Procrastination, Nerdiness, Love and Vandalism

Procrastination: To put things off till the last minute. The inevitable enemy towards the uni student. It is something I have become familiar with in my academic university career. For instance rather than work on my essay on the “Civilising Mission” for Technology Communication on Culture. I vandalised Wikipedia by spreading the word about Irish Evil and played spider solitaire on my computer. I made plays list for Song of the Superhero characters Philis and Officer Octogenarian. Some song choices are based on the name, others are based on lyrical content and some are pure randomness.

Philis Philmore – Philis’ FAT music

1. Who let the cows out – Weird Al Yankovich
2. Eat it - Weird Al Yankovich
3. Fat - Weird Al Yankovich
4. Pink Triangle – Weezer
5. Boom, Boom, Boom – The Vega Boys
6. Addicted – Simple Plan
7. I Am A Rock – Simon and Garfunkle
8. Potato girl – Our Lady Peace
9. Man eater – Nelly Furtado
10. Explode – Nelly Furtado
11. The Hungry Years – Neil Sedaka
12. The Other Side of Me – Neil Sedaka
13. Milkshake- Kellis
14. He Ain’t Heavy…He’s My Brother – The Hollies
15. I Can’t Tell the Bottom From the Top – The Hollies
16. Yummy – Gwen Stefani
17. Shakin’ All Over – The Guess Who
18. Hungry Like A Wolf – Duran Duran
19. Rave On – Buddy Holly
20. Rock This Party – Bob Sinclair.

Officer Octogenarian – Beautiful Me

1. Beautiful life – Guy Sebastian
2. My Beautiful friend – Guy Sebastian
3. Beautiful Disaster – Kelly Clarkson
4. Beautiful You – Neil Sedaka
5. Beautiful Day – U2
6. Beautiful Liar – Beyonce and Shakira
7. Celebrity – Barenaked Ladies
8. Glamorous – Fergie
9. Fergalicious – Fergie
10. Brown Eyed Handsome Man – Chuck Berry
11. Love to Love you Baby – Donna Summer
12. Love Me- Buddy Holly
13. This Fire – Franz Ferdinand
14. Glamour Boy – The Guess Who
15. Star Baby – The Guess Who
16. Dancin’ Fool – The Guess Who
17. Just One Look – The Hollies
18. Let Me Entertain You –Robbie Williams
19. Star of All the Planets – Ryan Malcolm
20. Absolutely Perfect – Ryan Malcolm
21. Conventioneers – Barenaked Ladies
22. Sell, Sell, Sell – Barenaked Ladies

Painstakingly hilarious aren’t it? Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Then again if it isn’t procrastination that is getting me it is matters of the heart…

Love a word or perhaps a feeling that is on my mind lately.

As for love in the romantic sense, I am under the belief from past unlucky experiences you don’t choose who you like or love it just happens. I’ve never been in love but I have been seriously in like, but is it just physical attraction or something more? I think these things happen for a reason.

For instance, I recently have begun a minor infatuation with a boy at uni who I will call Multimedia Guy II (to allow for anonymity.) Jo says we are very similar. We have the same sense of humour. I can make a smart ass like comment and he will completely understand it and react with a smart ass comment of his own. We both like to read and we like science fiction. Today we had a D and M about Stargate, Harry Potter and Star Wars. It’s a fact were both NERD nerdy retarded weird people. I wonder if he likes me back because he goes out of his way to talk to me and after class today he walked with me to the bus stop.

However, something happened on Saturday night that makes question the logic of the matters of the heart. I met Officer Octogenarian. Well not physically as he doesn’t actually exist seeing as I created him in a strange garbled over imaginative story. He is more of a metaphor of the guy of any girl’s dreams, which is partly what the character is based on. He almost looks like Officer Octogenarian. He has the black curly hair and brown eyes. He isn’t the most beautiful boy in the world, but there was just something about him that made me like him. I can’t explain it. I told Amy about him and she said that I have never talked about a guy like him before.

More proof of my procrastination a blog entry from my alter ego :P

Dear blogosphere of hopefully intelligent humans:

Today my mom Hevlynn not Hev-Lady explained to me one of the many aspects of coming into Neptunian womanhood. That’s right I am experiencing “Neptunian puberty.” So now I look forward to turning obscenely blue when I am angry, developing outer rings of star dust around my waste to symbolise fertility and enhancement to my brain melting catacleptic powers.

In fact the last factor is full on. During a dinner party at Princess Jo’s about a week ago, I simply explained how Fergus uses of a blender as well as the mechanics and the invention of this useful device to Officer Beautiful Face…a.k.a. Oliver. Moments later he was rolling on the floor in complete agony. At first I thought it was because of Fergus’s name, but then I realised I had accidentally given him a brain melting attack and I wasn’t even trying to be a NERD nerdy retarded weird girl know it all.

I would also like to point out to certain villains masquerading as heroes to desist in calling my friend Philis Fattybumstockings.

Now I shall share with you music that I am listening to as of the moment.

My NERD nerdy retarded play list….

1. White & Nerdy – Weird Al Yankovick
2. Star Trek Rhapsody – Weird Al Yankovick
3. Too Little Too Late – Barenaked Ladies
4. In Repair – Our Lady Peace
5. Eleanor Rigby – The Beatles
6. Space Rock – Weezer
7. Mr. Roboto – Styx
8. Solitaire – Neil Sedaka
9. Its All Been Done – Barenaked Ladies
10. Grace Kelly - Mika
11. 5th Symphony – Ludwig van Beethoven
12. Walk Like an Egyptian – The Bangles
13. Intergalactic –The Beastie Boys
14. Love Me Or Hate Me – Lady Sovereign
15. Buddy Holly – Weezer
16. That’ll Be The Day – Buddy Holly
17. Why Bother? – Weezer
18. When Doves Cry – Prince
19. Kryptonite – Three Doors Down

~ Ashleigh D3 McGlonagick.

P.S. I asked out a NERD nerdy retarded weird boy!

My Compulsory Entry

I spent most of the day attempting to write at least two chapters to Song of the Superheroes….and I have good news!

*Drum roll*

Chapter 46 and Chapter 47 are now ready for your viewing pleasure.

Apparently whenever I write a chapter for my story I am required to write a blog entry.

So here it is…Insert fascinating thought or insight here.

THE END!

Happy now :P

P.S. Being and Irish Nerd is better than being a NERD nerdy retarded weird girl.

I am happy and confounded!

“God is the dad and he is like a parrot.”

“The sun warms all living beings like the sun.”

By reading those last two phrases its apparent they make no sense. But they made an audible appearance in another confounding dream last night. Those two sentences were uttered when some kids read an online Bible? A Bible that is made so its “easier” to understand.

And how did it get to this point that I read this online Bible?

It was near the end of the world. Why it was near and not the end I do not know.

I was talking with my step dad in my dream, (who is a real poo head by the way.) We were discussing the end of the world. I was a young child and I was crying because I wasn’t ready for it and I was worried Jesus would leave me behind. He then suggested the Bible made for kids.

