The on going saga and Acorna

Urgh I had an entry all written out 2 weeks ago almost but now it’s outdated so its redundant to publish it. But I will anyways….

A big happy birthday goes out to Tony. He is 18 but for some reason seems to think he is 49.

Me: Happy Birthday Tony!

Tony: Thank you Happy Birthday Me

Me: You’re welcome Tony. How old are you today?

Tony: 49

Me: I thought you were 94.

Tony: No 49

Me: How old am I then?
Tony: 12

Me: Well you’re nearly half right.

In other news Pretty Blue Eyes apparently has a girlfriend, who is not officially his girlfriend but potentially a girlfriend in other words he is most likely taken. Now I can take a big sigh of relief knowing now what he meant by “at this time” bull shit. So all along it was a gentle let down and not the door ajar leaving room for possibilities, confusing the hell out of me. The initial rejection was a mixed message. It still would have been better to at least close the door or slam it in my face so the obsessive person that is mean wouldn’t be wondering about it for 7 months. I just realised what a waste of my entire life this was. MY ENTIRE LIFE! Not telling him how I feel but brooding about it for so long afterwards. I am glad I am able to love, but I wish it was directed at the right guy for once…

P.S. were still friends…Now that I know the above information it makes it easier to be friends.

With Wild Will :P (Well I am!)

P.S.S. I am kind of annoyed about it. I feel like I was lied too for some reason, by him and myself. Why did I fool myself into thinking it was a just a temporary thing? Was I imagining things when he kept sending the mixed signals of all confusingness.

Showing up at my house at 11 at night mysteriously looking for churches in town and introducing me to his parents, yet now that I’ve gotten to know him he seems to think the world revolves around him. He showed up around quarter to 12 at night at my house a month or so later, claiming he was in the neighbourhood playing poker at a friend’s a claim that was later confirmed.

Then there were the mysterious glances for no reason, well to be fair I was looking at him and he was probably just catching me looking at him all along. Well he is really handsome.

Or how about it seeming he was finding excuses to call me?

Singing my name on the phone

Teasing me…

Then the last few days he got really distant from me…now I know why! He sounded really nervous and awkward the last few times too.

(Perhaps it has to do with Wild Will rocking my socks?)

In fact earlier before I managed to get over the initial shock of finding this out and seeing his very elegant friend of his, and not being formally introduced either. I never even heard her name. I found out by listening in on other youths conversations. Hmmph! She looks like one of the models from the Sears catalogue. I went into hours of pure angry madness. I was mad at him. I was mad at myself, etc… I, as always was reading into things far too much. I have all these mixed emotions of anger, embarrassment, shame and hurt and I am not sure how to place them or to deal with them properly.

So now I am officially and determined to meet the real deal! If only I wasn’t so impatient, shy around guys or for some dumb reason pining for Pretty Blue Eyes maybe I’d have found him by now. Perhaps it’s Big Red from work. He has pretty red hair as well as pretty eyes…and he is really tall. He reminds me of Wild Will’s side kick John and he always reads books like me. He seems like a real NERD nerdy retarded weird guy. I’ll start with trying to make friends with him. I just hope he is not too young for me. Really tall people for some reason look older then they are, it would be just my luck if was 18 or something, because another really tall guy I found endearing at work was. :S

P.S.S.S. I thought right other tall guy is 18.

P.S.S.S.S.... Mom wants me to buy cat food.

A is or Acorna. I am nearly done reading Acorna the Unicorn girl series by Anne McCaffery co-writing with 2 authors. The first two with Margret Ball and the rest with Elizabeth Anne Scarborough. Sometimes it is boring and lame, sometimes it is adventurous, overtly technically with the technology and well I still like it. I once joked to Hev-Lady how perhaps I should acquire or own Linyaari (a unicorn person) to heal her. It’s pretty cool actually the Linyaari are a gentle telepathic race with the ability to heal, and purify water and air, just like a unicorn.

I was reading Acorna’s Quest the second book in seven book series and my friend Matthew saw it whilst we were having lunch at Subway.

Matthew: Oh she has a horn on her head. That is hot

Me: Well of course it’s a phallic symbol

Matthew: You’re a phallic symbol.

Me: I lack any of the components to be a phallic symbol.

