Life and times of an astrophysist who is actually a former journalism student who is really a NERD nerdy retarded weird girl pretending to be an astrophysisist...mispelling INTENDED!

NERD nerdy retarded weird girl central...well mostly my mussings and random interludes whilst I am working towards getting a car and licence so my random adventures and time spent in Australia was worth while. It should be intersting Enjoy! While in Australia...I was sunburnt,went to Sydney and wrote my first novel. So far back in Canadia I have been couch hoping and meandering from city to city. More adventures to come. Hopefully they are as interesting as my Australia ones.

Saturday, July 03, 2010

A red sweater apology!

Dear readers of the universe, people I have offended, people I love,

This isn’t really a proper apology; more of an explanation maybe even a question I must solve on my own.

I have been had. I can’t even wear the right sweater! My red one is too old, but I love my red sweater. I can’t even write anything with out it coming under scrutiny even if it is deserved, but I love writing. I feel like I am under attack because I don’t live up to peoples expectations. I don’t feel like they want me too. I don’t do what they want me too. I am not an individual if I live at home with Hev-Lady. Maybe I am just wasting my time trying to appease other people’s standards, when really I should use my own.

I digress:

A friend of mine figured out who I was writing about earlier…regarding the nightmares about someone and other things as well.

Things better kept private to myself. This is of course is in regards to some truthful, damaging and subjective opinions on someone that I don’t really know, but for some reason I am irrationally jealous of. Just because I have it in my brain she likes the same guy I do.

I know that I am doing it and I sit at my computer and watch the poisonous words flow out on to screen with a care of who I am hurting. I know its wrong but I do it anyways. I don’t care it’s not like I am taking a dagger and stabbing them in the back physically, but it’s written out for everyone to see. I was writing my feelings out of selfishness because apparently I feel I am so special everyone must know how I hate this or hate that.

The venom which seeps from my fingers to the keyboard is not just limited to this one person, but many others, some anonymous and some not so secret. (Think Hev-Lady. Joan)

The moment I knew I was caught in my double faced activities I was instantaneously filled with warm dread and fear. I felt horrible! How could I dillude myself into thinking that the person I was winging about would never read it?

Friend: You have such a gift for writing and your creativity astounds me.

Me: Oh thank you? (I think I was bashful about it.)

Friend: But then I read things on your blog that is brilliant but not so nice. I think higher of you so it saddened me to read it because I know you are better then that.

Me: I have a bad habit of being a bit to honest….(starting to feel uncomfortable, perhaps even the sneaky suspicion I was being buttered up for an enormous blow of some sort) what do you mean exactly?

Friend: Did you want to talk about it now?

Me: Whenever?

Friend: I know who you were writing about someone from our group found it and pointed it out to me. I know you were writing about…

Me: (No point in denying it) Yes but it wasn’t meant to be taken offensively. I was just writing what I think.

Friend: Yes but you used words like twat!

Me: I feel really bad…that would explain why she avoids me.

It went on like this for awhile….and well… I thank this friend for her honesty, but now I am ashamed and she was supportive and told me I should make it right, etc… I ended up walking home crying in the rain because I couldn’t get my point across and because I know what I did was wrong and felt very guilty about it. Very depressing.

It’s irony because I dreamt about this conversation with this person and I am exposed. I don’t like it, but then again…

No one likes know that you don’t like them written on the a very public space, to be called a twat, told they dress like a hooker or have everyone know I think they are not the brightest crayons in the box (lacking intelligence) or be called a second hand refurbished car which is basically (this is referring to the distasteful car analogy regarding virginity.) to make it known that I subscribe to the harsh patriarchal judgements regarding a females virginity, which by the way is a myth. It doesn’t make a girl any more or less then a person…it’s really just a way to suppress a female’s sexual power. Even if in my mind I think its true, doesn’t make it right or true, it just makes it subjective and cruel.

I tried to explain to this friend it was my feelings they weren’t meant to hurt anyone. I just wanted to get them out in the open. I tried writing it privately, praying about it, talking to someone impartial which was very hard to do by the way. The best I got was someone who disliked this person just as much, which was kind of unhealthy and I knew it would backfire. The nightmares have stopped! I feel freer from the jealousy because now it is out there. Now there is no secret its not weighing me down.

