Life and times of an astrophysist who is actually a former journalism student who is really a NERD nerdy retarded weird girl pretending to be an astrophysisist...mispelling INTENDED!

NERD nerdy retarded weird girl central...well mostly my mussings and random interludes whilst I am working towards getting a car and licence so my random adventures and time spent in Australia was worth while. It should be intersting Enjoy! While in Australia...I was sunburnt,went to Sydney and wrote my first novel. So far back in Canadia I have been couch hoping and meandering from city to city. More adventures to come. Hopefully they are as interesting as my Australia ones.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Mickey Mouse is Queen of the Universe!!

According to Amy the Raven Haired One and Chris “O’Rooney’ Features I am to write 8 Random facts about me, then tag others. I am willing to do so with the proviso no one else will be tagged because I don’t know anyone else too tag. Case in point Amy and Chris are Queen of the Universe and I have no intention of becoming Queen myself.

1. I used to adore Mickey Mouse, I even had hundreds of pictures on my walls and Mickey Mouse paraphernalia. This was until I attended the Class Cultural Industries last year. Some how it just ruined the magic of Disney for me. I still like Mickey, but it’s more about the a fondness of the memories I had about him. Maybe this is just a sign that I am growing up.

2. I really like apples, but I only like two kinds Royal Gala and Golden Delicious kind.

3. I have an irrational fear of balloons, better know as Globophobia. I am afraid of the bang noise they make when someone pops them and when I am around balloons and other people in the house I am consistently afraid they are going to pop them.

4. When I was 15 I wanted to be an astronomer or an astrophysicist and I had a particular fascination with the planets Mars and Neptune. In fact I still do.

5. This is rather embarrassing but,when I was younger I was afraid of public toilets, specifically ones with black seats. I’ll only use a public toilet if I really have too. In fact I’ve been having dreams about toilets since I was little. They come in all different sizes or they are unusable or in public like a park.

The front steps my brother tried to jump from.

6. One time I rescued my brother from jumping of the front steps in the middle of winter. He thought he was Superman and was wearing a towel as a cape and scarily he wasn’t wearing any shoes. He was trying to fly away or possibly save his toys that had fallen into the snow. This scenario was repeated a few days later except he grabbed the straw broom on the porch and reckoned he was Harry Potter.

7. I like ketchup on Kraft Dinner. Oddly enough I went through a phase where I didn’t like it several times, before I decided once and for all I like it. The only problem is they don’t have Kraft Dinner here. It reminds of something I read that Canadians eat their own weight in Kraft Dinner and ketchup is considered an actual food group.

8. When I was seven and lived on Gabriola Island, which is part of small group of islands on the west coast in the same are as Vancouver Island where I was born, I insulted the entire schooling community by saying they were all going to hell and worshiped the Devil because they didn’t go to the same church as me. Needless to say I was going through a lot of religious confusion when I was young. I still am now. I still don’t know what to believe.

P.S. So there they are my eight random facts….and this despicable tag ends with me ah ha ha ha ha ha!

Monday, August 27, 2007

I lost my entire assignment!

I had one of those days today. Everything that could go wrong could. I was attacked left and right by Murphy’s Law.

You see….

I lost nearly all of my entire Desktop Publishing assignment. MY ENTIRE ASSIGNMENT! My stupid USB Flash Crapastica Memory NERD drive corrupted most of the files. And here is the kicker the assignment was due today at 4 p.m. luckily the lecturer was around when this happened and he told me to hand it in tomorrow. I felt sick and I thought I was going to cry. I have at least some of the assignment on my computer. I hope, hope, hope that it’s not all gone and not all is lost. The strange thing is through all this I noticed how I have changed a year ago I would have seriously freaked out and cried. This time I swore a little and expressed my annoyance, but I didn’t have a panic attack and didn’t whine and cry. I managed to come to realisation that everything is going to be OK because the lecturer knew the situation and said if I can’t fix all the files he will mark was is readable and I will still get a grade. I am really surprised about how I handled it. Needless to say I bought a new USB so I can stop this problem from happening again. However, this is not say that this incident didn’t bother me because it did. Imagine losing your ENTIRE assignment.

