Analyzing passive aggressive?

I guess its good I made this blog private, because I can be a little more open, this time it’s more about sharing with people I invited, rather then the whole world. I don’t want the whole anonymous B.S. to happen again. I was looking over previous comments and I found more comments from the anonymous commenter (s) why does it still bother me? I thought I was over this?

So I re-read some of the stuff I wrote when I was overcome with the jealousy bug and it was mean and I’ve come to realise that perhaps I never knew this girl at all. If there was ever a potential for friendship it ended the day I decided to post my deep and darkest feelings. The funny thing is I remember before I posted it thinking this will get me into big trouble. And it seems like the last dream I wrote about…

“Then I dreamt last night I was telling my friends about this girl in a similar non-identifying style of this blog and one friend knew who I was talking about. I was angry in this dream because I was frustrated with this person and said I have no one to vent too or say how I am feeling because of the backlash it would cause. I had no friends at the end of the dream, I ran away screaming and crying yet again.”

…was a self fulfilling prophesy! I mean I did have a one on one conversation with a friend. I realised what I did was horrible I ran away crying and I don’t think my relationship with any of my friends has been the same since….

Mind you deep down I wanted to write it too.

“It’s awkward as, hanging around with her. I am keeping this poisonous secret and its making me bitter to know end!”

So I guess now it’s not a poisonous secret. It brings me back to my previous entry, where I acknowledged there are different interpretations of texts. They don’t say the pen is mightier then the sword for nothing.

Maybe I was being passive aggressive. In fact I really wish I could come up with a good description of what passive aggressiveness is. Does it mean the actions are passive, but the intent is aggressive? Passive aggressive is actually something used in the wrong context.

The dictionary says:

Passive Aggressive (adj.) Of, relating to, or having a personality disorder characterized by habitual passive resistance to demands for adequate performance in occupational or social situations, as by procrastination, stubbornness, sullenness, and inefficiency.

One description might be:

A customer at a burger joint is being a not-wat and instead of the servers saying I don’t appreciate how you are treating me they spit in there burger and serve it too them with a smile. They did a very nasty thing whilst remaining polite. The customer is unsuspecting, eats burger, employee is stoked because they got one on this mean nasty person.

Another would be:

Me dropping my roommates toothbrush in the toilet after she leaves me a note regarding my lack of response in cleaning the bathroom. (See previous entry re: Boiling Point) Leaving a note in reply instead of confronting her and explaining how it wasn’t appreciated is equally passive aggressive. In retrospect its just being petty and mean. Might as well call it what it is.

It’s like the little kid whose been told to do chores, they do them they take obscenely longer then normal or won’t even do them at all.

Some might even say passive aggressiveness is a form or covert abuse. Passive aggressive behaviour is actually a medical condition believe it or not. From research I have deduced it means to be outwardly calm and accepting everyone with ambivalence, but on the inside it’s like Godzilla Raaaaarrrr! The person then shows this by doing mean things subtly, like sulking or procrastination. I don’t think I can properly answer this in a way I can understand.

References:

http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/2453/what-is-passive-aggressive

http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/2453/what-is-passive-aggressive

http://www.buzzle.com/articles/what-does-passive-aggressive-mean.html

P.S. My animal personality is a penguin :P

You’re a writer…?

This is a common misdemeanour I encounter as a “writer” I will say and/or write something that is either misinterpreted or comes out the wrong way and they will say.

“You’re a writer…I think you could express this better, etc, etc.”

Either it’s a joke, a slap in the face or some other intention. Is this a common thing for writers to go through?

Here is an example via text message.

Grace: Don’t forget rent is due tomorrow please! J

Me thinking: Oh brother!

Me: I don’t need the reminders. I think I am capable of remembering.

Grace: If you have something you want to discuss with me you do it in person. And as I gave the reminder to Viola it wasn’t personal and it won’t happen again.

Me thinking: Darn it I had a feeling she’d take it the wrong way…oh crap oh crap she is pissed.

Me: I meant it as you don’t have to worry, not as an attack sorry if I upset you and I have rent by the way.

Grace: Well then as a writer, perhaps you should consider how you use your words. I do need to have a second with you tonight if you’re home.

My thoughts: BITCH! Grace scares the crap out of me by the way.

Let’s just say I spent way over the 30 minutes to dwell rule my friend Chris and I instated, but fudge it really pissed me off. I had to thank my mom for the hot chocolate and the bitch when I talked to her today. I was Melzilla earlier…

Any human who rents with half a brain knows the 1^st of the month (hear in Canada anyways) rent is due. I probably shouldn’t have said anything, but she’s been reminding me for six months since I moved in. The frustration I feel right now is irritating. As a writer I know words do not belong to me, but to everyone. Why do people think I should word things differently just because I like to write? They fling it at me as a point of attack! What is a writer anyway? I’d like to know Grace’s definition.

So I wanted to give my months notice, but the douche got one on me and is giving me my notice. Apparently I am too sensitive about my boundaries and it’s something I’ve been talking about since I moved in, but what really got me was…This was after she accused me of hiding my peppermint tea because I may have noticed she was drinking it by mistake and she didn’t want me to think she was stealing my food…Oh brother!

Grace: You know for someone who says we (roomies) are passive aggressive your message was passive aggressive.

Me: No it wasn’t, you interpreted it that way.

Grace: No it was passive aggressive. That’s how it sounded.

Me: No words are subject to interpretation, so what I take from words might be different then yours.

Grace: (Irksome grin) So, when you said we were being passive aggressive that was you interpreting it that way?

Me: Yes of course just like you took my message the wrong way from what was intended and that’s your issue not mine.

Grace: OK that’s all I wanted to say…

I am sick of people thinking they understand how I think or how I should act, speak or write because I am thought of as a writer. I am sick of the wisecracks. Is there other crafts or professions who get this too… “Oh you work at Wal-Mart therefore you should know the whole place inside out.” Or “you’re a mom you should be more sensitive.” It’s like I am being defined by a stereotype.

What is a writer? Not all writers are the same, yes some have the master over words and imagination, but some have grammar issues, some cannot spell, some cannot even bare the sight of a dictionary and some are actually equally good at math (I met a writer who had a math degree). Some writers write screen plays, some poems, some journalism related stories. It was like the time the pastor of my church wanted me to write a poem for church about God. Apparently it was a “solid poem” but I took no joy in writing it. I am not a poet! But because I am a writer I automatically should be considered for this task, never mind my areas of writing or preferences are journalism, journaling and writing novels/short stories.

I am not a poet, and I know it, but I am a journalist in waiting and a storyteller at heart, but I’ve been lumped into the “writer category.” And using something that is a part of me as an attack is wrong!

P.S. I got asked to move out in January!

Boiling Point

I have two roommates:

One I have named Grace and the other Viola, Grace loves Grace Kelly and Viola is very musical.

Despite the fact this blog causes problems, I’ve made it private so I can go back to my honest opinions. I am going to be mean. In fact because its private I could use real names but I like the made up ones better….

I have something to say. My frustration with roommates (flatmates) has reached a boiling point. I like them, yet I have no patience for either of them.

I was really upset at one of my roommate Viola last night. I was late by two days cleaning the bathroom because apparently according to Grace who owns the place decided that every Sunday one of us has floor duty or bathroom duty. The later is mainly shared between Viola and me becauseGrace has her own. She cleans the shower in the rotation. Anyways, because of not doing it when expected I got a lovely note on the bathroom mirror.

"Melissa, the bathroom doesn't clean up itself."

Needless to say I was pretty choked about it and I felt like going into attack mode, which I think is something my mom does, but I digress. At 11 p.m. I cleaned, and then I left a note of my own saying:

“The bathroom doesn’t clean itself, but I did. I hope it is up to your utmost satisfaction. Thank you for the reminder.”

So of course I heard about it from the other roommate Grace who defended Viola and said it was sarcasm and maybe Viola was upset because I spend too much time helping my mom rather then doing my duties in the house or perhaps she was to P.O.’d about it to say anything and perhaps a note was just a nice way of saying something to me. Nice way? More like a passive aggressive bitchy way. And apparently if I didn’t like receiving a note why would Viola. Hmmmm….maybe that is why I left one and maybe that is why I “accidentally” dropped her toothbrush in the toilet. She wants to be a bitch I can be one too. Enough said.

I understand why Viola was upset but she could have talked to me in a mature manner and I would have apologized cleaned the bathroom and perhaps explained the lateness. Yes I was helping my mom yesterday but I had also just finished working 6 days straight mostly 8 hour shifts in which time was limited, not an excuse but a reason and didn’t mean I wasn’t going to do it. Patience is a virtue Viola obviously lacks. The whole you have to clean such and such on such and such a day is retarded. If I wanted to live in a dictatorship I’d time travel to Russia during Stalin’s regime. It doesn’t help they are both anal about it. It’s still the day of and they are after me reminding me. I have to wash my baking dishes because I am baking fiend (understandably) but Viola doesn’t? Christ that makes me angry! I wish Grace and Viola would stop being such a dish Nazis!

I accidentally put clothes on the dryer which are apparently littered with cat hairs (probably because Grace’s cat Lucy is imprisoned there 90% of the time) and Viola makes a snarky comment about how I made a terrible mistake and she is allergic, etc. I apologised her response was still equally sarcastic. Hmmmm….

