Life and times of an astrophysist who is actually a former journalism student who is really a NERD nerdy retarded weird girl pretending to be an astrophysisist...mispelling INTENDED!

NERD nerdy retarded weird girl central...well mostly my mussings and random interludes whilst I am working towards getting a car and licence so my random adventures and time spent in Australia was worth while. It should be intersting Enjoy! While in Australia...I was sunburnt,went to Sydney and wrote my first novel. So far back in Canadia I have been couch hoping and meandering from city to city. More adventures to come. Hopefully they are as interesting as my Australia ones.

Friday, February 26, 2010

Religion and imagination

Is it possible to have an overactive imagination at 25? Or is it a writer thing?! I, out of morbid curiosity I decided to Google some of some other religions which were on a checklist of non-spiritual Christian religions in which you were supposed to renounce in a special book a friendly old woman lady at my church gave me to read.

The following were searched out of my inquisitiveness

Bloody Mary: I thought it was the cocktail…apparently not. I am assuming it was referring to the old folklore or urban legend about Mary Worthington. Apparently if you stand in the dark facing a mirror sometimes with a lit candle and chant her name three times (or more depending on the version of the story) her ghost comes through the mirror and A: claws your eyes out and kills you or B: takes you with her into the mirror never to be seen again. Some speculate its Satan himself coming for your soul! Not that I’d be insane enough to even try it, (and those who would?) but for some reason it freaked me out and I happen to have a mirror in my curio-cabinet in my room as well as another mirror like object. Therefore I had to convince myself with much trepidation to turn the light off in my room. I knew it wasn’t real, but my over reactive imagination thought it would be funny to try and scare me! It’s the first time in four years I was semi-afraid of the dark. I had to tell myself that Mary wasn’t going to swoop down from the mirror in my room and kill me!

The Forum (EST): I honestly have no idea what it is. It’s some sort of self help thing where you’re basically harassed into joining? It’s about receiving enhanced power and enlightenment, etc, Bob Anon kind of explains it. The story is from a Christian point of view (which may or may not be the best example), but it shows what basically happens. I am not really sure what it is?

Unification Church (Moonies): There known for all there mass weddings… which I It started in Seoul South Korea. It kind of reminded me of how the story how the Mormon religion started…Joseph Smith is visited by some spirit called Moroni which results in the Church of Jesus Christ of Later Day Saints. Sun Myung Moon said he was visted by Jesus and tada new religion! Except his followers think he is the Messiah and is fulling the Second coming. I am not going to judge as I do not know much about this religion, but it does say in the Bible:

1Dear friends, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world. 1 John 4:1 (NIV)

I only add this for logic’s sense. Or maybe it just shows how the Bible is interpreted? Mormonism was on the list too. Does this mean I am spiritually damaged? The friendly old woman lady encouraged me to renounce it, which I did! It was redundant because I did it a long time ago after I realise I was tricked into it as a 13 year old girl before this book was handed to me. If anyone in my family reads this I will probably be doubly disowned now! Oh wells!

P.S. Apparently if you look into a mirror in a well lit room and say Nigel Bottington 3 hundred times he will appear in the mirror and turn you gay. Gay!

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

P.S. Fizzy Lemonade!

Yesterday I had success I finally finished 3 chapters of Fizzy Lemonade and (dare I say it), I like it more then Song of the Superheroes. It has more prose to it, more complications and it still has some of the predecessor’s roots, but its starting to explore more post-modern concepts and ideas about language brought on by some literary classes and ideas in my last year of university. I find I appreciate the post-structural and post-modern, absurd- fiction kind of ideas and I realised I kind of write my stories that way. In fact I think I could go back and fix Song of the Superheroes because I am learning more by writing its sequel. I actually do have to read over it now and then so the new story doesn’t contradict or I repeat and idea, however given the way I am starting to write this one I could make up a reason for its inconsistencies.