Obviously Acorna portrays the best of both worlds, she is female and she has a phallus on her head, she is exotic looking with the silver hair and fair skin. Somehow I think the character caters to men’s masculinity or there hidden sexual desires. There is some bestiality undertones as well with her being part equine and all. The ancestral hosts who saved the unicorns from Earth and through genetic splicing created the Linyaari desired the unicorns in that way. Of course this is purely my own opinion. If you read the first book it kind of explains why I think this....

I think it was a few months later...

Matthew: You’re still reading that book?!

Me: No its book five Acorna’s World.

Matthew: Oh...

Me: I still remember you telling me how you think she is hot and the you called me a phallic symbol.

Matthew: (Laughs)

Anyways....I am on the last book out of seven.

Acorna the unicorn girl

Acorna’s Quest

Acorna’s People

Acorna’s World

Acorna’s Search

Acorna’s Rebels

Acorna’s Trimuph.

Acorna. Acorna, Acorna. Acorna, Acorna. Acorna, Acorna. Acorna, Acorna. Acorna, Acorna. Acorna,

Then I find out there is three more in a spin off series called Acorna’s Children... Blah!

P.S.S.S.S....I have to work....

Brains, Brains, Brains

Anyways, I desperately want something happy and witty to write about, but nothing comes to mind...Unless you count weird dreams.

Panic attacks I don’t exactly feel comfortable talking about this particular subject unless it happens to be close friends...in fact I don’t even know why I am writing about it now. Figures....

The resurfacing of amorous type feelings I thought were long buried. It’s true I haven’t gotten over Pretty Blue Eyes, which sometimes have a speck of green in the pale pretty blueness of his pupils. I am not sure if anything will ever happen, but even if it doesn’t I think I have a special place in my heart for him.

I was considering going to the church tonight for a prayer meeting, but I was already a half an hour late, because of work so I thought it was kind of a faux pas to show up late to such a function, even though the idea of meeting up with Pretty Blue Eyes was enticing. I didn’t want to interrupt. As I was walking to my destination (I figured I’d decide by the time I get there.) my imagination wandered into a random garbled day dream.

Me: Sorry I’m late!

Matthew: That’s OK

Random Church member: It’s nice of you to come.

Another random church member: Yes Melissa come and join us.

Me: (apprehensively as it is my style) Ummm OK....

Matthew: You don’t seem to sure.

Five or six more parishioners show up

Group: Come join us.

They all start reaching for me randomly. I start to feel rather uncomfortable.

Group: BRAINS! Braaaaaaaaiiiiiiinnnnnns!

Me: Ahhhhaahahahhahaha!

Group: Brains! Brains! Brains! Brains! Brains!

The all eat me the end.

Yep that is the gist of my day dream, pretty weird huh? I guess if I did a dream analysis here and applied to it the day dream I’d say I’m worried they’d be pissed off for me showing up late and figuratively eat me alive, (logically I know this is not true). They probably would be happy to see me but I walked past the room and they were all reverent and bowed down in prayer. I don’t know about you but it is awkward when you walk in on people praying and ummm it’s distracting especially since they group is trying to talk to God. I imagine big guy upstairs ready to smite me because he is listening to something they have to say that is important, but I interrupt them. Therefore I am at Timmies now drinking apple cinnamon tea and randomly musing all by myself and I am clearly overtly irrational as well.

I finally got in contact with Erica. Thankfully Hev-Lady and she have worked things out. Unfortunately she won’t be allowed to move in anymore. That bridge was burned down way into the fiery pits of no return once her neighbours (not her caregivers) decided to bully her into staying where she is. And I will not be going anywhere near her house again not unless I have a harpoon gun ready just in case The Whale decides to surface again.

However her cat Ozzy is still living at my house. Meanwhile, being an entire snob, eating the kitten’s food (rather than his own) and generally picking on them. He pretty much hides out unless he has to go to the bathroom or eat. He is pretty talented on giving out passive aggressive go away I hate you vibes.

My new kitty Charley is finally warming up to me. He is this tiny little thing with a crooked tail. Sydney tolerates him. I am pretty sure Charley is the only cat Sydney hasn’t tried to hump, Ozzy being his recent conquest. But Charley hasn’t been exempt from humping his brother Chaz, Hev-Lady’s cat demeaned him. Poor Charley enough said.