Then if that wasn’t enough there was a minor incident involving my binder crashing to the floor during a lecture, splitting apart and sending my notes and whatnot in disarray. My old self would probably get pissed off and kick the binder across the room making a further scene or at least think about it while on the brink of tears.

Ah yes I kept getting paid out today too, by the lecturer for the tourism class, a fellow classmate and a bus driver. It felt embarrassed yet amused at the same time, something I haven’t quite felt before. Although I wish I had some snappy comebacks. I never have those on Murphy’s Law type days.

I haven’t had a Murphy’s Law day for months now, so I guess I was due for one eventually. Figures! Is this some sort of karmic influence? It shouldn’t I never wrecked anything of someones? LIFE IS CONFUSING!

Something else people think its funny when I swear or get mad….I’ve never figured this out. I DON’T laugh at them when something shit happens to them. Is it because of my quiet demeanour that when I suddenly act out of place it’s suddenly f’ing hilarious?

And another thing why does everyone want to read the books I’ve checked out from the library?

P.S. I am a NERD nerdy retarded girl vs. Murphy’s Law.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Insanity at its finest!

Urghhhh….Yesterday afternoon I was sitting in the multimedia lab trying to work on a dastardly desktop publishing assignment, but I couldn’t seem to be motivated. I still haven’t finished it.
Not to mention I was incredibly stressed because of it. When this happens little things set me off into irritation. For instance someone typing at a computer nearby was annoying me to know end. I wanted ear plugs to stop the constant typing. Ahhahahahahhaha! God help me! Certain ways of typing on a keyboard irritates me for some reason. Another that gets me is constant sniffling and the sound of people eating crunchy things, like nuts. I want to scream. SCREAM!

By the end of reading this paragraph you may have denoted that I am insane. INSANE! Sometimes I worry that I am a sociopath nut case crazy sociopath person.
They always say it’s the quiet ones. Sometimes my dream reflect my insanity, more on that later.

As if that hadn’t irritated me enough my friend Nick kept bugging me for help on his assignment. I didn’t mind helping him on his assignment. In fact I asked for his help too, but he went on and on about Stargate, Air Cadets and Transformers. I finally told him in some exasperation, which I think was a bit rude that I don’t want to talk about it anymore and that I really had no interest in the stuff. He seriously talks about it every time I see him. I think I upset or hurt his feelings because he kept asking me why I hated it. I don’t know I just do!

Speaking of dreams… After reading Chris’s blog I remembered some very strange dreams I have had. I call them the comically amusing trio, because they aren’t really scary but I am highly amused by them.

Dream 1:

In one dream I am about to make kissy with a very beautiful man, who oddly kept changing in appearance.

In my dream we were sitting on my bed and I was holding my red binder that I use at university. Coincidentally we talked about university he said that the lecture was an idiot because he didn’t like to accept others opinions and for some reason I thought of my old journalism lecturer Bruce Honeywill. Which I think is highly unlikely.
The man was getting very cosy with me and he said the smell of my hair should be bottled into a perfume because it smelt so lovely. Then he changed into Hugh Jackman. He put his arm around me and I sensed he wanted to kiss me so I said that I wanted to put my binder away and he said, quiet seductively “OK but don’t be long.”

So I made a detour to the bathroom and began to brush my teeth, I somehow became aware I was dreaming and said I can’t believe I am going to make out with him. I hope I don’t wake up and there was some anxiety as to whether my alarm clock would wake me, but at the same time I was really excited about it.

Then I rigorously brushed my teeth to the point that my gums were bleeding. When I spat out the toothpaste it was reddish green. When I was finished I looked in the mirror and I screamed, but there was nothing wrong with my teeth, they just looked the same. THE END!

Dream 2:

It was a bizarre dream which was dark and scary like a zombie holocaust movie. But instead of everyone turning into zombies I turned into Pegasus, except I am purple with pink wings, but my wings are flimsy and bat like. Then a guy whom I am in love with in the dream turns into satyr, but he is about to turn into a zombie.