P.S. Wild Will

So far it starts much like Superheroes started the plot was rather scattered and random, but it was going in some sort of direction. The tenses were mixed up, although not as bad, maybe lacking description here and there. I tend to write my stories in present tense for some reason. I write how I see it in my head if that makes any sense.

P.S. Wild Will rocks

When I read some of my favourite authors I feel rather discouraged because for starters I really envy their talent and I in my lack of confidence think I am no writer, but I have to remind myself that I am on some level, but not the same writer as them, which is a good thing.

P.S. Wild Will rocks my socks

One of the ideas I am exploring is religion too. It’s gradually becoming one of the elements of it as well as language. In my story the main religion is Fictionalism, where certain characters are aware they are fictional and no one can understand why they believe what they do. Wild Will is their prophet, (believe me he is aware of being fictional). It is kind of making fun of certain religions, I won’t say which and I won’t go into to much details in case no one has read it yet. I don’t want to spoil it all. Wild Will would not be very happy. Ha ha just kidding!

P.S. Wild Will rocks my socks in Bangkok

I kind of feel maybe I was too open about my beliefs the last two entries or so, but more concerning was I felt ashamed to state it yesterday when I talked about my cats. I wanted to write “not to be religiously cheesy” but I decided not too. I should be ashamed of my faith because faith is different then religion at least that’s what I think.

P.S. Wild Will rocks my socks in Bangkok whilst Alberticus and I drink Fizzy Lemonade!

The pastor at my church (The Pastinator) has an hour long discussion with me in areas of spiritual growth, the main reason for my visit was to inquire about baptism. Apparently, which I find interesting in the Baptist faith is you don’t have to be baptised to be saved, where as in Mormonism you had to be.

P.S. Wild Will rocks my socks in Bangkok whilst Alberticus and I drink Fizzy Lemonade and Sarah Evans drinks herbal tea!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Charley the Scardy Cat

Well my cat Charley whom I’ve had for five months suddenly went missing! I was in hysterics. I couldn’t find him for at least 4 hours. I seriously looked every where for him, cupboards, beds, and the shop. Every so often I’d go out on the porch and call him several times the only answer was the wind blowing in the trees. I even took the dogs for a walk around the block to look for him. My anxiety quickened.

His brother Chazzey kept asking to go out more then usual and he kept meandering back and forth from the wood shed. I in ignorance took no notice of this. As it started to get dark around 6pm I really started to worry. When suddenly Hev-Lady saw Chazzey beeline for the wood shed one last time at rocket speed. I went to go see what he was on about. I called Charley’s name and heard a faint scared mewing. I then noticed serious decay in the shop the floor boards were rotting and Charley managed to somehow get stuck inside and was too scared to come back out. If it wasn’t for Chazzey I may never have found him. I was worried about him so I placed food and water to try and lour him out. Chazzey kept darting in and out after this. It was as if he was telling his brother how to get out and making sure he was OK.

Finally Charley came to the door and mewed for me to let him in. I was so relieved I practically ran for the door and picked him up overjoyed that he wasn’t maimed or catnapped. If it is one thing I learnt about this love and intelligence exists in the animal kingdom after witnessing Chazzey’s repeated concern and his way of communicating to me where his brother was. Most importantly I believed God helped too. He answered my prayers of concern for my little animal, one of his precious creatures.

I have since covered up the rotten floor boards with wood in hopes this won’t happen again either.

P.S. Sydney also helped! By chasing Charley outside in the first place!

Monday, February 15, 2010

Perfecting Your Craft

Happy belated Valentines Day!

I am relieved Valentines is over. I don’t ever think I liked the holiday. I appreciate what it represents and the value of love, but shouldn’t be something you show all year round.

Lately I’ve had the good fortune of connecting from the Internet from home, which is probably why my blog has been updated more consistently. (However having a laptop and an Internet stick does come in handy.) Or maybe I just feel the need to write! I was reading an old journal from 2005 and I wrote how I hadn’t been journaling much because perhaps I didn’t really feel the need for it or perhaps I was depressed, which could be true because when I am down, my writing goes with it as does any passion in my heart.

