Bad attitude?!

Sorry for the absence…I have been busy. I tired, brought on by two jobs, a nagging mother, demanding dogs, crazy cats and a brother who is obsessed with Harry Potter.

So I will take this opportunity to let off some frustration.

Let’s see I think at both jobs I successfully made a tool out of myself…

Firstly by getting annoyed at another bitchy cashier who I am convinced is an entire twat now!

Another day at the express lane I am confined to the brig with Twinkly Eyed Twinkle Twat, (cashier) customers approach, 2001 A Space Odyssey plays just for dramatic effect…Star Trek Lady awaits direction from the cashiers…

Me: (jokingly) Hey did you want the customers!

Cashier: (pushes the queuing button, then grumbly bitchy like) I don’t see you working why should I?

Star Trek – Lady: Please proceed to register…

Me thinking: wtf!

Me: (just to prove I do work too) I’ll help bag!

Cashier: (scan, scan, scan completely ignoring me,) THEY WANT THEIR MILK IN A BAG! (throws bags at me!)

Me thinking: Fuck you too!

Me: No problem

Customer: Oh thank you so much for helping us bag

Me: No problem it comes with the job I am working! Oh I help the next person over at my till here!

Cashier: (glares)

Me thinking: Bitch!

Later on…

Me: (Observing Twinkie talking to another cashier. I push the button.)

Star Trek – Lady: Please proceed to register…

Me: (loudly but since my voice is so soft I was not heard, which is a good thing.)I guess I am working now, so should you!

Cashier: (ignores me)

Customers: Uh….

Me: She accused me of not working I am making a point!

Customers: Good for you.

Me: It has really fired me up some, please don’t think I am mad at you.

Customers: No problem…you always doing a good job when we come through your till.

Me: Exactly she is just being a twat!

Customers: (laughs.) You go girl!

Me: So!

I ummm repeated this for over half my shift…I went into a dastardly tirade. As well as avoiding contact with the evil fiend.

Then at job number two:

I could not pick up the pace. It was my only fourth shift and I am pokey ass slow! It was implied if I didn’t get faster soon, then I was doomed. DOOMED! I think I am just doomed period.

Then during dinner rush, (when all the fatties rock in for some greasy grub) I got fed up with a cocky 16 year old boy bossing me around and talking to me like I knew fuck all. I said so…except I got his age wrong by two years…oh poor him. He was less annoying after that. I did apologise if I came across the wrong way and that I was joking.

I hate people lately…they just piss me off…this doesn’t include supervisors at both jobs making me feel like a tool either or my mom’s friend Erica crying when I say something the wrong way, then Hev-Lady rubs it in.

Life is good. It just my attitude with is stupid! Therefore I think life is stupid! Stupid, stupid, stupid!

THE END!

P.S. I bought Tony Harry Potter 6 computer game he nearly broke my ear drums when I told him the news. He seems to be one individual I don’t want to punch in the face lately.

God?

I find this video insightful. :)

P.S. Today I lament not bringing a snack. I am very hungry….

More Rankin and thoughts Absurdism

Ah yes Mondays the start of a new week!

I finally finished Fandom of the Operator by Robert Rankin. Ah yes I forgot to thank my friend Jo for introducing me to this bizarre author.

The thing with his books you must approach each story with an open mind and be prepared for outright randomness, like finding out 3/4 Fandom of the Operator, the main character Gary Charlton Cheese is a serial killer. The same main character who I admired for his in-depth look at life and death? Who I admit was a bit obsessed with his favourite author a total sociopath and has a knack for Voodoo. However, he is, but isn’t responsible for his horrifying crimes or behaviour? Like any book I have read by Rankin so far it all comes into perfect clarity at the end.

Anyways the meaning of this entry is to explain why I am leaning towards the philosophy of absurdism and its not because of reading Robert Rankin although part of it is. I was first introduced to the philosophy in uni my last year in Australia during the class called the Modern Novel. It was after I read The Outsider by Albert Camus where I had the moment, where one thinks that makes sense to me. Therefore, I became interested in the ideas of Theistic Existentialism and Absurdism, mostly the later.

If I stop and think about it, to me life is absurd! Especially if it has no meaning and the search for meaning (if there is none to begin with) is absurd. The very fact there is a people aware of there surroundings and the planet has to have a reason of some sort. People must have meaning to exist otherwise its absurd. Is this were religion comes in?

Having meaning in our life is not essential because it is absurd, that that’s not to say it can’t be meaningful. If the sole point of the world is to be aware of the Earth, life, live morally, create art, etc and there is no point to it then why? But the search for meaning although absurd in fact creates meaning in a sense.

We can never know if there is a life after death because no one has really come back and explained it all? Unless you’re Christian then of course Jesus rose from the dead and proved it.

The Earth could not just happen with the big bang theory. There had to be a big banger? But who is this big banger? The world in all its wonders and complexity could not just appear out of nowhere? There had to be an intelligent designer of some sort. But who is this designer? The whole search and theories of this is absurd because one can never know. They can speculate and maybe say they know, but really can they?

However it’s all these absurdities that help me to believe in God because without some sort of meaning life is absurd. Mind you believing in God is absurd because I can never know it completely unless I met the (Trinitarian) man upstairs and asked him the meaning of life. But what if it wasn’t what I expected and even God doesn’t know? Then it really would be absurd wouldn’t it?

P.S. I am off to see the Tony Man Features today!

Reading Robert Rankin

Lately I’ve been reading Robert Rankin, who is ultimately in my mind the kind of author when I read his stuff my initial reaction is wtf? Rankin’s writing reminds me of techniques and ideas I have thought of and would like to try. He is bloody brilliant! So far I have read three of his books, The Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of the Apocalypse, The Toyminator and Nostradamus Ate My Hamster and I am now starting The Fandom of the Operator.

