I guess its good I made this blog private, because I can be a little more open, this time it’s more about sharing with people I invited, rather then the whole world. I don’t want the whole anonymous B.S. to happen again. I was looking over previous comments and I found more comments from the anonymous commenter (s) why does it still bother me? I thought I was over this?
So I re-read some of the stuff I wrote when I was overcome with the jealousy bug and it was mean and I’ve come to realise that perhaps I never knew this girl at all. If there was ever a potential for friendship it ended the day I decided to post my deep and darkest feelings. The funny thing is I remember before I posted it thinking this will get me into big trouble. And it seems like the last dream I wrote about…
“Then I dreamt last night I was telling my friends about this girl in a similar non-identifying style of this blog and one friend knew who I was talking about. I was angry in this dream because I was frustrated with this person and said I have no one to vent too or say how I am feeling because of the backlash it would cause. I had no friends at the end of the dream, I ran away screaming and crying yet again.”
…was a self fulfilling prophesy! I mean I did have a one on one conversation with a friend. I realised what I did was horrible I ran away crying and I don’t think my relationship with any of my friends has been the same since….
Mind you deep down I wanted to write it too.
“It’s awkward as, hanging around with her. I am keeping this poisonous secret and its making me bitter to know end!”
So I guess now it’s not a poisonous secret. It brings me back to my previous entry, where I acknowledged there are different interpretations of texts. They don’t say the pen is mightier then the sword for nothing.
Maybe I was being passive aggressive. In fact I really wish I could come up with a good description of what passive aggressiveness is. Does it mean the actions are passive, but the intent is aggressive? Passive aggressive is actually something used in the wrong context.
The dictionary says:
Passive Aggressive (adj.) Of, relating to, or having a personality disorder characterized by habitual passive resistance to demands for adequate performance in occupational or social situations, as by procrastination, stubbornness, sullenness, and inefficiency.
One description might be:
A customer at a burger joint is being a not-wat and instead of the servers saying I don’t appreciate how you are treating me they spit in there burger and serve it too them with a smile. They did a very nasty thing whilst remaining polite. The customer is unsuspecting, eats burger, employee is stoked because they got one on this mean nasty person.
Another would be:
Me dropping my roommates toothbrush in the toilet after she leaves me a note regarding my lack of response in cleaning the bathroom. (See previous entry re: Boiling Point) Leaving a note in reply instead of confronting her and explaining how it wasn’t appreciated is equally passive aggressive. In retrospect its just being petty and mean. Might as well call it what it is.
It’s like the little kid whose been told to do chores, they do them they take obscenely longer then normal or won’t even do them at all.
Some might even say passive aggressiveness is a form or covert abuse. Passive aggressive behaviour is actually a medical condition believe it or not. From research I have deduced it means to be outwardly calm and accepting everyone with ambivalence, but on the inside it’s like Godzilla Raaaaarrrr! The person then shows this by doing mean things subtly, like sulking or procrastination. I don’t think I can properly answer this in a way I can understand.
P.S. My animal personality is a penguin :P