Life and times of an astrophysist who is actually a former journalism student who is really a NERD nerdy retarded weird girl pretending to be an astrophysisist...mispelling INTENDED!

NERD nerdy retarded weird girl central...well mostly my mussings and random interludes whilst I am working towards getting a car and licence so my random adventures and time spent in Australia was worth while. It should be intersting Enjoy! While in Australia...I was sunburnt,went to Sydney and wrote my first novel. So far back in Canadia I have been couch hoping and meandering from city to city. More adventures to come. Hopefully they are as interesting as my Australia ones.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

I believe in God

This entry is somewhat inspired by Amy’s many blog post on religion, but mostly about the religiously confounding themed dreams I have been having the past year or so. I guess I figured it was finally time I added my experience with God and religion.

Perhaps I should start by saying I have been confused by religion since I was young. First I was Mormon, then I was Seventh Day Adventist, then I was Mormon again, then I was a somewhat of an atheist, then agnostic, then I thought of maybe being Mormon again, that was until I considered Buddhism, but that was before I decided that I believe in God so the previous was kind of pointless and now my mom (intentionally or unintentionally I am not quite sure) is trying to convert me into a Baptist. They should have frequent flier miles for people who can’t make up their mind spiritually because I think I would have a lot of them. I’ve come to the conclusion as of now that I believe in God or a higher power, but I don’t believe in church or an organized way of believing in God if that makes sense. There is just too much evidence in my life that proves what I believe.

I don’t know if my mom accepts that. She says that I am probably going through the same thing she went through with not believing and what not, but I am not her, and I consider my situation to be different. My mom just won’t leave it alone, she says she is not pressuring me, but she is, just differently that Sue-Woman was. Both said similar things. “Going to church makes me happy and gives me a good special feeling and I want to share that with you. I want you to have that same feeling too.” Never mind the fact that I am perfectly happy to go on believing in God in my own way and I don’t try to push my beliefs on others. They can believe what they want. I don’t care, what works for me may not work for others and that includes the whole church thing.

My religious confusion has showed up in many of my dreams. Dreams I have never decided to share with anyone till now. I used to dream since I was 14 or so that the devil, which I never physically see is dragging me through my bed down to hell and I all I see is blackness. I now understand that it may be a sign of my depression growing up. But I digress. I immediately pray to God for help and I reach out for hands to grab. I struggle with it. I demand for help almost. Then hands that I never see reach out to me. For ages I could never reach until I willed myself to do it. Sometimes I am brought out high above the floor in my room towards heaven, but I lose grip or evil hands grabs me again and I fall back to earth. There is always some tug of war between the good and evil hands grabbing me. One time a ghost grabbed me to save me and the other time it was invisible person of some sort. Another time it was an angel and this time I even saw light and then I realized it was now no longer an angle but a giant butterfly dragging me through a beautiful mystical forest.

Then a few months before I returned to Canada, I dreamt I was walking up a long hill on a beautiful sunny day. I then thought I believe in God and Jesus and that he died for my and everyone’s sins and I believe the world will end one day. I felt kind of fearful. Then moments later I heard a loud trumpeting noise. I look to my left and Jesus is in the clouds. I was terrified, mostly because Jesus looked like he was pissed off with me.

Then last night I finally saw the hands good strong ones, which turned out to be Jesus. I told God I wanted to go to heaven and this time I made it there. I was kind of indifferent about meeting him. I wasn’t too happy or excited. He looked like the Jesus in paintings, but something seemed off. Sometimes I could see him clearly with a heavenly white light and other times he looked kind of normal. He never seemed emotive either. I desperately wanted to see the scars on his hands for some reason and I was constantly denied this no matter how hard I tried to look. Then I met God, but I couldn’t see him only feel his presence. God spoke, but most of the time I couldn’t hear him all I felt was a strong powerful roaring sensation. It felt like my ears were going to rip apart every time he spoke. I desperately wanted to talk to God. In my dream God told me that I wouldn’t remember most of the dream, which ironically I don’t. I told God that I believed in him and Jesus to which he seemed or I felt he was pleased to hear. However, he became angry when I asked him where he came from and why he created us. I got the impression it was not a question to ask. I even discussed Douglas Adams with him and some of the themes in his book the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy to which God said it was a bunch of crap and the answer was not 42.

Soon Jesus showed me around heaven and he gave me a list of every movie I had watched that had guns or violence in them, which was 314. He then said the book that was being written about me was still in progress and I am forbidden to look at it. Jesus appearance constantly kept changing. The only thing that stayed the same was he was wearing white.

Then the dream got weird when God sent me back in time to make sure Jesus died on the cross for humanities sins because someone somehow tampered with the events in time and stopped it from happening. When I was sent back to the biblical times it looked like modern times and I was following Jesus everywhere to try and convince him of what he had to do, but he wouldn’t listen too me.

So anyways I was wondering if anyone had any insight to these dreams because they seriously confuse me. I would write more but my mom wants the dang computer back.

P.S. Sydney’s vendetta against Douglas Adams cost me $8. I had to replace the library book he ate. The End!


Lidia said...

Hey Melissa!!!

This was really interesting :-) I don't know why everyone else in the world seems to have such interesting dreams and I dream of mundane things - like going shopping or to the park :-(

I don't really have an insight into your dreams... I'm really confused by dreams to begin with... are they prophetic, or just images of things you have unconsciously thought and are bringing back? I loved God's answer to the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy though ;-)

I get where you are coming from in believing in God, but not getting caught up in organised religion. I think this is a really smart thing to do. I think spirituality touches us in different ways. Your mum feels it when she goes to church, whereas you might feel it when you are writing or dreaming.

Anyway, I hope you are well!


Princess Jo said...

Melissa: firstly: you have some fantastic dreams! My dreams seem to mostly consist of running away, dying, killing or other violence....Wonder what that says? Something deep, I am sure...maybe I am a messed up individual!

I share your confusion over religion. I agree with what works for you may not work for others...I believe in an ultimate being: but not an Abrahmic 'God' type figure! And this ultimate figure in my way of seeing it, really, doesn't save you as per se the Christian religion: this being just is, and surrounds us everyday... the main reason why I don't believe in Christian god is because he is so judgemental etc...not a particularily nice god in my book....

You certainly have explained your belief systems well, Melissa! Well Done!


Doctor Dark said...

Hiiiiiiiiiiiiii Melissaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa,

I always envied the dreams you had that you are told me about. They seemed so much more entertaining than mine, especially the one where I came out of Phill's stomach... I think I may have once had a dream when I was like eight and I'd first learned about Hell where I went up to Heaven and it was in space and so all these angels were in space, but they showed me all the mean things I'd ever done and I flew/floated(?) away yelling... I guess someone has an unrested conscience. :-P

I guess your dreams about hell, like you said, reflected how you felt about your life generally... were you afraid of going to hell as well? Maybe your dream about being pulled around by hands you could barely see was about a fear of the unknown? And when God's invisible hands started pulling you, that dream was saying that you were capable of meeting the unknown? And when you could see God's hands in that dream last night, maybe that meant that you've successfully overcome some of your fears and can now move onto the next mystery/challenge.

Hopefully that helps. By the way I had a cool dream the other night: I was at my godbrother's house and each time I looked out into the backyard it looked different and I was hanging out with the main characters from the original 90210!! :-D :-P And then (I think) there was this armored alien guy and I looked out into the backyard again and it was filled with water and I went downstairs and started looking for my friends (calling out: "Kelly? Brenda? Donna?") and they were ignoring me. :-/

So, um, yes. E-Mail will come soon, I assure you.


Lidia said...

It's been 5 weeks!!!