Then as I was reading it went black, the earth was burning, fire was every where. But I wasn’t scared. I was a teenager again. Then a comical cartoon looking white spider wearing a green top hat was chasing me and trying to kill me. I some how knew I was pregnant and the spider wanted to transplant his DNA into it so it could make mutant spider people. But I tricked it and the spider fell down a gap in the ground and died.

Soon after it became winter and I was standing in the middle of a frozen lake. A handsome man came to save me riding a white elephant. I then realised that this man was my husband. Then the ice began to crack and fell in.

Was that strange or what?

On Saturday night Chris, Joan and I went out clubbing. It was fun. I however under a sugar and caffeine high decided to initiate “The Philis Dance.” The floor was scarce so my dance was very much seen by others and soon after I became the centre of attention and not in a so exactly positive away a negative making fun of type way. I became very self conscious. Luckily the self conscious feeling subsided once the floor became crowed and I decided to stop caring what complete drunken strangers think.

I am happy today because I am going to attempt to make my favourite dish. Green bean casserole, which consists of canned green beans, mushroom soup and plain potato chips. I hope I remember how to make it.

P.S. Whoo! Fat Bandit! I mean boo Fat Bandit! I’M FAT!

Irish Evil the sarcastic approach!

The coolest Cartoon I’ve seen in a while.

It relates to my assignment in Communication in the Digital Age, which I swear has driven me to the end of insanity and back! I’ve had enough of Wikipedia. I am almost tempted to rage Irish Evil upon many article. He he he….

Go the insanity! Snaps for madness! Jo and I have agreed to go mad together.

I’m in a very sarcastic mood.

I know when I have enough of assignments when I write the following for a television journalism assessment.

“The environmental person of all knowing expertness believes otherwise.”

Imagine if my tutors Bridget or Bruce whose names coincidentally begin with B and have very journalistic sounding names read that.

It amuses me for some reason and I am tempted to actually leave in the script.

You see my script is about global warming. Yes, yes I know global warming. Melissa is obsessed with global warming, snaps for Melissa the all knowing expert of global warmingness.

And I know I’m obsessed with global warming because I keep having nightmares about sea levels rising and drowning in a massively large ocean.

And by the end of writing this every so sarcastical entry I am finished my assignments. Yay! Although it’s Friday the 13 and it’s a very unlucky day to do assignments. That’s if you believe in superstitious mumble jumble.

Now for a brief interlude to the assignment madness…I plan to finish Superheroes during the week break. Yay! So stay tuned for a fantastical conclusion.

P.S. Whoever invented TV journalism is a poo head for making poor students work so hard and digital communication has eroded humanities ability to talk face to face. Mwhahahahahahhahhahahahha

Humanity Vs. Enviromentalism

Recently I’ve been told that I’ve gone on an environmental kick. That’s true!

Then there have been those who said I’m anti human and anti babies NOT true!

I guess that’s what I get for reading a chapter titled Go Forth and Multiply…in David Suzuki’s book It’s a Matter Of Our Survival. Some scientists and anti-poverty groups suggest abortion could be used to control the overpopulation problem on earth in third world countries, that because of the over population, these people are in poverty. It goes on to say that encouraging woman to have babies in Western countries through financial incentives just furthers the problem of overpopulation which drains our resources.

Suzuki says three North American children are just as deadly to the environment as 103 Bangladeshi children. However, I don’t think this isn’t just a matter of environmental concerns but cultural and societal differences. No where in this chapter does it mention the aging baby boomers or how maybe corrupt governments hold a card in the poverty dilemma as well.

I being silly, read this near Joan who desperately wants a baby, for reasons still unbeknownst to me. Then I was insensitive and said I agreed with some of the points, like overpopulation being bad. Silly me I forgot about Jo’s 16 year plan to have four kids. I feel terrible because it isn’t my place to judge who has babies and who doesn’t. I wonder if the environmentalists consider the fact that if we stop having kids the human race will end. Humanity and the environment go hand in hand but it seems that they are also opposing forces. It’s a never ending conundrum.

P.S. Mrs. Lachlan’s Mum is expecting her first litter of children….

Gods Eye

A couple nights ago I had a truly confounding dream.

I was in a fancy 19th century living room with lush red carpets and delicately engraved artistic walls. Joan was following me around.

I saw a shelf it had a book on it. It was a magazine that profiled me as an author. I read about how my current novel Song of the Superheroes was number 3 on the best sellers list. It mentioned the sequel and other works of brilliant non-fiction novels I had written about humanity and the environment. I tried to get an idea of what it said exactly but my eyes kept drooping as if I were tired and I couldn’t open them. I would then try to read it again and the same thing would happen before I could finish the paragraph. I do remember reading about how I mentioned in the article how my friends in Australia were the most inspirational and how much I missed them and I can’t wait to come back and visit.

So I told Joan in my dream that I thought this was a divine message and she replied that it was mostly likely from the underworld. Then suddenly I saw a giant eye peering at me through the ceiling. It was God’s eye. He called my name several times. It felt an almighty presence and I knew it was God. God then said to me. “Wake up! Now! Now! Now!”

When I woke up again I was in the same living room and Joan was shouting the same thing at me repeatedly. But this time she had turned into Lisa Simpson. I then saw a fatter version of her in a purple yelling at someone on the couch. I am not sure who it is.

I woke up again in my room and I picked up a baby. It was wrapped in a purple blanket and I shouted at it “Wake up! Now! Now! Now!” I then became the baby and I saw my eye looking at me.

Then if that wasn’t strange enough I was then in the Song of the Superheroes universe and Officer Octogenarian was sleeping in the front seat of the police car and Mrs. Lachlan's Mum in the back seat yelled at him to: “Wake up! Now! Now! Now! He then shot a hole in the roof because she had startled him. Then oddly enough there was a laugh track like in the sitcoms, and mysteriously though the hole in the police car was God’s eye again looking at me.

It are was strange. I wonder what it means.

Global Warming: Its a Matter of Our Survival

From reading Amy’s blog, I see she has a strong passion for indigenous rights. And although it’s hard to agree with everything said, I have respect for her. We need people to campaign and take an interest in important issues in this world.

As for me, I have a growing interest in environmental issues, particularly global warming.
Greenpeace, environmentalists, conservationists, preservationists are groups of people I have great respect for. They might be seen as crazy anti-human, anti-progress tree hugging weirdoes. They tend to go to extremes, but someone has to be brave enough do it. One may say I am turning into a greenie. Of course I’m not going to tie myself to tree or join an anti whaling expedition, but I do agree the planet is dying and it needs my help even if I am just one person.

Global warming is an issue that has made its way into the news on frequent basis. Scientists warn its global issue that affects the lives of everyone and everything who call Earth their home.

Canadian Environmentalist and geneticist David Suzuki in his book It’s a Matter of our Survival, says in the world is not infinite as we may believe, but it is actually finite. Humanity has this ideal that they can fix nature and take more than it gives back believing the Earth will replenish itself magically. When really were causing more harm than good. Nothing in our evolutionary experience or social conditions prepares us for the limits of a finite world.