For instance, Nostradamus Ate My Hamster is a nonsensical book which finally has some clarification at the end. It follows Russell Nice, who works at a dead end job at a prop house for movies. When his friend Morgan tells him the story of Jim Pooley and John O’Mally and the disappearance of the Flying Swan a local pub in Brentford, Russell begins a mad quest to find it. Hence he is met with a former sex therapist/dancer/barmaid named Julie, Adolph Hitler’s appearance in the 1990’s via time travel, an insect devil like alien which who steals peoples time in order to live, the discovery of holographic machine called the Cyberstar which can make projections of real life stars, followed by the making of a movie using said machine to convert people to the insect devil guy and trying to save the world from a Nazi, robot like future.

For instance I wonder if one would question the sanctity of an author who makes Adolph Hitler one of the main antagonists in his work Nostradamus Ate My Hamster for humours sake. He is apparently brought to the 1990s via time travel and looks just like the pictures from the 1940s. Russell ‘who was called in existence to be the hero’ nearly has a heart attack when he seems him at the local pub the Bricklayers Arms in Brentford. (As any logical person would do.)

I must give full props to Rankin for his absurd imagination. At least I know that I am not the only one out there who can spiel off utter nonsense and make it into something engaging. His writing can be a bit redundant sometimes as he’ll go on a tangent about why something is such a way, (probably for humour’s sake?)I keep reading just to see what he will come up with next. His books are well worth the read. J

P.S. I am leaning towards the philosophy of Absurdism...

Me and Mormonism Part 1

DISCLAIMER: Some readers may find this entry offensive so read at your own risk…I am pretty sure some people I know may find this blog via facebook as can be proven by the anonymous commenter. I also know there are others lurking about whom I’ve never met and could be offended by this. Please bear in mind this is my opinion.

Also take note due to the length of my experiences and ideas on this subject…this may be a multipart series…starting with my story as follows

This has been on my heart and mind for quite some time….The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints mostly known as Mormons and Christianity. Which of these experiences with religion is the ultimate obsolete objective truth? And if there such a truth. What is truth? If truth is subjective can it be objective? I’m still attempting this one so bear with me.

For the past couple of weeks I have researched Mormonism and today Seventh Day Adventists. It has opened my eyes to not what I think is true but what I know to be false. I’ll make this clear I don’t think I ever truly believed in Mormonism or understood what it was ever.

So today I have decided to write a formal resignation letter to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (Mormons). I think I would feel much better spiritually if I do this . I’ve fully rejected Mormonism but I feel I need to do this. I’ve been doing some research into it and I found the template to write the letter, etc, but most of it deals with de-converting and becoming atheist or agnostic.

Firstly I should start off with my experience with in the Mormon religion and religion in general to show how I came to this prolific decision. I remember when I was young between 4 and 8 often attending Mormon church with my grandmother (my mom’s step mother my readers may have seen her referenced as Sue-Woman) and right around this time my mom converted to Seventh Day Adventist. Being a child I was inclined and somewhat expected to go with what the only adult role-model in my life at the time which was my mom and soon my step father who I have issues with and will never discuss publicly. I was raised both Seventh Day Adventist and some-what Mormon. This was the start of serious religious confusion because both have different beliefs on what it means to be a Christian. I was told what to believe and how to believe, but never asked to find out for myself till now. I even told others they had to believe too because I thought I was supposed too.

When I was 9 I lived with my brothers devout Seventh Day Adventist grandparents due to circumstances I don’t think it’s proper to write here, (for those who know me you may ask or I have already told you) Hence they (not the church they are affiliated with) had me terrified of the end of times prophesised in Revelations. I had nightmares about reincarnation and I was constantly told other religions and other denominations of Christianity were bad. I still remember my step grandmother’s library or anti-Mormon and anti Catholic literature. When I visited my grandmother (Sue-Woman) during this time period I yet again was forced to go to Mormon church except this time instead of daydreaming or not really paying attention to it I brought with me the distain and hate my step-grandparents taught me in just a short while. I kept thinking WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! Before I went back to live with my mom permanently I was considering baptism and reading over lessons for it, but it never happened. For this I am thankful because I won’t have to worry about my attachment to this as much.

When I was 13 during one of my visits to my grandmother (Sue-Woman) I was dragged to church. Except this time I listened on some level…I think this time I wanted to believe in something big then myself or wanting a sense of belonging. I expressed wanting to go to church to my grandmother who was thrilled. So when I came back home in September my aunty contacted some church members nearby who agreed to let me come with them to church. I was called an investigator and I was aware my mom was not pleased by this but strangely I didn’t care. In fact I was encouraged by the fellow members at my ward to bring my mom an inactive member back.

I don’t know if I believed in Mormonism. I never once properly read The Book of Mormon, except Sunday school. In fact Mormons often challenge new comers to pray with sincerity concerning the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon, citing a verse in its closing book:

"And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost" Moroni 10:4

I never ever, ever did that! NEVER! I couldn’t get past reading 1Nephi. I had no urge to read it. That should have been a sign to me right there.

Months after attending both church and church groups such as Young Women’s and functions I agreed to meet with Mormon Missionaries. Here is where it gets interesting. I met with two male missionaries called Elders, they usually come in twos, (like Noah’s Ark, Ned Flanders Ark too :P)

My brother was also in the hospital at this time for a leg injury, which I felt (still do a little bit, which I shouldn’t) responsible for. (He fell off a slide at a jungle gym.) I was having issues with my mother as well. I remember looking forward to the talks by the missionaries because it took my mind off the troubles at hand and the unneeded guilt I had. I considered it story telling and fact like. I remembered everything and I remembered the missionaries Elder Thompson and Elder Gaylord (yes that was his name) being really impressed when I could spout off the facts of the church, whether I believed it was another story. In fact this should have been a sign right here, one day they brought another Elder who would be taking over for another one and they discussed the three kingdoms of heaven and I of course I blabbered them all in perfect order, (Celestial, Telestial and Terrestrial ) but when I was asked which one I should strive for I jokingly said “It doesn’t matter!” I remember the look of pure shock on their faces. I quickly said Celestial because that’s the one all Mormons hope to go provided you did everything required of you in this life time, celestial marriage, good works, etc.