Nigel Bottington has had a lot to say on this matter:

Dog loves cat: Sames sex, different species has friends confused

An editorial:

By Nigel Bottington Co- Editor in Chief

Bamboozle Times Chronicle Herald

Dear Readers,

As an advocate for homosexuals, being one myself I find no revulsion with same sex relations, in fact I encourage them because Freud himself said humans where innately bisexual. Yet there must be a line drawn when the same relationship crosses into another species altogether. One adorably cute male Shi Tzu- Terrier Alberticus Sidonious- McGlonagick barely a year old may seem the epitome of sweetness, but not once you realise he has a sordid relationship with one Chadwick McGlonagick a male orange tabby kitten. You read right an entire kitten of the feline variety. Not to mention technically related though adoption. Most of the time its accepted Cats and dogs are odds with one another, but never are they in love with one another or in fact pursuing a relationship. This is even worse than automosexualty, the sexual relation with cars or bestiality better known as zoosexuality, such as the relationship between a certain big brown dog and his dastardly ultra feminine wife. (I cannot name names now for fear of libellous implications, no thanks to Sarah Evans!) I am not even sure what to label Alberticus as! He is a somethingsexual? I will supply one at a later day.

That is all I have to say on this matter. It makes me so angry I might poo myself. It’s even more upsetting then finding out that I have to share this new paper with Adrianne Lawrence, who likes to be called Mrs. Amazing Marlon Brando Woman and refers to me as Skinny or Bean Pole and when she is in a rather exceptional mood Nasty Little Gay Man.

I have also been informed there is a whaling expedition in the Suburb of Walkerton where a rather large whale with legs (obviously a person) of the manipulative bitch array from the community of Wankervile is causing problems for the community’s residents. People of the trailer trash variety are a stain on this fine city of Bamboozle and I fully support there expedition as soon I can find my harpoon gun. Mostly because I heard she doesn’t like me for calling her a whale and telling to mind her own business and if she doesn’t like me hanging out with her boyfriend because I am gay. GAY! This whale doesn’t happen to be Philis Philmore either, who is also a whale, but I calls her Fatty Bumstockings instead. (I have sore knees to prove this.)

Nigel Bottington Co-Editor in Chief

Today’s outings are as follows.

Whale McDouche bag

Fatty Bumstockings

Philip Tate

Finbarpurpleton Fergarious

Alberticus McGlonagick

As you may have noticed by the randomosity of this this entry and probably many more is the product of many 3 hour waits for the bus after work. In fact its cumulative entry from the past three weeks. I once tried about year ago to remedy this but with no avail. I kind of like the 3 hours to myself after work before I get home. I get time to unwind after a busy day before I get home. I find I am not as crabby as if I catch the bus 20 minutes after. I am tired yes, but it’s become part of my routine. If it were summer and it weren’t so bloody dark out I’d attempt to walk home.

P.S. Following directions for cinnamon buns is kind of important. They were all doey and umm gross.

It's been a strange week.

So the special needs friend Erica whom I was under the impression was semi-moving in to take care of her cat was in fact permanently moving in, which means that I may or may not needed to move out as well.

Therefore, I live in the Ned Flanders version of Noah’s Ark two of each animal (cat and dog) but both males so there won’t be any hanky-panky. And for an added twist there is an extra cat also male. Not to mention my dog Sydney is somewhat sexually confused. He kept trying to hump my mom’s kitten Chaz and he has for some reason been giving favours to Charley by licking his balls and he likes to chase Ozzy (The new cat and pet of my friend). Both kittens and the cat now avoid him...I wonder why. If this were Bamboozle I could see the news headlines now.

Sexually Confused Shi Tzu – Terrier Ousted From Home For Unsavoury Relations With Cats.

Or

Dog loves cat: Sames sex, different species has friends confused

However, to be more confusing last night my friend changes her mind as she was bullied into staying where she is now by her neighbours, leaving Hev-Lady looking like the bad guy when all she was trying to do was help. Now my mother feels defeated, thinking evil has won, telling me this as her eyes were full of tears. She was and still is truly heartbroken. This friend is like a sister to her. Yes she should have asked me first if it was OK, but her intentions were honourable. How would you feel if a whale of a woman intent on picking a fight shows up whilst you are helping your friend who is ecstatic about the move and accuses you of saying not so nice things behind her back which you never did as your daughter witnessed you several times saying we should not be talking about this person and then proceed to see your friend coerced into changing her mind, distraught in thick sobbing tears.