Then two men wearing black suits, whom look like the Men In Black one looked like Will Smith so I assumed it must of have been and the other looked like some random guy who shall not be named type character show up and rescue us in a helicopter.

They never talk but I understand what is going on. I then have to drop my satyr lover from the sky before the zombification takes place. We say goodbye in the sky and I drop him. It was sad.

Then for some reason Will Smith gets all trigger happy and starts firing a gun into the air, while flying through the air. The then throws out an important briefcase out the window and starts to shoot at it, but the other guy stops him and he straps a life line to himself and goes to the surface to try and get it back and I am worried that the zombies will get him. Then I dream that I wake up in a strange room and its 9:05 a.m. and I practically have a panic attack because I think I am late for uni.

Dream 3:

I know I am obsessed with my novel because I dream about it quite frequently. Except this one doesn’t fit in with Song of the Superheroes.

It starts off with me about to be killed in a cyclone. It’s kind of gothic because I come out of my room and where the bathroom is a highly fancy church window. The window breaks and it lacerates my arm and there is blood everywhere. Then my crush Officer Octogenarian comes to rescue me. I stay with him to be safe, most likely to feel safe. Then not be scared of my impending doom I day dream about my novel. In this dream day dream, dogs and humans in harmony and everyone is floating through the air in tranquilly.

Then reporters Mark Mathews and Janie Moore were climbing a volcano near Bamboozle and many people including Sarah Evans kept warning them not too but they wouldn’t listen. It erupted while they were climbing and the lava was purple for some reason. Then I remember the dogs becoming angry with humanity because they felt humans were mean to them.

Soon I become Sarah Evans cat, named Raven Hair, because I am black haired and fluffy. In this dream I am the only non speaking animal in Bamboozle but I think that applied to Fergaria-Finbarton. As a cat I was very fussy and I was angry with the way Sarah made my food. She didn’t “smooch it enough”. Then I sit on her lap while she watches TV, but I climb up and sit on her neck, which clearly annoys Sarah.

Then I become a frantic spectator running for my life down the street from a riot caused by dogs and I see a swimming pool full of grey rabbits and they keep chanting “destroy all humans.”

Then an announcement is made by Nigel on the radio that “Wild Will has been elected Prime Spinster Minster of Fergaria-Finbarton and that voters should be ashamed. ASHAMED!” Then I become a police officer and I arrive to the Prime Spinster office to see a legion of loyal dogs. I would have happily dreamt more but the alarm clocks woke me up. I know that I dreamt about this because Chris and I talked about the sequel to Song of the Superheroes and we discussed the dogs attempting to take over Bamboozle.

P.S. I think I just gave away part of the plot to Song of the Superhero sequel. Oops! I command you to forget everything you just read.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Sydney! The city NOT the person

Today I have officially been in Australia for one year and six months. I’m practically an expatriate, although I don’t like to think of myself as one and might be considered one.

Chris on my first trip to Sydney!

On Thursday I went to Sydney, the city not the person for two days. It was fun, but a completely different adventure than last time. The GRP was the reason I came, but the time left before and after I spent exploring. I like the big scaryness of cities for some reason that I can’t figure out just yet. Here is a summary of my mini adventure, although by the end of if you may think it to be an entire convoluted synopsis of a novel.

Firstly I went to visit Chris at North Ryde where Macquarie University is. I successfully managed to catch a bus there without getting lost and was considerably pleased about travelling over the Harbour Bridge, which made my presence as a tourist known to Sydneysiders. Once I arrived Chris gave a tour of the Macquarie uni, the college where he lives and Macquarie Centre, complete with “catch-up” type conversations and dinner. I even had a special visit from Mrs. Lachlan's Mum in which I learnt how to walk with out my soul being detected. I think that is the gist of what she said.

I went to the same hostel as I did last visit to Sydney. I found that because I was around international visitors that I became more in touch with my Canadian self. I kept saying “eh” after every sentence and fondly discussed Canadian stuff.

