gay and he doesn’t act like that at all. You think I would learn from this not to bring it up again. I could tell he didn’t believe me.

Then later in the day I was invited out to lunch, with McLies, her family, old pastor and his wife, the ministry coordinator and her family and the new handsome pastor. I was an instigator and brought up homosexuality two more times. Once at the dinner table when I brought up a quote from a gay guy getting married and telling his dad how the road to hell was paved in bacon. I was ready for a debate on how the Bible only mentions male homosexuality and not lesbians because it’s patriarchal and so on and so forth, maybe even mention how gender and sexuality are purely social constructs mostly based on religious views, but I probably would have had to leave the house in shame and walk home (a good 10 kilometres or so.)

Then I unwitting said how Amy thought the intern pastor was gay because the way I described him was too good to be true, as most guys his age are dinkleheads. I was really itching to bring it up with him too because he IS too good to be true. He is the nicest guy I ever met. The whole group erupted into laughter. Then I added he is taken by God and I forgot to add the part where my friend Carol said all the good ones are taken or gay. I was implying he was taken. Of course the ministry coordinator said if he was gay he would NOT in no circumstances be preaching or holding any position in the church, he could attend but that’s it. I got the impression homosexuality was NOT a topic to bring up with church people. I smoothed it over by saying the intern pastor was pretty manly so he didn’t have to worry. I felt bad because I think I embarrassed him not to mention he was the one giving me a ride home. He said he was pretty secure in his sexuality so it was no worries phew. It just seems I can’t bring up any concrete debate with some of them with out getting my foot jammed so far in my mouth there are teeth marks on my knees. My open minded and truthfulness about how I see the world are kind of not really looked down upon, but are not something to be talked about. It scares me because its part of who I am and I don’t want to give that up, just because I attend church now. I want to continue my journey in spirituality and believe in God, but I don’t want to change myself into a person I don’t recognise.

I remember ages ago I think it was 2006 and I was still working at Express Subs and Sushi and the manger Joe asked me if I was Christian. To which I said sort of. Apparently sort of does not compute with Christians so of course he asked me what I meant by it. Of course I said that I believe in God and I felt that was enough. I still don’t feel like a whole Christian. I don’t know what I am. I prefer to say I am an open minded Christian. Therefore the religious confusion continues.

P.S. I got a new haircut!

Go away butterflies

Me: Urgh I still have the butterflies.
Mom: GO AWAY BUTTERFLIES GO TO MOM’S GARDEN INSTEAD!
A few minutes later after the love butterflies have subsided.
Me: Hey yelling at them actually worked.
Mom: (chuckles) Is that right? So they are going to bug my garden and no one elses?
Me: Yes, make sure the next time you take a trip to the garden to tell them to leave me alone.
Mom: I’ll keep that in mind.
Me: Yep, they’re pretty butterflies, all blue, purple, yellow and pink, with pretty little patterns.
Mom: I shall keep an eye out for them.

It’s officially been a month since I told Pretty Blue Eyes I hearted him and I still haven’t been able to fully lick my wounds. Like I’ve said repeatedly to the point of exhaustion I can’t let it go. I think that I am over it or that I am dealing with the initial rejection but I take one look into his pretty blue eyes and wham bam I am out for six. I am elated when I am around him and then once I am home I am full of anxiety and anguish because of it. I want to share my heart with someone but they will not return it, so why do I keep torturing myself? I want to prove everyone wrong including myself. I want to put his picture in my Amy necklace. :P