Suzuki compares global warming to the phenomenon biologists call “boiled frog syndrome.” Basically if they put a frog in a pot of water and gradually increase the temperature of the water from 20 degrees C to 30 degrees to 40 degrees to 90 degrees, the frog would sit there unaffected, but when the water boils at 100 degrees, the frog would die. Environmentalists and scientists often use this example as a metaphor for the human situation. We are literally heating up the world with out recognizing the danger. Scientists’ warnings go unheeded. By seeing the world as infinite rather than finite we may not be aware that our local actions have global consequences.

Because the frog has no evolutionary experience with boiling water he is unable to see it as dangerous. Just like the boiled frog our senses are not attuned to the warnings of imminent danger. We don’t feel the acidy of the rain, feel the ultra violet radiation seeping through the ozone hole, taste the toxins in our food and water, or feel the heat of global warming. Just like the frog we feel the heat as gradual, therefore endurable.

Scientists constantly warn us that a five degree rise in temperature will mean the end of life on this planet as we know it. Imagine a world of famine, disease, rising sea levels, severe storms. It is not a science fiction movie, but a reality. It’s already happening and it might too late. We all share the same air, the same ocean the same home, yet we don’t seem to understand the dangers of what we are doing.

The plight of this situation may also scare others who feel there is nothing we can do to stop what is happening, but the truth is there is. Suzuki says if we start locally it works globally. Ideally if we all do something small it becomes bigger.

For me I recycle when I can and even rescue cans, bottles thrown into the rubbish bin my flatmates. They tend to think I’m a bit strange because of it. My mom composts green waste for her plants. If you have any clothes, or items you need or like anymore you can donate to the local second hand shop or sell it at garage sale. My grandma always said that “some else’s junk is another’s treasure.” It uses more energy to make something new. Conserve energy! Why have your computer or your TV on all day if you’re not going to use or watch it? Walk to the corner store instead of driving up the street. Take public transit if applicable. It’s your choice, but I believe it’s also your responsibility as a citizen of planet Earth.

Global Warming is an issue that is under constant debate. Whether you believe it is happening or not, it wouldn’t hurt to take care of the home we live and breathe of. I am under the belief that although human rights are immensely important, so is the environment. The Earth is like an island and if we deplete the elements that sustain us there is no human rights to fight for because humanity will extinct. Remember extinct is forever there is no going back.

P.S. This just in: Fergaria-Finbarton’s neighbouring island country Ferbaria-Purpleraria has just been covered in water due to rising sea levels and a severest most terrible cyclone every recorded.

No Dogs Allowed!

“Every human body has its optimum weight and contour, which only health and efficiency can establish. Whenever we treat women’s bodies as aesthetic objects without function we deform them and their owners.”

~Germaine Greer: The Female Eunuch.

I found that above quote interesting. It makes sense to me for some reason. When I read it, it jumped out to me among the garbled words that lay before me. Yes I’m reading the Female Eunuch. It’s strange.

I’m in a ranting type mood…so I apologise in advance if this blog entry sounds mean or whiny. I however won’t apologise for how I feel.

I’ve encountered some bad luck…

My new job ceased to exist after only 3 ½ hours. It made me mad on so many levels…Apparently according to the all knowing manager and his experience of all knowingness about the service station industry, I wasn’t suited for the job and it was better if I was told sooner than later. Rather than making me wait till the shift was over. I am not even being paid for it. Its one of the moments were I wish would have told the manager to go wank off and demand to be paid for my time. Even the enormous bowl of spaghetti I made didn’t quench my anger.

Today I was dragged around with my flatmate Maria. I don’t think she likes to be alone. I’m the exact opposite.

Here is a list off all the places we went for four long wasted hours.

1. Cleopatra's Beauty Salon
2. Wellness centre. Took her forever to find this place.
3. The University
4. Back to Cleopatra’s
5. A Tattoo and piercing shop
6. An adult shop. (It’s not anything X-rated.)
7. Diva- girly jewellery shop
8. Kebab shop
9. Angus & Robertson Bookstore
10. Another wellness gym type centre.
11. Subway
12. The Heath food store at Shopping Fair
13. Australia Country Living
14. A Pet store.

This whole entire day was a waste of my time. I wish I never went.

If that wasn’t bad enough, the pet store made me depressingly sad. I saw two puppies that looked exactly like my old dogs Shelby and Heidi. The little puppies were in a small dingy cage and looked so lonely and sad. I was tempted to pay for both of them just to get them out of there. I hope some nice people come to rescue them soon. Maria didn’t like them. Perhaps they weren’t fashionable enough?

Maria and her quest for a dog a strange interesting story indeed. Maria wants a dog because according to her she needs companionship.

She once had a cute golden puppy named Honey for about a day and a half at our flat. She ignored the fact that she couldn’t have one. It’s in plain English in the renters’ agreement NO DOGS ALLOWED. A depressing statement, which would anger a certain big brown dog named Finbarpurpleton. And perhaps his brother FERGUS!

She then coming to her senses, realising she couldn’t have her own way, tried but with no avail to find someone who would take care of it for her. She then gave it away to a pet shop. Then she blamed her sadness of losing the dog on Jo and me. The nerve of her!

Sadly, more like ironically, as is usually the case, she found someone after who could take care of her dog? However, new people attracted to the dog’s beautifulness, bought Honey from the pet store. Now Maria is mad because she couldn’t get her puppy back and she paid $50. Oh poor her. The world does not revolve around her.

DUH! If I was the new owners I wouldn’t give her back. It’s her own damn fault. I find those actions entirely selfish. She could have gotten Tarynn and me in trouble with management. Not only that, I was under suspicion that her puppy was a fashion accessory and not a flipping pet…THE END, which is probably why the cute sad dirty lonely puppies I saw today weren’t even considered.

PHEW! I’m done!

And now for some house keeping:

Note to my friends who keep asking me about what were in the secret files Sarah found in Chapter 45. I said what they were. If you read to almost the very end you’ll read this.

“… a folder with secret love letters to Paris Teddington, travel plans to the outer reaches of the solar system, a deadly virus, parasites and confidential files from the superhero agency, the police department and both Bamboozle Times and Bamboozle Chronicle Herald.”

I checked my story when I was asked and indeed I wrote what these secret files were. Read the chapter again if you don’t believe me.

P.S. I’ll carry your blender!

Attending the unattended...my blog

Someone keeps asking about my blog, namely a Princess Jo.

Why?

Is it because I’m interesting?

No it’s merely the fact that according the wise princess that I and many of our blogging friends have neglected our blogs. But then again if PJ is really interested to know my insights she is one of the friends that have the advantage of face to face communication.

My heads been in other places lately…In fact my head is full of thoughts that could be written out. I go through these phases where my head is so crammed full of questions and musings it hard to concentrate.

So here are the top five things I’ve been thinking about, in no particular order or importance.

Writing
I was reading my text book for Technology Communication and Culture where I read something quite brilliant. Scholar Andrew Robinson wrote that writing is among the greatest inventions in human history, because it made history possible. He also notes that many people don’t stop to think about how they write or how they learnt it.

Also I’ve finally managed to write Chapter 45 of my story. Not to mention I keep thinking about other stories, as well as assignments I should be writing. Because they are due Week 6!

