My Grandma sent me the funniest joke about Baked Beans, so I thought I would share it. Once there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.
Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentleman, he would never go for this carrying on." She made the supremesacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home.On her way, she passed a small diner and the odour of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she feltreasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight."He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the telephone.
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill.
She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage.Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the telephone farewells signalled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.
She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not.At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!
Thoughts of the day:
I finished the movie Chris, Kate and I made. The only problem is Windows Movie Maker won’t let me save it.
Kayla is still a know it all, but I figured out why.
Louie is moving and I don’t get the bigger room. I have a new flatmate as soon as Louie leaves. He wants her room because he has a big desk and big bed, sounds like he is bringing his whole entire family here, which he can’t.
Pluto isn’t a planet anymore. Seriously who has the right to strip planetary status from a poor distant Pluto? And I wanted to be an astronomer. Actually I still do.
I miss Louie’s movie collection
Is Smallville really a complex drama or is it just some teenage boy with I have to save the world complex, whose is in love with a girl who doesn’t reciprocate the same feelings?
What would happen hypothetically if Carol were to come to Australia tomorrow and meet my current flatmates? Here is my estimation:
Melissa Flat: Carol and Melissa have just arrived at Melissa’s flat, returning from the airport. They run into Melissa’s flatmate Louie.
Melissa: Oh hello Louie this is Carol from Canada, Carol this is Louie
Louie: Hey Carol what bring you to Australia?
Carol: I want to be a waitress
Louie: Cool but couldn’t you do that in Canada?
Carol: Noooo Canadians don’t hire fat waitresses.
Louie: (Gives a puzzled look) Yes they do.
Carol: Have you ever been to Canada?
Louie: No but,
Carol: But what…how do you know?
Louie: Well I have a friend whose been to Canada and America
Carol: Yes America not Canada, they are different. Canada only hires skinny girls,
America only hires American skinny girls. Here in Australia all the skinny girls are at the beach so I figured I had a chance to be a waitress.
Louie: That’s the stupidest thing I ever heard. You’re really weird like Melissa. You
know that don’t you?
Carol: You’re the stupidest person I have ever heard.
Louie: Rightio it was nice meeting you Carol I’ve got to go to bed now I have night shift.
Carol: Why are you going to bed at 2 in the afternoon that’s just stupid. I’m the one with
jetlag not you.
Melissa: She is a nurse. They work odd hours. So Carol want me to show you around or did you want to relax and watch some TV
Carol: Noooo I should walk around a bit I think the plane ride made me fatter.
Melissa’s other flatmate Kayla shows up from the kitchen.
Melissa: Oh hi Kayla this is my friend Carol from Canada.
Kayla: I just thought I should point out that it is impossible to get fatter on a plane ride.
Carol: You’re impossible
Carol wanders around the living room.
Carol: (Shouting) well of course Melissa I figured that out.
Kayla: Figured what out?
Carol: Shut up! We’re not talking to you.
Melissa: I was just telling Carol how they don’t have Canadian commercials here. So Carol what do you think of these Australian commercials.?
Melissa: Ummm…right, well Carol and I will be on our way I think we will go see the horse of Stack Street.
Kayla: OK I’m going to put these rubber bands in the fridge because I was told they would last longer
Carol: That’s just stupid, that’s like saying that there is such a thing as a pickle machine.
Melissa: Well there are canners so you can make pickles…does that count?
Carol: I guess.
Kayla: Canned food is bad for you because all of the nutrients are sucked out of it. It actually makes you fat.
Carol: I hate you
Melissa: Ummm…. Kayla remember what I said to you about talking about eating habits and food and what not when my friend from Canada is around?
Kayla: You never said anything about that
Melissa: Yes I did.
Kayla: No you didn’t you said not to talk about that with your friend from Canada. This is Amy from Canberra right?
Melissa: Noooo I said “this is my friend Carol from Canada.” Like two minutes ago.
Carol: I hate you! I can’t believe you would mistake me for someone else. Canada and Canberra sound completely different the only things that’s the same is that they both start with the letter K.
