Have you ever been in a group of people yet feel so alone? I feel like they like me and they want to get to know me, but I am too scared to let them and I really don’t want too for some reason. I feel like I am standing next to this thick pane of glass and no matter how hard I try I can’t seem to break through it. I feel like I am having an out of body experience. I don’t feel like Melissa at all. I feel this insecure shy, unconfident woman unsure of what to do and how to act, a social retard. I don’t want to be ignored, yet I allow it to happen. I keep beating my head against the glass.
I’ve recently began attempting to meet more people and make friends, which I think is rather successful, the meeting people part anyways. I just don’t feel like I am meeting people that I want lasting relationships with yet. I’m still new girl. I want to show people the real me, but I am scared. I tried to talk to a person I think is a friend about the story I am working on, but I was out of my element, shy and quiet and he didn’t hear me, he just walked by because he didn’t hear me. It hurt because I finally make a feeble attempt to share a part of myself and it backfires. Coincidentally he also happened to be Pretty Blue Eyes. I felt so let down. Like I shouldn’t even bother to be his friend I am so tempted to be passive aggressive and tell him I don’t think I should be his friend because I WANT to be his friend not his invisible friend, he makes small talk too and tries to be friendly and invite you places. If I knew this was the consequences of my actions, I never would have told him that I liked him. Rah! But if he didn’t like me that way why does his whole face light up when he sees me? Why does he gaze at me when he thinks I am not looking?
Urgh and the only person who seems to understand what I am thinking concerning romantical woes and or this issue of expressing myself a city bus driver Banana Man and my mother. How weird is that? Then I am constantly worried as my mom listens to my ramblings that I am annoying her with my constant over analysing of my every move, Pretty Blue Eyes and life in general. She keeps saying I don’t know what to say, but I try to tell her you don’t have to say anything, you just need to listen. That’s it. I don’t have anyone that I feel I can successfully ramble too and they can successfully ramble back to the point that we have this equilibrium of listening and rambling. I just want to spout frustrations and knowing they understand what is bothering me. I don’t want advice, I don’t want comments on it. I certainly don’t want them to use my secrets against me. I just want someone to listen. And if my services are needed I will do the same. I’ve only found at least two people like that, unfortunately for me one lives in Alberta and another lives in Australia. My ranting and raving is heard, but debated too and that frustrates the hell out of me.
P.S. Creationism vs. evolution, tis a tricky debate, I want to devote a whole entire entry to it. :P
A Life of Choice
7 years ago