Ghosts and the paranormal.
It’s actually something that quite interests me. I am not so sure I believe in the paranormal but I believe in the unexplained. That perhaps there is a reason for it.
Is my house haunted? Jo thinks so…I kind of wonder, seeing as strange things have gone missing, but it turned out to be something else, which I don’t think I should go into at the moment.

Getting a job
This thought has been on my mind for months. I finally have a job. It’s at Caltex as a kitchen hand. I start Monday at 6 a.m. Hopefully things work out.

Journalism
One of my classes I have undertook this term has been Television Journalism. I’ve been thinking about television in the sense that it’s different from newspapers. It’s helped me realise that, although very interesting, I don’t want to work in that area of journalism.

Dream interpretation.
I and many of my friends and flatmates have had some odd dreams lately. It makes me wonder why people dream certain things and why. I often to go to Dream Moods and visit the dream dictionary, but sometimes it still don’t make sense.

P.S. Red cordial just add water!

My defining motto

“A writer writes always.”

It’s a favourite quote of mine from the movie Throw Mama off the Train starring Billy Crystal and Danny DeVito. Its become my motto as a writer.

A few months ago when I was first embarking on my novel writing journey, I suddenly realised this isn’t just another fanciful short story its going to be something big.

To describe the secret of novel writing basics is too complicated to tell for some reason. Perhaps it’s because I believe every writer is different and has their own way of writing their masterpieces.

Writing sadly can be an egotistical thing. I think it’s the one craft or art form that doesn’t quite mix with criticism. Perhaps it’s because it’s something that comes from inside oneself, from their heart. It’s a part of the writer. No one likes to be told they can’t write.

Criticism is different than a critique. A critique if properly told or written can be a good thing. It lets the writer know what they are doing well and what can be improved upon. Writing is the one thing that can always be improved. It is constantly a learning process. Its good to listen to what others have to say.

So instead of telling you how to write, I’ll share with you some tips I have learnt through my writerly experiences.

When going to college back in Canada my journalism instructor told the class that as a writer you should write for the ears and not the eyes. He didn’t mean how it sounds when being broadcast on TV or radio, but it’s how it sounds when you read it silently to yourself. Does it flow fluently? Can you read it easily and enjoyably?

Another tip I learnt when writing is to show not tell. When possible that is. It’s far more effective to be shown a character acting eccentric or evil than being told they are eccentric or evil. It’s also a clever to write in scenes because it shows what the characters and his/her environment is like and sets the mood for the story.

Cliques = death. Avoid them. Here is a list of cliques to give you an idea of what I mean. Originality and cleverness are key ingredients. No one wants to read recycled garble.

These sites had some good advice as well.

Advice on Novel Writing: http://www.steampunk.com/sfch/writing/ckilian/

How to Write a Novel: http://www.spacejock.com.au/WriteANovel.html

What not to do: http://secretgeek.net/nonwriter.asp

How to write a novel in 100 days or less: http://peacecorpswriters.org/pages/depts/resources/resour_writers/100daysbook/bk100da.html

Oh yes Chapter 44 is ready for your reading pleasure. Stay tuned for Chapter 45.

P.S. Princess Jo is a dinner party expert.

Things that make me laugh or mad depending on how you read this entry

Chapter 43 is now finished. I have started Chapter 44…. It’s on its way slowly…

I there has ever been a word, phrase or name that makes one laugh, mine has to be the classic line from Terminator.

“Come with me if you want to live!”

I was watching Terminator Friday night and once I heard the line uttered by the protagonist Kyle Reese, played by Michael Biehn I burst out laughing. I have no explanation of why I think it’s so funny I just do. Maybe it’s like Chris and his unexplained giggling due to a certain name.

FERGUS!

Ah yes the guy I mentioned from New Zealand a few entries ago. I probably should have mentioned, but forgot. He is an old man married with a kid and I was merely sitting at the pool writing after a swim having a political and philosophical discussion. So certain people hoping a romantically type story. Don’t expect it. I’ve decide to become a journalist nun. THE END! I wish people would stop hinting at a potential love interest every time I mention a guy. It seriously annoys me. No offence to my family or friends, but STOP IT! That’s my rant for the day.

I might also add that I judged my new flatmates Tarryn and Maria just a tad to quickly. It’s slowly getting better I’m not ruling out a lifelong friendship.

Despite a funny light bulb incident, more like bizarre occurrence. Some how when Tarryn changed the light bulb just above the hallway upstairs it fell out of the socket and smashed all over the place. I watched her change it and everything. So how many uni students does it take to change a light bulb? Five! When Tarryn’s friends come over they offered their assistance as many good friends would. It was funny watching them inspect the light socket and such. You’d have to be there. Don’t worry I’m not ruling out stupidity.

P.S. Why is the sky blue?

Meet Ashleigh McGlonagkic: A nerd NERDY retarded weird girl.

This entry will be all about strangeness….How a sudden real life moment, dream or people can inspire a story… Chapter 43…is almost done. I promise!

Never mind I’ll turn over my blog to my alter ego Ashleigh McGlonagkic seeing as it was brought to my attention that she is not a fully developed character as the others in my book. I thought perhaps a blog entry on her would be insightful. Actually it was something Amy said in her review, that Ashleigh is a prominent character in the way that the other characters feed off of her. I know what she meant but I am not sure how to describe it.

So here it is…introducing the nerdy one.

Dear blogosphere of hopefully intelligent humans:

I am Ashleigh “Ash-Lady” D3 McGlonagkick. As most of you may all ready know I am a former Neptunian science droid from Neptune’s inner core. I’ll make it clear now that my family and I have legal Fergarian citizenship. So all you wanksters out there who keep trying to have my Mom, Grandma and brother and I deported…you better shut your pieholes!

The strangest thing someone has said to me recently, since moving to Bamboozle would have to be Nigel Bottington. Philis usually takes the cake on random eccentricities (more like eats the cake) but Nigel is another exception.

On February 22 I received news about myself I never even knew. Nigel told me during an interview as a potential photojournalist for Bamboozle Times, that in there’s a statue of me in Quebec Canada, where everyone celebrates Ashleigh Day?

Read Below:

Nigel: I didn't know they had a statue of you in Quebec!!
Me: What?
Nigel: There is a big statue of you in Quebec made of marble and gold.
Me: As if!
Nigel: And February 9th is National Ashliegh McGlonagkic Day and everyone has to wear homemade Rottweiler hats. And in workplaces, it's a competition and the person with the coolest hat gets a lock of your hair as a prize!
Me: Yeah right! Do they read from the sacred Ashliegh McGlonagkic text?
Nigel: Absolutely! Every Sunday, there is a big meeting in the place where your statue is and they prey for you to come back.
Me: My ass they do? I never heard of this so called celebration.
Nigel: That's because it are in Toronto. When was the last time you were in Toronto?
Me: I was 11 the last time I was in Toronto. Also Toronto is in the province of Ontario a completely different province to Quebec.
Nigel: I See? It uh... was only started a few years ago.
Me: Oh really...
Nigel: Yes…

Recently before applying to Bamboozle Times my good friend and me Philis Philmore a.k.a. the Fat Complainer used to work at a sanatorium in which we cared for frail pregnant old lady men. After we were fired for a indiscretion, no doubt caused by Philis, we each applied for numerous jobs as waitresses, astrophysicists, marine biologists, ice cream makers and coffee specialists.

