I was pondering on something my friend told me the other day. How I am not making anyone feel awkward only myself. It's true perhaps thats why people don't know how to respond to me because I give off I am awkward and standoffish vibe and I really don't intend too.
I am slowly making new friends but the Christian youth I have met up with on several occasions are nice to me, they don't seem to hate talking to me, but they don't get me and I wonder if its because I make really strange jokes or say little Melissaisms they don't quite understand yet. It's like I am standing in front of a thick glass wall. I can see them and they can see me but no matter how hard I try to break it down it either vibrates or merely cracks and splinters. It never shatters I am not able to cross over and show them the real me and I am not sure if its because I think they don't want me to show them yet so therefore I wont because I am making myself feel this way and because of it they haven't gotten to know me. Matthew gets me I've found a large enough crack in the glass wall to connect to him, and then there is the odd friend at work but thats about it. My close friends worth holding on too are far away. I still pine for all of them.
Some who really know me know that I tend to make rather sarcastic or strange whimsical comments. I think I make it pretty obvious that I am not serious. My church friends Elizabeth and Heather (Not Hev-Lady) take me seriously and when I say I was only joking they still don't believe me! It's entirely frustrating. For instance we were out fishing with Matthew well keeping him company whilst he attempted to catch fish but sadly failed. He said we'd be back at my house by 8:30 a.m. There was a 5 am wake up call and Hev-Lady was deeply concerned that I was invited out to come fishing when I was suppose to be helping with moving. In fact she was pretty irate about it because I didn't ask her if I could go I TOLD her I was going and I made the effort to give her a time frame so she knew that I would uphold my responsibilities to help. However, it was at least 9 am and I wasn't concerned as I was enjoying myself.
Me: I am going to make Matthew apologize to my mom for bringing me home late.
Elizabeth: What! That is so mean. That's so terrible!
Heather: (Scowls at me)
Me: I was joking...:P
I digress this has happened on more then one occasion. Then there is the voice in my head that says Hev-Lady doesn't want me to have friends and some of her behaviours would confirm it. When Carol was visiting in February she was mean as and she gets all cranky or asks to come along when my new friends when they go to the lake and so on and so forth. I think some of the youth don't know how to deal with me because my mom tends to stick to me like glue and I do enjoy her company. She can be a pretty fun lady to spend time with but I want to have a social life separate from her and I don't think she understands that.
So anyways I think all of this awkwardness and thinking that I am not being able to have friends or that I am not worthy of them is entirely internal yet I try to find an external source when none exists. Perhaps it comes down to self confidence.
P.S. I hate working the express lane!
A Life of Choice
8 years ago