This is not to say that I don’t like them. I have had good moments but right now my frustration is oozing down the sides of the pot from over boiling and its kind flowed over the good times.

P.S. I am making Fudge cupcakes for Tony for his birthday AND to celebrate the fact he gets a permanent home. WOOT!

I want to know why?

Today a sermon about Gods love at church really made me think. Actually it kind of pissed me off. The premise (using the story of Lazarus) was pain and how it shows you, you need Jesus. Pain shakes up your life so you realise you need to depend on him because humans are self-centred bastards who would rather do things by themselves then ask God for help. So God makes us suffer because he loves us and he wants us to see that? Why would a loving God want people to suffer?

It made me think of how my brother suffers so much. Recently he broke his foot and had to have surgery on it. He now has Osteoporosis added to his ever alarming list of problems. If God loves all of us why would he allow someone to have so many disabilities and barriers? Where was God when my brother was born? Why does my family have to stand by and watch him suffer? If this is God’s will then it royally sucks! It’s not fair damn I am not blaming Him, I am just wondering…. I don’t even know if my brother even has a relationship with Jesus or knows about Him because he can’t communicate it to me. And Christians some wonder how some can become Atheists!

I asked two people at church today and my mom not one could answer my question properly to my satisfaction.

1. Just looked at me blankly almost confused and finally after a couple of awkward seconds said “some questions you can’t answer. It’s not fair but its life.” Pfft! Mind I think if I asked around some more this would be a common one.
2. The second one compared my brother to the Chilean mine rescue of 30 and the horrible earthquake in the same country which killed 300. So basically Tony is on the 300 side. Seriously?
3. My mom said this God gave my brother a high pain threshold because he knew he’d be in a lot of pain. She doesn’t blame God either. Nice answer Hev-Lady seeing as you didn’t answer my damn question.

Here is what I think. Maybe Tony is the way he is because when they are around him they’re filled with goodness my brother has (That’s not to say he doesn’t have any darkness in his personality because believe me he does). You can see the good side of humanity, people’s compassion, the ability to look past all the medical labels and see a person who brings joy and makes them laugh. He is a treasure underneath all the pain. However, why does he have to have so much hardship in order to see these things? I see a 20 year-old guy a work, a cocky, moody, self absorbed regular guy and I think, that should have, could have been my brother, (minus the cocky self absorbed bit :P). I guess I won’t be able to properly answer this question, but it doesn’t mean I don’t or still won’t think I about it.

P.S. I nearly dropped the f-bomb in front of two little kids whilst I was discussing last week’s power outage.

Returning to my love

It feels good to be back! By that I mean behind my computer or with my notebook, with words again. I think I abandoned them, but it really isn’t possible because I use words every day, I think this applies to everyone.

A friend Sam-Lady (whom I haven’t written about in a while. She was a flatmate from which seems like eons ago who was harassed by a fire breathing rat-faced poo-head named Elise-Woman! Rah! Yes, yes, yes, I am using the mean words again but if you ever met her and got on this persons bad side…) said to me three words.

“You should write!”

I agree. I should but I don’t. It occurred to me I haven’t written a proper story for about four years. I have all these ideas swimming around in my head, I write them down but I don’t take it to the level the counts. I don’t turn it into what the idea is supposed to be, a story. Not to mention I haven’t been writing so processing my thoughts has gone down hill. A friend at work, I’ll call her Chip (because she is so chipper :P) even noticed I wasn’t myself, wondering if perhaps I am letting my new job get to me. On the contrary I find it very amusing. (More on that in a minute) The thing is I haven’t been writing and it’s depressing me. I forced myself to write some of my story Fizzy Lemonade, the sequel to Song of the Superheroes (which I started almost 3 years ago). I had the joy in my heart that I hadn’t felt in donkey’s ages. I have troubles concentrating like I used too but I tried.

People fascinate me I see some people around town that I could base characters off. For instance:

The morbidly obese guy who rides the bus: He takes up a whole row of seats. He has dirty blonde hair which looks like it hasn’t been washed in months; a scruffy beard, has a cane with a skull on it and is always wearing a leather jacket. Yesterday I saw him wearing a black velour cape. He could be a bus pirate. :P

Then there is the adorable tiny Asian woman: who coincidentally rides the bus too. She wears her pants practically up to her arm pits with bright pink socks. She like me always has her back pack. It’s forest green. It looks so heavy that it might send her flying backwards if she wasn’t holding on to something.

I should write more often, enough said.

Chapter 10 of Fizzy Lemonade is ready to read too. :)

P.S. I made orange flavoured sugar cookies and I grated the knuckle of my thumb whilst collecting orange zest only to find out my roommate was allergic to oranges.

It’s Official: Me and Mormonism Part 5

Yes finally, you wouldn’t believe the sudden curiosity and trepidation I felt when I saw yet again another envelope from The Church of Jesus Christ of Later Day Saints sitting quietly on the kitchen table (can stuff sit quietly?). Let’s just say. It is finally official. I am no longer a member of the Mormon faith. A burden has been lifted. Not only that but I have physical proof!

Here is what it says:

September 21 2010

Dear Sister McKenna

This letter is to notify you that in accordance with your request your name has been removed from the membership records of The Church of Jesus Christ of Later Day Saints.

Should you desire to become a member of the Church in the future, the local bishop or branch president in your area will be happy to help you.

Sincerely,

Gregory W. Doge

Manager, Member and Statistical Records

I feel like I should frame it or something. I am just thankful my name removal wasn’t as involved as some ex-Mormons stories I have read about. Alas, a new chapter in my spiritual life. I can start over and follow God how I was meant too. Now if I could figure out how I am suppose to do that, followed by somehow breaking this news nicely to my family members who are LDS and may be non too please to hear this. Besides faith isn’t something set in stone, its something that can change from time to time as you begin to understand what it means exactly. I don’t think there is a definitive answer as I have learnt through from past.

P.S. In other news, I think I like someone again…I’ll just leave it at that.

Identity

I wish I could say I haven’t had time to write because I’ve been so busy, but the truth is I do have time, but ever since the nonsense that has happened in my blog the past few months. As you can tell I went back on my decision to make my blog private.

I just can’t seem to write in it anymore. It was so much easier when my thoughts weren’t under attack. I’ve had stuff worth sharing, but it just seems no name is safe, no event how amazingly awesome is ok to transpose, no thoughts of any kind are allowed because it might piss one person off I know in minute amount of people out of the gazillions in this world. I wish I could say that I have learnt from my transgressions. It appears no conversation is safe or maybe the problem is there is no one safe enough to discuss anything with. I can write and say how sorry I am a thousand times and I still don’t feel right about it. Why should I be sorry for feelings? I am allowed to have feelings towards people whether they are positive or slightly skewed or not, if they don’t conform to others, it is their problem. And if I am wrong in my assumptions I will say so.

So maybe I will write about one thing that is bothering me….

Baptism. I’ve been asking the pastor at my church since June 2009 and in January of this year to be baptised and I feel like get nowhere. He keeps saying I have to read this or tells me I tell him I’ m not ready or I should do that, but other people come forward and announce they want too and lickity split there being dunked in water, something beautiful, something paramount to announcing their Christian faith. It’s the beginning of a new life. Rah! However, I am happy for them but I neglected to attended, but not for these reasons. I just know this journey may never happen for me.

Is it because I had an entire crush on the pastor? (Because that is indeed who Pretty Blue Eyes is and it was an entire waste of my time. AN ENTIRE WASTE!) Am I too open minded? Is it because I once belonged to the Mormon faith? It’s not like I didn’t have my name removed or denounced it a billion times. Is it because I don’t fit in with the crowd at the church?

Well now I don’t want too get baptised anymore and I am not even sure I want to be Christian. The more I try the more depressed I feel. I feel no connection to these people, cut off. I guess I don’t wear the right clothes. (The red sweater is a faux pas? )When I lived with my mom that meant no identity? I can’t even write on this blog without any back lash. This is not to say some haven’t been positive influences and kind to me and I appreciate it. I just know its not who I am. I’m still figuring this out!

Perhaps I should erase a few paragraphs of my spiritual journey and start over again! If my friends or my mom want to blame the devil for this decision then they are more then welcome. I am sure he (if he is indeed real) is used to being used as a scapegoat by now. I just hope I am strong enough to handle the onslaught of religious guilt that will be thrown at me.

And those who do not like my blog or what I write can choose not to read it. If they have a problem they can come talk to me instead of telling others behind my back. It’s as simple as that.

P.S. I am not an atheist!

Melissa Computer?

I want to write something positive for once!

After a whirlwind trip to Vancouver, where my little brother was subjected to 3 doctors appointments in 1 day in a span of just hours, evil taxi drivers, my computer becoming a babysitter/ calmness enabler (more on that later) and I surviving the antics of Hev-Lady; It appears Tony (my brother)most likely won’t need surgery due to his scoliosis as the doctor believes he has stopped growing and therefore if no more growing takes place he’d be able to function with the spine he has (which is just as twisty and scary as my mind.:P )This is something I am thankful for because it apparently is a very painful procedure and my brother has a enough issues without having to recover from major surgery. Phew!