When I read something I wrote years ago I reflect on home much in a span of 8 years how much I have changed.

Today Hev-Lady is preparing for her gardening expeditions of the summer, her favourite time of year. She says she feels guilty about gardening whilst I am slaving away doing dishes…She says it’s work, but she loves it so much that’s why she constantly guilt trips herself. So I asked her about writing if that was work and she looked at me all shocked and said.

“I thought that was a hobby?”

So I replied:

“What if I am trying to work on a novel?”

Her response:

“I guess so?”

Also if you’re a writer shouldn’t you constantly work on you’re craft to perfect it like she does gardening?

P.S. I hope Canada wins some gold medals this year at the Olympics! GO CANADA!

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Trying to Hard…

Since it’s the eve of Valentines Day I am reminded of what I don’t have.

He is the only one I see. I made the mistake of telling him I liked him and giving him my heart without asking if he even wanted it, now I can’t seem to get it back! I desperately want to ask him to be my Valentine, but I know it would be in vain.

Is it right for me to think right now that girls who try to hard to get guys attention deserve to be shot for their innate desperation?  Maybe its time for me to show I care but in a more covert less intrusive way, like for instance being myself! Complimenting him on things I admire about him.

I swear if I ever marry the guy I’d be like a pit-bull. I’d even go after little old pregnant old lady man wives with a stick saying “stay away from him he is mine!” Funny though I never imagined myself as the possessive type. This is why I am afraid of liking charming relatively handsome men and being lucky enough to have one all to myself. I think I would always worry why is someone so handsome with me? (Lack of self confidence obviously) And then there’d be all the other women who like him, so I feel like I’d be constantly keeping an eye on him. He’d be walking down the street and I’d be hiding behind some large tree with binoculars just to make sure there are no female threats near him or I’d carry pepper spray to fend of female admirers. I might as well just pee on his leg to mark my territory.

There you have it folks I am on the brink of insanity.

P.S. I’m not the only one to try the old wives tale of the way to a man’s heart is stomach. It’s bunk it doesn’t work. It only makes them fatter!

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Who is the adversary?

You know I don’t think I am cut out for this whole Christianity thing. You’d never meet a real Christian making fun of the Bible even if it is the Pharaoh Poo Head from Exodus. If I tell someone close to me like Hev-Lady or another friend from an older generation I am struggling with my faith it’s either

A: You’ve haven’t fully accepted Christ as your saviour that he died for my sins and rose from the grave and so on and so forth.

Believe it or not is no problem…I believe. Enough said! I just have trouble with all the dogma and doctrine involved sometimes. And how Christian faith can be skewed and manipulated to meet certain people agendas. That I do have a problem with!

B: It’s the Devil! (If its Sue-Woman or my devout Mormon Aunty it’s the…Adversary! Oooooh makes it sound all science fictiony!)

This one I kind of want to focus on a bit…Satan seems to be a scapegoat for a hell of lot things. When really isn’t it the fact people are sinners? I wonder though seeing as he is blamed for pretty much everything including original sin, wouldn’t you be pretty pissed off or perhaps his ego goes up a notch? People seriously give him too much credit! Not that I doubt he means harm to people either. Apparently depression and anxiety are spiritual and the devil is behind it. I do believe there is some spiritual warfare to an extent but some of it could be physical, psychological or caused by repressed emotional injuries and incidents in ones life as well. I seriously feel like bursting into laughter every time Hev-Lady says the reason for any problems, whether they are hers or another’s immediately indicate it’s the Devil.

I’ve always felt some force behind my anxiety. Stupid things can start to send me to the point close to hysterics. The point where I start unravelling and I can feel myself and my sanity being swallowed whole, into a dark hole, but I know for one thing I am not alone and it’s a number of contributing factors.

