I was thinking back to an earlier post about my beliefs in God. I still feel the religious confusion, but my ideas about going to church have changed. I realised it when I went to church without my mom. Oh shocker I now attend church so sue me. Mom bugged me for months and months on end. I find it a place to share my spiritual views and ideas about God with other people. To see other humans for that matter to immerse myself into the community rather then pine for the life I left behind in Australia. I still miss it, but I finally feel like I am moving forward. However, I still cling to my sceptical nature and open minded views. Sadly I think this is an issue.
Especially when I want to punch a fellow church member in the face when he mimics and mocks homosexuality. His whole view was the stereotypical ignorant one, you know the falsetto voice, the overtly feminine hand gestures and so on and so for. It disgusted me, but of course he backed it up with his oh it’s not my place to judge. So I told him one of my best friends is gay and he doesn’t act like that at all. You think I would learn from this not to bring it up again. I could tell he didn’t believe me.
Then later in the day I was invited out to lunch, with McLies, her family, old pastor and his wife, the ministry coordinator and her family and the new handsome pastor. I was an instigator and brought up homosexuality two more times. Once at the dinner table when I brought up a quote from a gay guy getting married and telling his dad how the road to hell was paved in bacon. I was ready for a debate on how the Bible only mentions male homosexuality and not lesbians because it’s patriarchal and so on and so forth, maybe even mention how gender and sexuality are purely social constructs mostly based on religious views, but I probably would have had to leave the house in shame and walk home (a good 10 kilometres or so.)
Then I unwitting said how Amy thought the intern pastor was gay because the way I described him was too good to be true, as most guys his age are dinkleheads. I was really itching to bring it up with him too because he IS too good to be true. He is the nicest guy I ever met. The whole group erupted into laughter. Then I added he is taken by God and I forgot to add the part where my friend Carol said all the good ones are taken or gay. I was implying he was taken. Of course the ministry coordinator said if he was gay he would NOT in no circumstances be preaching or holding any position in the church, he could attend but that’s it. I got the impression homosexuality was NOT a topic to bring up with church people. I smoothed it over by saying the intern pastor was pretty manly so he didn’t have to worry. I felt bad because I think I embarrassed him not to mention he was the one giving me a ride home. He said he was pretty secure in his sexuality so it was no worries phew. It just seems I can’t bring up any concrete debate with some of them with out getting my foot jammed so far in my mouth there are teeth marks on my knees. My open minded and truthfulness about how I see the world are kind of not really looked down upon, but are not something to be talked about. It scares me because its part of who I am and I don’t want to give that up, just because I attend church now. I want to continue my journey in spirituality and believe in God, but I don’t want to change myself into a person I don’t recognise.
I remember ages ago I think it was 2006 and I was still working at Express Subs and Sushi and the manger Joe asked me if I was Christian. To which I said sort of. Apparently sort of does not compute with Christians so of course he asked me what I meant by it. Of course I said that I believe in God and I felt that was enough. I still don’t feel like a whole Christian. I don’t know what I am. I prefer to say I am an open minded Christian. Therefore the religious confusion continues.
P.S. I got a new haircut!
A Life of Choice
8 years ago