As for my computer, the battery was practically drained both trips on the plane…

Was subjected to certain spills

Was used to keep my brother occupied

A reason for a 6:30 am wake up call…

My brother is obsessed with my computer.

Me: (Arriving at car which will take us to the Vancouver trip of all tiredness.) Hi Tony!

Tony: AHAAHDFHSDFHLSDKFHKJDSHFJKSHD! MELISSA!

Chauffer person (Mom had someone help us get to and fromJ): (Wincing) Oh oh ummm….Tony?

Mom: (she is used to this therefore it is of no consequence Tony:) Yes Tony it’s your sister

Me: Yay its Tony!

Tony: MELISSA! MELISSA COMPUTER! MELISSA DOLLIES! Melissa Computer?

Me: Maybe later.

Tony: Whoooo oooohhhh

Later On:

Me: So Tony who would you like to sit with on the plane? Mom or Me?

Ummmm Melissa computer?

Me: You want to sit with my computer?

Tony: Yah!

Mom: (Laughs)

Even later on after we went through security and Tony checked to make sure my computer was alright.

Tony: (Super stoked about going on the plane, makes a mad dash for the metal bird and as he ascends the stairs he asks the flight attendant…) Melissa computer allowed? Play Melissa computer?

Flight attendant (Her name is Melanie by the way and like most people has no clue what Tony is on about.)

Me: He wants to know if my computer is allowed on and if he can play my computer on the plane?

Melanie: Yes just as soon we are in the air and the Captain has taken off the fasten seatbelt sign.

Tony: Whoooooo MELISSA COMPUTER!

Melanie: (directs us to our seats, I sit by Tony. I have the computer after all.)

Tony: (Every 2 seconds) Melissa computer?

Me: Yes just as soon as the seatbelt light is off (I point the seatbelt sign to him)

Meanwhile the airplane rises into the air of altitudes of 23,000 ft. I know I shouldn’t be scared of flying after going overseas and all but….ummm yes

Tony: (Watching plane lift off with mad interest)

10 seconds later…Light blinks out.

Tony: Melissa Computer?

Me: Yes Tony.

This happened pretty much the exact same way on the flight home, except the flight attendant on the way home was named Meadow and she was a blonde not a brunette. Anyways thanks to Tony, when I got home I swear I had Spiderman and/or Harry Potter engraved in my eyeballs.

P.S. My brother is my hero!

The Scope of it.

Me: Hello? (now what does she want?)
Mom: (frantically) I think you took the wrong scope.
Me: What the?
Mom: You took the wrong scope?
Me: I have no idea what you’re talking about?
Mom: You know the mouthwash.
Me: You mean the Listerine? (oh right I did take her full bottle of mouthwash by accident….yes that it an accident, she was using mine anyway.)
Mom: I had a full bottle and you had less then half of the Scope left.
Me: You mean the Listerine?
Mom: Whatever!
Me: I guess I did?
Mom: Yeah well anyways…what you doing?
Me: It’s Listerine not Scope!
Mom: Scope, mouthwash, Listerine, whatever! I’m not in the mood to be corrected. Melissa. It doesn’t matter what it’s called you knew what I was talking about.
Me: Actually I didn’t (although I did have an idea after about the second time she told me.)
Mom: Oh? Something, something, something…
Me: I am on my way to work.
Mom: I thought so…
Me: I have to go. I’m almost there!
Mom: OK. I just wanted to let you know about the mouthwash.
Me: OK….bye!

The issue of the mouthwash hasn’t been properly resolved yet. I guess she wants me to buy her a new bottle? Great something else I owe her.

I have some pretty long conversations with my mom. She never calls about anything specifically she just wants to talk. You know that point in the conversation where you’re not really even listening to the person anymore and you start to phase out and maybe plan how to exit the conversation politely? I do that a lot, but it doesn’t make it any less awkward. It’s not like I can just hang up on her. I’ve purposely antagonized her just so she will hang up, which is also morally corrupt. I mean I can but it is my mother after all. It’s kind of like “yep, yes, uh huh, oh sorry I have to ummm get ready to go now, I have to go to umm work or I just woke up I’m not ready for conversation yet,” especially when Hev-Lady wants to talk about her every day activities. For instance gardening, the dogs, and her personal issues; I really feel like a councilor some days, perhaps I should start charging her. She certainly spends enough sending me 4+ texts a day and a voicemail.

Since yesterday I have been struggling with the stories I am working on. I can’t seem to get a plot together for Fizzy Lemonade. It’s coming together. But I think I am slightly obsessed to the point I sit there with my notebook at the kitchen table and write out a bunch of nonsensical scribbling about how I can work it out. I have no one to bounce story ideas off of anymore it seems. I get the “this actually goes on in your head look?” I had one friend say I have a very twisty mind and she’d love to see inside it. I wouldn’t recommend it unless she wants to meander around in a sometimes dark, scatterbrained, random place. They’d either come out highly amused or scarred for life.

P.S. Today has been one of those lazy days…

My final Public Post: Me and Mormonism Part 4

Yesterday was a big day. I got so caught up over opinions regarding my blog that I forgot to mention something I find truly freeing.

I had just arrived home and I saw a pile of envelopes on the table underneath my roommates mail was….

A letter from The Church of Jesus Christ of Later Day Saints saying they acknowledge my letter, but it has to be sent to the Branch President in Terrace to hand it as it’s an ecclesiastical matter as well as a very pretty brochure encouraging me to come back and they are so very sorry if they offended me, etc.

Here is it as follows: (I know my friend whom in my elation was the first one to read said I should scan it and post it but I cannot wait to share :P I promise I shall post it and the brochure next time once I find a scanner.)

“Dear Sister McKenna:

I have been asked to acknowledge your recent letter in which you request at your name be removed from the records of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

I have also been asked to inform you that the Church considers such a request an ecclesiastical matter that must be handled by local priesthood leaders before being processed by Church employees. Therefore, your letter and a copy of this reply are being sent to President of the Canada Vancouver Mission. He will have President Ivan D. Bohle of the Terrace Branch contact you concerning the fulfillment of your request.

In view of the eternal consequences of such an action, the Brethren urge you to reconsider your request and to prayerfully consider the enclosed statement of the First Presidency.

Sincerely,

Gregory W. Dodge

Manager, Member and Statistical Records.”

So very soon I could be getting a phone call, maybe even some missionaries, home teachers or the bishop paying me a visit because they are so very concerned about me leaving the church, never mind the fact I asked them not bother me. Figures.

The thing is I don’t consider myself a Latter Day Saint. I follow a different Jesus then they do. Their prior President Gordon B. Hinckley even admitted they follow a different Jesus then orthodox Christians. I don’t think Mormons are bad people they are just misguided and on a different path then the one I want to be on. It’s personal it’s not an attack against them or anything. I know they want to stop me out of love, but if they love me they will let me go.

I know this sounds weird but I think I was being set up for this time as I had to deal with a couple of Jehovah’s Witnesses earlier that day. I failed miserably I couldn’t even at least witness to them that I was comfortable with my faith. I couldn’t even say thank you for your interest but I am Christian. Can I say that to a Mormon missionary or whomever accosts me at home or over the telephone? They consider themselves Christians too, despite that most religious scholars say otherwise and have considerable evidence to prove their standpoint.

Also what is going to happen when Sue-Woman and Jim- Lady Man find out? Will they disown me? My aunt and uncle might be a bit PO’d as well. You know what though; it’s not for them to decide is it?

In regards to the disaster this blog has created. I edited all the posts in which I feel made any reference to anyone I know that was inappropriate. I am not going to write about anyone I know anymore. In fact as I know there are a lot of online readers I haven’t met. I am considering making this blog private again to ensure this nonsense and hurt can’t happen anymore. Therefore, if this happens you may need to request an invitation to read. Sorry this has to happen but I’m sick of the BS and grief it has caused me. I can’t be putting anymore people into therapy over what I write. I am truly sorry I hurt anyone and I know that I am not the only one hurting. The whole world is!

Melissa :)

P.S. Pretty Blue Eyes is officially no more! I’d rather have a Hawk Eyed Pearce or a Captain Kirk instead. Hmmmph!

All will be revealed

I found an interesting comment on my blog concerning my apology to an anonymous person (who wasn’t quite anonymous due to my curse of descriptiveness). So with out further adieu…

Here is the comment as follows…

Forgive me for I am not a writer and am not excellent at expressing myself. But this is no matter, I still have something to say.

What an awful apology. I know of all these people that you write about (as well as being one of them) and know that you would not be able to handle any of the awful words that you have said about them like they have since you started your blog.

I learnt a long time ago from the movie Bambi something very valuable; Thumper admits to his mother that you shouldn't say anything if you don't have anything nice to say. Also the bible tells us that we should do unto others as we would have done to us. Melissa I beg of you to delete the entirety of this blog so that the hurt, gossip, and need for constant apologies can stop.

An apology is so much more than just saying sorry - it means that the apologizer will also stop doing whatever it was that needed to be apologized for in the first place. But even after apologizing the hurtful words about others still contiues.

This whole situation has dampened my spirits for sometime now. All of the people that you have spoken about with hate have all worked hard to be a positive influences in your life and as this blog proves you have turned a blind eye to their kindness. Stop looking for annoyances, but instead look for the positive blessings that God gives you each day. I hope that you will soon be able to understand the hurt that you are causing. You are not the only one who is hurting and this venue for healing your pains is not the right one. Please know this and take it to heart.

