Every author knows that a book begins to live only when the voice of the narrator comes to life. You may have plot ideas, characters may haunt you in the night, but the book does not fly until the sound of its voice is heard in the authors ear. And the sound of one books voice is as different as the sound of a childs voice. It may be related to that of other offspring, but it always has its own particular timbre, its own particular quirks. – Erica Jong
Today I will turn my blog over too my alter ego Ashleigh McGlonagkic…. Bringing the characters voice to life.
Dear hopefully intelligent readers of the universe,
I have a fantastical romantical story to tell…I was walking to the bus stop on Monday morning when I found a check lying in the ditch. When I inspected it a bit further I realised it was for me Ashleigh McGlonagkic and it was worth $10 million, more than enough to pay off all my debts and enough to get my grandma Sue-Woman (not to be mistaken with the grandma I do like Val-Lady) off my back as I owe her considerable amounts of money for my schooling overplanetary on Earth for approximately 1 earth year and 8 earth months, which although expensive paid off in the end because I am now teaching planetary science on the planet Earth in the newly formed country Fergaria-Finbarton in good old Bamboozle Planetarium. But was even more curiously the check came with a note which reads as follows.
Dear Ashleigh, :) (Smiley face intended)
Here is exactly enough money (and then some) to pay off all your entire debts and get Grandma Sue-Woman of your back.
God :) (Smiley Face intended)
Little did I know this wasn’t from the real God but Fidonio (or was it Fergus) attempting to bribe me to help with the dog army? And hence to say I joined because it’s a good cause. I am now their officially their Nerd Public Nerd Communications Nerd Director Nerd Officer and I make sure they get in the news. I’ll never figure out why I have such a long exasperated title or why every second word is nerd.
My day was going really well, having received $10 million until I came home yesterday to find my flat completely empty. My flatmate Disassociated Petunia Wigglesbottom moved out with no explanation. I was kind of in a mood where it took me a couple of hours to notice, seeing as I had also been visiting with Philis. She totally gives me the brain drain. It was one of those what the? Moments.
So me out of curiosity I went to talk to the manager Ev-Lady (no relation to Hev-Lady...sorry Hevlynn! thank God for that.) of where I live…
So here is the conversation as follows:
Me: Oh did Disassociated Petunia Wigglesbottom move out?
Ev-Lady: Yes…(pauses momentarily) Have you been doing your washing up?
Me: (Silent momentarily thinking oh brother not again…) Maybe not as well as I should be?
Ev-Lady: Well she moved out because you weren’t cleaning up and she just got sick of it. We lost a tenant because of you.
Me: Why didn’t she just tell me?
Ev-Lady: She shouldn’t have had too!
Me: But…but I try my best with my washing
Ev-Lady: (cracks a smile I am assuming she is trying to make a joke) I bet you expected Grandma to clean up after you.
Me: Ummm no I lived with my mom and (absolutely no offence to her) I didn’t live learning the rules of cleaning as clean is much different on Neptune. And I have lived on my own as well!
Ev-Lady: Oh… its different when you are on your own. You need to be cleaner especially when you are sharing with others or else we might not find anyone who will want to share with you.
Me: (at this point I am beginning to turn blue) I am really sorry…
Ev-Lady: (Continues on with rant) I’ve had problems with girls like you and Princess Jo and the Jupitarians. I am trying to explain how it’s important to be clean. It’s unhygienic and it encourages giant despicable cockroaches and in Fergaria-Finbarton we have giant despicable cockroaches.
Me: (thinking: no shit!) I know that.
Ev-Lady: Dear goodness me you’re turning blue!
At this point I am considering melting her brain, but something worse happens. Philis arrives, waddling through the door, like a fat parasitic infection.
Philis: Hiiiiiiii Ashleighhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Hi Ev-Lady!
Ev-Lady: Philis its Everialitiananana (something along those lines) not Ev-Lady, I am not Neptunian I find the Neptunian name you called me offensive because I am not Neptunian. Whose to say it doesn’t mean fat one in your despicable language?
Me: It doesn’t mean that don’t be ridiculous…(YES IT DOES!)
Urgh at this point I am stuck in the room with too fat complainers…
Ev-Lady: Hey Philis you know Ashleigh really well (winks) how is she with washing up?
Philis: What! That’s terrible you’re just assuming Ashleigh never cleans up because she’s a NERD nerdy retarded weird girl and brilliant people rely on fat people to clean up for them because they think cleaning up will be good exercise so they will loose weight and not be fat.
Me: What’s with the wink?
Philis: Hey yeah what’s with the wink? Are you assuming were that way? Because were not that way, although Nigel seems to think I am that way, which I am not.
Ev-Lady: Well Philis you are rather butch looking and you and Ashleigh spend a lot of time together.
Me: Oh no!
Concise to say today after this episode I found myself not looking for new accommodation but worse having the flat to myself as my other flatmate Tiara Diddypoos moved in with her boyfriend Cuthbert Higgensbottom (Yes the same guy who used to work for Fidonio.) and Disassociated Petunia Wigglesbottom was some how insulted by my messy habits pissed off somewhere and now there is a new flat manager Mrs. Lachlan's Mum, who recently leaving the police force somehow has become interested in the real estate business.
After all of this I told my friend Princess Jo what Ev-Lady had said and she claims it is King Gorilla Man Boobs fault, apparently King Gorilla Man Boobs doesn’t clean up after himself and expects to PJ to clean up after him and her pink self. She also said Ev-Lady is a sinister Martian bug with beady eyes, who is victim of social condition. Bless her pink heart.
And that my friends was my entire day.
P.S. I had the best Saturday night ever. I saw my Officer Octogenarian :) He gave me a hug.
A Life of Choice
6 years ago