Then one day as I was off to the hospital to visit my brother and one of the Elders handed me a sheet saying when my baptism was. Instantly fear struck me. I wasn’t asked if I wanted too. I was too scared to say wait a minute or better yet NO! But sadly I decided to go along with it because I thought I had too if I wanted salvation.

Shortly before I was baptised about a day or two I was interviewed by an Elder who did not do the talks with me, which is a requirement to see if I was fit for baptism (I think), I found out from my grandma (Sue-Woman) I was supposed to be interview by a Sister (a female missionary) in fact I should have been taught by two Sisters. The missionaries who taught me explained to me I would be asked some very hard questions, but  I did not know they would be questions such as….

Have you murdered anyone?

Have you had premarital sex?

Have you had sex with the same sex?

Apparently all your sins are washed away after baptism, so it wouldn’t matter, but they had too. I just remember these ones for some reason. I was 13 years old! Tough questions indeed! These questions haunted me for a long time!

I remember right to the moment before my baptism, that I did NOT want to do it, yet my aunty found me and prayed with me because that is their the answer to everything. I don’t even remember the exact date or anything. You think if I truly believed I would remember such an occasion. I felt horrible afterwards and that’s when the night terrors began….I know my mom could have helped stop this from happening as she had to sign a waiver saying I was allowed to get baptised. I don’t blame her for this at all. I thought I wanted too, she wanted me to be happy and this is a big one, my Mormon family members I am sure would have given her shit if she didn’t. I didn’t find out till about 5 year later she had serious reservations about this.

Anyways, not even year later after I was baptised I had to move to a different part of town. So facing the prospect of having to meet new people and my growing uncertainty with Mormonism I became inactive…of course after this I was found by the ward where I lived. Believe me they no how to find people who don’t want to be found, just read over my experience in Australia. This is one of the reasons I want to remove myself from membership. I want to be left in peace. I went to this ward once after that, but I was still somewhat included in Young Women’s group, went camping etc. Fun times? Yes and no.

I know I have renounced Mormonism 100 times over and asked God to not count it as a full on commitment but I still feel burdened by it and guilty for it. I keep telling myself I am on the right path now, but I need it in writing so I know I am no longer tied to them.

P.S. I made it my utmost duty to refrain from sarcasm due to the seriousness of this entry.

Off with the Oatmeal Cookies

For the last few months I have developed a hobby for baking, mainly cookies and muffins. I am thinking of attempting scones, but never again cinnamon buns. (Those were a disaster!) Where do these delicious homemade junk food end up? In the stomachs of Hev-Lady, Tony, Pretty Blue Eyes, me, unsuspecting victims at church.

This is what the oatmeal cookie recipe is supposed to look like….

Oatmeal Cookies

Prep: 15 minutes, Bake 9 – 11 minutes per sheet. Makes about 3 dozen

2/3 cup granulated

2/3 cup packed brown sugar

1/2 cup butter or stick margarine softened.

1/2 cup shortening

1 teaspoon baking soda

1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

1 teaspoon vanilla

1/2 teaspoon baking powder

1/2 teaspoon salt

2 large eggs

3 cups quick-cooking or old fashioned oats

1 cup all purpose flour

1 cup raisins, chopped nuts or semisweet chocolate chips, if desired

1. Heat oven to 375 degrees
2. Beat all ingredients except oats, flour and raisins in large bowl with electric mixer on medium speed or mix with spoon. Stir in oats, flour and raisins.
3. Drop dough by rounded tablespoonfuls about 2 inches apart onto un-greased cookie sheet.
4. Bake 9 – 11 minutes until light brown. Immediately remove from cookie sheet to wire rack or plate.

End result: Betty Crocker cookies of the good little wifey variety. Mmmmmmm…..The kind a perfect pastor’s wife makes for Sunday and everyone loves. Yay!

This is what it looks like when you make it when you’re on mental vacation, half awake and off with the fairies in happy day dream land.

Oatmeal Cookies (Revised)

Prep: 20??? minutes, Bake 11 – 15 minutes per sheet. Makes about 4-5 dozen? I ate about half a dozen of raw dough…

2/3 cup granulated

1 cup packed brown sugar….wait that was 2/3 rights.

1/2 cup (and a bit) butter or stick margarine softened.

1/2 cup shortening

1 teaspoon baking soda

1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

1 teaspoon Soya sauce…I mean vanilla

1/2 teaspoon baking powder

1/2 teaspoon salt

2 large eggs

3 cups quick-cooking or old fashioned oats

1 cup oral care Actrium adult cat food, sorry all purpose flour.

1 cup raisins,

1 cup almonds

1 cup dried cranberries

1 cup of oatmeal crisp berry cereal (if desired, which I did not, but considered maybe next time?)

1. Heat oven to ummm 400 degrees no wait 375 degrees
2. Double check ingredients!
3. Beat all ingredients except oats, flour and raisins in large bowl with electric mixer on medium speed or mix with spoon. Stir in oats, flour and raisins
4. Double, double check ingredients.
5. Drop dough by rounded tablespoonfuls about 2 inches apart onto un-greased cookie sheet.
6. Bake 9 – 11 minutes until light brown. Immediately remove from cookie sheet to wire rack or plate.

End result: Something that looks like cookies! But did not rise properly and is a chewy and gooey looking in a good not so good sort of way. I think they are edible, they taste good…

NOTE: I noticed just before it was too late before adding Soya sauce and cat food. I was extremely close too! They are pity oatmeal cookies the ones people eat because they don’t want to hurt your feelings. I made them for Tony’s home visit tomorrow. He asked for cookies.