Then there is the dangerous territory of jealousy. It’s turning me into a pit bull. This pretty blonde girl I will call Bee-Woman keeps hanging around Pretty Blue Eyes too. She clings to him like saran wrap and the clear cellophane wrapping is merely, just barely masking her affections. I also keep getting the impression from her that I am competition for his affections and to be frank I think I see her the same way. I want to come after her like Wild Will and yell insults at her. When I am around her and Pretty Blue Eyes I feel like I am being stung by venomous wasps, rather than kissed by pretty butterflies and I must lash out but I cannot will myself to do it. The worst part is I keep thinking that she is better for Pretty Blue Eyes because she is prettier than me, my mom gets mad at me when I say that and I do realise how irrational and stupid it is to say and think it because its not true. I am pretty and I am worthy of him in some way. I actually want to talk to her and see if perhaps I am just reading too much into things. I keep imagining her and I in the living room at Pretty Blue Eyes house during a gathering of youth like me and the room freezes and we go into this kung fu pose and claws come out and we hiss like angry cats, growl like vicious dogs and prepare for attack. Then a random guy in a suit, or sometimes one of my friends pops up from out of nowhere onto the scene and says “hey he isn’t worth fighting for, he isn’t yours to begin with.” I imagined Ashleigh in the same situation but she gets angry blue eyes when she is jealous and shoots blue death rays from her eyes, she stalks Bee-Woman to Fido-Mart and they have this big show down by the shoe department, where a curious Nigel Bottington looks on and then Philis comes toddling out during the disruptions announces how people are fighting because she is fat followed by punting Bee-Woman off the scene, followed by Ashleigh’s object of affection because he is a jerk faced poo head and her broke her nerd NERDY retarded weird girl friend’s entire heart. It’s after these imaginative episodes of all creativity and irrationality I suddenly think to myself, fight when the time is right and be patient for things to come.

I keep clinging to hope because he didn’t say he didn’t like me, he just said we could only be friends at the time and it can not ever go past friendship. Was it just a gentle let down or perhaps an invitation to keep waiting? I am glad that I know where I stand but the ground feels shaky beneath my feet now because of it. It makes it hard because now I know for sure that he knows that I like him. He gets so quiet when were together one on one, like perhaps there is more he wants to say but cannot or he feels awkward around me because he knows I like him and he doesn’t or cannot feel the same way for unknown reasons. Then again he makes a point to tease me and ask me how I am and jokes around with me, like a friend would and should. I heart him as a friend, it just hurts that it cannot go past that and I cannot tell him how much I really care. It would be so much easier if he wasn’t my friend. I want to tell him to leave me alone and go have fun with that pretty blonde girl who I swear looks at me as competition. I wish I never met him, but then I think about it and I realise his impact on me has been a positive one despite the heartbreak. It shows that I can really feel and my heart was never really lost of forgotten in Australia, only part of it was.

When I say Australia, I am referring to my friends. A year later I still pine for them. I hate how the only way to reach them on any level is a computer screen. I want to go back (with Carol of course.) to visit with them all for at least a few months and see the places in Australia I never got to go, Uluru for instance, Melbourne, random places of interest. I just want to be around them again and bask in their glorious friendship they’ve given me, I just want a hug from my good friends but its not possible most of them are overseas and another is in a different province and I can hardly afford the bus ride just to get to her. Blah!

Good grief somebody smack me! Please I am going insane from all of this.

P.S. I think I made the mistake of telling Pretty Blue Eyes that I tell Amy and Carol everything!

Picking at the scab

For the last two maybe three days in a row now, my friend Mrs. Amazing Frank Sinatra Lady says to me: So how goes the saga? (She is obviously referring to Pretty Blue Eyes and my disastrously unrequited love)
And I reply.
Me: Oh same old same old
Or
Me: No change really
Or even
Me: I am sick of guys and their mixed messages. I wish they would throw them away into the fiery pits of hell.
Mrs. Amazing Frank Sinatra Lady: You’re just going to have to deal with it. If you like him it will all work out in the end.
Or
Mrs. Amazing Frank Sinatra Lady: Just give it time. If you like him then spend time with him. You never know when it will be over…

Note this is a generalisation of all of her wisdom :). And there be many more random snippets of advice she gave me, which I wish I remembered to write down, but I know I still remember on a subconscious level. Perhaps in another entry I shall talk about my wide variety of friends of different ages and backgrounds.

