It’s 12 a.m. I am tired, but my mind is full of thoughts. I thought I had it all figured out. And now I am debating whether or not I want to get up for church in a mere 8 hours and even bother in repetitive nature of a Sunday starting off with the usual morning start, eating, getting ready, arriving early, some mini enforced socialisation with the pastor, find my seat at the pew, sing, pray, offering (I’ve never once paid tithe :S), sing some more, children’s moment children leaving for Sunday School, scripture reading, sermon on reading, pray, sing, pray again, enforced socialisation a.k.a. coffee time, watch Manny drool all over Pretty Blue Eyes, eat some cookies, drink some coffee, more enforced socialisation, wait for ride home, arrive home pissed off for no apparent reason and ending with me hibernation in my sardine can of a room! It’s not that I don’t enjoy on some level it (although with the way I described it sounds like I entirely hate it). I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t pretend I am someone I am not. Where do I draw the lines?
It’s come to the point I’ve put Bible verses on my wall and now I wonder why they are there?
Sometimes I think I only started going to church because of Pretty Blue Eyes, Hev-Lady and the need for friends and socialisation. Once I decided to go to church the nagging stopped. Here is the irony, months after I begin fellowship at a church Hev-Lady decides that it’s OK for people to be Christian and not go at all. She happily says this and when I tell her this is what I was trying to explain to her all a long beforehand she just smirks and says sorry. WTF? Is she being serious or just throwing my old ideas in my face and mocking me?
Anyways if I suddenly decide to stop going to church again after sort of coming to terms with it, I am pretty sure I will come across as anti-social or in need of saving, etc, etc. Or be told the devil is pestering me again?
I don’t even know who I am anymore or even knew who I was to begin with. When will this identity and faith crisis end?
P.S. I am thinking I am depressed! As well as still wondering who the anonymous commenter is!
2 comments:
Who are you?
You are Melissa, the funny girl with a big heart!
You are Melissa, the girl who travelled 1000's of miles to Australia to fulfil a dream: your dream.
You have climbed many mountains, my dear. You can climb this one.
Listen to your heart, and your heart alone. You alone are the only one who can make the choice to believe in yourself and your right to choose your faith, whether or not you attend church, your values etc.
Much love,
Jo
you are who you are meant to be and no one can ever take that away from you!
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