One major difference between the last visit to the hostel and this one is, people in my room actually talked to me. I met a Welshwoman, a German girl and a friendly old Chinese woman. The German girl was obsessed with her upcoming trip to Darwin, the Welshwoman, was trendy and cool and the Chinese lady kept telling me all about her entire day. This suddenly inspired a want to maybe work and/or own a backpackers or a youth hostel one day. It would be awesome fun!

On Friday afternoon I went to the GRP it was alright, but everyone else there seemed so much more qualified for some reason. They either spoke Japanese or were undertaking a teaching degree at uni. I felt out of place with my non Japanese ability, my journalism degree and nerd nerdy weird shyness I showed to everyone. Although we were shown origami that was fun and living in Japan looks like it would be pretty awesome too. Subsequently, the things I keep thinking are, I should have asked questions, I should have showed some interest, I should learn to speak Japanese I thought the trip was in vain, but then I checked my e-mail. I now have to go back to Sydney for another interview. Yay! But I suck at interviews. Really suck! I hate it when they ask me “why do you think you’d like to work here?” Or “What makes you qualified for the job?” I always stuff up when they ask me that. ALWAYS! Well I guess I’ll find out in a week if I am successful. I might just being going to Japan after all.

The rest of the day I spent exploring. My physical self and mental self became separated and I followed my feet to where ever they fancied. I started off towards Circular Quay and unfortunately I some became lost and spent hours trying find my way back to George St, the Queen Victoria Building.

Along my journey I saw some very interesting things

- A rather grotesque woman with a very prominent dark hairy moustache.
- A used condom on the street, Ewwwwwwwwwwww!
- A happy couple sitting in Hyde Park lost in their own little romantical world.
- Numerous protestors a lot of them against George Bush and John Howard, go figure!
- Multiculturalism!
- Businessmen in suits
- Skateboarders nearly running over pregnant old lady men
- The twilight hitting the old buildings somewhat majestically.

On Friday evening it came to my intention that I give off loneliness vibes. The Chinese lady figured I was lonely. I found this outstandingly hilarious for some reason

Chinese lady: You give impression that you are boring.
Me: Really? You mean bored?
Chinese lady: Yes, forgive me my English is not so good, I think maybe you might be lonely? Lots of young people like to talk to other young people.
Me: Its alright I am happy to be by myself I am just writing.
Chinese lady: I think you should go talk to young people, you won’t be so lonely.
Me: But I’m not lonely…..

So it isn’t just the manager of the units who thinks this? Chris says perhaps because I am quiet it could be assumed I am lonely. The thing is I am usually quiet around people I don’t know and I although am increasingly enjoying social outings, I am genuinely satisfied to entertain myself.

After this conversation I played solitaire with a pack of cards. However I eventually took the Chinese lady’s advice went downstairs to the lounge and talked with two Englishmen from London for a couple of hours. They were cute, but I mostly liked their accent. I want to marry an Englishman for his accent. Ha ha just kidding! I think I was trying to make flirty with them, but I either wasn’t aware of it or wasn’t in the first place, so I mustn’t have been making flirty at all. One of the Brits said my voice was angelic. Suddenly I am at peace with the sound of my voice. It’s not childlike. It’s angelic! Two very good looking Englishmen seem to think so.

Yesterday morning the lights were turned on in the room, which nearly blinded me. It was the Chinese lady again.

Me: Owe my entire eyes! (I pull the blanket over eyes to shield myself) Did you turn the lights on purpose?
Chinese lady: Yes I think you should be up you having to leave very soon.
Me: (I look at the time) It’s 8:15!
Chinese lady: You leave at 10 a.m. you should be up very soon.
Me: Thank you?

My thoughts on this: Did she think she was my entire mother or something? This furthers my belief that people dislike those who sleep in till nine, ten, even eleven in the morning and have a vendetta against them of some sort. It’s a conspiracy against sleeper inners like me. I think Joan and the Chinese lady were in cahoots as Joan rang me up at 7 a.m. asking me if I wanted to go to Biloela. My brain was on such a far off vacation I could muster the words to answer her. I eventually declined and went back to bed till 11 a.m.

