Life and times of an astrophysist who is actually a former journalism student who is really a NERD nerdy retarded weird girl pretending to be an astrophysisist...mispelling INTENDED!

NERD nerdy retarded weird girl central...well mostly my mussings and random interludes whilst I am working towards getting a car and licence so my random adventures and time spent in Australia was worth while. It should be intersting Enjoy! While in Australia...I was sunburnt,went to Sydney and wrote my first novel. So far back in Canadia I have been couch hoping and meandering from city to city. More adventures to come. Hopefully they are as interesting as my Australia ones.

Sunday, December 05, 2010

Analyzing passive aggressive?

I guess its good I made this blog private, because I can be a little more open, this time it’s more about sharing with people I invited, rather then the whole world. I don’t want the whole anonymous B.S. to happen again. I was looking over previous comments and I found more comments from the anonymous commenter (s) why does it still bother me? I thought I was over this?

So I re-read some of the stuff I wrote when I was overcome with the jealousy bug and it was mean and I’ve come to realise that perhaps I never knew this girl at all. If there was ever a potential for friendship it ended the day I decided to post my deep and darkest feelings. The funny thing is I remember before I posted it thinking this will get me into big trouble. And it seems like the last dream I wrote about…

Then I dreamt last night I was telling my friends about this girl in a similar non-identifying style of this blog and one friend knew who I was talking about. I was angry in this dream because I was frustrated with this person and said I have no one to vent too or say how I am feeling because of the backlash it would cause. I had no friends at the end of the dream, I ran away screaming and crying yet again.

…was a self fulfilling prophesy! I mean I did have a one on one conversation with a friend. I realised what I did was horrible I ran away crying and I don’t think my relationship with any of my friends has been the same since….

Mind you deep down I wanted to write it too.

It’s awkward as, hanging around with her. I am keeping this poisonous secret and its making me bitter to know end!

So I guess now it’s not a poisonous secret. It brings me back to my previous entry, where I acknowledged there are different interpretations of texts. They don’t say the pen is mightier then the sword for nothing.

Maybe I was being passive aggressive. In fact I really wish I could come up with a good description of what passive aggressiveness is. Does it mean the actions are passive, but the intent is aggressive? Passive aggressive is actually something used in the wrong context.

The dictionary says:

Passive Aggressive (adj.) Of, relating to, or having a personality disorder characterized by habitual passive resistance to demands for adequate performance in occupational or social situations, as by procrastination, stubbornness, sullenness, and inefficiency.

One description might be:

A customer at a burger joint is being a not-wat and instead of the servers saying I don’t appreciate how you are treating me they spit in there burger and serve it too them with a smile. They did a very nasty thing whilst remaining polite. The customer is unsuspecting, eats burger, employee is stoked because they got one on this mean nasty person.

Another would be:

Me dropping my roommates toothbrush in the toilet after she leaves me a note regarding my lack of response in cleaning the bathroom. (See previous entry re: Boiling Point) Leaving a note in reply instead of confronting her and explaining how it wasn’t appreciated is equally passive aggressive. In retrospect its just being petty and mean. Might as well call it what it is.

It’s like the little kid whose been told to do chores, they do them they take obscenely longer then normal or won’t even do them at all.

Some might even say passive aggressiveness is a form or covert abuse. Passive aggressive behaviour is actually a medical condition believe it or not. From research I have deduced it means to be outwardly calm and accepting everyone with ambivalence, but on the inside it’s like Godzilla Raaaaarrrr! The person then shows this by doing mean things subtly, like sulking or procrastination. I don’t think I can properly answer this in a way I can understand.


P.S. My animal personality is a penguin :P

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

You’re a writer…?

This is a common misdemeanour I encounter as a “writer” I will say and/or write something that is either misinterpreted or comes out the wrong way and they will say.

“You’re a writer…I think you could express this better, etc, etc.”

Either it’s a joke, a slap in the face or some other intention. Is this a common thing for writers to go through?

Here is an example via text message.

Grace: Don’t forget rent is due tomorrow please! J

Me thinking: Oh brother!

Me: I don’t need the reminders. I think I am capable of remembering.

Grace: If you have something you want to discuss with me you do it in person. And as I gave the reminder to Viola it wasn’t personal and it won’t happen again.

Me thinking: Darn it I had a feeling she’d take it the wrong way…oh crap oh crap she is pissed.

Me: I meant it as you don’t have to worry, not as an attack sorry if I upset you and I have rent by the way.

Grace: Well then as a writer, perhaps you should consider how you use your words. I do need to have a second with you tonight if you’re home.

My thoughts: BITCH! Grace scares the crap out of me by the way.

Let’s just say I spent way over the 30 minutes to dwell rule my friend Chris and I instated, but fudge it really pissed me off. I had to thank my mom for the hot chocolate and the bitch when I talked to her today. I was Melzilla earlier…

Any human who rents with half a brain knows the 1st of the month (hear in Canada anyways) rent is due. I probably shouldn’t have said anything, but she’s been reminding me for six months since I moved in. The frustration I feel right now is irritating. As a writer I know words do not belong to me, but to everyone. Why do people think I should word things differently just because I like to write? They fling it at me as a point of attack! What is a writer anyway? I’d like to know Grace’s definition.

So I wanted to give my months notice, but the douche got one on me and is giving me my notice. Apparently I am too sensitive about my boundaries and it’s something I’ve been talking about since I moved in, but what really got me was…This was after she accused me of hiding my peppermint tea because I may have noticed she was drinking it by mistake and she didn’t want me to think she was stealing my food…Oh brother!

Grace: You know for someone who says we (roomies) are passive aggressive your message was passive aggressive.

Me: No it wasn’t, you interpreted it that way.

Grace: No it was passive aggressive. That’s how it sounded.

Me: No words are subject to interpretation, so what I take from words might be different then yours.

Grace: (Irksome grin) So, when you said we were being passive aggressive that was you interpreting it that way?

Me: Yes of course just like you took my message the wrong way from what was intended and that’s your issue not mine.

Grace: OK that’s all I wanted to say…

I am sick of people thinking they understand how I think or how I should act, speak or write because I am thought of as a writer. I am sick of the wisecracks. Is there other crafts or professions who get this too… “Oh you work at Wal-Mart therefore you should know the whole place inside out.” Or “you’re a mom you should be more sensitive.” It’s like I am being defined by a stereotype.

What is a writer? Not all writers are the same, yes some have the master over words and imagination, but some have grammar issues, some cannot spell, some cannot even bare the sight of a dictionary and some are actually equally good at math (I met a writer who had a math degree). Some writers write screen plays, some poems, some journalism related stories. It was like the time the pastor of my church wanted me to write a poem for church about God. Apparently it was a “solid poem” but I took no joy in writing it. I am not a poet! But because I am a writer I automatically should be considered for this task, never mind my areas of writing or preferences are journalism, journaling and writing novels/short stories.

I am not a poet, and I know it, but I am a journalist in waiting and a storyteller at heart, but I’ve been lumped into the “writer category.” And using something that is a part of me as an attack is wrong!

P.S. I got asked to move out in January!