Life and times of an astrophysist who is actually a former journalism student who is really a NERD nerdy retarded weird girl pretending to be an astrophysisist...mispelling INTENDED!

NERD nerdy retarded weird girl central...well mostly my mussings and random interludes whilst I am working towards getting a car and licence so my random adventures and time spent in Australia was worth while. It should be intersting Enjoy! While in Australia...I was sunburnt,went to Sydney and wrote my first novel. So far back in Canadia I have been couch hoping and meandering from city to city. More adventures to come. Hopefully they are as interesting as my Australia ones.

Saturday, September 29, 2007

Why winking is bad?

I will turn the first part of this blog entry to letters to the editor. Warning it may be offensive to some readers….It is merely my interpretation of the dangers of winking and the subtle homoerotic nature of football, which I think might be offensive seeing as football is a very manly game. Let’s just say I making fun of it then? OK here it is….

Here is letter to the editor Nigel Bottington.

Dear Editor,

I have proof that winking is appalling, especially for young footy players. Last Saturday I was watching a rugby game between the Bamboozle Blasters and Holiday Hoodwinkers broadcasted live in Fergaria-Finbarton. Football player forward George Stevens commented on winger Apple Orange’s poor sportsmanship accusing him of winking at Stevens.

Apple was accused of diving again, and once he arose he winked at other players giving everyone a bad impression. He could have just been saying I am OK, but winking often implies he is a smart Alec, that he got away with something he shouldn’t have, which is bad on Apple’s part. Therefore winking is bad.

Thank you,

Zach McGlonagkic

Here is Nigel Bottingtons reply:

Dear Zachary,

You are most likely related to a NERD nerdy retarded weird girl due to the similarities in your surnames. Therefore should have no interest in sports because you are also a NERD. You shouldn’t mask your nerdyness with football or sport but accept it with science type endeavours. SCIENCE TYPE ENDEAVOURS! Do you hear me Zach, potentially related to Ashleigh McGlonagkic who defected from my newspaper to work at the planetarium with a fat complainer?

Now….football is a very homoerotic sport that is masked by hyper masculinity and hidden hostilities. Case in point most football players are repressed homosexuals and 2 of 10 players are secretly gay. Take into consideration the winger you speak of Apple. He name is Apple his parents met at a fruit stand of apples and oranges and apparently made sweet sweet love that very day, causing Apple to be gay. GAY! His wink was merely letting other secretly interested players that he was available. Stevens was only looking forward to seeing Apple at the end of the game if you know what I mean.

Now, not to sound all Philis “I’m that way” Philmore, how could he be accused of diving if there is no water on the football field? Case in point I know nothing about sports because I am gay I only muse as to whether they are that way. Unless you are going to comment on the football players supposed sexuality rather then the game, never right me again with such balderdash about how winking is bad.

Nigel Bottington

Editor in Chief Bamboozle Times.

Dear Nigel Bottington,

I am Apple Orange and I find it offensive that you implied that I was gay because my dear mom and pop met at a fruit stand in the Okanogan B.C. Canada, which I might add they were selling peaches, apricots and cherries, no apples or oranges. I am outraged!

Football is NOT homoerotic it’s a very manly (The adjective not the football team) game. I don’t know where you got your statistics from but football is a brutal sport of masculinity and awesomeness!! I’m also not hyper masculine and much like my good friend Officer Octogenarian said to you in an earlier letter my sexuality is none of your concern, nor should it be related to sport which I play which is very manly. I don’t sit around writing girly letters to the readers every day which are completely irrelevant.

Oh and ummm I have no recollection of the winking implied by the previous writer…Zach McGlonagkic

Apple Orange

Dear Apples

Clearly some one is concerned about his masculinity or else you wouldn’t have attempted to defend it so miserably. Therefore you are gay. GAY! Give me an entire reason why football is not homoerotic? I am smarter than you because I wear head gear, as working at this fine newspaper is very dangerous. You should do the same or you will continue to lose entire brain cells. ENTIRE BRAIN CELLS!

That is all,

Nigel Bottington
Editor in Chief, Bamboozle Times

P.S. I have made 151 entries on this blog. 151!!!