Then if that wasn’t bad enough the previously mentioned whale’s mother comes over to defend her precious calf and accuses you of causing trouble? The mother whale of all scariness mistook me for Hev-Lady and was attempting to tear into me and was intent on walking in on my mother whilst she was in the bathroom doing personal like business. I tried sending GO AWAY I HATE YOU vibes but I guess they weren’t strong enough to reach four people of the trailer trash variety. Where was Japan or a decent harpoon gun when Hev-Lady and I needed one? By that I mean the power to defend our friend not sent out into the black dark streets in shame, having witnessed a very surreal Jerry Springer moment. (Trust me these people could totally be on that show). Now I am unsure if I am still moving out as Hev-Lady has no roommate and temporarily stuck with her smelly cat, but I am more concerned for my friend and am now left with the shame of feeling resentful while she was temporarily with us. I don’t even know if I will see Erica again. :( I just pray she can make a decision based on what she wants to do not what the other people or my mom wants.

P.S. I am almost done Chapter 6 of Fizzy Lemonade.

Uncomfortable at 25

So apparently being a quarter of a century is important... For my 25th I volunteered at the local food bank. I got some books and some cake. It was pretty low key. I could have gone to Alberta to hang out with Carol but I had very little money for a ticket because procrastination and indecision had caused me to possibly pay for a dastardly bus ticket worth $400. Being poor sucks just as much! I was consumed by indecision on whether I was going to see Carol for my birthday. I lost out in the end, but then again I didn’t.

I am feeling very uncomfortable as of late.

Firstly I am not too sure about being 25! What happened to being 24?

Secondly, a family friend who is special needs is suddenly semi-moving in our house. It’s not my fault she ignored the no pets rule and will be evicted if she doesn’t get rid of her cat. So now our already animal zoo filled house has an extra cat. I wasn’t even consulted I am living in a roommate situation and I would have appreciated it if I was at least asked. This person smells bad on top of that so now, not only does it smell like dog and cat, it also smells like BO. I feel out of control of the situation and it’s irritating. I feel mean for whinging about it on my blog.
Then this person, who is 50, has a BIG crush on the pastor of my church who is 27. She reminds me of myself and my silly girly crushes. (Ugh I apologise to anyone I put through that.) It makes me uncomfortable on so many levels. She has this hopefully joy that something could happen, but the chance of which is slim and she seems to think I like him too. I do but not that way. And even if I did I would hopefully be intelligent and rational enough to figure out that it’s not meant to be. I wish I had this insight for my recent infatuation with Pretty Blue Eyes. I must of and perhaps still do drive my mom and friends to the point of obscurity. I’m not sure how to explain to her that it is kind of inappropriate to say how she has to be friends and not his playmate, etc. It just irks me out and irritates me and I can’t figure out why. Maybe it’s because she is 50? Maybe it’s because she is not very attractive? But that sounds kind of mean. Perhaps it’s a learning experience on some level. So I know how annoying and awkward my behaviours towards others and perhaps inappropriate.

Despite the Bible study groups members assuring me that I am fitting in and they do like me. I still feel like I don’t. It shocked me when one of them said they were my friends. Friends to me especially lately is a pretty heavy concept. I’ve felt alone for so long since I’ve been back to Canada that to think that I found friends is kind of mind boggling. They are not like best friends that I can tell all my secrets too, I don’t trust them quite yet, but I guess they are still the same. I think they accept me as the shy quiet one so they don’t know if I am unhappy with the situation at hand. I am so quiet they don’t notice I am there and I mistakenly took that as they don’t care because they do.

Anyways the point of this entry is to announce that Chapter 5 after 6 – 7 month delay is finally up and ready to read. I am working on Chapter 6...

P.S. I am a ninja!

What to write about? That is the question!

This age old question still haunts me since the day I decided I wanted to be a writer.

What do I want to write about?

It’s usually subconscious but it start as soon as my fingers grace the keyboard of my computer or the pen I am holding begins to scribble the many scrambled thoughts and ideas that cluttered within. Some days, like today I do think to myself now what is it that I want to write?

When I stop and think about it, is when I just write until the idea that I meant to have comes pouring out from the very depths of my soul. For instance I was just randomly free writing and journaling and I suddenly thought how strange some new friends I’ve become acquainted with slowly. I’m not going to say who or where I know them...(anonymity reasons of course) They claim to be Christian but proudly announce how they drink, party, smoke and participate in certain activities which go against the morals you would normally associate with Christianity. So would this in fact make them hypocrites or perhaps contradictory. I’m not judging them or anything I just find it strange. Humanity is strange structures and boxes where suppose to fit into are so engrained in us, that to merely survive some sort of societal structure or label is needed to understand anything in life. Even language! So if you attach the label of Christian (because I definitely think it is one) but the label doesn’t match, then what?

