I am so annoyed with myself for the last two days I have been pining. Pining for someone I cannot have or maybe have to be patient to see if his mind changes. I can’t figure out when he told me we had to be friends if he looked sad because he knew he was going to break my heart or because he liked me too and knew that it wasn’t the right time or place to begin a relationship. I can’t figure out when I was around him yesterday if I was just feeling a longing of my own or picking up on his as well and hoping he was also longing. Urgh! I wish I could stop thinking about Pretty Blue Eyes (that’s what I will call him from now on) Somebody come and smack me back to reality please! But please anything but the stop agonising over it, it will get better, you’ll still meet someone special, etc. Then I think I might want to punch you in the face!
If getting my heart broken wasn’t bad enough I am slowly watching my brother deteriorate into a deep and dark sadness that I cannot cure or aid him in getting out of. It’s like all the joy and his whole world he knew before was violently ripped from him. I want to throw him a rope and bring him from the dark hole he was managed to fall into. It breaks my heart even more to know that my little brother is in emotional turmoil and I cannot seem to help him one bit. I mean I can visit him, play with him, hug him, try to remind him mom and I love him and he is there because mom is too sick to care for him anymore. Therefore my heart is doubly broken and I too have lost all the joy I have felt the last couple of weeks. And ironically Tony also has pretty blue eyes.
Then today I brought up the issue of my absent father, the ultimate rejecter as far as I am concerned to Hev-Lady, she gave the usual “I don’t know what to say” response. Its so awkward talking to her about it. It’s like she cares but she doesn’t care at the same time. I’d like her to step into my shoes one day and see what its like for everyone to ask about your “parents” or when filling out student loan applications and under father having to cross the section out and put no applicable or seeing little girls holding their fathers hands whilst shopping around Wal-Mart. Fathers day is the worst day of the year for me. It’s the one day of the year that I am reminded that I am different that I never had a dad who cared about me, much less acknowledge my existence and at least come and look for me. And now it appears that I am triply heartbroken just from thinking about this. Anyways I plan to look for him, Hev-Lady can go fly a kite.
Life just doesn’t feel right at the moment. I hope I learn something from all this.
I’m just sad right now, don’t mind me. It’s one of my rainy days. Every song on the radio seems to reflect what I am feeling.
I am merely attempting to write more. Writing is one of the only things, besides my friends that have never let me down; unless I have writer’s block then I know I am depressed.
P.S. I am going to attempt my 100 entries anyway. So there!
A Life of Choice
8 years ago