Whenever I am stressed the strangest things get to me. Like people typing on a computer next to me. The little light sounds of click clack just irritates me some. It just the way a particular person is typing. I lose all ability to concentrate. I want to take a pen and stab myself with it so the irritation will seise. I want to pull out my hair and stream just to rid myself of the bizarre irritation. It’s happening again, two girls sit beside me and talk quietly in the low whispery voice. There is just something about that low whispery voice that irritates the hell out of me. These kinds of things get to me when I am stressed and I think I have a good reasons to base all of it on. Hence I should warn you this entry may be a bit long.
Assignments: again with the “owe my entire brain!” Literary theory, novels, I’ll be glad to go back to a period of non-reading.
Homesickness: Enough said!
Flatmates: This requires a bit more explanation.
It all started with a coffee tableon Friday last week and an ended with the disappearance of a kettle cord this previous Thursday, but the explorations and discovery began with the removal of the house sayings on Saturday.
Goodbye house sayings/signs. They were nothing more than a passive aggressive attempt to pay both flatmates out and make it look I was having a go at myself too for good measure. That was more like the no offence clause. You know when your about to insult someone you say “no offence” as a scapegoat so you can get out of trouble. The all intelligent flatmate and the nice underestimated flatmate took no notice of this. Except for the socks, that was an obvious go. The many references to socks worked Sam-Lady (She wasn’t MEAN enough to have the “Woman” on the end of her name) no longer left her socks and clothing lying around. However, she was forced out by meanness by the all intelligent I am so up myself I think I am better than everyone else in the entire world because it revolves around me flatmate a.k.a Elise-Woman (She no longer deserves to be called Elise-Lady). So I decided the sock signs no longer had a purpose.
Then there was the signs referencing Big-W, cheese, K-Mart, being a house ninja. They were jabs too or more like reminders of a certain flatmates one-liners and pay outs towards me. I was throwing them back in her face, but she in her all intelligence never once figured it out. I was trying to show how insensitive she was, how mildly uncaring she is, (well she is a sociopath!). So I decide these signs no longer served their purpose either. I also realised I shouldn’t pay myself out for others benefit.
Poor Sam had to move, I can’t help thinking I had a part to play in this as well. I didn’t want the previously aforementioned sociopathic flatmate Elise to hate me, so I bid into her sphere of influence. I hid Sam’s towel. I put up passive aggressive signs. I dobbed her in with management because of her smelly room and had no intention of telling her about the impending room inspection. I talked badly behind her back because I liked the sense of power I felt in doing so. She was alienated and didn’t feel like she even lived her. How could I be so horrible? This was to someone who wanted to be my friend. I can now honestly say I never hated her.
For some reason I just don’t like not being liked. I am sick of letting myself be swayed and sucked in by these types of people, such as Elise. Why do I allow myself to be manipulated by them? I came in contact with someone similar before I left Australia and now ironically I have before I leave. Even more strange is the fact I lived with both of them. One convinced me I had mental issues and the other convinced me to act on my dark side. I quit my job at Pixi Foto because of acting on the dark side. I dumped someone that I knew liked me for me because I was influenced to act on my shallow side. I even have one of those types of people now that has followed me everywhere my entire life, who I know I will never be free of.
I guess I should now mention that I was caught in the middle of a flatmate war. I was neutral, Switzerland you could say. I played on both sides of the argument. I agreed with what both were upset about. For starters, I agreed with Elise that housework should be done by all equally. Washing up and cleaning up your rubbish is common sense. The bare minimum would have been suffice for me. Although I am sure it would be for Elise. Secondly, I agreed with Sam. No one has the right to make you feel like you are not welcome in your own home or judge you because you don’t go to uni and get HD’s in every subject. I also under I understand being tired when working 12 hours a day. I also agree that if Elise had a problem with Sam she SHOULD have told her so instead of leaving nasty notes on her door.
It was after this I suddenly realised Elise isn’t a very nice person. Come to think of it she leaves her shit around too! The lounge room table has a pile of magazines, her painting stuff is everywhere and she leaves her stupid pictures, maybe to remind everyone how more artistically talented and intelligent she is or something.
