Life and times of an astrophysist who is actually a former journalism student who is really a NERD nerdy retarded weird girl pretending to be an astrophysisist...mispelling INTENDED!

NERD nerdy retarded weird girl central...well mostly my mussings and random interludes whilst I am working towards getting a car and licence so my random adventures and time spent in Australia was worth while. It should be intersting Enjoy! While in Australia...I was sunburnt,went to Sydney and wrote my first novel. So far back in Canadia I have been couch hoping and meandering from city to city. More adventures to come. Hopefully they are as interesting as my Australia ones.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Me and Mormonism Part 1

DISCLAIMER: Some readers may find this entry offensive so read at your own risk…I am pretty sure some people I know may find this blog via facebook as can be proven by the anonymous commenter. I also know there are others lurking about whom I’ve never met and could be offended by this. Please bear in mind this is my opinion.

Also take note due to the length of my experiences and ideas on this subject…this may be a multipart series…starting with my story as follows

This has been on my heart and mind for quite some time….The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints mostly known as Mormons and Christianity. Which of these experiences with religion is the ultimate obsolete objective truth? And if there such a truth. What is truth? If truth is subjective can it be objective? I’m still attempting this one so bear with me.

For the past couple of weeks I have researched Mormonism and today Seventh Day Adventists. It has opened my eyes to not what I think is true but what I know to be false. I’ll make this clear I don’t think I ever truly believed in Mormonism or understood what it was ever.

So today I have decided to write a formal resignation letter to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (Mormons). I think I would feel much better spiritually if I do this . I’ve fully rejected Mormonism but I feel I need to do this. I’ve been doing some research into it and I found the template to write the letter, etc, but most of it deals with de-converting and becoming atheist or agnostic.

Firstly I should start off with my experience with in the Mormon religion and religion in general to show how I came to this prolific decision. I remember when I was young between 4 and 8 often attending Mormon church with my grandmother (my mom’s step mother my readers may have seen her referenced as Sue-Woman) and right around this time my mom converted to Seventh Day Adventist. Being a child I was inclined and somewhat expected to go with what the only adult role-model in my life at the time which was my mom and soon my step father who I have issues with and will never discuss publicly. I was raised both Seventh Day Adventist and some-what Mormon. This was the start of serious religious confusion because both have different beliefs on what it means to be a Christian. I was told what to believe and how to believe, but never asked to find out for myself till now. I even told others they had to believe too because I thought I was supposed too.

When I was 9 I lived with my brothers devout Seventh Day Adventist grandparents due to circumstances I don’t think it’s proper to write here, (for those who know me you may ask or I have already told you) Hence they (not the church they are affiliated with) had me terrified of the end of times prophesised in Revelations. I had nightmares about reincarnation and I was constantly told other religions and other denominations of Christianity were bad. I still remember my step grandmother’s library or anti-Mormon and anti Catholic literature. When I visited my grandmother (Sue-Woman) during this time period I yet again was forced to go to Mormon church except this time instead of daydreaming or not really paying attention to it I brought with me the distain and hate my step-grandparents taught me in just a short while. I kept thinking WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! Before I went back to live with my mom permanently I was considering baptism and reading over lessons for it, but it never happened. For this I am thankful because I won’t have to worry about my attachment to this as much.

When I was 13 during one of my visits to my grandmother (Sue-Woman) I was dragged to church. Except this time I listened on some level…I think this time I wanted to believe in something big then myself or wanting a sense of belonging. I expressed wanting to go to church to my grandmother who was thrilled. So when I came back home in September my aunty contacted some church members nearby who agreed to let me come with them to church. I was called an investigator and I was aware my mom was not pleased by this but strangely I didn’t care. In fact I was encouraged by the fellow members at my ward to bring my mom an inactive member back.

I don’t know if I believed in Mormonism. I never once properly read The Book of Mormon, except Sunday school. In fact Mormons often challenge new comers to pray with sincerity concerning the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon, citing a verse in its closing book:

"And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost" Moroni 10:4

I never ever, ever did that! NEVER! I couldn’t get past reading 1Nephi. I had no urge to read it. That should have been a sign to me right there.

Months after attending both church and church groups such as Young Women’s and functions I agreed to meet with Mormon Missionaries. Here is where it gets interesting. I met with two male missionaries called Elders, they usually come in twos, (like Noah’s Ark, Ned Flanders Ark too :P)

My brother was also in the hospital at this time for a leg injury, which I felt (still do a little bit, which I shouldn’t) responsible for. (He fell off a slide at a jungle gym.) I was having issues with my mother as well. I remember looking forward to the talks by the missionaries because it took my mind off the troubles at hand and the unneeded guilt I had. I considered it story telling and fact like. I remembered everything and I remembered the missionaries Elder Thompson and Elder Gaylord (yes that was his name) being really impressed when I could spout off the facts of the church, whether I believed it was another story. In fact this should have been a sign right here, one day they brought another Elder who would be taking over for another one and they discussed the three kingdoms of heaven and I of course I blabbered them all in perfect order, (Celestial, Telestial and Terrestrial ) but when I was asked which one I should strive for I jokingly said “It doesn’t matter!” I remember the look of pure shock on their faces. I quickly said Celestial because that’s the one all Mormons hope to go provided you did everything required of you in this life time, celestial marriage, good works, etc.

Then one day as I was off to the hospital to visit my brother and one of the Elders handed me a sheet saying when my baptism was. Instantly fear struck me. I wasn’t asked if I wanted too. I was too scared to say wait a minute or better yet NO! But sadly I decided to go along with it because I thought I had too if I wanted salvation.

Shortly before I was baptised about a day or two I was interviewed by an Elder who did not do the talks with me, which is a requirement to see if I was fit for baptism (I think), I found out from my grandma (Sue-Woman) I was supposed to be interview by a Sister (a female missionary) in fact I should have been taught by two Sisters. The missionaries who taught me explained to me I would be asked some very hard questions, but  I did not know they would be questions such as….

Have you murdered anyone?

Have you had premarital sex?

Have you had sex with the same sex?

Apparently all your sins are washed away after baptism, so it wouldn’t matter, but they had too. I just remember these ones for some reason. I was 13 years old! Tough questions indeed! These questions haunted me for a long time!

I remember right to the moment before my baptism, that I did NOT want to do it, yet my aunty found me and prayed with me because that is their the answer to everything. I don’t even remember the exact date or anything. You think if I truly believed I would remember such an occasion. I felt horrible afterwards and that’s when the night terrors began….I know my mom could have helped stop this from happening as she had to sign a waiver saying I was allowed to get baptised. I don’t blame her for this at all. I thought I wanted too, she wanted me to be happy and this is a big one, my Mormon family members I am sure would have given her shit if she didn’t. I didn’t find out till about 5 year later she had serious reservations about this.

Anyways, not even year later after I was baptised I had to move to a different part of town. So facing the prospect of having to meet new people and my growing uncertainty with Mormonism I became inactive…of course after this I was found by the ward where I lived. Believe me they no how to find people who don’t want to be found, just read over my experience in Australia. This is one of the reasons I want to remove myself from membership. I want to be left in peace. I went to this ward once after that, but I was still somewhat included in Young Women’s group, went camping etc. Fun times? Yes and no.

I know I have renounced Mormonism 100 times over and asked God to not count it as a full on commitment but I still feel burdened by it and guilty for it. I keep telling myself I am on the right path now, but I need it in writing so I know I am no longer tied to them.

P.S. I made it my utmost duty to refrain from sarcasm due to the seriousness of this entry.

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