P.S. I have a bad habit of licking the spoons.

Who am I?

It’s 12 a.m. I am tired, but my mind is full of thoughts. I thought I had it all figured out. And now I am debating whether or not I want to get up for church in a mere 8 hours and even bother in repetitive nature of a Sunday starting off with the usual morning start, eating, getting ready, arriving early, some mini enforced socialisation with the pastor, find my seat at the pew, sing, pray, offering (I’ve never once paid tithe :S), sing some more, children’s moment children leaving for Sunday School, scripture reading, sermon on reading, pray, sing, pray again, enforced socialisation a.k.a. coffee time, watch Manny drool all over Pretty Blue Eyes, eat some cookies, drink some coffee, more enforced socialisation, wait for ride home, arrive home pissed off for no apparent reason and ending with me hibernation in my sardine can of a room! It’s not that I don’t enjoy on some level it (although with the way I described it sounds like I entirely hate it). I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t pretend I am someone I am not. Where do I draw the lines?

It’s come to the point I’ve put Bible verses on my wall and now I wonder why they are there?

Sometimes I think I only started going to church because of Pretty Blue Eyes, Hev-Lady and the need for friends and socialisation. Once I decided to go to church the nagging stopped. Here is the irony, months after I begin fellowship at a church Hev-Lady decides that it’s OK for people to be Christian and not go at all. She happily says this and when I tell her this is what I was trying to explain to her all a long beforehand she just smirks and says sorry. WTF? Is she being serious or just throwing my old ideas in my face and mocking me?

Anyways if I suddenly decide to stop going to church again after sort of coming to terms with it, I am pretty sure I will come across as anti-social or in need of saving, etc, etc. Or be told the devil is pestering me again?

I don’t even know who I am anymore or even knew who I was to begin with. When will this identity and faith crisis end?

P.S. I am thinking I am depressed! As well as still wondering who the anonymous commenter is!

Irritation

Let’s see if I can write about this frustration in an intelligent way!

I was reading a book from the church library called Hot Buttons (1986) by a variety of male Christian authors, (most of them pastors go figure) I was hoping for insight about issues pertaining to Christianity because it talked about some issues, such as abortion, death, sex and homosexuality I was wondering about. Not only did it enlighten me it irked me on so many levels.

For instance one of the contributing authors Eric Pement discusses abortion and actually says ‘if woman is unmarried, if she would follow the Bible’s instruction to ‘flee from sexual immorality’ (1Corninthians 6:18) and remained sexually pure most of the problems of unwanted pregnancy (and most reasons for abortion) would be solved,” (p. 98)

Mind you he attempts to absolve himself of the woman should be virgins before marriage card by saying that the man’s responsibility is ‘at least equal to women’s if not greater.”

I personally could never have one, but I still believe it’s a woman’s choice because it’s her body. It bothers me but I don’t think I have a right to tell someone what to do.

How about Don Williams who says “homosexuality should be viewed as a sickness like cancer or heart disease.” Hmmmm… However he doesn’t say homosexuals are not allowed to attend church or be Christian themselves but (heterosexual) Christians should not accept same-sex desire as “God’s best for them.” And how there is prayer therapy with psychologists which have a 100% cure rate. (More like a 100 % repression!)This stuff is really hard to stomach after doing a whole university course on this. I believe sexuality and gender are social constructs; the world is predominately heterosexual and so is the Bible (which is completely up for interpretation both good and bad.) I hope you can guess where I am going with this?

It’s not that I don’t believe in God or the Bible I just don’t believe some of the stuff being said by these authors. I am so entirely confused!

P.S. I saw Pretty Blue Eyes at work today!

10 things I did by 10 p.m. tonight!

Can I write a blog entry in 10 minutes or less?

Yes I can! I shall share with you 10 things that happened today….

1. I got in a heated political, cultural societal discussion with a fellow bus passenger. She annoys me! You can tell she is highly intelligent mind you.
2. Learned my mom apparently has a bus-husband and therefore I have a step bus father! It’s hard to explain. His name is Mike by the way, no relation to the character I created.
3. Thought about the steps I need to take to publish my work.
4. Had a dastardly young man or adequate intelligence and appearance make flirty with me at work today. :) It took me a few minutes to realise it.
5. Anthropomorphisation is a word. It means to ascribe human characteristics to something not human. I have a platitude of anthropomorphised characters in my works. There is always a talking dog. Always!
6. I worked on my novel.
7. I fraternised with fellow co-workers. I like talking to them.
8. I am at Tim Hortons wasting time waiting for the entire bus as always! Stupid 11 – 7 shifts!
9. I partook in a free coffee from McDonalds. (Timmy’s is better!)
10. I got caught day dreaming by the new front end manager!

P.S. I am hell of a tired! I still haven’t figured out the anonymous commenter yet!

Who are you?

Anonymous commenter! Who are you?! I am curious to who you are? No more hiding behind the mask of elusiveness! However, if you wish to remain as such I respect your decision.

So far I know you’re female, and a fellow co-worker. There is all the idea there may be more then one of you anonymous commenter’s as well.

So whoever you are, the curiosity is overwhelming. Thank you for the positive encouraging comments on my blog by the way. :) I might also add you’re good with words too.

Also in response to the why am I dumbing it down? I am making fun of the seriousness of the topic of religion because I find it hard to talk about given my strange religious upbringing. My step grandmother had me scared to death of the Devil and reincarnation!My family is constantly pressuring me to return to the fantasy of Mormonism…I have a friend who is concerned about my return to Christianity. I am even finding this change a bit challenging especially, the exclusivity of it all. I am not sure how to write about these issues in a non dumb way with out adding some sarcasm that makes it sound less smart because I must be afraid of sounding so. I am not even aware I am doing it if that makes sense? Humour is a deflector for something that makes me anxious to write about.