This brings me to my next point. I am tired of is Philis constantly calling me a nerd NERDY retarded weird girl. She says it so much I keep looking in the mirror before I go to bed and reiterate the phrase over and over again.

I would also like to write some random fascinating fact for you all to read but I’m afraid that the computer might explode and the readers mind will implode causing them to collapse into a heap.

Thanks for you short span of attention,

Ashleigh

My new look! Its classy and sassy

My new haircut!

It makes me feel beautiful

Sophisticated!

I give it a 10 out of 10

That pretty much sums up the last couple of days.

That pretty much sums up the last couple of days. Oh yes the random photo shoot by Joan. These are just some of many. My original pictures I tried to take….lets just say I’m better at talking pictures of other people. As for Joan, she too has photogenic skills. Snaps for Joan!

Joan says it looks like a 1920s girl type of cut. I realised strangely enough that my hair contributes to a fraction of my identity. A small fraction.

A couple of nights ago I had this bizarre dream staring Mrs. Lachlan’s Mum and Officer Octogenarian. I thought perhaps I could add it to superheroes, but I think it stands out all on its own. You can read it here.

Don’t worry, Chapter 43 is being written and it is NOT up yet. So if you start e-mailing it saying you can’t find it…that’s probably because I haven’t posted it yet.

Apples vs. Oranges

A random question has been in my mind all day, is there away to ask someone to turn the music down with out sounding like an irate pregnant old lady man?

Want to know what a pregnant old lady man is? Read my story.
Today I had the most hilarious conversation with my flatmate Tarryn at the pool.

Tarryn: Have you ever been to America?
Me: I’ve been to Alaska.
Tarryn: So Canada is on top of America right?
Me: Ummm…yes? Both are on the same continent. North America.
Me thinking: Hello? Of course it is.
Tarryn: So its part of the same county?
Me thinking: Huh?
Me: (somewhat confused) Ummm… no they’re separate countries. They share the continent North America.
Tarryn: So they’re separate countries?
Me: Yes…
Tarryn: Oh OK.
Me thinking: (somewhat judgementally) IDIOT!

And its time for me to have a good laugh to myself thinking back to this hilarious anecdotal situation.

PHEW!

I’m done.

So what else happened today? I spent a good deal of time in the pool because Tarryn invited me to swim so I thought why not. I was dealing with writers block at the time so I thought perhaps a good swim would clear my mind. I ended up talking to this really smart guy from New Zealand. I can't remember his name it begins with a K and his half Maori. We had the most interesting conversation. Now for some reason I badly want to go to New Zealand.

We mainly talked about the environment. I believe in human rights, but I think environmental protection should come first or at least be at par with the importance of it. Because if there is no environment to sustain us then we die and there is no human rights to fight for or protect. I believe humanity and the environment go hand in hand.

Which now brings me to the point of this entry…Today, the silly conversation, the deep thoughts about environmental issues has made me realise how different I am from my current flatmates.

My flatmates are the complete opposite of me. They are oranges and I am apples. They like a good glass of wine…I like a good glass of water. They like to party. I like to study. They spend their time worrying about boys and hair. I spend my time thinking about intellectually stimulating ideas and writing.

I am sure if I tried and intellectual conversation with them their brain might implode from because the unused electrons wouldn’t be able to cope with it. They wouldn’t understand any of my witty jokes if one came as presented itself right in front of their pretty face. And yes I’ve stereotyped them, filed them in a box called oranges, placed myself in a box called apples and judged them. They are so different to me I find it hard to bond with or understand them. It’s a sad fact but I feel like an outsider.

P.S. The sunflowers know all!

The most beautiful boy in the world?

So how was my day today? Despite the constant noise from my flatmates limited pop culture musical stereo. She plays the same five songs over and over again. I was awoken at 8:45 a.m. this morning by it. I felt annoyed and I was tired. I was so mad I wanted to tell her to turn it down or I’ll punch her in the face, but I’m no violent type.

Today has been creative. Chapter 42 is now available for reading.

Once I had a strange dream…

Chris, Kate, Amy and I were making my book Song of the Superheroes into a movie. Of course this was during the time Chris suggested it.

We each were going to play the main characters of course, but we need Officer Octogenarian, the most beautiful boy in the entire world. Many actors came to mind during this dream. In this dream because I was Ashleigh otherwise known as Ultra Nerd I could fly so while my friends drove down a city road in a white convertible listening to killer tunes. I flew above them in serenity.

Guy Sebastian the future Officer Octogenarian? I'm not so sure about this one.

It was decide that Officer Octogenarian would be played by Guy Sebastian. This I have no idea why. So my friends and I sent out to find Guy to personally ask him to be in our film version. Chris and Kate went else where why Amy and I went opposite directions as well.

Near the end of the dream I found Guy at a friendly house somewhere in the suburbs. For some reason in the dream a legion of girls were at his house, furthering our reasoning he should be the beautiful officer. I knocked on his door and when I asked if he would like to be in our film. He glared at me and slammed the door in my face.

This dream has brought me to this very question what does Officer Oliver Octogenarian look like? Its clear to me the Officer Octogenarian has become a complex character and is more than just a beautiful man and here is why.

He is first introduced in Chapter 5. According to Officer Octogenarian himself he is a young robust but “a young robust 23-year-old rugby-playing male.” He believes he is the most beautiful man to grace the entire planet.

Inspector Cathy Such And Such (Mrs. Lachlan’s Mum) his police partner often accuses him of being Carly Simon like. (Think the song “You’re So Vain.) Fergus, Inspector Such And Such’s husband believes Cathy would be keen on making sweet, sweet love to the beautiful officer, but as Cathy puts it. “He is not attracted to her femininity.” – Nigel Bottington is, as well as many others…

This quote pretty much sums up what he looks like and the love interest the main character Sarah Evans develops.

"Then she (Sarah) sees him. The most beautiful boy she has ever seen in her entire life He has brown eyes, which were dark and mysterious, coffee coloured skin, berry coloured lips and a head of stunning black curly hair. Oooh his smile she thinks. She almost faints from eating her hair."

Her love at first is based looks. A love at first sight type deal, but clearly this develops to more of a personal level near the end. She becomes a love sick puppy. He is the man she wants to marry and have babies with and she often imagines stuff about him some of it X-rated some of it not. But even though she really likes him his certain characteristics annoy her. Not to mentions she stays true to herself.

He is sought after romantically or sadly probably just physically by many female and male characters, due to his beauty.

One of which is Norma Normington, Sports Editor of Bamboozle Times upon their first meeting she says “he are GORGEOUS!” and often propositions him to make sweet, sweet love to her through out the story. He repeatedly declines in a not so thoughtful manner. It should be noted now that he can only make sweet love as sweet, sweet love is too much work for him.

Another is Nigel Bottington Editor in Chief of Bamboozle Times said he is a, “very good looking 23-year-old robust rugby-playing male.” He later propositions him, admitting he is attracted to the beautiful officer. He has also said ‘Officer Octogenarian makes gay boys exceptionally happy, woman week in the knees and heterosexual males question their sexuality or become really, really jealous?”

