Life and times of an astrophysist who is actually a former journalism student who is really a NERD nerdy retarded weird girl pretending to be an astrophysisist...mispelling INTENDED!

NERD nerdy retarded weird girl central...well mostly my mussings and random interludes whilst I am working towards getting a car and licence so my random adventures and time spent in Australia was worth while. It should be intersting Enjoy! While in Australia...I was sunburnt,went to Sydney and wrote my first novel. So far back in Canadia I have been couch hoping and meandering from city to city. More adventures to come. Hopefully they are as interesting as my Australia ones.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

It's been done!

So it finally happened. Something I for the last couple of years thought was necessary, nearly happened, then didn’t, something I never expected to see happen and it did. My brother has officially been put into care. I commend my mom for caring for him for so long. She gave up 17 years of her life.

It’s always been about him. I was the older sister, the second helper, the other sibling. There is nothing physically wrong with me so I often felt that I wasn’t important. As far as I am concerned I lost my mother when I was seven and I might as well of entered adulthood when I was 12. I wonder if other siblings of special needs children feel the same way I did Ignored, sometimes second class! I find it hard to explain what its like. You’re ignored but your not, you’re there but your not. You hurt because of it. You feel guilty for feeling this way and all at the same time you’re resentful of them, but love them dearly too. Sometimes it depresses you. I never even admitted these feelings most of the time. I don’t blame him for this. Its not his fault I feel the way I do. I love him no matter what.

I am very much interested in writing a book about this for some reason. Not just my experience but others out there too, the invisible ones. Maybe it’s because you always hear about the parents and their special needs child, but I’ve never read a story about their siblings. They are just as much part of the child’s life.

I won’t go into details of why this has happened, only that I know it had too. I surprised myself by being upset by it. I thought I would feel differently about it, but I don’t. I feel guilty, like I am aiding in giving up on a family member, the only family I have known is splitting apart. I still have my other family, but they are all far away. :( I miss my friends. I'll MISS Tony.

My little bro :)

P.S. I’ll never understand life. I just confounds me. I also hate my writing. Its turned to utter crap due to the fact that I have severe writers block.


Princess Jo said...

I am sorry Melissa. But also relieved. For you and your mother. That now there might be a chance for a reality check for the both of you and your relationship.


Doctor Dark said...

Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Melissaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa,

I am sorry also to read that your brother has been put into care. It must feel like life is taking on some new, weird shape. I think I know what you mean about feeling inferior because of your good physical condition. I sometimes feel really boring because my body is perfectly healthy, no disabilities/allergies/warts anywhere, while other people like my partner struggle with crippling illnesses. I sometimes then feel that I'm ungrateful or that I'm not maximising my body's full potential, but those accusations are probably all my own.

I hope the whole situation isn't getting you down. And writer's block is like faeces that goes up your butt instead of down -- ANNOYING AND DIFFICULT TO UNDERSTAND!

Lidia said...

Hey Melissa, I just sent you an email asking about this but hadn't checked your blog for a awhile! I never realized you felt the way you did, but I've heard of other siblings who have also felt this way. It's harder for you because everything fell on you, nothing was distributed to other siblings or between both parents. I feel like a book on the matter would be amazing. I think you would be able to inject the right amount of humour and humanity into the book. It could be a masterpiece in my opinion.

Anyway, hope to hear from you soon!