But damn it interpretation is a bitch! Subjective as well, which is why it made perfect sense to me when Roland Barthes said there are no author only readers? This is also why I have some anxiety over language because nothing will ever be read the same way. It’s a instrument I have no control over. I have no control over how anyone is going to read this blog once its public, my original intention to just vent and share my writing for whomever wants to read it, could be taken to be mean spirited, which of course I am not saying it isn’t! So now everyone knows that not only do I not like this person I am jealous because of her relationship with someone else and apparently it is being taken as a personal attack. When really (and I must insist) it isn’t!

I seem to make lovely messes in the act of my writing. Bluntness is my enemy, but I like it. I like being honest when I write, sometimes to the point my honesty is warped into harpoon gun of nastiness. It’s like if you piss me off I may not tell you too your face but you can surely read about it in my blog then you will know how much I entirely want to punch you in the face or verbally attack you, etc. I don’t care if anyone gets hurt until it’s too late. Maybe I haven’t learnt?

I am just so frustrated with myself and others that I bottle up everything so I can viciously attack people. Those nasty dreams I had about this girl should have stayed in my proper journal not on the web. I would delete these entries (there are other about this person), but it is kind of redundant seeing as it has been up for a while and the damage is done. I didn’t do it to hurt this girl. I did it to vent my frustrations. I was being selfish and wanted to vent. I am guilty as charged! I pretty much asked for it.

Do you think I like being jealous? Jealousy is powerful. Like it says in Proverbs 14: 30: “A peaceful heart leads to a healthy body but jealousy is like cancer in the bones.” Bare in mind however feelings are normal! Some you cannot control and it makes you do stupid things like writing mean things on the Internet.

I wish I could say there is such thing as freedom of speech and expression, but there isn’t. Yes I can write whatever I want with out a monetary value or risk being locked away in jail, but there is a price to pay. Someone has hurt feelings because of me. I have guilt that I can feel to the very core of my heart. I have to deal with the embarrassment of my subjectivity and somehow try to apologise to this person face to face. Which will be entirely awkward…”Oh I am sorry I don’t like you? I never meant to hurt you. I did like such and such but if you like him it’s OK. I may not like it but it’s OK. I was might still be jealous that is my problem not yours…” you get the picture!

P.S. To add to the irony I am wearing the red sweater. I WILL not be getting a new one either! I am the one wearing it not you so tough beans. I love my red sweater.

P.S.S: I am sorry!

8 comments:

Christopher said...

It's the unending dilemma of the online blog.

One is inclined to write in the blog as they would a diary -- verbalising (or textualising) feelings that are pent-up otherwise. When one reads this version of their innermost thoughts, it can be a relief as they decided they just needed to hear/read said thoughts.

With the blog, however, it becomes infinitely public and the expansiveness of that sphere tends to make you feel that the subjects of your entries are unlikely to ever happen across your blog, unless a trusted mutual friend puts them in the know.

I guess, you want to be able to write about what's going on in your life -- you are, after all, a writer and one's life is always the primary source for inspiration. You also want to vent these feelings as there apparently are no other outlets. At the same time, I guess, you like to know people are reading your writing.

I don't really know what to say. You have a right to vent your frustration, but it probably isn't good to do in a public space where you run the risk of compromising friendships - it has happened!

Hope you're all right.

C/T.

PS: MLM thinks a good carton of bottles of wine is a good companion to a situation such as this one and that every bottle should be emptied before you commence writing. Of course, she's never been able to get the smell of bile off her keyboard completely. ;-)

Princess Jo said...

Ugh: as a fellow blogger, I can entirely relate to this post so many levels.

Interpretation is a bitch. I have recently lost a friend because something that I blogged about was taken the wrong way.

I am generally pretty careful about what I blog about because I have been on both the receiving and giving end of the hurt and pain a misunderstood blog can create. But sometimes, you have to let loose. As I wrote:

"...my blog is my space. I do share a lot on it: but I do make sure that the actual person (or in this case, people) can't be identified, particularly in a blog entry like that. And yes, anyone can read it: that is the point of the blog. I agree that it is one sided, but that is the point of a blog: I see it as a very public journal of one person...and that person happens to be me, with all the failings and humanity that I contain.".