And now it is my turn to reply:

Firstly, I will have you know Mr (and or) Ms. Anonymous Commenter who doesn’t even have the decency to reveal themselves to me in real life or on the comment itself, (unlike the friend who finally brought my misguided words it to my attention.) I started this blog way before I met anyone whom you say I am talking about. I started this blog October 2005 as a chronicle of my journey to Australia. It has since transcended my Australian adventures and is now a day to day account of my random musings.  I did not even know you then. You made it sound like I started this blog a few months ago, try a few years ago. When I started this blog, I never set out to hurt anyone or dampen anyone’s spirits. I set out to write, enough said. No malicious intent intended.

Yes the words were harmful I acknowledged that. I apologised to the persons involved She didn’t accept which was her right. I even apologised to God. I have written some pretty mean things about others too in the past. I apologised, should have learnt the first time but I did not. I am human sometimes people make mistakes and yes they should be lessons, but sometimes it’s easy to ignore, because its easier to forget the pain the mistakes have cost. Especially someone like me who likes to be honest and write what I want with out thinking.

You whole comment is blatantly contradicting throughout. Apparently this whole blog debacle was talked about behind my back. If you may remember I put a clear warning I was about to write stuff which people may find offensive….

“Warning: this entry will most likely incriminate myself!” – June 12 2010

I even wrote a further explanation about the entry the next day….

I knew what I was doing was wrong. I wasn’t doing it for vindication….its my blog I was frustrated over something irrational. I like to write what I think, what I feel, I have no sensors and the editing when I write (and when I talk) so it all comes out like vomit. I can’t stop it, it just comes out and this blog just happens to be my toilet bowl.

I also deleted the entry as a way to show I am sorry, but sadly the damage is done, it cannot be fixed completely, but at least I tried on my own terms. I am sorry but this is my blog and I am the one who decides if it will be deleted. I don’t think I have been hateful in anyway, just truthful.

You’re right you’re not a writer, but I am. I write because to me everything in life that I experience, every essence begs me to record it and to express it somehow or I seriously explode from madness. I have to write or I will wither inside. But, for someone who claims not to be good at expressing themselves you did a pretty good job of it.

You know what I will never write about them again because of the hurt I have caused them whether they even read it or not. And if you had enough balls like my friend who brought this to my attention you’d ask me who I was writing about her in the first place. Or like some who apparently were talking about this whole conundrum behind my back. If you think I was writing about you in any other entries, you are more then welcome to ask me to my face not hide behind the computer screen like a coward.

Thank you very much for your opinions. I have considered them as you can tell. I will leave it at that before I continue to rant. Also my friend Jo left you a lovely response to this on the entry perhaps you may like to read that as well.

P.S. I am apparently sound like a tattle tale! Dude something about this is so elementary school.

The Ultimate Designer!

God to me is the ultimate designer, a writer an artist, a scientist, an enigma.

He is the author of creation.

His words are more powerful then man, transcending generations.

Love everlasting beyond all comprehension

The holder of salvation

Like any great artist or novelist the world to Him was once like a blank piece of paper

Darkness waiting for light

Waiting for His words, His art, His wisdom

And with these talents He brought life.

All creation hand crafted

Our very image is reflected in Him.

An author knows all about their characters and who they are meant to be.

God knows everyone and who they will become!

Everywhere at once and with everyone at all times.

Intimately involved in there lives whether they admit it or not.

Those who know him long to know Him more,

The celebrate the truth of there being

A life with meaning, with out darkness

Whilst other refuse to acknowledge Him,

Hidden in the dark, never seeing the beauty of light

Refusing to see his signature inscribed on us, in the world we live.

Yet, nothing happens by chance,

Only fools say in there words and in there hearts God does not exist.

But,

God is the author of creation and salvation.

Our existence is absurd with out Him

P.S. It’s a poem I wrote for church service this Sunday, but the Pit-bull made me work. :( So I missed the reading of it.

A typical Tuesday?

OWE MY ENTIRE LEGS! They feel like lead weights. I’m surprised can even stand upright…Perhaps I should explain…

It all started like a typical Tuesday morning. You know the old routine, dragging my tired ass out of bed, having my daily coffee, which I have to have or as my roomie puts it I’ll ‘have one mother of a headache’ (stupid caffeine addiction!) Then I make my lunch, get dressed etc…the usual mundane things.

That day I was very anxious because I had to let some new cashiers shadow me, I am so anal retentive about my till that it was painful to let someone else do it, who clearly had no idea what they were doing. Also as it was my sign in number any mistake they make I’ll get the love letters (till audits) for. I made them bag mostly. I probably drove the newbie’s crazy.

For instance, I have to have my bills all facing the same way and my credit card receipts in a certain place in a neat little pile and I bagging merchandise for customers is a whole other story.… Do not put cleaner with food and keep the cold stuff together, THE END! I was so observant of everything, every mistake was magnified. One girl kept forgetting to scan stuff and when I told her she argued with me. I of course proved I was right. One girl that shadowed me was so scared she was shaking. I suggested she try the PA for a price check, so she could learn how it was done and she looked liked she was going to be sick. It didn’t help this cashier trainee also had really bad breath and/or body odour. It was torture. I am surprised I remained so patient on this typical Tuesday.

Then as I ended my shift….The Pit bull (Front End Manager) pulled me aside and told me I was going to be CSM (Customer Service Manager) yay! So my day ended really for once! Basically I was entirely promoted!

Since then I have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off. Everyone wants you at once and you are always moving, and then add my new endeavours of walking to work so I can get in shape. I could barely walk home. Strangely enough I like it!

P.S. I have a new place a new position at work, now all I need is a drivers licence a car and a boyfriend.

An entire apology for nothing!

In the words of Sarah Evans “Oh my goodness!”

I swear to God I keep contradicting myself because someone doesn’t like what I do, makes me feel bad and therefore I go against myself and apologise for being honest (about a anonymous person by the way.)

I deleted the “Poisonous Secret” entry because it turns out…

Anonymous girl whom I wrote rather nasty things about hadn’t even read it. So to save future damage to this girls feelings whom I realise isn’t a bad person intelligence or not.

Pretty Blue Eyes caught me in my attempt to be brave and say I am sorry. So I was upfront and honest and told him what had happened and said I had to apologise to her. He said something quite the opposite.

Pretty Blue Eyes: Why the furrowed brow?

Me: Oh no reason. I just wrote some nasty comments about such and such on my blog! I am way to honest when I write sometimes and it backfires.

Pretty Blue Eyes: Oh really? (Something along those lines)

Me: Now I think I have to apologise and its way harder then it sounds.

Pretty Blue Eyes: No doubt about it…

Me: I feel really bad…such and such told me and it made me cry so I knew it was wrong… (I was careful not to mention it was about him and her, although I had the sneaky suspicion he does know on some level due to his acute intelligence in certain matters.)

Pretty Blue Eyes: Have you deleted it?

Me: No! I figured the damage has already been done!

Pretty Blue Eyes: (Laughs that weird silent laugh when he is highly amused with something I have said) Maybe you should delete it so no more damage can be done.

Me: I guess

Pretty Blue Eyes: Maybe don’t even tell her about your blog, because you could be causing unnecessary hurt.

Me: But such and such implied she had read it! (Turns out it was just my overactive imagination telling me she had!)

Pretty Blue Eyes: Well I guess you have to do what you have to do.

Put it this way, apology wasn’t accepted. I went to apologise and it was hell of an awkward situation because she didn’t even know what I was talking about just like Pretty Blue Eyes suggested.

Me: Hi I don’t know if you’ve read my blog, but I felt it was important to apologise to you about what I had written about you, which was rather hurtful.

Girl: (Awkwardly) Ah OK? I’ve never read it!

Me: (awkward moment arrives, my friend Chris would say this is the moment a gay baby is born…) Well I thought I would say sorry anyways just in case. I deleted it so no further damage can be done.

Girl: Well what did you write?

Me: (Oh fucking hell! You that you were a twat, blabedy blah nothing too horrible) Uh well I was having these nightmares where I was very mean to you and I wrote about it.

Girl: Well what is it about? (She asked me several times actually)

Me: It wasn’t very nice at all! I deleted to save you from further hurt or embarrassment.

Girl: So you’re not even comfortable to tell me? (She said that a lot too!)

Me: Nooooo…(Not a Philis Philmore type of no by the way.) (Oh my God this is painfully awkward!) You really don’t want to know.

Girl: I am going to wonder now? Why won’t you tell me?

Me: It was all about irrational jealousy…

Girl: (obviously even more confused) about what?

Me: Oh you know random stuff! (I should have just said it was about my presumptions about her and Pretty Blue Eyes.)

Girl: Well I wish I could say apology accepted but I don’t even know what you are talking about and you won’t tell me…

Me: Ask such and such…I can send it too you if you really want to read it! I mean I didn’t even use your name.

Girl: So why are you apologising?

Me: Oh this is so painfully awkward…because I wrote about you!

