Me: Urgh I still have the butterflies.
Mom: GO AWAY BUTTERFLIES GO TO MOM’S GARDEN INSTEAD!
A few minutes later after the love butterflies have subsided.
Me: Hey yelling at them actually worked.
Mom: (chuckles) Is that right? So they are going to bug my garden and no one elses?
Me: Yes, make sure the next time you take a trip to the garden to tell them to leave me alone.
Mom: I’ll keep that in mind.
Me: Yep, they’re pretty butterflies, all blue, purple, yellow and pink, with pretty little patterns.
Mom: I shall keep an eye out for them.
It’s officially been a month since I told Pretty Blue Eyes I hearted him and I still haven’t been able to fully lick my wounds. Like I’ve said repeatedly to the point of exhaustion I can’t let it go. I think that I am over it or that I am dealing with the initial rejection but I take one look into his pretty blue eyes and wham bam I am out for six. I am elated when I am around him and then once I am home I am full of anxiety and anguish because of it. I want to share my heart with someone but they will not return it, so why do I keep torturing myself? I want to prove everyone wrong including myself. I want to put his picture in my Amy necklace. :P
Then there is the dangerous territory of jealousy. It’s turning me into a pit bull. This pretty blonde girl I will call Bee-Woman keeps hanging around Pretty Blue Eyes too. She clings to him like saran wrap and the clear cellophane wrapping is merely, just barely masking her affections. I also keep getting the impression from her that I am competition for his affections and to be frank I think I see her the same way. I want to come after her like Wild Will and yell insults at her. When I am around her and Pretty Blue Eyes I feel like I am being stung by venomous wasps, rather than kissed by pretty butterflies and I must lash out but I cannot will myself to do it. The worst part is I keep thinking that she is better for Pretty Blue Eyes because she is prettier than me, my mom gets mad at me when I say that and I do realise how irrational and stupid it is to say and think it because its not true. I am pretty and I am worthy of him in some way. I actually want to talk to her and see if perhaps I am just reading too much into things. I keep imagining her and I in the living room at Pretty Blue Eyes house during a gathering of youth like me and the room freezes and we go into this kung fu pose and claws come out and we hiss like angry cats, growl like vicious dogs and prepare for attack. Then a random guy in a suit, or sometimes one of my friends pops up from out of nowhere onto the scene and says “hey he isn’t worth fighting for, he isn’t yours to begin with.” I imagined Ashleigh in the same situation but she gets angry blue eyes when she is jealous and shoots blue death rays from her eyes, she stalks Bee-Woman to Fido-Mart and they have this big show down by the shoe department, where a curious Nigel Bottington looks on and then Philis comes toddling out during the disruptions announces how people are fighting because she is fat followed by punting Bee-Woman off the scene, followed by Ashleigh’s object of affection because he is a jerk faced poo head and her broke her nerd NERDY retarded weird girl friend’s entire heart. It’s after these imaginative episodes of all creativity and irrationality I suddenly think to myself, fight when the time is right and be patient for things to come.
I keep clinging to hope because he didn’t say he didn’t like me, he just said we could only be friends at the time and it can not ever go past friendship. Was it just a gentle let down or perhaps an invitation to keep waiting? I am glad that I know where I stand but the ground feels shaky beneath my feet now because of it. It makes it hard because now I know for sure that he knows that I like him. He gets so quiet when were together one on one, like perhaps there is more he wants to say but cannot or he feels awkward around me because he knows I like him and he doesn’t or cannot feel the same way for unknown reasons. Then again he makes a point to tease me and ask me how I am and jokes around with me, like a friend would and should. I heart him as a friend, it just hurts that it cannot go past that and I cannot tell him how much I really care. It would be so much easier if he wasn’t my friend. I want to tell him to leave me alone and go have fun with that pretty blonde girl who I swear looks at me as competition. I wish I never met him, but then I think about it and I realise his impact on me has been a positive one despite the heartbreak. It shows that I can really feel and my heart was never really lost of forgotten in Australia, only part of it was.
When I say Australia, I am referring to my friends. A year later I still pine for them. I hate how the only way to reach them on any level is a computer screen. I want to go back (with Carol of course.) to visit with them all for at least a few months and see the places in Australia I never got to go, Uluru for instance, Melbourne, random places of interest. I just want to be around them again and bask in their glorious friendship they’ve given me, I just want a hug from my good friends but its not possible most of them are overseas and another is in a different province and I can hardly afford the bus ride just to get to her. Blah!
Good grief somebody smack me! Please I am going insane from all of this.
P.S. I think I made the mistake of telling Pretty Blue Eyes that I tell Amy and Carol everything!
A Life of Choice
8 years ago