The rain continues :(

The sun is out - the sky is blue there’s not a cloud to spoil the view but it’s raining - raining in my heart

The weather man says clear today he doesn’t know you’ve gone away and it’s raining - raining in my heart

Oh, misery - misery what’s gonna become of me

I tell my blues they musn’t show but soon these tears are bound to flow cause it’s raining - raining in my heart

But it’s raining - raining in my heart

And it’s raining - raining in my heart

- Buddy Holly :)

I’m having another rainy day again. I realise describing my heartbreak may or may be appropriate but it has to come out somewhere or else it will stay inside me and brew. For me time doesn’t heal my wounds, it makes them fester instead. They grow into hideous boils that no amount of ointment can make them disappear or cover up.

I am miserable my heart is broken into little bits. I was so broken up inside, that I wanted to tell Pretty Blue Eyes I DON’T want to be his friend anymore because it would be so much easier to give up on him. I know in my heart that I can’t I must be patient and perhaps it will grow into a meaningful friendship at best. I understand why he can’t be more than friends right now and I know that I’m not ready for a relationship, especially since I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’ve lost my identity or perhaps never really had it. I mean there was a brief glimpse of who Melissa was in Australia, but she got swallowed up in the ocean on her way back to Canada. I want to go back to Australia and see if she is still there perhaps she swam to shore and she is waiting for me. I can almost hear her calling for me, wondering where I am.

I wrote Pretty Blue Eyes a letter, one that he will NOT read, but it made me feel better because I feel like I let him go or at least the ideal of him. I tried telling my mom about how I feel concerning my brother and my missing father, but she just reacted with mild caring. All she said was how she wishes she could make me feel better and hopes it’s not about her. Well it is! She’s broken my heart so many times its not funny.

I want to leave this place in my life. I don’t ever want to see my mom, Pretty Blue Eyes or even Tony ever again. They all broke my heart, one never understands me and denied me my birth father, one broke my heart despite the fact that I put myself out there and another stole my mother and my childhood away from me.

P.S. Reality is one big bitch slap in the face.