No one is perfect. No one's blog is perfectly PC all the time.

It's the nature of being a human, I think.

Lidia said...

I'm with Chris and Jo on this one... i think if you censor yourself too much, your blog uses the honesty that I love about it. The thing I love about you Melissa is you are not two faced. If you don't like something, you won't hide it. You'll tell it to their face. I know I can always trust you to tell me the truth. I understand that someone might have been hurt, but I don't think you should be ashamed for writing your feelings on an anonymous person. It is a public forum, but you havne't named that person, and she is practically unidentifable to anyone outside of a small circle of friends... don't feel so depressed about it and let it regulate what you write...
Anyway, that's my two cents!

Anonymous said...

Hi,
After reading your last entry, I was a little disappointed. I love the honesty of your blog and how straightforward it is. You shouldn't have to censor yourself nor put out apologies for your feelings and thoughts. If someone doesn't like it, they shouldn't read it. So don't be so hard on yourself.

Anonymous said...

Forgive me for I am not a writer and am not excellent at expressing myself. But this is no matter, I still have something to say.
What an awful apology. I know of all these people that you write about (as well as being one of them) and know that you would not be able to handle any of the awful words that you have said about them like they have since you started your blog.
I learnt a long time ago from the movie Bambi something very valuable; Thumper admits to his mother that you shouldn't say anything if you don't have anything nice to say. Also the bible tells us that we should do unto others as we would have done to us. Melissa I beg of you to delete the entirety of this blog so that the hurt, gossip, and need for constant apologies can stop. An apology is so much more than just saying sorry - it means that the apologizer will also stop doing whatever it was that needed to be apologized for in the first place. But even after apologizing the hurtful words about others still contiues. This whole situation has dampened my spirits for sometime now. All of the people that you have spoken about with hate have all worked hard to be a positive influences in your life and as this blog proves you have turned a blind eye to their kindness. Stop looking for annoyances, but instead look for the positive blessings that God gives you each day. I hope that you will soon be able to understand the hurt that you are causing. You are not the only one who is hurting and this venue for healing your pains is not the right one. Please know this and take it to heart.

Princess Jo said...

Dear Anon,

To be frank, maybe you should listen to your own advice.

You clearly did not have much of anything nice to say about Melissa, either. And to ask someone to delete their entire blog? That to me is terribly offensive, and downright rude. Who died and made you god?

You have no right, no right at all to decide what is the best method for someone to heal by. Some of my best therapy has been via blogging.

Yeah, sometimes Melissa does go a little over the top, and can be hurtful (and I say this as someone whom has been the subject of her posts in the long gone past). But ultimately, that is the point of her blog: it is all about her, and her perspective, and she can put any damn thing she wants on it.

I leave you with a little thought: Judge not least ye be judged. To me, your post smacks of christian hypocrisy, and self righteousness.

"He who is without sin throw the first stone": Jesus said those words, and he meant them. He also said on the cross: "Father forgive them for they do not know what they do". Maybe it is time for a little christ-like forgiveness, something which you are so very obviously lacking.

Jo

Anonymous said...

Jo and Melissa.

I'm sorry. Jo you are right and my past post is indeed hypocritical and self righteous. Unfortunately realizing that now will not stop the hurt that I have caused in trying to stop other hurts. I'm so sorry for that and would like to apologize to both Melissa and to you.

I was troubled, and so I wrote those words without really thinking them through.

But Jo, I do have a lot of good things to say about Melissa; and am sad that you have observed otherwise and so I would like to correct it. I care a lot about her and enjoy her company. Her wit and humor are among my favorites!

Finally I have a question for you both. I still have a hard time understanding how one can use blogging (without sensors when referring to people) to heal pain. How is this an acceptable way when so many other people will be hurt in the process, and then will in turn end up needing some sort of therapy as well?

Finbarpurpleton said...

No one was named! I apologised. In fact if it makes you feel better I edited all the posts in which I made any reference to anyone I know that was inappropriate. If it makes you feel any better I am not going to write about them anymore. In fact as I know there are a lot of online readers I haven’t met. I am considering making this blog private again to ensure this nonsense and hurt can’t happen anymore.

Melissa :)