Not to mention I find the pharaoh from Exodus incredibly funny that I did knowingly dumb down, but seriously the Pharaoh was dumb…how many terrible plagues came to Egypt before he finally let Gods people go? A hell of a lot! So I find some Bible stories satirical…

P.S. I am sick! Oh and Canada did amazingly awesome at the Olympics!

Religion and imagination

Is it possible to have an overactive imagination at 25? Or is it a writer thing?! I, out of morbid curiosity I decided to Google some of some other religions which were on a checklist of non-spiritual Christian religions in which you were supposed to renounce in a special book a friendly old woman lady at my church gave me to read.

The following were searched out of my inquisitiveness

Bloody Mary: I thought it was the cocktail…apparently not. I am assuming it was referring to the old folklore or urban legend about Mary Worthington. Apparently if you stand in the dark facing a mirror sometimes with a lit candle and chant her name three times (or more depending on the version of the story) her ghost comes through the mirror and A: claws your eyes out and kills you or B: takes you with her into the mirror never to be seen again. Some speculate its Satan himself coming for your soul! Not that I’d be insane enough to even try it, (and those who would?) but for some reason it freaked me out and I happen to have a mirror in my curio-cabinet in my room as well as another mirror like object. Therefore I had to convince myself with much trepidation to turn the light off in my room. I knew it wasn’t real, but my over reactive imagination thought it would be funny to try and scare me! It’s the first time in four years I was semi-afraid of the dark. I had to tell myself that Mary wasn’t going to swoop down from the mirror in my room and kill me!

The Forum (EST): I honestly have no idea what it is. It’s some sort of self help thing where you’re basically harassed into joining? It’s about receiving enhanced power and enlightenment, etc, Bob Anon kind of explains it. The story is from a Christian point of view (which may or may not be the best example), but it shows what basically happens. I am not really sure what it is?

Unification Church (Moonies): There known for all there mass weddings… which I It started in Seoul South Korea. It kind of reminded me of how the story how the Mormon religion started…Joseph Smith is visited by some spirit called Moroni which results in the Church of Jesus Christ of Later Day Saints. Sun Myung Moon said he was visted by Jesus and tada new religion! Except his followers think he is the Messiah and is fulling the Second coming. I am not going to judge as I do not know much about this religion, but it does say in the Bible:

¹Dear friends, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world. 1 John 4:1 (NIV)

I only add this for logic’s sense. Or maybe it just shows how the Bible is interpreted? Mormonism was on the list too. Does this mean I am spiritually damaged? The friendly old woman lady encouraged me to renounce it, which I did! It was redundant because I did it a long time ago after I realise I was tricked into it as a 13 year old girl before this book was handed to me. If anyone in my family reads this I will probably be doubly disowned now! Oh wells!

P.S. Apparently if you look into a mirror in a well lit room and say Nigel Bottington 3 hundred times he will appear in the mirror and turn you gay. Gay!

P.S. Fizzy Lemonade!

Yesterday I had success I finally finished 3 chapters of Fizzy Lemonade and (dare I say it), I like it more then Song of the Superheroes. It has more prose to it, more complications and it still has some of the predecessor’s roots, but its starting to explore more post-modern concepts and ideas about language brought on by some literary classes and ideas in my last year of university. I find I appreciate the post-structural and post-modern, absurd- fiction kind of ideas and I realised I kind of write my stories that way. In fact I think I could go back and fix Song of the Superheroes because I am learning more by writing its sequel. I actually do have to read over it now and then so the new story doesn’t contradict or I repeat and idea, however given the way I am starting to write this one I could make up a reason for its inconsistencies.

P.S. Wild Will

So far it starts much like Superheroes started the plot was rather scattered and random, but it was going in some sort of direction. The tenses were mixed up, although not as bad, maybe lacking description here and there. I tend to write my stories in present tense for some reason. I write how I see it in my head if that makes any sense.

P.S. Wild Will rocks

When I read some of my favourite authors I feel rather discouraged because for starters I really envy their talent and I in my lack of confidence think I am no writer, but I have to remind myself that I am on some level, but not the same writer as them, which is a good thing.

P.S. Wild Will rocks my socks

One of the ideas I am exploring is religion too. It’s gradually becoming one of the elements of it as well as language. In my story the main religion is Fictionalism, where certain characters are aware they are fictional and no one can understand why they believe what they do. Wild Will is their prophet, (believe me he is aware of being fictional). It is kind of making fun of certain religions, I won’t say which and I won’t go into to much details in case no one has read it yet. I don’t want to spoil it all. Wild Will would not be very happy. Ha ha just kidding!

P.S. Wild Will rocks my socks in Bangkok

I kind of feel maybe I was too open about my beliefs the last two entries or so, but more concerning was I felt ashamed to state it yesterday when I talked about my cats. I wanted to write “not to be religiously cheesy” but I decided not too. I should be ashamed of my faith because faith is different then religion at least that’s what I think.

P.S. Wild Will rocks my socks in Bangkok whilst Alberticus and I drink Fizzy Lemonade!

The pastor at my church (The Pastinator) has an hour long discussion with me in areas of spiritual growth, the main reason for my visit was to inquire about baptism. Apparently, which I find interesting in the Baptist faith is you don’t have to be baptised to be saved, where as in Mormonism you had to be.

P.S. Wild Will rocks my socks in Bangkok whilst Alberticus and I drink Fizzy Lemonade and Sarah Evans drinks herbal tea!

Charley the Scardy Cat

Well my cat Charley whom I’ve had for five months suddenly went missing! I was in hysterics. I couldn’t find him for at least 4 hours. I seriously looked every where for him, cupboards, beds, and the shop. Every so often I’d go out on the porch and call him several times the only answer was the wind blowing in the trees. I even took the dogs for a walk around the block to look for him. My anxiety quickened.