Fellow Bamboozle police woman, Officer Rosie Cheeks attempts to steal a kiss from him when he had fallen due to a brain melting attack by Ultra Nerd.

Ashleigh McGlonagkic (Ultra Nerd) the most sensible character even considers the idea of making sweet, sweet love to him in the early chapters, but she becomes one of the characters to prejudice him because of his beauty in an almost jealous type of way. Maybe because she secretly knows she could never have someone so beautiful. Her best friend Philis Philmore faints from looking at his beautifulness. More about her later…

Sports reporter Mike Queensburry pointed out to fellow reporter Paul McNewberrys (who was found out to be bisexual) is attracted to the beautiful officer. Paul responded by saying everyone is attracted to him.

Although Officer Octogenarian is extremely gorgeous, he is discriminated for being the way he is. His colleagues often tell him to be a model or a movie star something he’d be good at because of his physical appearance, but he perseveres as a police officer something that hasn’t been said why as of yet. He wants to be smarter and use his brain and longs to be accepted for his insides, the person he really is. The only person who seems to know the real him is his sister Princess Jo and possibly Sarah.

He is also attracted to two women through out the story Sarah Evans and Philis Philmore. It’s known to the readers that Sarah loves him back, but its unknown if Philis does. She constantly rejects him saying it’s bestially and he wouldn’t like her because she is fat. Little does she know Officer Octogenarian has a fetish for heavyset girls and he has stuck up her several times when people have said she was fat. And upon first meeting her thought her to be the most beautiful fat girl he had ever seen. It hasn’t been decided which girl he will chose although unfortunately it seems to be in Sarah’s favour. I want him to choose Philis because she is the underdog.

And what is a girl’s idea of the most beautiful man? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Officer Octogenarian in my story represents this world’s constant longing for beauty.

Stay tuned for more character profiles and blog entries.

P.S. When vacationing on Mars near Mount Olympus always wear a helmet

Oh the Anticlimactic writing possibilites

So how do you like my new blog layout?

My head at the moment is filled with many questions. I suppose you could say that this is a rather random entry as I really have no theme in mind.

What is there to say about today? Not much…It was warm. I was still sick. I wrote Chapter 42 of my story today, but it has yet to be typed up. It is sitting safely written inside my notebook.

Ah my notebook, my main tool for the endless writing possibilities, random inquires and memories. I have 10 notebooks I have written in since I was 17. Six of them are packed away in Canada. Four of which I have filled up since being here in Australia.

Then of course there’s pens. I don’t use pencils because they smudge and I get greyness on the sides of my hands as it rests on the note book. And I don’t like pens because the same thing happens with the pen ink. I think my mom was worried at one point that I may unwittingly tattooed my hands with blue mess, sometimes black. So why don’t I just use a keyboard and type it all up. I have no idea.

So far I have come to the conclusion while writing my story that it is highly confusing and anticlimactic. But I digress it now officially novel length at over 80,000 words. I guestimate that is will be at least 100,000 to 120,000 words. As the infamous Lauren Such And Such would say “It are a long book.” And I often wonder while still writing it: will it be published one day?

I was surprised to find out how many of my friends formed an emotional connection to the story. So when I finish it how do I credit the ideas my friends gave me?

I am surprisingly excited and nervous about university next week. So far I am enrolled in

Communication in the Digital Age

Technology Communication and Culture

Television Journalism

Its hard to believe that there will only be two more terms left before I go back to Canada, but that is months away.

P.S. There are ways to tell the evil counterparts apart…stay tuned.

Meet Philis Philmore

For the last few days I have been sick with a cold that I caught from Joan. It has sucked. Any attempt to be creative drained from me much like nasal mucus that has left me, but you probably didn’t want to know that.

So those waiting for Chapter 41 of my story I apologise for the wait. It is now ready to read here. In fact I am so inspired by a burst of creativity I dreamt all of Chapter 42, possibly 43. The book is now officially over 80,000 words.

So in honour of the new chapter, today I will turn over my blog to Philis Philmore for a Philis like entry.

Dear people of the universe,

This is my first weight loss entry. You probably won’t be able to finish reading it because it’s too fat to read. And by the time I am finished I hope to have lost a 500 kilos. But Ashleigh says if I lost 500 kilos I’d die. More about my nerdy friend later.

As some of you may or may not know, I am Philis Apricot Georgina Philmore. One thing that gets me made besides being called fat is how people commonly misspell my name because I am fat. People either spell it Phyllis, Phillis or Phylis, but it’s spelt PHILIS! It makes me so made I go up another dress size.

Ashleigh my NERD nerdy retarded weird girl friend says that my name means green leaves. So I asked her if the green leaves she mentioned were fat. She said no as always. Then tells me to never mind, but you can’t never your own mind, especially me because I am fat. She must think my brain is drowned in my fat.

And because of my fatness I am going on a diet which consists of not eating anything for a whole hour, which will be hard because I like food and it’s not because I’m fat. That’s just a stereotype, but the type of stereo I am not sure.

Today consisted of me and my duty as coffee girl at Bamboozle Times, but the Editor Nigel Bottington doesn’t like my coffee and often threatens to fire me because I am fat. Then the Acting Assistant Editor Norma Normington keeps saying I should die. I say: That’s terrible.

Ashleigh and I have formulated a plan to poison Nigel with the coffee, but the problem is he doesn’t drink it all the time. One time a reporter Paul McNewberrys drank the coffee meant for Nigel by mistake and he began to have grandiose ideas of grander, such as story ideas, Nigel quickly shot him down saying he was uncool.

The only reporter not to be affected our coffee schemes is Sarah Evans because she drinks herbal tea. Ashleigh told me it was because she thinks coffee causes cancer. I called her a liar because if I served something that was cancer causing I wouldn’t be serving it in the first place. Ashleigh said that it was just Sarah’s NERD writer pretty girl speculation.

Here’s our conversations as follows:

Philis: Hiiiiiiii Ashleigh
Ashleigh: Hi Philis
Philis: Sarah doesn’t like the coffee I make is it because I’m fat?
Ashleigh: No Philis she drinks herbal tea.
Philis: Only Greek people drink herbal tea.
Ashleigh: Maybe she is Greek
Philis: She doesn’t look Greek.
Ashleigh: Actually she told me not to tell you this but she doesn’t drink coffee because she thinks it causes cancer. She thought you might be offended by this.
Philis: Ashleigh I wouldn’t make stuff that is cancer causing because people would get sick and die.
Ashleigh: Clearly, but it hasn’t been scientifically proven that coffee actually causes cancer.
Philis: You haven’t been scientifically proven.
Ashleigh: Neither have you! She also said she doesn’t drink coffee because it matches her skin.
Philis: What! That’s stupid. I eat ice cream and it matches my skin.
Ashleigh: That’s not ice cream Philis that peach sorbet.

Thank you for not reading.

Philis

For more Philis adventures read here!

The invaded become the invaders.

Today Kate told me that next year, if I am still in Australia I will be upgraded from Portuguese to Malaysian.