I also think it’s interesting how another Christian friend has this image of God as kindly old man like Santa Claus or Albus Dummbledore and after reading the Old Testament in the Bible particularly in Ezekiel where God kills Ezekiel’s wife as part of a prophecy and proceeded to tell him how he wasn’t allowed to mourn. This is of course added to the other things God demanded of him, which by today’s standards is pretty obscene. It’s because of this her whole image was shattered and she became irate with another group member about it. Boo hoo! God can be mean, yet there is usually a purpose for it.

This reminds me of a conversation I had with Matthew ages ago. He was teasing a fellow Bible study member and I said he was mean and he replied so God is mean.

I don’t get it if God is supposedly perfect then why the temper tantrums which are seemingly imperfect. (I am meandering the line of sacrilege and am imagining God with a lightning bolt to strike me dead for asking the questions I do.) He also created humans? But why? Devoted Christians says it’s part of his plan, but what is his plan exactly?

Me I have no set image of God. He is kind of like this big invisible force everywhere at once. I know he is out there, powerful, temperamental and with a very strange sense of humour. I also don’t blame him for being cranky from time to time either, despite the fact that crankiness is also imperfect.

Gah my brain hurts from thinking too much! Anyways....

P.S. Chaz scratched my fingers up. Ah the joy of kitties.

15 minutes of love solitude or sandwiches?

A question has been brought to me as of late. Almost 2 weeks ago.

I was enjoying my 15 minute break on a Thursday when my friend Matthew called and asked me how I was, ect...I reply along the lines of I am enjoying my 15 minutes of solitude as being around people all day is mentally draining. (Believe me it is!)

Matthew: What if it was a prince and you could only see him 15 minutes a day and he would be completely devoted too you. He would love you like no other, but you could only have him for 15 minutes? And in this time you fulfill any needs you may have...(No need to imply what he means by that :P) And then after the 15 minutes are up he turns into a frog.
Me: Me that would suck! I would want someone like that for more than 15 minutes. What if there was a magic spell to stop the cycle from continuing?
Matthew: No! It doesn't work like that you either have one or the other.
Me: Well then I would choose solitude!
Matthew: OK but he'd bestow his love upon you and only you, etc...
Me: Urgh....Yes I get it!

Of course a week later I change my mind reasoning that if it was true love might as well have it even though its for 15 minutes a day. He said he'd choose solitude because it would impeed on his freedom because he likes being single.

So the next day I added a twist... Matthew hearts Julia Roberts, particualarily when she was Tinkerbell when she was normal sized and wearing the pretty blue dress.

Me: What if you could have princess for 15 minutes a day and it was Julia Roberts. Would you still choose solitude?
Matthew: Absolutely
Me: But its Julia Roberts! And its only 15 minutes a day!
Matthew: Exactly, it would impeed on my freedom because I'd be missing her the rest of the day.

Oh brother! The old cliche comes to mind. A life without love is no life at all. Or how about? Its better to have love then lost to have never loved at all. I hate cliches so I apologise for writing them down. Why would someone choose lonliness? I guess because you can't get hurt and you get to be your own person and what not, but still.

Anyways, I aided Matthew in getting a meatball sandwich from Subway to which he said was just as good as having Julia Roberts for 15 minutes a day. What an interesting contradiction?
So I responded along the same lines...you see I also got a sandwich for my mom but I gave her the wrong half and sent her on her way back home only to find out I got the wrong sandwich. I ended up getting a hold of Hev-Lady and she managed to get the next bus back just to switch them around because my sandwich was just not up to par with her standards. She had a club with cheddar cheese no sauce I had a club with white cheese and honey mustard dressing. She hates dressing perfering it natural. I like dressing enough said. Anways after mom and I sucessfully switched sandwiches (Matthew apparently found the whole ordeal hillarious!) I sent him a message that said.

Me: I finally ate my sandwich it was as good as having Simon Baker (The guy from the Mentalist) for 15 minutes a day....
Matthew: Ha ha!
Me: Of course you are handsomer than Simon I'd rather spend 15 minutes a day with you!
Me thinking: Oh dear God I don't think that was apropriate to send too a church pastor! Hev-Lady agrees...:S
Me: Just kidding by the way! (I was hoping to soften the blow)
Matthew: I wasn't!
Me thinking: Oh God! Aghghghghghghghg!
Me: Wasn't what?
Matthew: Joking! But actually I was!
Me thinking: OK...I can breathe now
Matthew: I agree I am handsomer than Simon.
Me thinking: Conceeded are we?
Me: Indeed! (Because he really is!)