Monday, September 24, 2007

"Words on my mind please tell my you'll be mine" ~Buddy Holly

Currently I am working on assignments. A lot of things are on my mind…for starters

1. Assignments!!! A few particular headings for my 100 year old lady report strike me in an odd way.

Logistics of Waste management
"Tell them to fucking clean up after themselves!!! "

Departure of guests
"Tell them the get the fuck out!!! "

Then I identified as a possible risk that “Mrs. Smith may die. DIE!”

Definitely not something that would constitute a passing grade, but it is coming along.

Case in point thank you to Jo for suggesting a venue for the assignment, but I am don’t think it’s the same as the engagement party. Oh and I stole an idea off of you, yes, yes I know I got angry eyed about the “My Goals” thing, but I wrote in my report about effective communication that a family member has set up a blog to keep others informed of the happenings…I’ll have to buy Joan a block of chocolate or something.

Single words for report part of Desk Top Publishing….0 fanatical fear of failing absolutely priceless.

2. The same goes for my essay in Sexualities and Representation. Although the essay should be interesting because I plan to use the novel The Left Hand of Darkness by Ursula K. LeGuin as an example. I picked the topic, how does heteronormativity regulate homosexuals as well as heterosexuals and the theme of the story kind of relates. The story is a science fiction (surprise, surprise…think NERD nerdy retarded weird girl) about a earth like planet called Gethen, currently experiencing an ice age, but what is unique about this planet is that it’s people are all of one sex and only procreate every 26 days when in kemmering, in which they change sex. They can either conceive or become impregnated. The book takes the idea of gender and throws it out the window. It is interesting because the main character Genly Ai from the Ekumen a league of worlds like ours has the heterosexist notions of today. He clashes with these people thinking they are abnormal and is kind of angry about their feminine qualities and on the opposite end the people think he is perverted because he is in permanent kemmering or his genitals are constantly present. Soon Genly Ai and a Gethen Estraven begin a friendship which boarders on love, but Genly won’t act on it as he isn’t sure how it would work. I find it to be a very interesting concept. Hopefully the lecturer will understand my reasoning for including it in my essay.

3. Then there is Officer Octogenarian, the person not the character, I can’t seem to get him out of my entire head, although the character does seem to have a fixture in my mind as well. On Saturday night at the clubs the song “This is Why I’m Hot” was playing. I immediately thought ah this is Officer Octogenarian, the character not the person’s theme song. I told Chris who giggled at my theoretical observation. Ironically at the same time I checked my mobile to for messages and the real Officer Octogenarian sent me a message. AN ENTIRE MESSAGE! I felt like my entire heart was ready to explode from excitement as he had never texted me before. It was a fluke as I had accidentally invited him out to the clubs, the message was meant for my former flatmate Taryn, whom I was expecting the reply from in the first place. Therefore my ridiculous school girl response i.e. jumping up and down and screaming means I am entirely obsessed. OBSESSED! For even more irony Joan whom also was there was dressed like a school girl. Coincidence? Probably not.

Interestingly enough I was more scared about talking to Officer Octogenarian then singing karaoke, which I did successfully pull off, even though I couldn’t keep up with the words. The song was specifically orientated towards the moment too. :P

I think I talked about Officer Octogenarian so much after that it probably drove Chris and Joan nuts. I kept quibbling certain things I’d like to ummm do…around an ummm with him…probably the same things Philis or Sarah would like to do the character Officer Octogenarian, except Sarah would have to drink red cordial before she’d act on it. Joan keeps telling me to not get my hopes up. I try to keep my logical brain in check, but sometimes the heart overpowers and its hard not to get caught up in the excitement, seeing as nothing would happen as I might be sent packing to Canada in November… Then again Joan would have had to been there to understand why I got my hopes up.

4. Another thing my Grandma sounded angry in her last e-mail…saying ‘it’s time I come home and save up for my next adventure!’ She treats me like I am incapable of making up my own decisions, yet acts like I can at the same time. It makes no sense to go to Canada for three months, come back to Australia for Joan’s engagement party then head off to Japan two months after that. I wouldn’t have a chance in hell of Grandma buying me a return ticket. I might as well stay awhile longer and save up here if I can manage to get a job. I might have more luck once I am available full time. However, if I stay here, then my mom will be upset because I told her that I officially made up my mind to come home, knowing full well that I could officially make up my mind to stay days later. It gives me an entire headache. I flip flop with my decisions to much and its entirely damaging to future outcomes or confusing the hell out of me.