Besides the ongoing news of my many changing forced ethnicities and identities, being a Canadian international student studying in Australia and my ongoing book ambitions….

I moved to another unit. I took awhile but it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Luckily Carol was there to help in sprit, as she offered her assistance through astral projection on msn. Maybe that’s why the suitcases didn’t seem so heavy.

Joan even offered to help, but because I have this desire to do things my way and my way only. She left after moving one suitcase. I wonder if it was to get away from the wrath that is the angry nerd Mel-issa or if indeed she actually was tired. I apologize for my behaviour by the way. I am now physically and mentally tired. Tomorrow I suppose I’ll spend time unpacking the stuff I packed over.

And for once I feel like the invader, not the invaded upon. It’s the new flatmate scenario in reverse.

To invade according to the dictionary means:

1. To enter forcefully as an enemy: go in with hostile intent.
2.To enter like an enemy
3. To enter as if to take possession.
4. To enter and affect injuriously or destructively, as a disease.
5. To intrude upon
6. To encroach or infringe upon
7. To permeate
8. To penetrate; spread into or over.
9. To make and invasion.

Perhaps it’s the fifth one I am feel most associated with at the moment. No my new flatmate doesn’t hate me. She is nice, a psychology student at uni, named Tarryn. I feel like the invader because it’s the awkward first meeting type deal and because it doesn’t feel like my home yet.

And for some reason Joan is sadder about me switching units than I am. Perhaps it’s the illusive change that has popped out of nowhere, now prevalent in the switching of my living space. Maybe it’s because there is so many memories good and bad attached to my old unit. But, less she forget many more good and bad memories can also be made in my new home, once I have adjusted and I don’t feel like I am invading someone else’s home. And maybe just maybe it’ll feel like my room again once I put up my hoards of pictures.

And now my next point of this blog entry. I am a pack rat. Its amazes me the amount of things I accumulated being in that unit almost a year. Some of it makes no sense.

Anyways about the pack rat thing, my mom is a pack rat so I am sure I learnt some of her habits from here. Today I watched Dr. Phil. (Yes I watch Dr. Phil. )Today’s episode was about extreme hoarding or pack rats. He said that often amassing material possessions is a way to control the feelings inside, that in order to control the internal someone may control the external as a coping mechanism. For example grieving the loss of a loved one or perhaps as a way to feel better about ones self because they control the inanimate objects around them rather than dealing with their true feelings. For some reason I think that describes me and I don’t know why either. And today as I moved my belongings, I thought are material possessions really a big deal? It’s going to mean nothing once I die. Is there a reason why I feel the need to save things?

I also realized today that I am emotionally attached to my book. I’ll write more about this conundrum later. I’d be happy if you feel inclined to read it. Chapter 41 is currently under development.

P.S. Brown Dog is white not brown and belongs to Mrs. Bruce Willis Man. Not Lauren Such and Such. That is all.

I made it to a whole entire year!

Today is I’ve been in Australia for a year. AN ENTIRE YEAR! So much has happened.

This means I am Portuguese?

This is according to my good friends Chris and Kate who say I have graduated from Mexican. (I still have no idea where they got this one from) and now I am from Portugal, saying I still have to earn my right to be Canadian. In five years if I am still in Australia if pray tell I become an expatriate and no longer a Canuck. I will be considered an Australian. Go me!

Sometimes I go through phases where I am homesick and I don’t necessarily miss anything in particular. It’s during moments of homesick I reflect on things I miss.

Such as poutine, a fast food staple and much loved Canadian dish that is only found in Canada. And to the contrary it is not “American” as some people may have mentioned in the past.

And here is why. Poutine is a French Canadian dish invented in Warwick Quebec in 1957 consisting of French fries topped with fresh cheese curds and covered with hot gravy. Poutine with melted cheese, shredded cheese, or cheese slices is not regarded as "genuine" poutine.

For more interesting facts on this delicious dish….read here.

And here

Also here

And I also miss root beer a soft drink or as I call it pop. It is a dark beverage that comes in both alcoholic and non alcoholic forms. The soft drink version is generaly made from root beer extract or other flavored syrups along with carbonated water. Root beer is similar in taste to sarsaparilla, but can vary in taste between brands because a different variety of ingredients can be used. My favourite brands are Barq’s and A&W.

A common nickname I miss is Canuck… It is slang term meaning a Canadian. Some feel it’s an affectionate nickname and patriotic. And for some reason some think the term is only acceptable when said by a Canadian as it can be misinterpreted to be an ethnic slur particularly by Americans… Why is this? I have no idea. Since being in Australia I’ve been called a Canuck once. Don’t worry I don’t find it offensive if called one, unless you say I am from Soviet Canuckistan…then I will seriously punch you in the face.

Oh yes and I ummm….miss my family and ummmm….friends….

Oh yes! Please read my story! It’s a tad anticlimactic but it is being worked out. Oh and I apologize to Amy for being all nit picky about the lovely review she gave my story. I am sorry. I ARE DINKLE HEAD!

P.S. Good news Brown Dog are has been found. He are didn’t want to be finded and Lachlan are wants Lauren to give him BACK! The end!

Pictures are reminders of change.

Introducing!

Ah the beauty of a photograph... and photoshop. I love pictures. So much I think I am obsessed with them.

I had 330 pictures on my wall.

Had…

I now have an enormous heavy blob of blue tack.

Why has this happened?

It wasn’t because I was sick of the pictures.

It’s because….

I found out yesterday that I am moving to a new unit. So the first natural step for me was to take all of my pictures off of my walls. 174 of them were photographs. My bedroom walls were littered with 46 postcards, 17 posters, 14 cards, and 74 miscellaneous pictures I found in magazines and other places. My room used to be a mosaic, an art form. Now it is a baron sad looking room.

It doesn’t feel like my room anymore. Perhaps because my room her in Australia was a defining picture of who I am; a nerd obsessed with pictures. Maybe I was being proud and pompous, showing of my photogenic skills by the display of the photographs of my friends and animals.

Or the other theory is I like to collect stuff and I had no space for it any place else so seeing as they were pictures, the wall seemed a good place at a time.

This mostly likely was all about change.

Change is inevitable. Some love it and welcome it, some hate it and fear it, and some disregard it realising it’s a part of life.

I am somewhere in between. Change, for me is a love hate relationship. Its not something you can control all the time. It happens when you want it too and sometimes when you least expect it.

A friend told me she hates change and when she is old and decrepit she’ll hide in her old house with things that are a hundred years old and yell at change telling it to go away. The only problem with this is change it won’t go away and it will constantly happen.

The biggest change in my life besides going to Australia was something much bigger at the time. My mom moved away to a different province and I stayed behind to study for my last year of college. This to me was huge I had never been on my own before and the thought of it was scary. This is much bigger than a bunch of pictures.


To me pictures are the sole reminders of change. You look back on them years from now and realise how different things were or how much has changed since then.

And now here she is again.




Mrs. Lachlan's Mum is a key character in my story. There for you should read it.

P.S. Brown Dog is still missing.

What does Hev-Lady stand for...Thats easy...It stands for:

My goodness this last week has been interesting.