Kayla: Umm Canada and Canberra start with a C.
Carol: Nooo it has a “K” sound therefore it starts with K.
Kayla: Yes it has a “K” sound but it doesn’t starts with K.
Melissa: Hey come one I don’t want you arguing with in the first two minutes of meeting.
Carol: Shut up! Melissa I am right and you know it.
Kayla: No I am right.
Melissa: You’re both right. In the Greek alphabet Canada starts with a K. in the English language it starts with a C.
Carol: Melissa Greek doesn’t have an alphabet; they’re an ancient race that died when they joined the Romans.
Kayla: That never happened and it’s called Greece not Greek.
Carol: Yes it did.
Melissa: Kayla what did I tell you about arguing with my friend from Canada.
Kayla: Some friend from Canada she makes your other friends look smart.
Carol: Noooo you’re dumb.
Melissa: No she doesn’t
Carol: Yeah I am Melissa’s only friend.
Kayla: And for your information Ontario is the capital of Canada I checked
Melissa: With what? You’re all knowing knowledge of nothing.
Carol: Ontario is a province and the capital is Ottawa! Provinces can’t be capitals, because they already have cities and stuff in them.
Melissa: Carol is right Ottawa is the capital of Canada.
Carol: Why are you agreeing with me?
Melissa: Because you’re right for once.
Kayla: No I just know. I talked to my friend Melinda.
Melissa: Kayla you fucktard, Carol and I are from CANADA! I think CANADIANS would know the capital of their country. Melinda is from AUSTRALIA not CANADA. End of story.
Carol: Obviously Melissa stop being such a nerd, a fat brain NERD know it all that is nerdy fat!
Kayla: You can’t be nerdy fat? Also I don’t appreciated being called names. Honestly Melissa why do you have to get so defensive all the time.
Carol: Obviously you can’t because some people doooo know what they are talking about, they just like to rub in your face because they can. Melissa learnt all she knows from me Carol, because I am the smartest in the whole entire world.
Melissa: No I didn’t Carol.
Kayla: I do know what I AM TALKING ABOUT!
Carol: Noooo Melissa and I do because she reads encyclopaedias and I am ALL KNOWING and you’re not plus I am fat.
Kayla: No you’re just retarded.
Carol: Noooo Kayla YOU’RE FAT!
Melissa: Hey Carol! How about we watch The Simpsons (Trying to change the subject)
Carol: Melissa she just insulted me and all your going to do is talk about the Simpsons I hate you.
Melissa: Carol I would try to stick up for you but I think your doing a good job of it yourself.
Kayla: I’m your flatmate aren’t you going to stick up for me?
Melissa: Keyword: flatmate, I thought you said flatmates are not friends; Carol is my friend and you’re my flatmate. Oh yeah DON’T YOU EVER CALL MY FRIEND FAT AGAIN or I’ll crush you with my fat nerdy brain.
Carol: YEAH! GO MELISSA! So go stuff yourself full of none fat canned food. Kayla. Melissa and I have catching up to do so if you bug us I will crush with my intellect too.
Kayla: What intellect? Its obvious Melissa was right when she said you were stupid.
Melissa: No I did not say that. I said she was stubborn. How can that be misinterpreted as stupid?
Carol: I am not stubborn. I never stubbed anything, although I was born. What do you mean by stubborn Melissa?
Melissa: Ummm…it means your smart?
Carol: Ohhhh so I am a fat brain now too eh?
Kayla: Urgh never mind. I am going upstairs you two can argue over pointless stuff.
Kayla storms up the stairs in a huff.
Carol: No you never your mind…I have a mind you don’t.
Melissa: Wow Carol you pissed Kayla off and now she has gone upstairs and she has stopped being all know it all like. You should stay her more often.
Carol: How can I stay here more often if I just got here?
Melissa: Right I forgot Carol obviously you have only been here once. How silly of me.
Melissa and Carol sit down and watch TV.
A Life of Choice
8 years ago