I managed to make her hate. Because I see both sides I ended up making things worse. Or as she so eloquently put it “Those who play for both sides of the fence end up impaling themselves. Well done!” She said it with such venom. I could feel my heart sinking to my stomach. And why did she say this too me? She overheard me warning Sam to collect her stuff because Elise wanted to make timber out of her ugly coffee table. Maybe I wasn’t supposed to repeat this to Sam as it may have been confidential, but I wouldn’t put it past Elise do something like that. Come to think of it I said that with in ear shot too, perhaps that was the problem. She stopped talking too me, but I am glad because I no longer can be controlled by her sphere of influence as I am not allowed back in it.
Because of it a new war has broke out between Elise and I. This time there is no Switzerland. The flat has descended into disruptive silence, an oxymoronic conundrum. I say disruptive because it was uncomfortable and angry silence and silence because well it was silent. The only safe haven was my room and it felt like that was were I belonged, while Elise figured she could own the entire flat.
By Tuesday, I had a vendetta. The three days of silence had eroded my common sense. It had driven me insane. I wanted Elise to feel like Sam did, like I was at that very moment. I started to hate her I became obsessed with hating her. I wanted her out of my flat. This anger and hatred were eating at me alive. I realised it was poison and futile attempt as people like her never see it the other way. They are drowned by their arrogance. I just couldn’t let go.
Little did I realise it was merely just karma at work and I was learning how Sam felt. It’s not very nice, Latter apologised to her. She was acting like the flat was hers and I was getting sick of it. So on Wednesday began to act on my passive aggressive nature. I moved the TV remote to random places. It only happened twice that day, once in the draw where we keep the telephone books and the second time in the kitchen drawer. It was an attempt to tell her. I am here too and it’s also my flat. You don’t own the entire television set! I was hoping that perhaps maybe she’d say, “Melissa where is the remote?” or “why did you hide the remote?” But no she found it and the silence continued. I was merely trying to open the lines of communication, but it was a failed miserable attempt. In retrospect I should have talked to her. And said she was being childish, etc.
That evening in my insomnia I realised I should let it go. However I had hid the remote a second time before bed and I figured I’d put it back where it belongs in the morning. However, I should unhide it at that moment because Elise decided to hide the kettle cord the next morning. I should have seen it coming. It’s quite brilliant actually. I was amused by it for some reason. I use the kettle more so than the television. I have a bit of a tea obsession recently. Oh wow she cared to notice. However, I only hid the remote around the house, she hid it in her entire room because she knew I couldn’t get it back. She was one up on my on this little battle.
Then I decided that perhaps I should stop and look at my own childish behaviour. I went to the managers and admitted to hiding the remote saying I was trying to get her attention as she was ignoring me. I surprising didn’t get in trouble although I felt that I should have. Elise on the other hand got a notice of remedy breach, a warning for her bad behaviour, which I so eloquently put on her door. I had the upper hand this time, but I didn’t feel any better for it. She wasn’t evicted, but close too it. She in return left a note on my door that accusing me of not telling the whole truth. I replied with another note that said I did tell the truth about the remote, I realised I was being childish and there is a difference between the two implements involved. She ripped it up and stuck it back to her door. It would have been so much more effective if she stuck it too mine, but who cares.
So as you can see if I wanted to repair the damage, it’s too late now. That is why it ends with the kettle. Why would I want to be friends with someone who brags about picking up random men, actually brings them home, makes me feel bad for being a virgin, who is mean for no reason, but to be mean and has a prejudice towards people who are not at her level of intelligence. I’ve lost respect for so I couldn’t care less if she hates me. Then again it saddens me a bit because we did have some good times together. Perhaps that was the impalement she was telling me about? Anyways what I am getting at is, I am Libran and weigh both sides out, hence the scales, I finally saw Sam as the one with more merit and I sided with her. THE END! I am finished my amazingly long rant. However getting this out has made feel better…I seem to be having this cleansing type process lately, where I am just unloading all of my feelings out into the nothingness of the web. Now that this is out in the open I can no longer dwell. My 5 days of dwelling, which should have been 30 is now entirely over.
P.S. I obess too much.
A Life of Choice
8 years ago