So it kind of ended there…after agonising minute after minute of perpetual confusion and gay babies being born….(50 or more had to have been brought into this world.) she was really nice about it and everything. And I don’t feel mean jealous feelings anymore. At least now I can say I am not two-faced. I also I learnt I wish I kept my feelings between Pretty Blue Eyes and I. Kept it private where it belonged now its just a big mess. I wish I hadn’t listened to my friend about this either, even though she meant well. At least I’ve attempted to make it right with the universe and God!

Pretty Blue Eyes summed it up when he said “It wasn’t like you are the best of friends anyways so at least you can get over it.” He also said I had balls for being forward and apologising as well as having an ego boost because he was all knowing and right about this in the first place. Why didn’t I just tell him what happened a week ago! His advice usually pans out even if I feel like a twat in the process.

Ah matters of the heart will they ever end?

P.S. I’m making banana blueberry muffins woot!

Cheeseburger Cookies!

Another night at the library...(whilst my computer is off being repaired!) mostly to escape the heat outside and to have some alone time to think. Its becoming a habit. I am a habitual reoccurring character who graces the presence of the small town library. I get a lot of books here. In fact I think they know all the authors I like, because I continually harass them about the lack of Robert Rankin books there is not a single one in this entire library! THE ENTIRE LIBRARY! I have to get an interlibrary loan and if I take longer then 3 weeks and want to renew them and I have more then one book well I know for a fact the library will get pissy with me. It's the same thing with Christopher Moore! Except they only had 2 of his books, luckily now more have arrived but by the time they became part of the regular catalogue here I had to make numerous interlibrary loans rah! It only took a missing book from the Acorna series (because for some reason they think its proper to have all the books except the second) I discovered I could borrow from other libraries. Too bad I didn't realise this when I was pretty much going crazy because they didn't have the Thursday Next series by Jasper Fforde. They only have his newest book, but they are still very much Jasper deprived!

Too bad I discovered a new author I like. They know this because I brought six books at once!

The author is Joanne Fluke, she satisfies both of my interests, reading and baking....Her series of Hannah Swensen books are about a baker/sleuth from Lake Eden Minnesota who somehow always manages to come across murder victims. They all had it coming too for either being a complete not-wat or seducing the whole of the towns married men or just pissing off the wrong people, which pretty much implicates a lot of people in town. Anyways Hannah always manages to solve the case, whilst baking for her shop, handing two men, a cat and dealing with mother who kind of reminds me of Sue-Woman who is insistent in marrying her off. I can usually figure out who did it which is a bit annoying but I really only read the books for the recipes...which I attempted like blueberry muffins, cookies (which yield way more then I can eat) and these which I sooooo want to make someday.

They are cheeseburger cookies! YUMMY!

Anyways, does the library have all 13 books in the series....no they do not. I found 8. I have six taken out and ready to read...Therefore I should either stop reading series or grumble some more as always. Or arrive at the lovely front desk and make another interlibrary loan request and confirm more then once that they do not HAVE the books here. The library calls me more about books which have come in for me only a close second Hev-Lady, my work is in third place...

P.S. The heat is not so fun...It seems like summer came out of nowhere.

Pit-Bulls Me and Mormonism Part 3

Today started off rather intrusively.

Roommate: Melissa! Melissa!

Me: Huh?

Roommate: (probably pissed off because its 8:20 in the morning) Melissa! Phone!

Me: (stirs a little…as I am still waking up) Uh?

Roommate: Melissa! Phone! Phone! PHONE!

Me: Oh!…(answers)

Pit-bull (manger from work, don’t worry it’s an affectionate nickname): Hi Melissa sorry to call you so early. I was wondering if you’d like a shift today…at 10:30?

Me: (Wooh hooo They gave me more than 30 seconds notice) Sure!

Pit-bull: You’ll really take it! (sounded like a kid arriving at the candy store, too bad she is diabetic :P)

Me: Yes! (Poor roommate did NOT look happy to be woken up.)

Anyways if it wasn’t for the Pit-bull calling me in….I wouldn’t have used the extra time to send off my letter to the Mormon Church with my name removal request…Woot! I sent it express too! After I kept struggling to get the address right, (I was nervous so sue me.) In fact I had an odd conversation with the post-lady she couldn’t understand that even if you stop going to Mormon Church you’re still a member.

Post-Lady: Express is just as cheaper then registered mail.

Me: OK. Why not I’ve been putting this off for too long.

Post-Lady: So do they have member records on genealogy?

Me: (Oh crap I ran into one of them) Uh I think so? You’re not a member are you? Because I am sending off a letter to remove my name from their records…

Post-Lady: No I am just doing family research I heard they have a lot of genealogical records.

It went on for a while before she finally stopped pestering me about it.

So in a few days either I am no longer a member or the harassment begins.

P.S. I think my friends are right when they say I shouldn’t sensor myself, but it doesn’t mean its right to hurt someone’s feelings.

A red sweater apology!

Dear readers of the universe, people I have offended, people I love,

This isn’t really a proper apology; more of an explanation maybe even a question I must solve on my own.

I have been had. I can’t even wear the right sweater! My red one is too old, but I love my red sweater. I can’t even write anything with out it coming under scrutiny even if it is deserved, but I love writing. I feel like I am under attack because I don’t live up to peoples expectations. I don’t feel like they want me too. I don’t do what they want me too. I am not an individual if I live at home with Hev-Lady. Maybe I am just wasting my time trying to appease other people’s standards, when really I should use my own.

I digress:

A friend of mine figured out who I was writing about earlier…regarding the nightmares about someone and other things as well.

Things better kept private to myself. This is of course is in regards to some truthful, damaging and subjective opinions on someone that I don’t really know, but for some reason I am irrationally jealous of. Just because I have it in my brain she likes the same guy I do.

I know that I am doing it and I sit at my computer and watch the poisonous words flow out on to screen with a care of who I am hurting. I know its wrong but I do it anyways. I don’t care it’s not like I am taking a dagger and stabbing them in the back physically, but it’s written out for everyone to see. I was writing my feelings out of selfishness because apparently I feel I am so special everyone must know how I hate this or hate that.

The venom which seeps from my fingers to the keyboard is not just limited to this one person, but many others, some anonymous and some not so secret. (Think Hev-Lady. Joan)

The moment I knew I was caught in my double faced activities I was instantaneously filled with warm dread and fear. I felt horrible! How could I dillude myself into thinking that the person I was winging about would never read it?

Friend: You have such a gift for writing and your creativity astounds me.

Me: Oh thank you? (I think I was bashful about it.)

Friend: But then I read things on your blog that is brilliant but not so nice. I think higher of you so it saddened me to read it because I know you are better then that.

Me: I have a bad habit of being a bit to honest….(starting to feel uncomfortable, perhaps even the sneaky suspicion I was being buttered up for an enormous blow of some sort) what do you mean exactly?

Friend: Did you want to talk about it now?

Me: Whenever?

Friend: I know who you were writing about someone from our group found it and pointed it out to me. I know you were writing about…

Me: (No point in denying it) Yes but it wasn’t meant to be taken offensively. I was just writing what I think.

Friend: Yes but you used words like twat!

Me: I feel really bad…that would explain why she avoids me.

It went on like this for awhile….and well… I thank this friend for her honesty, but now I am ashamed and she was supportive and told me I should make it right, etc… I ended up walking home crying in the rain because I couldn’t get my point across and because I know what I did was wrong and felt very guilty about it. Very depressing.

It’s irony because I dreamt about this conversation with this person and I am exposed. I don’t like it, but then again…

No one likes know that you don’t like them written on the a very public space, to be called a twat, told they dress like a hooker or have everyone know I think they are not the brightest crayons in the box (lacking intelligence) or be called a second hand refurbished car which is basically (this is referring to the distasteful car analogy regarding virginity.) to make it known that I subscribe to the harsh patriarchal judgements regarding a females virginity, which by the way is a myth. It doesn’t make a girl any more or less then a person…it’s really just a way to suppress a female’s sexual power. Even if in my mind I think its true, doesn’t make it right or true, it just makes it subjective and cruel.

I tried to explain to this friend it was my feelings they weren’t meant to hurt anyone. I just wanted to get them out in the open. I tried writing it privately, praying about it, talking to someone impartial which was very hard to do by the way. The best I got was someone who disliked this person just as much, which was kind of unhealthy and I knew it would backfire. The nightmares have stopped! I feel freer from the jealousy because now it is out there. Now there is no secret its not weighing me down.

But damn it interpretation is a bitch! Subjective as well, which is why it made perfect sense to me when Roland Barthes said there are no author only readers? This is also why I have some anxiety over language because nothing will ever be read the same way. It’s a instrument I have no control over. I have no control over how anyone is going to read this blog once its public, my original intention to just vent and share my writing for whomever wants to read it, could be taken to be mean spirited, which of course I am not saying it isn’t! So now everyone knows that not only do I not like this person I am jealous because of her relationship with someone else and apparently it is being taken as a personal attack. When really (and I must insist) it isn’t!

I seem to make lovely messes in the act of my writing. Bluntness is my enemy, but I like it. I like being honest when I write, sometimes to the point my honesty is warped into harpoon gun of nastiness. It’s like if you piss me off I may not tell you too your face but you can surely read about it in my blog then you will know how much I entirely want to punch you in the face or verbally attack you, etc. I don’t care if anyone gets hurt until it’s too late. Maybe I haven’t learnt?

