THIS JUST IN NIGEL'S RESPONSE TO BAMBOOZLE POLICE DEPARTMENTS STATEMENT!
Recently Bamboozle Police have contacted this fine paper, The Bamboozle Times with a loathsome piece of paper I will call a news release. Many editors such as me find these releases of information that spin the truth, shall we say gay…GAY! Only one with woman features would concoct a despicable idea such as a news release. May I remind fellow reporter Sarah Evans not to reply to the editorial. I won’t allow it!
The Bamboozle Police recently suggested that my allegations towards Officer Oliver Octogenarian are untrue because he doesn’t have sex with automobiles. Well of course I would never suggest such a thing. He excites and pleases himself and is happy with it. HAPPY!
Obviously Bamboozle Police know nothing about autosexuality. NOTHING! Auto means one…and in Officer Old's case he is one. ONE! (Emphasis on the word one.) Autosexuality means he serves himself sexually and prefers himself rather than a woman or a man, in his case woman because he is not attracted to me…I mean men, but then again he is not attracted to women either, only himself. Autosexuality has nothing to do with cars and I might also add that it is not physically impossible to make love to a car just ask Finbarpurpleton’s brother Frederick. This we call automosexuality which is something completely different than autosexual.
The Bamboozle Police Department can be rest assured Officer Old can use his police cruiser and read automobile magazines, as well as the automobile section in Bamboozle Times found in Thursday’s paper. Coincidentally the one who writes the auto section, Bill Stevens, is gay. GAY!
As for Officer Dickheads narcissism, that is directly related to autosexuality. DIRECTLY RELATED! You see Narcissus, whom the terrible medical condition of narcissism is named after was considered an autosexual because he was in love with his entire self. HIS ENTIRE SELF! Officer Octogenarian is in love with himself. Coincidence I think not. NOT!
Officer Octogenarian as person who truly satisfies themselves without the need of another human has nothing to be ashamed of. He should however be ashamed of keeping his sexuality a secret as it’s everyone’s right in Bamboozle to know about his sexual preferences, specifically woman featured ones who want to have babies with him. Those women should be ashamed of themselves.
May I remind you no other human can satisfy their sexual needs like themselves! THEIR ENTIRE SELVES! You should all try it, and then you may understand where the beautiful officer is coming from. I commend him for his choice as he is helping to stop the cycle of death caused by woman and their ogling of their womanly features.
In sad news Charles Barrynice has died and gone to photocopier heaven. He was murdered by Fat Bandit. MURDERED! Oh and three reporters possibly died from a brain melting attack by Ultra Nerd. They can be replaced, but Charles cannot. I ask fellow readers to have his family, the computer at the end of the newsroom, the black office chair in the advertising department, me Nigel and the television set in the staff lounge in their hearts at this very troubling moment.
Today’s outings are as follows and there are a lot of them no thanks to fellow information given to me.
Bamboozle Police Chief Arthur Wally
Bamboozle Communications Officer, Jo Jackilantern.
Editor in Chief
P.S. I am regretful of the potential for upsetting one but Nigel demanded I post this.
A Life of Choice
8 years ago