The rest of yesterday was spent with Chris again. No surprise to me but we talked about my novel and future novel about the superheroes characters a lot. We discuss it all the time. We went to Circular Quay but somehow got lost and ended up in Kings Cross, after much walking later we finally arrived back to our destination of Oxford Street. It reminded me of a story about the Mormon family I met here in Rocky, (Yes the same ones that kidnapped Ashleigh and held her for ransom of cabbages) I mentioned I went to Sydney and they asked me where I went. I said Oxford Street and the whole entire house went silent. The old lady replied “That’s the gay part of Sydney!” and I replied. “Yes so?” I haven’t been invited over for dinner since then. Coincidence? It’s a shame a real shame too because I was getting free food. Just kidding!

Chris and I then went to Yoshinoya for beef bowls called Gyūdon. It tasted good. I think eating there was a positive sign for some reason. Now I know one of the reasons to go to Japan is for the food.

I realised my trip was over for a while when I was about to board the bus to the airport and Chris shrugged and said, “So I’ll see you around?” Then it hit me, holy shit I am going back to Rockhampton. We hugged as friends do and I felt sad as I waved goodbye.

However, something tells me I haven’t seen the last of Sydney and even though I thought I would be bored having no friends to hang out with I found being alone on the adventure more rewarding in some way.

P.S. If Superheroes were to be made into a movie. It would be filmed in Sydney, the place not the person. Oh yes and umm… beware of the dog army!

Wednesday, August 15, 2007


Oh boy I am going to Sydney again tomorrow. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! If I haven’t already told everyone I am going to GRP a Graduate Placement Program with Nova Corporation to teach English in Japan. Now I am confused as ever because I am supposed to bring a resume with a photo, but what kind of photo, passport or snapshot? Hmmmmm……

Breaking News!

New Species Discovered Now Missing
By Alice Sycorax
Bamboozle Chronicle Herald

A new species has been discovered just off the cost of Fergaria-Finbarton on Thursday Island by the universes top scientist, thinkers, writers and law enforcers.

This rare species which resembles a big brown furry dragon was discovered when it had kidnapped fellow Bamboozle Chronicle journalist and best selling novelist Sarah Evans, took her to her nest and forced her to say unspeakable names to enjoy the effects, much like alcohol and ice cream is enjoyed by humans and Neptunian’s alike.

However, it shied away from the names that causes headaches, chicken behaviour and the one associated with board games and favoured the unspeakable names that made you laugh and have a good nap. These names will not be said due to their devastating affects.

“It was quite an odd experience,” said Ms. Evans, who tells of her experience with the big brown furry dragon named Bertha.

This new species has been called Brown Fergarian Ridgeback and is known to scientists as Brown Fergus Finbrownstin Fergalarius.

“She was quite intrigued by unspeakable names, which I think are quite ridiculous. Nevertheless she had me say them over and over again. One of the names was of my good friend, but it causes headaches so she wasn’t too keen on it,” said Ms. Evans.

Luckily, Ms. Evans her friends Finbar, a big brown dog, and Mrs. Lachlan’s Mum a sociopathic suffering from dissociative personality disorder rescued her after texting her fiancé Officer Octogenarian 97 times.

“I honestly thought she was flattering me,” says Officer Octogenarian.

They have since broken up over the incident. His suffering from narcissism to blame.

In an odd twist Bertha was kidnapped by a Bamboozle Times journalist Amanda Beaverton in hopes to use Bertha as a heater for her trip to Alaska.

Top scientist at Fergaria Finbarton National University Professor Date Keakin was baffled by this turn of events and demands Ms. Beaverton return Bertha to her native habitat so the university can fully study her.

“So far we have determined that Fergarian Ridgebacks are hydro breathing not fire breathing and all she (Ms. Beaverton) could hope to use Bertha for is to make a nice cup of tea,” said Prof. Keakin.

P.S. Hmmmmmm......I have no idea!

Saturday, August 11, 2007

The lights are on but know one is home

I have proof that I am the smartest person in the entire world. THE ENTIRE WORLD! Or I am at least smarter than my flatmate and her friends.

Last night at about 9:30 driven by relentless boredom I decided to switch off the power breaker for the lights in the flat while my flatmate and friends were out. I intended to test my theory if I could get away with it or not.