Anxiety is like how shyness used to over come me when I was younger, but now instead of a big scary monster taunting me it’s a catastrophic fire breathing, fear gripping monster who instead of yanking me away from human contact is grabbing me by the throat and holding me down and when I capsize into uncontrollable emotions points and laughs at me to the point I figure I am better off dead. I feel so depressed and disconnected after an anxiety attack I just want to crawl in a small space and never come out. I am slowly starting to learn to beat Mr. Anxiety Monster with a stick.

Suddenly I feel like I am coming out of the shadows of darkness and walking towards the light, but I still have a long ways to go yet, but I am getting there. It’s writing that sustains me, the pen that is my grace. It’s my way of dealing with my emotions. I sometimes wonder if anyone read my personal journal what they would think. I reckon a lot of people I know and have known through out my eight years of journaling would be mighty pissed off or incredibly surprised. I find I can say so much more when writing rather then speaking if that makes any sense. It’s weird how I attribute writing to my welfare, but not God.

Also I think it’s ironic after going to church for a few months Hev-Lady finally says you can be Christian and not go to church, to which I replied. That’s what I was trying to friggen tell you all those months ago. Now because I gave in and went to church I am on a different path, it’s a good path but I’m not so sure I like it completely or ready for it. I often wonder if it is the charismatic, handsome and charming Pretty Blue Eyes who convinced me to stay even more! Did I go to stop the nagging and please my mom? So I can make googly eyes at Pretty Blue Eyes and his amazing use of words? I doubt it, but then again I still wonder.

P.S. Pretty Blue Eyes, Pretty Blue Eyes, Pretty Blue Eyes, Pretty Blue Eyes!

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

An Exodus Towards Apology

Oh dear unidentified responder who are you? The commenter who leaves such nice well written responses to my rambly entries? I’ve racked my brain thinking of who you may be as you claim to be a fellow co-worker. Come out of the shadows of anonymity! I’ll be nice I promise.

Is it blasphemous to find particular chapters of the Bible amusing? There is just something about Exodus Chapter 5 I find hilarious.

Exodus 5:1 – 4 (New International Version)

1 Afterward Moses and Aaron went to Pharaoh and said, "This is what the LORD, the God of Israel, says: 'Let my people go, so that they may hold a festival to me in the desert.' "

2 Pharaoh said, "Who is the LORD, that I should obey him and let Israel go? I do not know the LORD and I will not let Israel go."

3 Then they said, "The God of the Hebrews has met with us. Now let us take a three-day journey into the desert to offer sacrifices to the LORD our God, or he may strike us with plagues or with the sword."

4 But the king of Egypt said, "Moses and Aaron, why are you taking the people away from their labor? Get back to your work!" 5 Then Pharaoh said, "Look, the people of the land are now numerous, and you are stopping them from working."

My idea…. For some reason I keep imagining the Pharaoh to be some snotty bastard. And when this was read out just before the Pastor’s sermon at church I suddenly imagined this…. In fact I suddenly consumed by giggles….

Moses: (visiting Pharaoh) The Lord, the God of Israel says, ‘Let my people go, so they may hold a festival to me in the desert.’

Pharaoh: (Mocking tone) ‘Let my people go…so they can have a festival for me in the desert. I don’t know this Lord of yours why should I listen, therefore I will not let Israel go.

Moses: You’re just saying that because God hardened your heart aren’t you?

Pharaoh: If this God has done this then it is true, now GO AWAY I HATE YOU!

Moses: But, but, but...the God of the Hebrews has met with us, so let us go into the desert for 3 days to offer sacrifices to him or he may strike us with the plagues or the sword.

Pharaoh: (Again with the mocking tone) ‘The God of the Hebrews has met with us, so let us go into the desert for 3 days to offer sacrifices to him or he may strike us with the plagues or the sword.’ That’s the biggest bunch of baloney I’ve heard in my entire life. Moses, Aaron, why are taking these people from their labour! Get back to work you’re all lazy!