5. I was mean to Joan today. :( I somehow got annoyed when she asked me where the class was for sexualities and representations, and I said that it shouldn’t be my responsibility to direct you to classes seeing as I actually attend uni. Shame on me, I realised after I said that, having immediately getting the embarrassed feeling and seeing the look from a very upset Joan that I was in the wrong. So I am sorry Joan I seriously didn’t mean to offend you and I should have taken better care with the words I used. Consider this a world wide public apology.

P.S. I am tired and sleepy now…I'll probably end up dreaming about Officer Old again!

Sunday, September 23, 2007

$10 Million worth of mess

Every author knows that a book begins to live only when the voice of the narrator comes to life. You may have plot ideas, characters may haunt you in the night, but the book does not fly until the sound of its voice is heard in the authors ear. And the sound of one books voice is as different as the sound of a childs voice. It may be related to that of other offspring, but it always has its own particular timbre, its own particular quirks. – Erica Jong

Today I will turn my blog over too my alter ego Ashleigh McGlonagkic…. Bringing the characters voice to life.

Dear hopefully intelligent readers of the universe,

I have a fantastical romantical story to tell…I was walking to the bus stop on Monday morning when I found a check lying in the ditch. When I inspected it a bit further I realised it was for me Ashleigh McGlonagkic and it was worth $10 million, more than enough to pay off all my debts and enough to get my grandma Sue-Woman (not to be mistaken with the grandma I do like Val-Lady) off my back as I owe her considerable amounts of money for my schooling overplanetary on Earth for approximately 1 earth year and 8 earth months, which although expensive paid off in the end because I am now teaching planetary science on the planet Earth in the newly formed country Fergaria-Finbarton in good old Bamboozle Planetarium. But was even more curiously the check came with a note which reads as follows.

Dear Ashleigh, :) (Smiley face intended)

Here is exactly enough money (and then some) to pay off all your entire debts and get Grandma Sue-Woman of your back.

You’re sincerely
God :) (Smiley Face intended)

Little did I know this wasn’t from the real God but Fidonio (or was it Fergus) attempting to bribe me to help with the dog army? And hence to say I joined because it’s a good cause. I am now their officially their Nerd Public Nerd Communications Nerd Director Nerd Officer and I make sure they get in the news. I’ll never figure out why I have such a long exasperated title or why every second word is nerd.

My day was going really well, having received $10 million until I came home yesterday to find my flat completely empty. My flatmate Disassociated Petunia Wigglesbottom moved out with no explanation. I was kind of in a mood where it took me a couple of hours to notice, seeing as I had also been visiting with Philis. She totally gives me the brain drain. It was one of those what the? Moments.

So me out of curiosity I went to talk to the manager Ev-Lady (no relation to Hev-Lady...sorry Hevlynn! thank God for that.) of where I live…

So here is the conversation as follows:

Me: Oh did Disassociated Petunia Wigglesbottom move out?
Ev-Lady: Yes…(pauses momentarily) Have you been doing your washing up?
Me: (Silent momentarily thinking oh brother not again…) Maybe not as well as I should be?
Ev-Lady: Well she moved out because you weren’t cleaning up and she just got sick of it. We lost a tenant because of you.
Me: Why didn’t she just tell me?
Ev-Lady: She shouldn’t have had too!
Me: But…but I try my best with my washing
Ev-Lady: (cracks a smile I am assuming she is trying to make a joke) I bet you expected Grandma to clean up after you.
Me: Ummm no I lived with my mom and (absolutely no offence to her) I didn’t live learning the rules of cleaning as clean is much different on Neptune. And I have lived on my own as well!
Ev-Lady: Oh… its different when you are on your own. You need to be cleaner especially when you are sharing with others or else we might not find anyone who will want to share with you.
Me: (at this point I am beginning to turn blue) I am really sorry…
Ev-Lady: (Continues on with rant) I’ve had problems with girls like you and Princess Jo and the Jupitarians. I am trying to explain how it’s important to be clean. It’s unhygienic and it encourages giant despicable cockroaches and in Fergaria-Finbarton we have giant despicable cockroaches.
Me: (thinking: no shit!) I know that.
Ev-Lady: Dear goodness me you’re turning blue!
At this point I am considering melting her brain, but something worse happens. Philis arrives, waddling through the door, like a fat parasitic infection.
Philis: Hiiiiiiii Ashleighhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Hi Ev-Lady!
Ev-Lady: Philis its Everialitiananana (something along those lines) not Ev-Lady, I am not Neptunian I find the Neptunian name you called me offensive because I am not Neptunian. Whose to say it doesn’t mean fat one in your despicable language?
Me: It doesn’t mean that don’t be ridiculous…(YES IT DOES!)
Urgh at this point I am stuck in the room with too fat complainers…
Ev-Lady: Hey Philis you know Ashleigh really well (winks) how is she with washing up?
Philis: What! That’s terrible you’re just assuming Ashleigh never cleans up because she’s a NERD nerdy retarded weird girl and brilliant people rely on fat people to clean up for them because they think cleaning up will be good exercise so they will loose weight and not be fat.
Ev-Lady: Huh?
Me: What’s with the wink?
Philis: Hey yeah what’s with the wink? Are you assuming were that way? Because were not that way, although Nigel seems to think I am that way, which I am not.
Ev-Lady: Well Philis you are rather butch looking and you and Ashleigh spend a lot of time together.
Philis: PUNT!
Me: Oh no!

Concise to say today after this episode I found myself not looking for new accommodation but worse having the flat to myself as my other flatmate Tiara Diddypoos moved in with her boyfriend Cuthbert Higgensbottom (Yes the same guy who used to work for Fidonio.) and Disassociated Petunia Wigglesbottom was some how insulted by my messy habits pissed off somewhere and now there is a new flat manager Mrs. Lachlan's Mum, who recently leaving the police force somehow has become interested in the real estate business.
After all of this I told my friend Princess Jo what Ev-Lady had said and she claims it is King Gorilla Man Boobs fault, apparently King Gorilla Man Boobs doesn’t clean up after himself and expects to PJ to clean up after him and her pink self. She also said Ev-Lady is a sinister Martian bug with beady eyes, who is victim of social condition. Bless her pink heart.

And that my friends was my entire day.


P.S. I had the best Saturday night ever. I saw my Officer Octogenarian :) He gave me a hug.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Roar f**king roar! (watch video and you will understand)

Owe my entire brain!

Sorry if this was offensive seeing as the f word is used pretty much every sentence but it made me laugh. And laugh is something I needed to do.

Today I felt Fidonio again :( I felt very sad like, but I don’t really want to elaborate on it other than I was blamed by the manager for my flatmate moving out. The reason I am too messy apparently. I was going to give a detailed descripton of it but I thought why bother? There is not point to dwell on it.

Anyways I have some good news. Remember how I wrote awhile ago about my assignment that corrupted in for my Desk Top Publishing Class? I got and an entire distinction. AN ENTIRE D! The reason for this is some of the parts of the assignment were readable, mainly the word documents and…and this is important the lecturer saw me working on the assignment in class and noticed my regular attendance. He said what he saw was pretty accurate and it would have been a different mark if I had not been attending classes regularly. I knew attending class regularly would pay off in the end. Ha I knew it would work out in the end. Now if I could just make headway on assignment 2 of the course.

P.S. I have the flat to myself!

Sunday, September 16, 2007

My future goals of aspirations of non oblivion

Sorry I just think this is hilarious for some reason. I agree LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE! If you check out his other videos he has some interesting things to say.

Ah yes my new layout pretty spiffy eh? I was considering changing the address to but I thought it might be to confusing too many readers I am unaware of besides my friends. So I changed it back to the same address as before.

As for the questions about the 100 year old lady? Her name is Mary Smith and she just lost her eighth husband in an air ballooning accident. These accidents seem to happen a lot around her. Her lust for men I mean money, MONEY has no limits. Ha ha just kidding! For this reason and this reason only I do not recommend anyone making kissy with her.

