Life and times of an astrophysist who is actually a former journalism student who is really a NERD nerdy retarded weird girl pretending to be an astrophysisist...mispelling INTENDED!

NERD nerdy retarded weird girl central...well mostly my mussings and random interludes whilst I am working towards getting a car and licence so my random adventures and time spent in Australia was worth while. It should be intersting Enjoy! While in Australia...I was sunburnt,went to Sydney and wrote my first novel. So far back in Canadia I have been couch hoping and meandering from city to city. More adventures to come. Hopefully they are as interesting as my Australia ones.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Rambling towards forgiveness!

I just don’t feel like writing in my blog lately… I mean I want to write, but my drive is lacking. I write at least every day sometimes 4 times a week in my journal, but internet is lacking and well ummmm I don’t really want to share everything.

Kind of like how I don’t want to share the hot chocolate I am drinking at Timmies right now. You can perhaps have the paper cup once I am finished but the inner contents are mine, mine, mine.

Well I could say I am pissed off at someone I thought was a good friend, not only does he give me the silent treatment most of the time lately, but I tried to tell him about how I am struggling with Hev-Lady type problems mainly her scary temper and head games because I thought he might offer some advice and he point blankly didn’t believe me. He said I was just putting my mother in a negative light and implying it’s important to honour your parent’s type vibe. How do you honour someone who emotionally, mentally and physically abused me when I was young? How do you honour a father you’ve never met? I think the more important question to ask is how to do you forgive? How do I forgive my mother even after she’s said sorry to me hundreds of times and how do I forgive my father for not wanting to know me and abandoning me before I was even out of the womb?

He said my comments where damaging and I should take a look in the mirror, etc, etc. So what if I said God stuck me with my mother for a reason and he was probably upstairs laughing at me because I put myself in the same situation despite the constant warnings from people who care about me, especially Sue-Woman. I am feeling angry, confused and helpless about the situation I have wittingly stuck myself in. I wasn’t implying it was in a negative sense. I then told him how she only shows the Hev-Lady she wants people to see, but of course according to him a lot of people are like that. Well I like to think I am genuine and the Melissa everyone sees is the same no matter what. I try to blend in between the different hats I wear, but my mother might as well wear a paper bag on her head and call it a hat. Blah. I love my mother or else I wouldn’t attempt to put up with her, try to forgive her for past offences and seek advice. But no apparently my lack of love is not a question because I wouldn’t be living with her if I didn’t because most girls my age are living on their own doing their own thing…rah, rah! So now I am not normal like other 25 year olds and either I am just being a compulsive liar looking for attention or Hev-Lady is a hell of a good actress. Yes I put my spin on it, but I swear to God I am not lying. I am just telling it as I see it and he would rather criticise me instead.

I ask my other friends, they at least offer ear to listen and basically tell me the same thing “Get out of there!!!” Or if it gets really bad have a bag ready and go to a shelter. I am not looking for sympathy. I just want to talk to someone about it, so I can process it and try to fix the situation. Maybe if I told him the Mean Mommy nightmares were returning or how when she is angry she is not my mom anymore. How about when I have an anxiety attack she gets mad at me because it annoys her and embarrasses her? Grrrrr!!!! I told my mom how she is treating me, anything I say to friends I say to her. I made it a rule. He probably just doesn’t understand because he had both parents and they appeared relatively stable.

So I was worried maybe I said too many negative things about my mom and I apologised to her for maybe saying things I shouldn’t have and I wasn’t aware of it. I asked my other church friends one said she’s never heard me say a bad thing about her and another said I am genuine enough to explain what’s happening and how I am having a rough time dealing with my mother because she is overbearing.

So my first entry of the New Year is 18 days late and it’s all rambly. And it is biased I won’t deny it. I am having troubles with my mother and this is my perception of it. Take it or leave it! It appears that 2010 will be the year I learn how to forgive and that is the only resolution I have.

P.S. In case I forgot Happy New Year!


Lidia said...

Hey Melissa... wrote you an email before I got a chance to read the blog... please reply to the email as soon as possible if you want to talk :-(


Anonymous said...

you need to undertake whatever measure are neessary for self preservation. yiur mother is not your responsibilty or your crutch. hate, anxiety and self condemning will destroy a person who is lovely and sweet and a joy to know! you are on this earth for a reason, as we all are. btw, i work with you and i think you are pretty terrific!


guess who??
hint i am female

Anonymous said...