I believe in God

This entry is somewhat inspired by Amy’s many blog post on religion, but mostly about the religiously confounding themed dreams I have been having the past year or so. I guess I figured it was finally time I added my experience with God and religion.

Perhaps I should start by saying I have been confused by religion since I was young. First I was Mormon, then I was Seventh Day Adventist, then I was Mormon again, then I was a somewhat of an atheist, then agnostic, then I thought of maybe being Mormon again, that was until I considered Buddhism, but that was before I decided that I believe in God so the previous was kind of pointless and now my mom (intentionally or unintentionally I am not quite sure) is trying to convert me into a Baptist. They should have frequent flier miles for people who can’t make up their mind spiritually because I think I would have a lot of them. I’ve come to the conclusion as of now that I believe in God or a higher power, but I don’t believe in church or an organized way of believing in God if that makes sense. There is just too much evidence in my life that proves what I believe.

I don’t know if my mom accepts that. She says that I am probably going through the same thing she went through with not believing and what not, but I am not her, and I consider my situation to be different. My mom just won’t leave it alone, she says she is not pressuring me, but she is, just differently that Sue-Woman was. Both said similar things. “Going to church makes me happy and gives me a good special feeling and I want to share that with you. I want you to have that same feeling too.” Never mind the fact that I am perfectly happy to go on believing in God in my own way and I don’t try to push my beliefs on others. They can believe what they want. I don’t care, what works for me may not work for others and that includes the whole church thing.

My religious confusion has showed up in many of my dreams. Dreams I have never decided to share with anyone till now. I used to dream since I was 14 or so that the devil, which I never physically see is dragging me through my bed down to hell and I all I see is blackness. I now understand that it may be a sign of my depression growing up. But I digress. I immediately pray to God for help and I reach out for hands to grab. I struggle with it. I demand for help almost. Then hands that I never see reach out to me. For ages I could never reach until I willed myself to do it. Sometimes I am brought out high above the floor in my room towards heaven, but I lose grip or evil hands grabs me again and I fall back to earth. There is always some tug of war between the good and evil hands grabbing me. One time a ghost grabbed me to save me and the other time it was invisible person of some sort. Another time it was an angel and this time I even saw light and then I realized it was now no longer an angle but a giant butterfly dragging me through a beautiful mystical forest.

Then a few months before I returned to Canada, I dreamt I was walking up a long hill on a beautiful sunny day. I then thought I believe in God and Jesus and that he died for my and everyone’s sins and I believe the world will end one day. I felt kind of fearful. Then moments later I heard a loud trumpeting noise. I look to my left and Jesus is in the clouds. I was terrified, mostly because Jesus looked like he was pissed off with me.

Then last night I finally saw the hands good strong ones, which turned out to be Jesus. I told God I wanted to go to heaven and this time I made it there. I was kind of indifferent about meeting him. I wasn’t too happy or excited. He looked like the Jesus in paintings, but something seemed off. Sometimes I could see him clearly with a heavenly white light and other times he looked kind of normal. He never seemed emotive either. I desperately wanted to see the scars on his hands for some reason and I was constantly denied this no matter how hard I tried to look. Then I met God, but I couldn’t see him only feel his presence. God spoke, but most of the time I couldn’t hear him all I felt was a strong powerful roaring sensation. It felt like my ears were going to rip apart every time he spoke. I desperately wanted to talk to God. In my dream God told me that I wouldn’t remember most of the dream, which ironically I don’t. I told God that I believed in him and Jesus to which he seemed or I felt he was pleased to hear. However, he became angry when I asked him where he came from and why he created us. I got the impression it was not a question to ask. I even discussed Douglas Adams with him and some of the themes in his book the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy to which God said it was a bunch of crap and the answer was not 42.

Soon Jesus showed me around heaven and he gave me a list of every movie I had watched that had guns or violence in them, which was 314. He then said the book that was being written about me was still in progress and I am forbidden to look at it. Jesus appearance constantly kept changing. The only thing that stayed the same was he was wearing white.

Then the dream got weird when God sent me back in time to make sure Jesus died on the cross for humanities sins because someone somehow tampered with the events in time and stopped it from happening. When I was sent back to the biblical times it looked like modern times and I was following Jesus everywhere to try and convince him of what he had to do, but he wouldn’t listen too me.

So anyways I was wondering if anyone had any insight to these dreams because they seriously confuse me. I would write more but my mom wants the dang computer back.

P.S. Sydney’s vendetta against Douglas Adams cost me $8. I had to replace the library book he ate. The End!