Anyways when I started writing this entry it was 1:16 a.m. I haven’t stayed up that late in a long time. I’m trying to make myself really tired in hopes I will fall asleep easier…I am just experiencing a lot of confusion lately and its making it hard to sleep.

Do I stay or do I go. I was talking to my British grandma about my confusion and she said:

“Sometimes confusion means you shouldn't do it. Make a list of the pros and cons of what you want to do with your life, and decide from that. Definitely don't listen to anyone, not even me, when it comes to whether or not you should come home. It is your life, so live it the way you want to.”

Grandma also suggested I make a list of goals and put them somewhere prominent so I will see it. What better place than my blog right? So here are 10 goals in no particular order or importance

  1. Buy a new computer. FEMPUTER HAS LET ME DOWN TO MANY TIMES! I am so angry with it I won’t even try to rescue it from oblivion. I’ll sell of the parts and buy a new one. Hah!

  2. Finish my novel and have it published.

  3. Finish university and get my degree

  4. Finish all my bloody assignments. I have 1 report about the old lady’s birthday party due in two weeks and a project which includes a report, one essay that I haven’t started and 3 out of 5 short answer questions to finish in only three weeks.

  5. Go to Japan to teach English. On the 29th I am going to Brisbane (not Sydney sorry Chris and Amy) for an interview to do so.

  6. Go to Brazil, for the coffee

  7. Pay off my debts, no one likes them

  8. Get a new camera. One of those digital SLRs heck yes!

  9. Grow some nerve and stand up for myself

  10. Learn to speak a new language.


As an unofficial goal I want to marry a football player. I have no idea why it just something random I guess. As for the specific footballer? That’s a question undecided as of now.

P.S. I think I am going home in November :(

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

I am a great, great, great science fiction nerd.

Yes I know another blog entry so soon. I am just pumping them out aren't I?

Anways, I’ve decided to change the name of my blog to something else which I do not know the name of as of yet….the reason being this blog is really no longer Australia adventures but more of a collection of deep and meaningful thoughts as well as adventures. So I implore my dear friends please give me a name! ANY NAME!

For instance I keep having deep and meaningful thoughts….such as:

People think I am weird if I talk to them. On my flight to Sydney I tried to make conversation with passengers, but they reacted quite strangely. It’s as if everyone is afraid of one another. So I wonder how to do people manage to make friends and even procreate for that matter if we are so bloody afraid and untrusting of one another. It surprises me the human race still exists.

So what am I doing right now besides procrastinating?

I am attempting to work on an assignment for my Events Leisure and Entertainment in which I am planning a birthday party for 100 year old pregnant old lady man wife. It’s fun because I kind of get to make up what she is like. Kind of like a character in a story.

So far she is a science fiction loving great, great, great grandmother, born and raised in Montreal Canada. She moved to Australia after she met her third husband Handsome B. Wonderful (I haven’t decided on a real name yet. I was watching Simpsons earlier) a cattle rancher from Emerald, with whom she had a letter writing affair for 20 years. Her first husband died of cancer and her second she met while being a nurse during the second word war, but he died of typhus.

She has also survived many significant historical events such as World Wars, both waves of feminism, (her mother was a suffragette) and she has seven husbands (some of which died under mysterious circumstances), is insanely rich (think back to husbands), loves 1950s science fiction film, aided in the rise of Trekkies, voted for many different prime ministers, has 7 children, 16 grandchildren, 23 great grand children and 11 great, great grandchildren and two great, great, great grandchildren. She studied at McGill University to become a science teacher, but she had to give up teaching when she had her first baby to fit with the times. She is afraid of balloons, likes tea parties, (not dinner parties) has read hundreds of thousands of books, mostly science fiction, served on the local council, is an accomplished science fiction novelist, possibly a journalist (she used a male pseudo name to gain respectability) and has had a life long dream to meet William Shatner. After reading all of this the lecturer will:

A) Take into consideration that I have a very obscure imagination.
B) I like science fiction
C) Both A and B
D) Wonder what the heck I was thinking???
E) All of the above
F) Most likely E

So my theme of the old lady’s party will most likely be a science fictiony one, the mayor will most likely attended as she served on the local council, William Shatner wouldn’t be coming because that would be insane, her family would attended as well as her decrepit pregnant old lady men, there wives and various spinsters. All in all this could use some work. Not to mention I have other assignments I need to work on as well.