I am just so frustrated with myself and others that I bottle up everything so I can viciously attack people. Those nasty dreams I had about this girl should have stayed in my proper journal not on the web. I would delete these entries (there are other about this person), but it is kind of redundant seeing as it has been up for a while and the damage is done. I didn’t do it to hurt this girl. I did it to vent my frustrations. I was being selfish and wanted to vent. I am guilty as charged! I pretty much asked for it.

Do you think I like being jealous? Jealousy is powerful. Like it says in Proverbs 14: 30: “A peaceful heart leads to a healthy body but jealousy is like cancer in the bones.” Bare in mind however feelings are normal! Some you cannot control and it makes you do stupid things like writing mean things on the Internet.

I wish I could say there is such thing as freedom of speech and expression, but there isn’t. Yes I can write whatever I want with out a monetary value or risk being locked away in jail, but there is a price to pay. Someone has hurt feelings because of me. I have guilt that I can feel to the very core of my heart. I have to deal with the embarrassment of my subjectivity and somehow try to apologise to this person face to face. Which will be entirely awkward…”Oh I am sorry I don’t like you? I never meant to hurt you. I did like such and such but if you like him it’s OK. I may not like it but it’s OK. I was might still be jealous that is my problem not yours…” you get the picture!

P.S. To add to the irony I am wearing the red sweater. I WILL not be getting a new one either! I am the one wearing it not you so tough beans. I love my red sweater.

P.S.S: I am sorry!

Resignation! Me and Mormonism Part 2

I am officially sending a resignation letter some time this week to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  I await the results with much anxiety. I know there are others who are going through a similar process. It’s taken some time to write what I want to say…Thanks to the Internet and supportive friends from my church there were plenty of resources to aid me in this. I may not be fully Christian but at least I know I will no longer have to be tied to something I have long since rejected.

I suggest you visit these sites for further reference: It is actually quite interesting.

ExMormon.org

Leaving the church...by Richard Packham

Name removal and such...

Here is my letter as follows: Any input would be lovely, but not necessary. And for anyone out there this may help as an example of what the letter should look like and what needs to be include.

Dear Sirs,

This letter is to you officially inform you of my resignation from membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, effective immediately. With my resignation I voluntarily sever all my relationship to the church.

I have not attended Church regularly since I was 13. In fact I was only an active member for a few months after my baptism in April 1998 whilst I was living in Lethbridge Alberta Canada. I soon fell away from it after I realised it was not for me.

The truth is I don’t know if I believed The Church of Jesus Christ of Later Day Saints. Never once did I fully read The Book of Mormon, except Sunday school. The missionaries who taught me encouraged me to pray with sincerity concerning the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon, citing a verse in its closing book: Moroni 10:4.

I never read past 1Nephi. I had no desire to read it. That should have been a sign to me right there the church was not right for me, but as I had a desire to please my family and find a way to Jesus at the time I felt it was the right thing to do.

Sadly I never had a testimony of The Church or Joseph Smith, which is paramount to the LDS faith but I do have a testimony of Jesus Christ, which is what I believe to be much more substantial to my salvation. I am building a foundation for a relationship and my faith in Him is growing. Since beginning my journey to fully know Him learning the truth of Christianity I believe it’s important to sever my ties to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

I assure you that I do not take this step lightly. I have devoted a good deal of thought, prayer and study, over a considerable period of time, (which for me was 10 years!) to this matter, and I am firm and irreversible in my decision to end my membership and I will not change my mind.

I therefore request you to make the necessary changes in the church membership records to indicate that I am no longer a member. I am familiar with the procedures as outlined in the Church Handbook of Instructions, and I request that you fill out and forward the necessary administrative forms as soon as possible. I am aware that according to church doctrine this cancels all blessings, baptisms, ordinations, promises, covenants, and my hope of exaltation in the celestial kingdom, and I have made my decision with that consideration well in mind.

I request that no one representing the church contact me for any reason other than to confirm that my request is being processed. Please state the "reason for leaving." "At member's request" or "Doctrinal reasons," since that is my reason. I am not leaving the church because of some personal matter or insult, or because I have "sinned" or am unable to "keep the commandments.

I request that my name removal request be forwarded to the stake president in accordance with the Church Handbook of Instructions. Please inform him that I waive the thirty-day waiting period during which the stake president may hold the request in order to give me the opportunity to revoke. Please ask the stake president if possible to notify me when he has forwarded my request to church headquarters if possible.

I have friends and family who are Latter Day Saints and I hold no ill will towards them, so please do not take this letter as a personal attack towards your faith. This has weighed heavily on my conscience for many years and I feel it’s not fair to be a member of a faith I do not truly believe in. By severing ties I feel I will be able to see Jesus for who he truly is.

Thank you for your courtesy in honouring my request

Yours truly,

Melissa

I shall keep you updated…

Hmmmm…?

An encounter with a white cardigan like shirt I have aquired for some reason inspired a Philis and Ashleigh story…but now I am too tired to write it so I shall hopefully have it ready next time.

P.S. I am reading Pride and Prejudice. Mr. Darcy is rude!

A poisonous secret!?

THIS POST HAS BEEN DELETED Despite the fact the damage has been done! If anyone wants to read the original post I have it still, not that I would recommend it. I go back on my decisions all the time. I do not however apologise for my feelings. They are real however irrational they are.

Melissa :)

I want to eat your face!

2010 is all about changes. New house, new bus schedule, new roommates, etc.

Well moving has definitely been an adventure. For starters I am living in a rich neighbourhood. I never thought that would happen. I’ve visited such neighbourhoods, have friends who live in them but never have I been a resident. It just seems too nice to be true. I’ve officially been moved into my new digs a week now. I am still not to sure about it, but at the same time it feels like I have been here way longer.

I am really curious, where the expression “It’s not rocket science!” come from. I seem to say this frequently in terms of random interactions with people.

It’s like the mad scientist in the science fiction movie who brings a hostile being onto a space ship and is quite convinced it is not hostile even when it sings “I want to eat your face.” I mean seriously…

This was just way to funny not to share….



P.S. Ice cream is my vice.

The sunburnt tale…

One upon a time on a fiery yet beautiful Sunday afternoon a fair skinned nerdy (not weird or retarded anymore) girl was forced into labouring in a garden by a robust heavy set well tanned gardening type middle aged female of the mom variety. Fair skinned girl has skin as white as snow and having her head in the clouds as she usually does forgot to bring…

A: A hat

B: Sunscreen (SPF 50 or more I kid you not…)

T’was a silly mistake because she knows that she does not tan she BURNS! This was followed by a enormous headache from lack of hat but a very nasty burn. The next two days after were very painful and on the third day as she was healing she became very itchy. You think after the monumental sunburn nearly four years ago in Australia where her skin blistered because of it and took a week to heal she’d remember such a simple item as sunscreen? Apparently not!

This fair skinned girl is me! And the gardening mom is of course Hev-Lady. So what did I learn from this experience? To bring sunscreen, wear a hat and that gardening isn’t so bad despite the creepy tent caterpillars landing on me yuck!

Anyways I put vitamin e on it, but my dog Sydney kept licking it off…it went somewhat like this.

Me: Owe my entire arms!’

Sydney: Sniff sniff….hmmm this seems to taste good.

Me: Arghgghghgh! Go away Sydney!

So I tried Aloe Vera and the same thing happened. He followed me around giving me a lickin’ for being a bad girl and forgetting sunscreen.

And a big thing I learnt but probably already know people sure love to state the fucking obvious. I am at work and my arms are bright red no thanks to the fluorescent lighting. I think every single customer mentioned my sunburn or asked me what happened when it was blatantly obvious. I just smiled and nodded and of course they wanted to know how I got the lovely burn. Did I go to the lake? Or perhaps did I fall asleep outside? Etc, etc… What really made it all worth while was when some guy thought it would be funny to poke me and when I said owe he laughed and told me to use Aloe Vera. Then the next day a customer patted me on the arm on my sunburn. It hurt I said owe. He laughed and said sorry and continued to pat my arm. Arghhh! Is it me or some people too stupid to be let out in public?

I really don’t know what else to write about….

P.S. I moved house!

Dirty Old Randomness

In a few weeks I will be embarking on a whole new adventure. No more Hev-Lady! I shall out on my own as well as some much need privacy. I kid you not I am moving because my current room has no door. There is some nice green vinyl blinds and a curtain I attacked to keep the light out at night. No door means no privacy as sometimes I’ll be in the middle of getting dressed and my mother swings the curtains/blinds wide open to talk about toot (more often then not) and then there is noise because Hev-Lady stays up till all hours sometimes and all I hear is the TV. I will also finally have my bed sans dog and cat, not that I do not enjoy there company, but I’d like to stretch around with out an pregnant old lady dog grunting at me or hear the dog snore continuously. On a positive note I think if I ever married a snorer now I’d be able to handle it. My only space is a sardine can…I can’t wait to upgrade.

This of course means I am endeavouring to get rid or my collection of things I no longer need. Surprisingly I have been able to with minimal reluctance either donate stuff or throw it out all together. When I was 17 till about 23 I went through a phase where I really liked saving pictures from magazines for collages or just having them. I threw out a whole pile of them. I saved rocks. ROCKS! And marbles, small floor tiles, old buttons, toys, fabric, etc. I just collected the random stuff!