It’s been over a month and I am still heartbroken. Well I feel like my wounds have healed but while it’s still a scab I keep accidentally scratching off whenever I see him or think about him and all the hurt bleeds out. It’s an open wound again. It never fully heals. No band aid can cover it up or make it feel any better. Why can’t I seem to get over this? I wonder if maybe it’s because it’s true like. The like you experience very rarely in a life time? Every time I see him I get a jolt in my heart, its agonising longing mixed with happiness, it starts in my heart and then the wonderfulness of the feeling melts with in and trickles throughout my veins to the very essence of my being in a matter of seconds. It’s irritating because I feel like he will never know, but amazing because I hope that maybe he does. I pray that if he is not the one that I feel the exact same way about another human being, the closeness, the warm feelings, the hazy eyes and the shyness of trying to talk to them. I wish I could stop picking at the scab because it feels like its becoming infected with a wide amount of both irrational and rational feelings. I think the only medicine would be accepting myself and loving myself. I was told in order for a guy to like me I have to like myself and be confident, but the truth is I don’t, I never really have. I accept myself but I don’t like it. It’s more of a self annoyance. I irritate me. I analyse everything I do and constantly my own worst critic. When will this ridiculous cycle of self annoyance end? When will I find peace with in myself and be more comfortable in my own skin? It’s been a slow battle, but I know that it is happening.

P.S. I maked a friendship bracelet for Pretty Blue Eyes and have subsequently learnt he has Mickey Mouse hands! :P

Lust or Love

Writing time again? Today I am setting aside 15 minutes…I have to catch the bus to see Tony-man features.

And now just like yesterday my mind draws a blank…

Well I am still heartbroken go figure. Perhaps I shall write a story about some advice a friend gave me.

Carma Bubbly: (You’ve been introduced to her in a previous entry. :P)Hello Beautiful! How are you?
Me: OK
Carma: Just OK? (Gives look of concern) What’s the matter?
Me: Oh I had a shitty weekend.
Carma: Why?
Me: Oh you know just family stuff, guy stuff, etc.
Carma: Oh? (Whispers) It’s probably PMS!
Me: I saw him standing with another girl. I thought I was over him, but I wasn't because I burst into tears.
Carma: You got to stop that!
Me: But I can’t help it. I still like him.
Carma: YOU GOT TO STOP THAT!
Me thinking: (Yikes!)
Me: But…
Carma: It’s just lust.
Me: I don’t think so…
Carma: It’s just lust.
Me thinking: (You said that already)
Me: But…I know it’s unhealthy and everything.
Carma: Exactly, it’s just lust. He has a nice body and he is good looking. It’s just lust.
Me thinking: (OK, OK I got your point)
Me: Yes but,
Carma: Yes I know he is a nice guy…
Me thinking: (You never actually talked to him! Grrr….)
Me: He really is.
Carma: It’s just lust sweetie.
Me thinking: (Ah forget it!)
Me: (Rolls eyes) OK…

Let me make this point clear. Officer Octogenarian was lust, lust mixed with admiration. I think this may have happened with Pretty Blue Eyes, but there is something different this time. I just can’t put my finger on it. Besides, does anyone have any idea what it’s like to be close to someone and not be able to share it with them? To feel all warm inside and wonder if they do too or if they even care? I feel all hazy whenever I see him smile. Good riddance to me and my obsessive behaviour. I am mad at Pretty Blue Eyes for rejecting me, I am mad at myself for letting it happen. Yet, it’s my own fault for being heartbroken, I took the risk, I knew this may happen. So why do I keep feeling thing may change? Is it just wishful thinking or a perfectly irrational gut feeling? Why does everyone keep telling me to let him go? Jo says to leave him in the past and I deserve much better, Carma says its lust. The only people to make sense are Mrs. Amazing Frank Sinatra Lady (another work friend, Marlon Brando Woman and Mrs. Amazing James Dean Woman has been taken.) she says if I like someone I want to be around them and I am allowed to like him because you never know how much time you have and things can change. Sam-Lady said to do what I feel is best and go with the flow. The Cashier Nazi (of all people), says that you can’t help who you love. My mom said if it makes me happy to keep hoping then go for it. Amy says he is probably gay seeing as he is too good to be true, but she thinks he sounds cool every time I talk about him and I am not sure about Carol, but I think she suggested that if he does go out with another girl I should be mad. It appears I may have inadvertently taken Carols advice last Sunday to my own emotional detriment.

P.S. I am going to take my brother out for ice cream and play dollies. Ah the joys of getting in touch with my inner child. :P