Of course after this Pharaoh decides to up the douchebaggery by deciding the Hebrew’s are to gather their own straw to make bricks and to make the same quota as before and when they can’t do this they are beaten. So obviously they are a little downtrodden and extra pissed off with Moses. So logically they complain to who they see has brought on this extra dose of misery upon them. Then when Moses goes to God and asks why, God is all like it’s because I am all powerful and because of my powerfulness Pharaoh will see how mighty I am, etc. I think the whole point of the sermon was it has to get worse so God can show you how amazingly powerful he is.

So now that I am on the topic of religion. I made a fool of myself on Jo’s blog, (spelling errors included). In which I am apologising for. Here is what I said (spelling errors corrected)

Jo,

This is solely my opinion but, I've been reading a lot of your entries pertaining to Christianity and to be honest I find a lot of your views biased and over generalised. You need proof as well as personal experience. You shouldn't criticise things you don't truly understand.

Also (still my opinion) God and religion are too separate things. Religion specifically Christianity is a man made institution which is merely a vehicle to reach God and to please him. A relationship with God and truly believing in him and having faith with or without church to me is entirely different. I believe the Bible is written by God and man and has been reinterpreted many times by man to suit there understanding and unfortunately to suit there own goals and belief systems which I agree with you can lead to abuse. I also agree it’s a very patriarchal based religion, but so are many others. I prefer to think of the Bible as a collection of stories and history and it’s from this we can learn. It can't be taken in the same context as today because it is an entirely different culture then now. However, you must remember not all Christians are bad or think they are holier then thou, it's a stereotype. And maybe when people who get come to faith lose contact with friends is because they have troubles reconnecting with those who haven't or have disconnected entirely.

I prefer to say I am a secular Christian and I will always be your friend no matter what, whether you're Christian or not. Given your experience some of your opinions are valid, but some are not.

For some Christianity gives people hope and meaning in life. No one can "interrupt there joyful ignorance," because they truly believe.

Maybe I should elaborate on the things I said, but I fear I’d make things worse….

I won’t apologise for my beliefs (which I am starting to question again, grrr…) But I will apologise for doing something I thought I’d never do…which is forcing my beliefs down someone’s throat especially when religion is a touchy subject with them to begin with. I think I was just feeling defensive because the Christianity I’ve experienced now is nothing how she describes it even the positive descriptions. That’s what I met by validity. The Christianity, I have experienced for 20+ years, varies from positive, conservative to strange and no where similar. I kind of forgot that when I made the comment. So now I’ve made it seem like I am invading her personal space. So I hope she will accept my apology.

P.S. I get make hangy-outy with Pretty Blue Eyes on Friday!

Sunday, February 07, 2010

What am I waiting for?

(Two posts in one day! This is an entire first. AN ENTIRE FIRST! )

I’ve decided to try and re-do my resolution from 2009 to attempt to write 100 entries by the end of the year.

Would it be a logical assumption that being impatient and being a Christian don’t mix for some people? There is a lot of waiting involved being a Christian, whether it is waiting for marriage to get it on with someone, asking God for answers or the second coming.

I am specifically wondering about the topic of virginity. Let’s say a Christian who believes in the importance of waiting till marriage meets and falls in love someone new to the faith who has participated in worldly things such as premarital sex. How would he/she feel about it? Would they feel a bit cheated? They saved themselves and suppressed a very human instinct for the sake of their beliefs, but then again wouldn’t it be a bit petty to judge a future love of your life for sins which were already forgiven by God.  I also don’t believe being baptised makes you a virgin again. You’re washed clean of your sins in that regard, but physically… If one keeps bringing this up they obviously haven’t forgiven themselves.

And why does Christianity have some many rules?Some  based on denominations, interpretations or beliefs? Also is it really an issue of salvation? It’s just this questioning type behaviour that has gotten me in trouble with other Christians. I prefer to refer to myself as a secular Christian an oxymoron entirely, but apparently you are or you aren’t. Things were easier when I considered myself agnostic borderline deist.