His brother Chazzey kept asking to go out more then usual and he kept meandering back and forth from the wood shed. I in ignorance took no notice of this. As it started to get dark around 6pm I really started to worry. When suddenly Hev-Lady saw Chazzey beeline for the wood shed one last time at rocket speed. I went to go see what he was on about. I called Charley’s name and heard a faint scared mewing. I then noticed serious decay in the shop the floor boards were rotting and Charley managed to somehow get stuck inside and was too scared to come back out. If it wasn’t for Chazzey I may never have found him. I was worried about him so I placed food and water to try and lour him out. Chazzey kept darting in and out after this. It was as if he was telling his brother how to get out and making sure he was OK.

Finally Charley came to the door and mewed for me to let him in. I was so relieved I practically ran for the door and picked him up overjoyed that he wasn’t maimed or catnapped. If it is one thing I learnt about this love and intelligence exists in the animal kingdom after witnessing Chazzey’s repeated concern and his way of communicating to me where his brother was. Most importantly I believed God helped too. He answered my prayers of concern for my little animal, one of his precious creatures.

I have since covered up the rotten floor boards with wood in hopes this won’t happen again either.

P.S. Sydney also helped! By chasing Charley outside in the first place!

Perfecting Your Craft

Happy belated Valentines Day!

I am relieved Valentines is over. I don’t ever think I liked the holiday. I appreciate what it represents and the value of love, but shouldn’t be something you show all year round.

Lately I’ve had the good fortune of connecting from the Internet from home, which is probably why my blog has been updated more consistently. (However having a laptop and an Internet stick does come in handy.) Or maybe I just feel the need to write! I was reading an old journal from 2005 and I wrote how I hadn’t been journaling much because perhaps I didn’t really feel the need for it or perhaps I was depressed, which could be true because when I am down, my writing goes with it as does any passion in my heart.

When I read something I wrote years ago I reflect on home much in a span of 8 years how much I have changed.

Today Hev-Lady is preparing for her gardening expeditions of the summer, her favourite time of year. She says she feels guilty about gardening whilst I am slaving away doing dishes…She says it’s work, but she loves it so much that’s why she constantly guilt trips herself. So I asked her about writing if that was work and she looked at me all shocked and said.

“I thought that was a hobby?”

So I replied:

“What if I am trying to work on a novel?”

Her response:

“I guess so?”

Also if you’re a writer shouldn’t you constantly work on you’re craft to perfect it like she does gardening?

P.S. I hope Canada wins some gold medals this year at the Olympics! GO CANADA!

Trying to Hard…

Since it’s the eve of Valentines Day I am reminded of what I don’t have.

He is the only one I see. I made the mistake of telling him I liked him and giving him my heart without asking if he even wanted it, now I can’t seem to get it back! I desperately want to ask him to be my Valentine, but I know it would be in vain.

Is it right for me to think right now that girls who try to hard to get guys attention deserve to be shot for their innate desperation?  Maybe its time for me to show I care but in a more covert less intrusive way, like for instance being myself! Complimenting him on things I admire about him.

I swear if I ever marry the guy I’d be like a pit-bull. I’d even go after little old pregnant old lady man wives with a stick saying “stay away from him he is mine!” Funny though I never imagined myself as the possessive type. This is why I am afraid of liking charming relatively handsome men and being lucky enough to have one all to myself. I think I would always worry why is someone so handsome with me? (Lack of self confidence obviously) And then there’d be all the other women who like him, so I feel like I’d be constantly keeping an eye on him. He’d be walking down the street and I’d be hiding behind some large tree with binoculars just to make sure there are no female threats near him or I’d carry pepper spray to fend of female admirers. I might as well just pee on his leg to mark my territory.

There you have it folks I am on the brink of insanity.

P.S. I’m not the only one to try the old wives tale of the way to a man’s heart is stomach. It’s bunk it doesn’t work. It only makes them fatter!

Who is the adversary?

You know I don’t think I am cut out for this whole Christianity thing. You’d never meet a real Christian making fun of the Bible even if it is the Pharaoh Poo Head from Exodus. If I tell someone close to me like Hev-Lady or another friend from an older generation I am struggling with my faith it’s either

A: You’ve haven’t fully accepted Christ as your saviour that he died for my sins and rose from the grave and so on and so forth.

Believe it or not is no problem…I believe. Enough said! I just have trouble with all the dogma and doctrine involved sometimes. And how Christian faith can be skewed and manipulated to meet certain people agendas. That I do have a problem with!

B: It’s the Devil! (If its Sue-Woman or my devout Mormon Aunty it’s the…Adversary! Oooooh makes it sound all science fictiony!)

This one I kind of want to focus on a bit…Satan seems to be a scapegoat for a hell of lot things. When really isn’t it the fact people are sinners? I wonder though seeing as he is blamed for pretty much everything including original sin, wouldn’t you be pretty pissed off or perhaps his ego goes up a notch? People seriously give him too much credit! Not that I doubt he means harm to people either. Apparently depression and anxiety are spiritual and the devil is behind it. I do believe there is some spiritual warfare to an extent but some of it could be physical, psychological or caused by repressed emotional injuries and incidents in ones life as well. I seriously feel like bursting into laughter every time Hev-Lady says the reason for any problems, whether they are hers or another’s immediately indicate it’s the Devil.

I’ve always felt some force behind my anxiety. Stupid things can start to send me to the point close to hysterics. The point where I start unravelling and I can feel myself and my sanity being swallowed whole, into a dark hole, but I know for one thing I am not alone and it’s a number of contributing factors.