About 30 minutes later my flatmate Taryn plus two others, arrived in dismay as the lights in the flat did not seem to be working. I waited for about five minutes giggling like a ten year old girl and when I had my fun I emerged from the shadows of my room and I suggested oh so coyly that perhaps something was wrong with the breakers.

So one of Taryn’s friends went to the power breakers like I suggested and started switching all the breakers on and off including the safety switch, but because she is shall I be blunt and say DENSE! (As I have always suspected by the way )she missed the breaker for lights and to make her even stupider because she switched the safety switch off none of the power outlets worked. It’s just ironic she is blonde as well.

When I flicked on the switch for the lights on right in front of her she revelled in my apparent genius, but for some reason thought it was necessary to take the credit for saving the day. Taryn was so proud!

Little did these ineptly drunk females know, I caused this conundrum in the first place. And I soon figured out they were off their entire faces too realise I had played a masterfully mean prank on them. In the end I got away with it. I feel a strange satisfaction that I am smarter than them.

Melissa – 1

Taryn and friends – 0

Now I am feeling very Fidonio again.

I don’t know why either. I’ve narrowed it down to possible homesickness, seeing as I felt similar this time last year or maybe its because I missed Multicultural Fair.

I feel lonely and ignored. And I feel the only way to compensate for it is to go on some power I am better than that person power type trip, much like Fidonio, which explains my actions last night. Two minutes of amusement of others stupidity made me feel better.

P.S. I am going to Sydney again!

Thursday, August 09, 2007

Friendship Follies and Absurdity

I am bored today. I am not sure if I should bug the misogynist, write chapter 57 of Song of the Superheroes or go to uni to work on my Desktop Publishing assignment. The last one is the most important followed by the other two. The first one on my list isn’t even worth it.

For the last couple of days I have felt very torn. You know that feeling when you’re in between two people or in this case a group of people vs. one person. Whenever this happens I want to side with both for some reason, but I know I can’t choose. This I will say is about McTheif Queen of Lies and Drama of all Dramaness. (Again I use a word that doesn’t friggen exist!) I won’t say exactly what McTheif did, but you could probably make a guess about it considering the nickname I gave her or perhaps you’d think that I watched Grey’s Anatomy to much and some how came to this logical conclusion of her name. Apparently she is up to her old habits and I don’t know if I should be her friend because I feel like I am betraying everyone else. Maybe it’s because I am too much of a people pleaser and I worry what they will think about me. It all boils down to my lack of confidence or perhaps I like to instigate conflict for some reason.

If I were to continue being her friend it would be primarily based on a foundation of lies. LIES! I don’t know if I can truly trust her as trust is a fundamental element of friendship. Every time I hang out with her I remember what she did and I don’t I’ve truly forgiven her. Forgiveness is another thing bestowed upon friendship and if I have troubles doing that then I have no business being her friend again. All in all it’s been confusing.

Speaking of friendship I don’t agree with my other friends so called levels of friendship. He believes there are three levels of friendship, acquaintances the people you know, mates the people you have fun with and friends the people you know will always be there for you know matter what. I see his logic for it but I was under the impression your friends with people for life and your friends with them in different ways, but you know they’d be there for you in the end and they would have the same expectations of you. It makes me wonder why “type” of friend he considers me too be.

P.S. I am going to uni after all, then writing chapter 57.

Sunday, August 05, 2007

What is autosexuality?


Dear Readers,

Recently Bamboozle Police have contacted this fine paper, The Bamboozle Times with a loathsome piece of paper I will call a news release. Many editors such as me find these releases of information that spin the truth, shall we say gay…GAY! Only one with woman features would concoct a despicable idea such as a news release. May I remind fellow reporter Sarah Evans not to reply to the editorial. I won’t allow it!

The Bamboozle Police recently suggested that my allegations towards Officer Oliver Octogenarian are untrue because he doesn’t have sex with automobiles. Well of course I would never suggest such a thing. He excites and pleases himself and is happy with it. HAPPY!

