Lust or Love

Writing time again? Today I am setting aside 15 minutes…I have to catch the bus to see Tony-man features.

And now just like yesterday my mind draws a blank…

Well I am still heartbroken go figure. Perhaps I shall write a story about some advice a friend gave me.

Carma Bubbly: (You’ve been introduced to her in a previous entry. :P)Hello Beautiful! How are you?
Me: OK
Carma: Just OK? (Gives look of concern) What’s the matter?
Me: Oh I had a shitty weekend.
Carma: Why?
Me: Oh you know just family stuff, guy stuff, etc.
Carma: Oh? (Whispers) It’s probably PMS!
Me: I saw him standing with another girl. I thought I was over him, but I wasn't because I burst into tears.
Carma: You got to stop that!
Me: But I can’t help it. I still like him.
Carma: YOU GOT TO STOP THAT!
Me thinking: (Yikes!)
Me: But…
Carma: It’s just lust.
Me: I don’t think so…
Carma: It’s just lust.
Me thinking: (You said that already)
Me: But…I know it’s unhealthy and everything.
Carma: Exactly, it’s just lust. He has a nice body and he is good looking. It’s just lust.
Me thinking: (OK, OK I got your point)
Me: Yes but,
Carma: Yes I know he is a nice guy…
Me thinking: (You never actually talked to him! Grrr….)
Me: He really is.
Carma: It’s just lust sweetie.
Me thinking: (Ah forget it!)
Me: (Rolls eyes) OK…

Let me make this point clear. Officer Octogenarian was lust, lust mixed with admiration. I think this may have happened with Pretty Blue Eyes, but there is something different this time. I just can’t put my finger on it. Besides, does anyone have any idea what it’s like to be close to someone and not be able to share it with them? To feel all warm inside and wonder if they do too or if they even care? I feel all hazy whenever I see him smile. Good riddance to me and my obsessive behaviour. I am mad at Pretty Blue Eyes for rejecting me, I am mad at myself for letting it happen. Yet, it’s my own fault for being heartbroken, I took the risk, I knew this may happen. So why do I keep feeling thing may change? Is it just wishful thinking or a perfectly irrational gut feeling? Why does everyone keep telling me to let him go? Jo says to leave him in the past and I deserve much better, Carma says its lust. The only people to make sense are Mrs. Amazing Frank Sinatra Lady (another work friend, Marlon Brando Woman and Mrs. Amazing James Dean Woman has been taken.) she says if I like someone I want to be around them and I am allowed to like him because you never know how much time you have and things can change. Sam-Lady said to do what I feel is best and go with the flow. The Cashier Nazi (of all people), says that you can’t help who you love. My mom said if it makes me happy to keep hoping then go for it. Amy says he is probably gay seeing as he is too good to be true, but she thinks he sounds cool every time I talk about him and I am not sure about Carol, but I think she suggested that if he does go out with another girl I should be mad. It appears I may have inadvertently taken Carols advice last Sunday to my own emotional detriment.

P.S. I am going to take my brother out for ice cream and play dollies. Ah the joys of getting in touch with my inner child. :P