So I wonder dear readers which would you choose?

A: Handsome Princess/Beautiful Princess who will be the epitome of true love

Or...

B: Solitude, lonliness or freedom

Anyways.... If you think this conversation is weird perhaps the one about oranges would be of interest. But that is for another time...In fact I dreamt that Matthew came to help get my mom and I to church with only 9 minutes to till the service started and mom and I had to pay him in oranges and a balecava.

Oh yes I am also happy to announce there are two more members to my family. My mom and I are outnumbered by animals 4 to 1. Two kittens, both cute and orange, both brothers, named Charley and Chaz.

P.S. This entry was written at the library. I couldn't think of anything snarky or cryptic to ummm add.

Weird dreams and a broken heart

I honestly have no idea what to write about…..

Well it appears that my weird dreams have resurfaced, from stress no doubt. 

Let see it involves Wal-Mart, Philis Philmore, making cakes, the Anti- Christ, speaking in tongues, God yelling at me about something, Carol, pretty flowers and Dolly Parton escaping bad guys on an inflatable raft. Told you it was weird.

Perhaps the weirdest part was waiting in a big line up to speak with Jesus in the flesh and then watch him and Carol have an entire conversation in tongues. I honestly had no idea what they were saying, but Carol was very happy. Then He talked to me in which we both spoke in tongues and he said I had to much darkness inside of me and that’s all I remember. Then as Carol and I finish our visit I run into Jesus again, except he looks different and he laments how I have forsaken him because it turns out that the Jesus we were talking to was the Anti-Christ. Then of course I wake up in the dream and God comes to me and talks to me again and so on and so forth. Not supposed to go into details because apparently the conversation is private, but I am allowed to tell my friend Matthew about it for some reason. Hmmmm…I mean I better do what God tells me even if it was a dream because he has this thing for inflicting wrath, especially if you read the Old Testament.  But then again the God in the New Testament seems nicer…

The whole Dolly Parton and cake thing were completely separate dreams. Dolly falls onto raft and says “oh boy lucky there was a raft there to save me.” The bad guy fell into the water, turns out it was sewage and Ms Parton was on a search for flowers for her pretty little home which was built on the water. And then the cake dream I got mad at my stepmother for helping me finish a cake without asking. Meanwhile attending church and thinking the pastor was a joke. To which my older sister was in love with him she asked my brother (not my real life one) “what’s with guys and there mixed messages?” because the pastor had rejected her and broke her entire heart. To which he replied he was responsible to answer that because he wasn’t a guy but really was. Then I had a younger sister who apparently had a thing for hiding under the kitchen table. She was destroying with the aforementioned cake to despite stepmother who was actually quite nice and didn‘t deserve the animosity. Note: I don’t actually have a sister or a stepmother but I do know a pastor. Oh yes and I had red hair and was really tall that part was cool.

I have also decided its maybe it is more then time to let Pretty Blue Eyes go! I got a little obsessed and jumped the gun and put his pretty picture in my Amy locket. I thought maybe it would bring good luck. It did the opposite I was always worried the locket would pop open and he’d see that I had put his picture there. Today I finally removed the picture and what do you know the anxiety went a way. I will save the empty space for someone who feels the same way. THE END! One problem I still entirely like him! Grrrr….

Why is the heart so irrational? When it all started I had notice or detection of time.  It all came to a standstill. It was just me, him and the constant beating of my heart and the subsequent ache that was impressed upon my heart from the pain of unrequited love. Why would anyone want to put themselves through that? It feels so beautiful at first then once the slap in the face and sudden appearance of reality unfolds it hurts like hell. Why should I desire someone or something that I cannot have? Why lust over a moment that I may never share. To love someone who does not love you back is hard. Your brain knows its illogical and nothing may ever come of it. Yet the heart is indifferent. It doesn’t seem to care. To have emotions is part of being human. I see his cute crooked grin and it all unwinds from there. Once again I am picking at the scab. It’s almost healed but not quite. I know everyone says there is other fish in the sea, but he seems to be the only one I see. I think someone needs to hand me a fishing rod.

P.S. It is ummmm raining!