P.S. Tony man features will be totally stoked when he finds out I installed Harry Potter Quidditch on my computer!

When debt is the Monopoly?

I’m surprised I am not pulling all my hair out from my financial situation seeing as I am very close to it. Loan payments for my government loans are missed, rent money and the all the anxiety the entails this, I still owe gas money, etc to my friends from the trip to Edmonton. Which makes it even more stressful was some of the money lent to me was by friends who are financially troubled as well. It reminds me of playing Monopoly with Carol for some reason. I miss Carol L

Carol: (Lands on an expensive property worth $1100+) you know I am good for it!

Me: Ha! You can pay me in instalments?

Or….

Me: (at the height of winning the game!) It’s OK I’ll let it pass this time…

A half hour or so later the tables have turned….which is usually how it works with Monopoly.

Me: Carol you know I am good for it!

Carol: Suck it up! Pay now! Ha ha!

Me: I’ll give you a property! (This leads to me being even more screwed!)

Carol: OK….I WANT THE MONEY! (She is kidding of course!)

Me: Carol stop trying to rip me off! (shakes fist in anger)

Hence to say Carol usually ends up wining… oddly she always owns the red properties. That’s Kentucky, Illinois and Indiana or Trafalgar, Fleet Street and The Strand if you happen to own the British version of Monopoly, which I do. :P Then of course she owns Park Place (Park Lane) and Boardwalk (Mayfair). I always seem to own the bright purples and the oranges….Actually I make a point to own those ones for some reason, which is weird because they aren’t much more then the shitty light blue ones and the dark purples (dark red if you have the British version).

Anyways I digress…enough about Monopoly.

It’s hard not to feel anxious when your friend Moses (not his real name) says I better pay the gas money or he’ll break my legs or kidnap my dogs and send him to me in pieces. Thank God he is joking. Perhaps it’s important to have a sense of humour about the situation! Also perhaps being thankful! I have a roof over my head, I have food to eat and friends to make hangy-outey with. There are others worse off then me.

I am so concerned about my financial predicament and the need to do something about it that I sucked up my pride and my reservations about returning to the fast food industry and applied at A&W. It was something someone said to me this morning. Who cares about the job one has, as long as you’re pulling your weight and trying to get through life and it pays the bills. So I might come home smelling like a burger at least I can pay my student loans off!!! I swear I am aware of my financial conundrums but I try to forget about it and pretend it doesn’t exist and wish it away, bad idea…. Enough said.

Tuesday, February 02, 2010

Edmonton Love

When you fall in love with some one, you can temporarily put the feelings on a shelf, but you can easily take it down if the love is returned or like me in irrational clumsiness knock it down and open up the heart to the beauty of the feelings whether they are returned or not. Knocking down the feelings off the shelf in the back of my mind isn’t a bad thing, it reminds that I am human and an emotional feeling being and there is no shame in having them. Anger reminds you that you are alive and love keeps you there. Emotions are what make the world go round.

I still love someone but that doesn’t mean I can’t be near them and bask in there wonderfulness that I like about them and it doesn’t mean I can’t show them either. If nothing happens then all is not lost. I’ve gained an amazing friend even if I do want to punch them in the face every once in a while.

My trip to Edmonton went well. It was spiritually insightful and reviving. Some may say it might be joyful ignorance but once you experience it, you know and those who never had or are against it will never understand. I had this unmistakable high and so much love in my heart I just wanted to hug everyone so they could feel as happy as I did. For the first time I felt connected to God. Besides religion is something man made to reach or to please God, a relationship is something entirely different and I wonder if some people don’t distinguish between the two of them. I also believe it’s good to see both the Christian world and the secular world so you can see both sides and come to a decision on which truth or belief speaks to you.

I even successfully over came my fear of crowds by Sunday it didn’t even phase me. I finally felt normal for a change; despite the fact I think word normal is a culturally subjective and this word should not be a in our language. THE END!

P.S. I believe in God and all that entails!