And for more randomness I don’t think I am quite over Pretty Blue Eyes some days. I don’t feel gushy for him or anything I am just more annoyed that I even bothered.

I finally finished some more of Fizzy Lemonade yesterday… It’s about as random as my junk collection.

P.S. Today was beautiful! But I had to work :(

A mere update for the sake of it

Tis been a long absence of late…

Not much has happened really, except baking banana blueberry muffins of all awesomeness, scones of equal deliciousness, working, sleeping, sewing and writing a bit here and there.

When I am baking I feel productive, when I write and sew I feel relaxed, when I work I feel restless and when I am sleeping I have some pretty fucked up dreams.

Writing about such banal activities seems so self-centred.

Anyways, I am moving out of home FINALLY! I will officially be thrown back into the whole roommate (flatmate) situation except this time I already know who I will be living with and they are also pretty cool people.

The only downside is…my dog and cat cannot come with me, but it was either dog or cat, stay insane in this stuck-like situation or pass off opportunity to grow away from it.

P.S. I don’t think I am cut out for Christianity some days.

Bad attitude?!

Sorry for the absence…I have been busy. I tired, brought on by two jobs, a nagging mother, demanding dogs, crazy cats and a brother who is obsessed with Harry Potter.

So I will take this opportunity to let off some frustration.

Let’s see I think at both jobs I successfully made a tool out of myself…

Firstly by getting annoyed at another bitchy cashier who I am convinced is an entire twat now!

Another day at the express lane I am confined to the brig with Twinkly Eyed Twinkle Twat, (cashier) customers approach, 2001 A Space Odyssey plays just for dramatic effect…Star Trek Lady awaits direction from the cashiers…

Me: (jokingly) Hey did you want the customers!

Cashier: (pushes the queuing button, then grumbly bitchy like) I don’t see you working why should I?

Star Trek – Lady: Please proceed to register…

Me thinking: wtf!

Me: (just to prove I do work too) I’ll help bag!

Cashier: (scan, scan, scan completely ignoring me,) THEY WANT THEIR MILK IN A BAG! (throws bags at me!)

Me thinking: Fuck you too!

Me: No problem

Customer: Oh thank you so much for helping us bag

Me: No problem it comes with the job I am working! Oh I help the next person over at my till here!

Cashier: (glares)

Me thinking: Bitch!

Later on…

Me: (Observing Twinkie talking to another cashier. I push the button.)

Star Trek – Lady: Please proceed to register…

Me: (loudly but since my voice is so soft I was not heard, which is a good thing.)I guess I am working now, so should you!

Cashier: (ignores me)

Customers: Uh….

Me: She accused me of not working I am making a point!

Customers: Good for you.

Me: It has really fired me up some, please don’t think I am mad at you.

Customers: No problem…you always doing a good job when we come through your till.

Me: Exactly she is just being a twat!

Customers: (laughs.) You go girl!

Me: So!

I ummm repeated this for over half my shift…I went into a dastardly tirade. As well as avoiding contact with the evil fiend.

Then at job number two:

I could not pick up the pace. It was my only fourth shift and I am pokey ass slow! It was implied if I didn’t get faster soon, then I was doomed. DOOMED! I think I am just doomed period.

Then during dinner rush, (when all the fatties rock in for some greasy grub) I got fed up with a cocky 16 year old boy bossing me around and talking to me like I knew fuck all. I said so…except I got his age wrong by two years…oh poor him. He was less annoying after that. I did apologise if I came across the wrong way and that I was joking.

I hate people lately…they just piss me off…this doesn’t include supervisors at both jobs making me feel like a tool either or my mom’s friend Erica crying when I say something the wrong way, then Hev-Lady rubs it in.

Life is good. It just my attitude with is stupid! Therefore I think life is stupid! Stupid, stupid, stupid!

THE END!

P.S. I bought Tony Harry Potter 6 computer game he nearly broke my ear drums when I told him the news. He seems to be one individual I don’t want to punch in the face lately.

God?

I find this video insightful. :)

P.S. Today I lament not bringing a snack. I am very hungry….

More Rankin and thoughts Absurdism

Ah yes Mondays the start of a new week!

I finally finished Fandom of the Operator by Robert Rankin. Ah yes I forgot to thank my friend Jo for introducing me to this bizarre author.

The thing with his books you must approach each story with an open mind and be prepared for outright randomness, like finding out 3/4 Fandom of the Operator, the main character Gary Charlton Cheese is a serial killer. The same main character who I admired for his in-depth look at life and death? Who I admit was a bit obsessed with his favourite author a total sociopath and has a knack for Voodoo. However, he is, but isn’t responsible for his horrifying crimes or behaviour? Like any book I have read by Rankin so far it all comes into perfect clarity at the end.

Anyways the meaning of this entry is to explain why I am leaning towards the philosophy of absurdism and its not because of reading Robert Rankin although part of it is. I was first introduced to the philosophy in uni my last year in Australia during the class called the Modern Novel. It was after I read The Outsider by Albert Camus where I had the moment, where one thinks that makes sense to me. Therefore, I became interested in the ideas of Theistic Existentialism and Absurdism, mostly the later.

If I stop and think about it, to me life is absurd! Especially if it has no meaning and the search for meaning (if there is none to begin with) is absurd. The very fact there is a people aware of there surroundings and the planet has to have a reason of some sort. People must have meaning to exist otherwise its absurd. Is this were religion comes in?

Having meaning in our life is not essential because it is absurd, that that’s not to say it can’t be meaningful. If the sole point of the world is to be aware of the Earth, life, live morally, create art, etc and there is no point to it then why? But the search for meaning although absurd in fact creates meaning in a sense.

We can never know if there is a life after death because no one has really come back and explained it all? Unless you’re Christian then of course Jesus rose from the dead and proved it.

The Earth could not just happen with the big bang theory. There had to be a big banger? But who is this big banger? The world in all its wonders and complexity could not just appear out of nowhere? There had to be an intelligent designer of some sort. But who is this designer? The whole search and theories of this is absurd because one can never know. They can speculate and maybe say they know, but really can they?

However it’s all these absurdities that help me to believe in God because without some sort of meaning life is absurd. Mind you believing in God is absurd because I can never know it completely unless I met the (Trinitarian) man upstairs and asked him the meaning of life. But what if it wasn’t what I expected and even God doesn’t know? Then it really would be absurd wouldn’t it?

P.S. I am off to see the Tony Man Features today!

Reading Robert Rankin

Lately I’ve been reading Robert Rankin, who is ultimately in my mind the kind of author when I read his stuff my initial reaction is wtf? Rankin’s writing reminds me of techniques and ideas I have thought of and would like to try. He is bloody brilliant! So far I have read three of his books, The Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of the Apocalypse, The Toyminator and Nostradamus Ate My Hamster and I am now starting The Fandom of the Operator.

For instance, Nostradamus Ate My Hamster is a nonsensical book which finally has some clarification at the end. It follows Russell Nice, who works at a dead end job at a prop house for movies. When his friend Morgan tells him the story of Jim Pooley and John O’Mally and the disappearance of the Flying Swan a local pub in Brentford, Russell begins a mad quest to find it. Hence he is met with a former sex therapist/dancer/barmaid named Julie, Adolph Hitler’s appearance in the 1990’s via time travel, an insect devil like alien which who steals peoples time in order to live, the discovery of holographic machine called the Cyberstar which can make projections of real life stars, followed by the making of a movie using said machine to convert people to the insect devil guy and trying to save the world from a Nazi, robot like future.

For instance I wonder if one would question the sanctity of an author who makes Adolph Hitler one of the main antagonists in his work Nostradamus Ate My Hamster for humours sake. He is apparently brought to the 1990s via time travel and looks just like the pictures from the 1940s. Russell ‘who was called in existence to be the hero’ nearly has a heart attack when he seems him at the local pub the Bricklayers Arms in Brentford. (As any logical person would do.)

I must give full props to Rankin for his absurd imagination. At least I know that I am not the only one out there who can spiel off utter nonsense and make it into something engaging. His writing can be a bit redundant sometimes as he’ll go on a tangent about why something is such a way, (probably for humour’s sake?)I keep reading just to see what he will come up with next. His books are well worth the read. J

P.S. I am leaning towards the philosophy of Absurdism...

Me and Mormonism Part 1

DISCLAIMER: Some readers may find this entry offensive so read at your own risk…I am pretty sure some people I know may find this blog via facebook as can be proven by the anonymous commenter. I also know there are others lurking about whom I’ve never met and could be offended by this. Please bear in mind this is my opinion.

Also take note due to the length of my experiences and ideas on this subject…this may be a multipart series…starting with my story as follows

This has been on my heart and mind for quite some time….The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints mostly known as Mormons and Christianity. Which of these experiences with religion is the ultimate obsolete objective truth? And if there such a truth. What is truth? If truth is subjective can it be objective? I’m still attempting this one so bear with me.

For the past couple of weeks I have researched Mormonism and today Seventh Day Adventists. It has opened my eyes to not what I think is true but what I know to be false. I’ll make this clear I don’t think I ever truly believed in Mormonism or understood what it was ever.

So today I have decided to write a formal resignation letter to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (Mormons). I think I would feel much better spiritually if I do this . I’ve fully rejected Mormonism but I feel I need to do this. I’ve been doing some research into it and I found the template to write the letter, etc, but most of it deals with de-converting and becoming atheist or agnostic.