Anxiety is like how shyness used to over come me when I was younger, but now instead of a big scary monster taunting me it’s a catastrophic fire breathing, fear gripping monster who instead of yanking me away from human contact is grabbing me by the throat and holding me down and when I capsize into uncontrollable emotions points and laughs at me to the point I figure I am better off dead. I feel so depressed and disconnected after an anxiety attack I just want to crawl in a small space and never come out. I am slowly starting to learn to beat Mr. Anxiety Monster with a stick.

Suddenly I feel like I am coming out of the shadows of darkness and walking towards the light, but I still have a long ways to go yet, but I am getting there. It’s writing that sustains me, the pen that is my grace. It’s my way of dealing with my emotions. I sometimes wonder if anyone read my personal journal what they would think. I reckon a lot of people I know and have known through out my eight years of journaling would be mighty pissed off or incredibly surprised. I find I can say so much more when writing rather then speaking if that makes any sense. It’s weird how I attribute writing to my welfare, but not God.

Also I think it’s ironic after going to church for a few months Hev-Lady finally says you can be Christian and not go to church, to which I replied. That’s what I was trying to friggen tell you all those months ago. Now because I gave in and went to church I am on a different path, it’s a good path but I’m not so sure I like it completely or ready for it. I often wonder if it is the charismatic, handsome and charming Pretty Blue Eyes who convinced me to stay even more! Did I go to stop the nagging and please my mom? So I can make googly eyes at Pretty Blue Eyes and his amazing use of words? I doubt it, but then again I still wonder.

P.S. Pretty Blue Eyes, Pretty Blue Eyes, Pretty Blue Eyes, Pretty Blue Eyes!

An Exodus Towards Apology

Oh dear unidentified responder who are you? The commenter who leaves such nice well written responses to my rambly entries? I’ve racked my brain thinking of who you may be as you claim to be a fellow co-worker. Come out of the shadows of anonymity! I’ll be nice I promise.

Is it blasphemous to find particular chapters of the Bible amusing? There is just something about Exodus Chapter 5 I find hilarious.

Exodus 5:1 – 4 (New International Version)

¹ Afterward Moses and Aaron went to Pharaoh and said, "This is what the LORD, the God of Israel, says: 'Let my people go, so that they may hold a festival to me in the desert.' "

² Pharaoh said, "Who is the LORD, that I should obey him and let Israel go? I do not know the LORD and I will not let Israel go."

³ Then they said, "The God of the Hebrews has met with us. Now let us take a three-day journey into the desert to offer sacrifices to the LORD our God, or he may strike us with plagues or with the sword."

⁴ But the king of Egypt said, "Moses and Aaron, why are you taking the people away from their labor? Get back to your work!" ⁵ Then Pharaoh said, "Look, the people of the land are now numerous, and you are stopping them from working."

My idea…. For some reason I keep imagining the Pharaoh to be some snotty bastard. And when this was read out just before the Pastor’s sermon at church I suddenly imagined this…. In fact I suddenly consumed by giggles….

Moses: (visiting Pharaoh) The Lord, the God of Israel says, ‘Let my people go, so they may hold a festival to me in the desert.’

Pharaoh: (Mocking tone) ‘Let my people go…so they can have a festival for me in the desert. I don’t know this Lord of yours why should I listen, therefore I will not let Israel go.

Moses: You’re just saying that because God hardened your heart aren’t you?

Pharaoh: If this God has done this then it is true, now GO AWAY I HATE YOU!

Moses: But, but, but...the God of the Hebrews has met with us, so let us go into the desert for 3 days to offer sacrifices to him or he may strike us with the plagues or the sword.

Pharaoh: (Again with the mocking tone) ‘The God of the Hebrews has met with us, so let us go into the desert for 3 days to offer sacrifices to him or he may strike us with the plagues or the sword.’ That’s the biggest bunch of baloney I’ve heard in my entire life. Moses, Aaron, why are taking these people from their labour! Get back to work you’re all lazy!

Of course after this Pharaoh decides to up the douchebaggery by deciding the Hebrew’s are to gather their own straw to make bricks and to make the same quota as before and when they can’t do this they are beaten. So obviously they are a little downtrodden and extra pissed off with Moses. So logically they complain to who they see has brought on this extra dose of misery upon them. Then when Moses goes to God and asks why, God is all like it’s because I am all powerful and because of my powerfulness Pharaoh will see how mighty I am, etc. I think the whole point of the sermon was it has to get worse so God can show you how amazingly powerful he is.

So now that I am on the topic of religion. I made a fool of myself on Jo’s blog, (spelling errors included). In which I am apologising for. Here is what I said (spelling errors corrected)

Jo,

This is solely my opinion but, I've been reading a lot of your entries pertaining to Christianity and to be honest I find a lot of your views biased and over generalised. You need proof as well as personal experience. You shouldn't criticise things you don't truly understand.

Also (still my opinion) God and religion are too separate things. Religion specifically Christianity is a man made institution which is merely a vehicle to reach God and to please him. A relationship with God and truly believing in him and having faith with or without church to me is entirely different. I believe the Bible is written by God and man and has been reinterpreted many times by man to suit there understanding and unfortunately to suit there own goals and belief systems which I agree with you can lead to abuse. I also agree it’s a very patriarchal based religion, but so are many others. I prefer to think of the Bible as a collection of stories and history and it’s from this we can learn. It can't be taken in the same context as today because it is an entirely different culture then now. However, you must remember not all Christians are bad or think they are holier then thou, it's a stereotype. And maybe when people who get come to faith lose contact with friends is because they have troubles reconnecting with those who haven't or have disconnected entirely.

I prefer to say I am a secular Christian and I will always be your friend no matter what, whether you're Christian or not. Given your experience some of your opinions are valid, but some are not.

For some Christianity gives people hope and meaning in life. No one can "interrupt there joyful ignorance," because they truly believe.

Maybe I should elaborate on the things I said, but I fear I’d make things worse….