P.S. My grandma looks like a pregnant old lady man wife in this here picture :P and she isn’t 100 yet either.

Monday, September 10, 2007

My femputer

Scene from Amazonian Woman in the Mood. I will explain this one shortly.

I am expanding out of my friendship group and hanging out and making friends with new people lately. There is a computer nerd and his girlfriend that live near I do and some classmates from my Sexualities and Representation class. Not to worry though, I still love the friends I have now. Oh yes the computer nerd fixed my computer. :P

Speaking of my computer....

During a rather stormy evening, as the weather hasn't been so great. I out of boredom and procrastination I decided to name my computer Femputer Purpleton 2003. Femputer because is feminine, not to mention the Futurama reference, Purpleton because my character Finbarpupleton came to life on this very computer screen and 2003 because that’s the year I bought it.

Yes ladies and gentlemen my computer is a trusty female computer that has been with me for four years now. I prefer to think of my old computer as suffering from PMS. It constantly craves more ram (the computer not the person) like I crave sweets, it temperamental when I run to many programs at once and hard drive space that saves every stinking memory I have and uses against me later, especially when I am homesick. (Think pictures!) Then it overheats and randomly shuts off. Now that I think of it, maybe my trusty femputer is suffering from menopause, mostly because of the hot flashes that shuts my computer down randomly but its also about to stop its ability of reproduction, becoming outdated and possibly suffering a mid life computer crisis.

My computer is past its use by date and I am in need of a new computer, but there is just one problem, it is my “writer computer” I won’t be able to toss this fine piece of writer aid in to the rubbish tip. I’m afraid I won’t be able to write on an other computer anymore. I know I can write this blog, some times my assignments and the various Carol/Philis stories on random public computers, but I am unable to write my important novels or stories anywhere else. I’ve tried to write Song of the Superheros on another computer and it really wigged me out. It just doesn’t feel write (pun intended) unless I am writing on my big blue metallic outdated hunk of computer junk. Yes I have had this electronic wasteland for many years now and even though its getting pretty close to seeing the ghost. I still feel a sense of admiration for my computer. How strange is it to think of a piece of machinery devoid of any soul made merely for my leisure and school work as an important symbol of my writer identity? Case in point by reading this entry you can tell I am procrastinating. Not to mention I just created a metaphor for femininity and machinery and compared it to female biology.
As for the Futurama reference, in the episode Amazon Woman in the Mood, Leela, Captain Zapp Brannigan, Kip and Amy become stranded on a jungle planet after Captain Brannigan crashed a restaurant spaceship in which they were having a very unbearable half-date. Soon Fry worries about the others and with the help of Bender go to rescue them. It is soon discovered they are on a planet entirely populated by giant woman called Amazonians. The men are immediately taken captive; Amy and Leela are left alone because they are woman. The Amazonians then bring the men to the mighty femputer, who sentences Fry, Kip and Captain Brannigan to death by snu snu (sex).

P.S. Do you know what its like to be a fembot in a manbots manputers world?

Friday, September 07, 2007

Questioning social norms and constructs

Some days I feel like a mute. I haven’t spoken one word and I am tempted to just shout something randomly on the pretence that I am going insane from lack of communicating. I found myself worried I would forget how to speak or if maybe I am toning my non-existent telepathic powers. I never used to have this problem. I used to be able to remain by myself. I did it so much in fact my mom, high school teachers and classmates thought I was an antisocial, recluse and a lesbian?

How did these people come to the conclusion that I may be homosexual even though I am most likely not?