Obviously Bamboozle Police know nothing about autosexuality. NOTHING! Auto means one…and in Officer Old's case he is one. ONE! (Emphasis on the word one.) Autosexuality means he serves himself sexually and prefers himself rather than a woman or a man, in his case woman because he is not attracted to me…I mean men, but then again he is not attracted to women either, only himself. Autosexuality has nothing to do with cars and I might also add that it is not physically impossible to make love to a car just ask Finbarpurpleton’s brother Frederick. This we call automosexuality which is something completely different than autosexual.

The Bamboozle Police Department can be rest assured Officer Old can use his police cruiser and read automobile magazines, as well as the automobile section in Bamboozle Times found in Thursday’s paper. Coincidentally the one who writes the auto section, Bill Stevens, is gay. GAY!

As for Officer Dickheads narcissism, that is directly related to autosexuality. DIRECTLY RELATED! You see Narcissus, whom the terrible medical condition of narcissism is named after was considered an autosexual because he was in love with his entire self. HIS ENTIRE SELF! Officer Octogenarian is in love with himself. Coincidence I think not. NOT!

Officer Octogenarian as person who truly satisfies themselves without the need of another human has nothing to be ashamed of. He should however be ashamed of keeping his sexuality a secret as it’s everyone’s right in Bamboozle to know about his sexual preferences, specifically woman featured ones who want to have babies with him. Those women should be ashamed of themselves.

May I remind you no other human can satisfy their sexual needs like themselves! THEIR ENTIRE SELVES! You should all try it, and then you may understand where the beautiful officer is coming from. I commend him for his choice as he is helping to stop the cycle of death caused by woman and their ogling of their womanly features.

In sad news Charles Barrynice has died and gone to photocopier heaven. He was murdered by Fat Bandit. MURDERED! Oh and three reporters possibly died from a brain melting attack by Ultra Nerd. They can be replaced, but Charles cannot. I ask fellow readers to have his family, the computer at the end of the newsroom, the black office chair in the advertising department, me Nigel and the television set in the staff lounge in their hearts at this very troubling moment.

Today’s outings are as follows and there are a lot of them no thanks to fellow information given to me.

Bill Stevens
Paul McNewberrys
Officer Octogenarian
Philis Philmore
Christopher Applebottom
Cuthbert Higgensbottom
Finbarpurpleton Fergarius
Frederick Fergarius
Bamboozle Police Chief Arthur Wally
Bamboozle Communications Officer, Jo Jackilantern.

Thank you,
Nigel Bottington,
Editor in Chief

P.S. I am regretful of the potential for upsetting one but Nigel demanded I post this.

Saturday, August 04, 2007

Emphasis on Information!

Well, well, well it’s been a few days since I’ve written. In case your wonder this is another informatory (Is that even a word?) entry that after almost a month, yes an entire month Chapter 56 is finally finished. FINALLY! I’ve narrowed it down to an ending. Two more chapters plus an epilogue, so stay tuned. But then of course I am going to re-write the entire novel, with hopes of publishing it.

Carol wants to visit again for an entire month, emphasis on the words wants and month. Good luck Carol! I don’t mean that sarcastically either.
Officer Octogenarian off duty and autosexual?

The following statments have been released by the Bamboozle Police department.

Recently Editor in Chief of Bamboozle Nigel Bottington who posses the power of gaydar, much like the superhero Captain Bottlepop has outed fellow police Officer Oliver Octogenarian as an ‘autosexual.’

This rumour can be seen as disgustingly untrue by Officer Octogenarian.

The police department believes autosexuality does not exist, as any man or woman would not willingly have relations automobiles as it is physically impossible. Only can it be done inside with two people and Octogenarian is only one person.

This is considered a serious medical condition by many psychologists and to be safe Officer Octogenarian has been banned from reading automobile related magazines and websites and will not be allowed to use his police cruiser, while we investigate his sexuality further.

“We ask fellow Bamboozoolians to stop stalking Officer Octogenarian and suggesting he take Chramyelonia,” said Bamboozle Police Chief Arthur Wally. “He is still an officer of the law and he is no way sick. Have some respect.”