I won’t apologise for my beliefs (which I am starting to question again, grrr…) But I will apologise for doing something I thought I’d never do…which is forcing my beliefs down someone’s throat especially when religion is a touchy subject with them to begin with. I think I was just feeling defensive because the Christianity I’ve experienced now is nothing how she describes it even the positive descriptions. That’s what I met by validity. The Christianity, I have experienced for 20+ years, varies from positive, conservative to strange and no where similar. I kind of forgot that when I made the comment. So now I’ve made it seem like I am invading her personal space. So I hope she will accept my apology.

P.S. I get make hangy-outy with Pretty Blue Eyes on Friday!

What am I waiting for?

(Two posts in one day! This is an entire first. AN ENTIRE FIRST! )

I’ve decided to try and re-do my resolution from 2009 to attempt to write 100 entries by the end of the year.

Would it be a logical assumption that being impatient and being a Christian don’t mix for some people? There is a lot of waiting involved being a Christian, whether it is waiting for marriage to get it on with someone, asking God for answers or the second coming.

I am specifically wondering about the topic of virginity. Let’s say a Christian who believes in the importance of waiting till marriage meets and falls in love someone new to the faith who has participated in worldly things such as premarital sex. How would he/she feel about it? Would they feel a bit cheated? They saved themselves and suppressed a very human instinct for the sake of their beliefs, but then again wouldn’t it be a bit petty to judge a future love of your life for sins which were already forgiven by God.  I also don’t believe being baptised makes you a virgin again. You’re washed clean of your sins in that regard, but physically… If one keeps bringing this up they obviously haven’t forgiven themselves.

And why does Christianity have some many rules?Some  based on denominations, interpretations or beliefs? Also is it really an issue of salvation? It’s just this questioning type behaviour that has gotten me in trouble with other Christians. I prefer to refer to myself as a secular Christian an oxymoron entirely, but apparently you are or you aren’t. Things were easier when I considered myself agnostic borderline deist.

P.S. Tony man features will be totally stoked when he finds out I installed Harry Potter Quidditch on my computer!

When debt is the Monopoly?

I’m surprised I am not pulling all my hair out from my financial situation seeing as I am very close to it. Loan payments for my government loans are missed, rent money and the all the anxiety the entails this, I still owe gas money, etc to my friends from the trip to Edmonton. Which makes it even more stressful was some of the money lent to me was by friends who are financially troubled as well. It reminds me of playing Monopoly with Carol for some reason. I miss Carol L

Carol: (Lands on an expensive property worth $1100+) you know I am good for it!

Me: Ha! You can pay me in instalments?

Or….

Me: (at the height of winning the game!) It’s OK I’ll let it pass this time…

A half hour or so later the tables have turned….which is usually how it works with Monopoly.

Me: Carol you know I am good for it!

Carol: Suck it up! Pay now! Ha ha!

Me: I’ll give you a property! (This leads to me being even more screwed!)

Carol: OK….I WANT THE MONEY! (She is kidding of course!)

Me: Carol stop trying to rip me off! (shakes fist in anger)

Hence to say Carol usually ends up wining… oddly she always owns the red properties. That’s Kentucky, Illinois and Indiana or Trafalgar, Fleet Street and The Strand if you happen to own the British version of Monopoly, which I do. :P Then of course she owns Park Place (Park Lane) and Boardwalk (Mayfair). I always seem to own the bright purples and the oranges….Actually I make a point to own those ones for some reason, which is weird because they aren’t much more then the shitty light blue ones and the dark purples (dark red if you have the British version).

Anyways I digress…enough about Monopoly.

It’s hard not to feel anxious when your friend Moses (not his real name) says I better pay the gas money or he’ll break my legs or kidnap my dogs and send him to me in pieces. Thank God he is joking. Perhaps it’s important to have a sense of humour about the situation! Also perhaps being thankful! I have a roof over my head, I have food to eat and friends to make hangy-outey with. There are others worse off then me.

I am so concerned about my financial predicament and the need to do something about it that I sucked up my pride and my reservations about returning to the fast food industry and applied at A&W. It was something someone said to me this morning. Who cares about the job one has, as long as you’re pulling your weight and trying to get through life and it pays the bills. So I might come home smelling like a burger at least I can pay my student loans off!!! I swear I am aware of my financial conundrums but I try to forget about it and pretend it doesn’t exist and wish it away, bad idea…. Enough said.

Edmonton Love

When you fall in love with some one, you can temporarily put the feelings on a shelf, but you can easily take it down if the love is returned or like me in irrational clumsiness knock it down and open up the heart to the beauty of the feelings whether they are returned or not. Knocking down the feelings off the shelf in the back of my mind isn’t a bad thing, it reminds that I am human and an emotional feeling being and there is no shame in having them. Anger reminds you that you are alive and love keeps you there. Emotions are what make the world go round.

I still love someone but that doesn’t mean I can’t be near them and bask in there wonderfulness that I like about them and it doesn’t mean I can’t show them either. If nothing happens then all is not lost. I’ve gained an amazing friend even if I do want to punch them in the face every once in a while.

My trip to Edmonton went well. It was spiritually insightful and reviving. Some may say it might be joyful ignorance but once you experience it, you know and those who never had or are against it will never understand. I had this unmistakable high and so much love in my heart I just wanted to hug everyone so they could feel as happy as I did. For the first time I felt connected to God. Besides religion is something man made to reach or to please God, a relationship is something entirely different and I wonder if some people don’t distinguish between the two of them. I also believe it’s good to see both the Christian world and the secular world so you can see both sides and come to a decision on which truth or belief speaks to you.

I even successfully over came my fear of crowds by Sunday it didn’t even phase me. I finally felt normal for a change; despite the fact I think word normal is a culturally subjective and this word should not be a in our language. THE END!

P.S. I believe in God and all that entails!