It all started when I was 12. A time when I didn’t really even understand what homosexuality was. There was another girl near where I live that displayed somewhat homoerotic tendencies towards me, but being an idyllic innocent 12 year old I honestly never picked it up and I honestly don’t think my friend was aware of it either, but my mom read something into our friendship. I remember her looking at me with a sort of there is something wrong with you type look. She asked me about my friend and said she needed help Then she looked me in the eye and said if I were attracted to girls it’s against God, it’s unnatural and it’s wrong. I immediately became afraid of becoming a lesbian for some reason, which was really quite silly. The next day I made an ass of myself and asked my friend’s friend if she was a lesbian. I remember thinking it was hilarious or I was vilifying and exposing someone. She became major offended and I tried to mask it up with a joke, but it made me look like the lesbian. In the end I lost my friendship with my friend and I began to question my sexuality.

It was during this time that other girls thought I was a lesbian and were afraid to come near me in changing rooms or when a chain letter was going around and some bitchy girl said to her other friend quite loudly “I wonder if we should include her are sure she is a girl?” This furthered my paranoia or being revealed as to something I honestly had no idea what was about, but I know was considered almost evil by mom, my grandparents and the Mormon Church I went too.

When I was 17 I always had this feeling that my mom thought or was convinced I was homosexual. She would often hint that it was OK to be the way I was. She would often make comments after movies or something she read that homosexuality was normal. One day I out of morbid curiosity I asked her “Did you ever think I was a lesbian?” She said “yes, but I know your normal now because you have crushes on boys, but if you were I’d still accept you for who you were.” I reminded her of what she said when I was twelve, due to the very conflicting messages I had just received. She said she learnt it was natural from her college experience and that “I had nothing to be ashamed of it I was.” For some reason that really pissed me off, how can she say that it was wrong and evil five years earlier, then turn around and say it was OK?

I might add this was also a belief was shared by the majority of the school I went too as well. I was often associated with the butch looking book reading nerd in my class for some reason. Maybe because we were on the same intellectual level, liked books, dressed kind of daggy and again the antisocial type arose again. Even stranger I was a lesbian because I did well in class and the teachers liked me something else not considered normal.

So when this was taken all of these stupid things into account I was therefore gay. GAY! Captain Bottle Pop would have had a field day. It’s because my moms subtle hints that I would question my own sexuality because I didn’t feel like I fit into the norm. Funnily enough when I developed a crush on a boy at school the question of my sexuality was satisfied enough for my mom that she let it go. My classmates they did not know I had a crush on a guy so I was still constantly asked by if I was a lesbian because they had some morbid curiosity they had to fulfil. Oddly because I was taking beauty culture as a subject in high school the girls I knew backed off, associating me with femininity and normality because hair and beauty was a girl thing. Little did they know I was only in the class for the free hair cuts and hair colourings?

I also remember a lady my mom suspected homosexual because she didn’t have sex with her husband, similar to the one suspect about me and my lack of boyfriend, which I don’t think was a mere coincidence. One day we were driving around town and the lady pointed out an attractive well dressed woman. There may or may not have been anything sexual meant by the comment, but my mom freaked out. She became very defensive berated the lady saying I was normal and that I didn’t like girls that way. Again with the conflicting messages!

I remember from my recent trip to Sydney telling some of these stories to Chris’s boyfriend Jeremy and he said when I was 12 my mom was trying to stop me from becoming a lesbian and when I was 17 she has decided I was one so there was nothing she could do about it but accept it. He also said it shouldn’t matter what she thinks. Chris has said the same over and over again saying “I shouldn’t let one off things get to me and if I were a lesbian it wouldn’t matter and my family can’t touch me.”

I don’t know if this is the correct answer, but for some reason it explained the way my mom and others reacted. I read numerous books about the study of sexuality and gender for my class many of which say things that are deviant behaviours or behaviours that don’t fit into the norm are automatically and strangely enough associated with homosexuality. So because I was antisocial, which could be considered a deviant behaviour and because I had no boyfriend, which does not seem normal for a 17 year old girl. No offence but the later is a pretty narrow minded belief.

So why am I sharing this with everyone? It’s been on my mind lately and I am not ashamed to discus my sexuality. I consider myself heterosexual, but sometimes I am not so sure what I am, but I think the confusion is just derivative from past experience. This just proves another theory that heterosexuals such as myself are very insecure because they are constantly trying to fit into the so called norm, which is why although not homophobic I am skittish almost frightened when others question my sexuality when it has nothing to do with them.

P.S. I am now under the belief that gender and sexuality are social constructs.