Firstly I should start off with my experience with in the Mormon religion and religion in general to show how I came to this prolific decision. I remember when I was young between 4 and 8 often attending Mormon church with my grandmother (my mom’s step mother my readers may have seen her referenced as Sue-Woman) and right around this time my mom converted to Seventh Day Adventist. Being a child I was inclined and somewhat expected to go with what the only adult role-model in my life at the time which was my mom and soon my step father who I have issues with and will never discuss publicly. I was raised both Seventh Day Adventist and some-what Mormon. This was the start of serious religious confusion because both have different beliefs on what it means to be a Christian. I was told what to believe and how to believe, but never asked to find out for myself till now. I even told others they had to believe too because I thought I was supposed too.

When I was 9 I lived with my brothers devout Seventh Day Adventist grandparents due to circumstances I don’t think it’s proper to write here, (for those who know me you may ask or I have already told you) Hence they (not the church they are affiliated with) had me terrified of the end of times prophesised in Revelations. I had nightmares about reincarnation and I was constantly told other religions and other denominations of Christianity were bad. I still remember my step grandmother’s library or anti-Mormon and anti Catholic literature. When I visited my grandmother (Sue-Woman) during this time period I yet again was forced to go to Mormon church except this time instead of daydreaming or not really paying attention to it I brought with me the distain and hate my step-grandparents taught me in just a short while. I kept thinking WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! Before I went back to live with my mom permanently I was considering baptism and reading over lessons for it, but it never happened. For this I am thankful because I won’t have to worry about my attachment to this as much.

When I was 13 during one of my visits to my grandmother (Sue-Woman) I was dragged to church. Except this time I listened on some level…I think this time I wanted to believe in something big then myself or wanting a sense of belonging. I expressed wanting to go to church to my grandmother who was thrilled. So when I came back home in September my aunty contacted some church members nearby who agreed to let me come with them to church. I was called an investigator and I was aware my mom was not pleased by this but strangely I didn’t care. In fact I was encouraged by the fellow members at my ward to bring my mom an inactive member back.

I don’t know if I believed in Mormonism. I never once properly read The Book of Mormon, except Sunday school. In fact Mormons often challenge new comers to pray with sincerity concerning the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon, citing a verse in its closing book:

"And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost" Moroni 10:4

I never ever, ever did that! NEVER! I couldn’t get past reading 1Nephi. I had no urge to read it. That should have been a sign to me right there.

Months after attending both church and church groups such as Young Women’s and functions I agreed to meet with Mormon Missionaries. Here is where it gets interesting. I met with two male missionaries called Elders, they usually come in twos, (like Noah’s Ark, Ned Flanders Ark too :P)

My brother was also in the hospital at this time for a leg injury, which I felt (still do a little bit, which I shouldn’t) responsible for. (He fell off a slide at a jungle gym.) I was having issues with my mother as well. I remember looking forward to the talks by the missionaries because it took my mind off the troubles at hand and the unneeded guilt I had. I considered it story telling and fact like. I remembered everything and I remembered the missionaries Elder Thompson and Elder Gaylord (yes that was his name) being really impressed when I could spout off the facts of the church, whether I believed it was another story. In fact this should have been a sign right here, one day they brought another Elder who would be taking over for another one and they discussed the three kingdoms of heaven and I of course I blabbered them all in perfect order, (Celestial, Telestial and Terrestrial ) but when I was asked which one I should strive for I jokingly said “It doesn’t matter!” I remember the look of pure shock on their faces. I quickly said Celestial because that’s the one all Mormons hope to go provided you did everything required of you in this life time, celestial marriage, good works, etc.

Then one day as I was off to the hospital to visit my brother and one of the Elders handed me a sheet saying when my baptism was. Instantly fear struck me. I wasn’t asked if I wanted too. I was too scared to say wait a minute or better yet NO! But sadly I decided to go along with it because I thought I had too if I wanted salvation.

Shortly before I was baptised about a day or two I was interviewed by an Elder who did not do the talks with me, which is a requirement to see if I was fit for baptism (I think), I found out from my grandma (Sue-Woman) I was supposed to be interview by a Sister (a female missionary) in fact I should have been taught by two Sisters. The missionaries who taught me explained to me I would be asked some very hard questions, but  I did not know they would be questions such as….

Have you murdered anyone?

Have you had premarital sex?

Have you had sex with the same sex?

Apparently all your sins are washed away after baptism, so it wouldn’t matter, but they had too. I just remember these ones for some reason. I was 13 years old! Tough questions indeed! These questions haunted me for a long time!

I remember right to the moment before my baptism, that I did NOT want to do it, yet my aunty found me and prayed with me because that is their the answer to everything. I don’t even remember the exact date or anything. You think if I truly believed I would remember such an occasion. I felt horrible afterwards and that’s when the night terrors began….I know my mom could have helped stop this from happening as she had to sign a waiver saying I was allowed to get baptised. I don’t blame her for this at all. I thought I wanted too, she wanted me to be happy and this is a big one, my Mormon family members I am sure would have given her shit if she didn’t. I didn’t find out till about 5 year later she had serious reservations about this.

Anyways, not even year later after I was baptised I had to move to a different part of town. So facing the prospect of having to meet new people and my growing uncertainty with Mormonism I became inactive…of course after this I was found by the ward where I lived. Believe me they no how to find people who don’t want to be found, just read over my experience in Australia. This is one of the reasons I want to remove myself from membership. I want to be left in peace. I went to this ward once after that, but I was still somewhat included in Young Women’s group, went camping etc. Fun times? Yes and no.

I know I have renounced Mormonism 100 times over and asked God to not count it as a full on commitment but I still feel burdened by it and guilty for it. I keep telling myself I am on the right path now, but I need it in writing so I know I am no longer tied to them.

P.S. I made it my utmost duty to refrain from sarcasm due to the seriousness of this entry.

Off with the Oatmeal Cookies

For the last few months I have developed a hobby for baking, mainly cookies and muffins. I am thinking of attempting scones, but never again cinnamon buns. (Those were a disaster!) Where do these delicious homemade junk food end up? In the stomachs of Hev-Lady, Tony, Pretty Blue Eyes, me, unsuspecting victims at church.

This is what the oatmeal cookie recipe is supposed to look like….

Oatmeal Cookies

Prep: 15 minutes, Bake 9 – 11 minutes per sheet. Makes about 3 dozen

2/3 cup granulated

2/3 cup packed brown sugar

1/2 cup butter or stick margarine softened.

1/2 cup shortening

1 teaspoon baking soda

1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

1 teaspoon vanilla

1/2 teaspoon baking powder

1/2 teaspoon salt

2 large eggs

3 cups quick-cooking or old fashioned oats

1 cup all purpose flour

1 cup raisins, chopped nuts or semisweet chocolate chips, if desired

1. Heat oven to 375 degrees
2. Beat all ingredients except oats, flour and raisins in large bowl with electric mixer on medium speed or mix with spoon. Stir in oats, flour and raisins.
3. Drop dough by rounded tablespoonfuls about 2 inches apart onto un-greased cookie sheet.
4. Bake 9 – 11 minutes until light brown. Immediately remove from cookie sheet to wire rack or plate.

End result: Betty Crocker cookies of the good little wifey variety. Mmmmmmm…..The kind a perfect pastor’s wife makes for Sunday and everyone loves. Yay!

This is what it looks like when you make it when you’re on mental vacation, half awake and off with the fairies in happy day dream land.

Oatmeal Cookies (Revised)

Prep: 20??? minutes, Bake 11 – 15 minutes per sheet. Makes about 4-5 dozen? I ate about half a dozen of raw dough…

2/3 cup granulated

1 cup packed brown sugar….wait that was 2/3 rights.

1/2 cup (and a bit) butter or stick margarine softened.

1/2 cup shortening

1 teaspoon baking soda

1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

1 teaspoon Soya sauce…I mean vanilla

1/2 teaspoon baking powder

1/2 teaspoon salt

2 large eggs

3 cups quick-cooking or old fashioned oats

1 cup oral care Actrium adult cat food, sorry all purpose flour.

1 cup raisins,

1 cup almonds

1 cup dried cranberries

1 cup of oatmeal crisp berry cereal (if desired, which I did not, but considered maybe next time?)

1. Heat oven to ummm 400 degrees no wait 375 degrees
2. Double check ingredients!
3. Beat all ingredients except oats, flour and raisins in large bowl with electric mixer on medium speed or mix with spoon. Stir in oats, flour and raisins
4. Double, double check ingredients.
5. Drop dough by rounded tablespoonfuls about 2 inches apart onto un-greased cookie sheet.
6. Bake 9 – 11 minutes until light brown. Immediately remove from cookie sheet to wire rack or plate.

End result: Something that looks like cookies! But did not rise properly and is a chewy and gooey looking in a good not so good sort of way. I think they are edible, they taste good…

NOTE: I noticed just before it was too late before adding Soya sauce and cat food. I was extremely close too! They are pity oatmeal cookies the ones people eat because they don’t want to hurt your feelings. I made them for Tony’s home visit tomorrow. He asked for cookies.

P.S. I have a bad habit of licking the spoons.