As the community at large may already know Officer Octogenarian is a self proclaimed narcissist, which has been proven to be a medical condition, most likely from starring at mirrors to long and ingesting Narcissus flowers. He has since been ordered to procure a diet of bubble gum flavoured ice cream, diet soft drink and lemon tarts to cure his self infatuation with himself.

However, Chief Wally said narcissism only annoys colleagues and people and it in no way affects his judgement as a police officer.

“I have suggested to Octogenarian on many occasions that perhaps he should be a model or an actor,” he said. “Well maybe more so of a model rather than an actor, but other than that I would say he is a damn fine police officer. I mean that in the literal sense not the physical.”

P.S. I hope no one is offended by these comments. By the way Officer Octogenarian is still not sure what Nigel means by “autosexual”

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

My double life at the Morning Bully

Today a strange thing happened to me, while on my day of the job as features writer for the advertising department of the Morning Bulletin I suddenly hated writing. I just couldn’t do it I had to force it on the screen. I wonder if maybe it’s because I was suddenly being paid do something I consider a hobby and because of the pay element my perspective on writing changed to the point that I considered it work and no longer a pastime. Or maybe it’s because I am writing but it isn’t journalism like I originally intended?

Yes, yes in case I haven’t already told anyone I finally have a job as a features writer for the advertising department. So I should say I am writing advertorial. Writing for advertising is much different than journalism and it’s not as exciting. However, I am being paid to write so I should be happy.

Here are some common questions I’ve been asked since I started at the Morning Bulletin.

Is there a photocopier named Charles?

No, but I am sure it copies very well.

Now that you work for the advertising department why do they not like the journalists using their mail boxes?

Someone for the ad department said the following to me when I asked:

Because it’s the advertisers mail boxes you twat! You journalists think you own the entire paper. THE ENTIRE PAPER! But, what you don’t realises is that with out our skills in pursing clients to advertise and by that I mean tricking, the entire paper would be rubbish and there would be no money. So kindly stay away from our mail boxes thank you very much.

What’s the editor like? Is he like Nigel?

No the editor is friendly a pregnant old lady man, masquerading as John Howard. The reason I say this is because he sounds like him, therefore it must be him. IT HAS TO BE! I am never wrong. NEVER!

So what kind of stuff do you encounter in your double life as a Morning Bully? Is it different from the way Bamboozle Times operates?

Yes it is a lot different. The Morning Bulletin’s motto is “Local news means the world to us.” Where as Bamboozle Times is “We’re that way.” So the main difference is both papers cater to completely different audiences. Also The Bully has blue painted walls where as the Bamboozle Times has purple.

Another difference a BIG difference there is no Nigel. In fact a lot of the staff are woman so if Nigel did ever show up I am sure he wouldn’t remain in their good books for long.

Any rogue journalists from Bamboozle Times?

However there is a raven haired journalist, not named Sarah and there is a journo that looks suspiciously like Bill, which is odd because he supposedly died by a beanstalk impalement a couple of months ago. This leads me to believe that he is faking his entire death. HIS ENTIRE DEATH! There is a NERD nerdy retarded weird boy photographer rather than a girl. Oh yes and there is me. Nigel said that if I ever came back to Bamboozle Times Norma would throw me out the window.

Now that you’re in the journalism circle are there any cute journo’s to pick from?

Not really…90 per cent of the entire staff is female and to put like Philis…”I’m not that way.” I am still holding out for Officer Octogenarian, but he hasn’t arrived in the newsroom yet, as there have been no peculiar attacks, fires, attacks or disturbances yet….yet.

Is there a big brown dog running the elevator?

No and no. The Morning Bulletin doesn’t have an elevator and I am sure if there was they wouldn’t need a big brown dog to operate it. It has flight stairs to the newsroom. Also I don’t think dogs are allowed either.

Anything unusual about the Morning Bulletin?

I believe one reporter is on the look out for a Brown Fergus Finbrownstin Fergalarius a.k.a. Brown Fergarian Ridge Back a.k.a. a big brown furry dragon. She hopes to employ him as a heater during the winter months.

I got a HD on my Sexualities and Representation presentation yay!