I went from feeling like I am stuck in a rut, questioning my future and feeling as if I was having nothing but bad luck.

The only highlight of the week was seeing the music video Fat by Weird Al. I swear it could be Philis’s theme song. I also wrote Chapter 38, the biggest chapter yet of my story. I even figured out an ending and a plot twist, even the ending, but that is to come later. I have officially written over 75,000 words now. But the best thing to happen all week is when I found out..

*Drum roll*

I am staying in Australia after all.

The questioning type dilemma that plagued me for two months is finally over.

Today I developed a new obsession. I really want to see Alfred Hitchcock’s movies, specifically, Strangers on a Train, Rear Window and North by Northwest. And it was all because of a documentary about Hitchcock on the ABC this afternoon. Something said on the documentary really stuck with me. They said when Hitchcock could no longer ‘act out his fantasies’ (making films) he essentially died. And then I thought what if I could no longer writer. What would happen to me? I have always been under the impression that some people have only one thing that defines them, something they truly love, but if its taken from them a big part of them dies. I think I am one of them.

On a bad note my mom was in the hospital last week. Unfortunately she is back there again.

Perhaps I should dedicate this entry to Hev-Lady, a.k.a. my mom. Its true she’s from Neptune, just like me, expect she’s not a droid from the planets inner core. Just kidding she’s from Canada and according to a wise observer Amy; she’s the coolest Canadian Mum ever. That comment was greatly appreciated.

My Mom! Back in Lethbridge before I came to Australia. Yes I took this picture!

Hev-Lady stands for:

Heroine that is
Elegant
Veracious
Loving
Altruistic
Dazzling in
Youth

How would I describe Hev? Or more appropriately Heather because that's her real name.

She isn’t quite conventional. I learnt adult stuff that should have waited till I was old enough to hear it.

When I was eight years old, in order to get over my fear of the dark or scary movies. She made me watch Nightmare on Elm Street: Freddy’s Dead the Final Nightmare. She told me to laugh at it in order to not be afraid. Sadly it didn’t work completely. I wasn’t afraid of Freddy Kruger I could even watch the movie all by myself when I was 12, but I was still afraid of the dark. It was around this time I developed and irrational fear of toilets as well, due to watching Look Who's Talking Too, but that's another story.

Sometimes she makes me mad. When I was 17 she developed what I think is an unhealthy addiction to the computer. She would sit on it for hours playing games and talking to faceless, speechless people, called online friends. Its one of these reason I detest online games and when invited to play I often decline. There were times I wanted to rip the computer cord out of the wall and trash her entire computer.

She has a wacky dry sense of humour, which I inherited. What kind of mom would openly discuss the size of superman’s you know what on a boring road trip, saying he there is a reason spandex would be a problem, compare bails of hay in a farmers field to giant’s poo, laugh loudly during Godzilla and once while watching King Kong she remarked how the giant worms looked like giant penis’s.

She always helped me out, whether it was advice or some other odd problem. When I was 14 I decided my hair was ugly. I cut it, messing it up royally. Luckily mom was on the way, the only problem she was a bit drunk. Surprisingly she fixed my hair. It wasn’t uneven.

My mom doesn’t take crap from people who are prejudice towards my brother and is always trying to find a way to better a situation what ever it may be.

Hev has a hidden sadness. I see it in her eyes. I often wonder what it is. Things have happened through out the years I think could contribute to it, but there are others that happened before I was born or I was too young to remember.

I am thankful for my mom. She’s my hero. Not many moms could do what she has done and many don’t understand what it is really like for a single mom or growing up in a single parent family. I respect her for that. I turned out alright. She did a good job. Sure we had our differences but it all worked out.

P.S. Mrs. Bruce Willis Man is looking for Brown Dog if you seen him please click here. Oh sorry thats just a link to my story please read it. READ IT! READ IT! READ IT!

My imagination boths helps me and frightens me.

Greetings from Finbarpurpleton!

And his brothers...

I stayed up till 3 a.m. this morning. Why up so late? It’s safe to say that over the last couple of months I have been quite the night owl, partly from undying fear of financial proportions, confounding decisions and partly because night owl-like behaviour is somewhat hereditary. My dear mom is one as well. I dislike it because it means sleeping in furthering the process of staying up to ghostly un-humanlike hours…sometimes till 4 am sometime even till 6 a.m.

Staying up late is a somewhat lonely experience. Because the world is asleep or at least the part of the world you reside in is splendid slumber. One is often left only to their thoughts, resulting in constant turning in bed and near insanity because for some reason memories from the past, both good and bad decide to come popping into the mind.

But I digress it is also calming because I rather enjoy being in my own mind if it means creative bliss, for instance writing my story, which scarily enough is almost at 70, 000 words. READ MY STORY!

Anyways…my experience with night time has changed since coming to Australia. What is now insomnia was at one time paranoia. I used to be afraid of the dark. Make that terrified. I slept with a nightlight.

The precarious quiet used to terrify when I was younger. I somehow let my imagination which is supposed to help, run amuck and it usually did so at night.

My earliest fears of the dark are when I was seven. There was the boogedy man and his trusty boogedy dog. In order to make these fearsome imaginations, most of them resulting from nightmares, I amalgamated them into my on going list of imaginary friends. I had hundreds. Yes hundreds!

When I was eight that defence went away, because my mom’s nosey, apparently well meaning friends wanted me to dispose of my imaginary friends because they thought there was something abnormal about it. My mom agreed. So one day while traveling over a bridge in Ashcroft I dumped them over. Most of them drowned. I’d imagine my old imaginary friends coming back wanting an explanation for my meanness. I made friends with the survivors and more friends as well and when my mom found out they came back I had to flush them down the toilet.

Most of my fears came from nightmares when I was nine. It usually involved a man with razor blades for legs, hooks for arms and metal teeth and when he came for me he mad a scary sound. I also remember a guy who was trying to make me believe in reincarnation and a cannibal as cannibalism used to scare me.

When I was 14 being a Star Trek nerd in training I often watched Star Trek Next Generation or Star Trek Voyager with my mom. These shows were alright except for the fictional antagonist the Borg. They scared the crap out of me. I would often imagine them coming into my room intending on assimilating me. But I would point out Captain Picard and they’d leave me alone.

When I was 17 years old my imagination would run wild. I would often imagine Alien from the movie abruptly smashing in my bedroom door, lifting helpless me out of bed, tossing me in the air and consuming me in on gulp, then just for humours sake picking his beastly alien like teeth with my glasses. I also had a fear of sponteanously combusting and alien autopsies while I slept. These fears usually came after reading such stories on the net.

I some how developed an imaginative combative approach, that I used since I was little to beat the fear out of nightmares. When I was 17 I imagined Alien wearing a cowboy hat, while Wild Will my imaginary rottweiler and his team red and purple monkeys beat him with baseball bats. Unfortunately sometimes they would beat me instead and Alien would point and laugh, forgetting his Melissa eating type mission. The imagination combat never work, the fact I imagined Alien in my room was frightening enough. Not to mention stupid.

When I was 20 living on my own. I thought perhaps my fear of darknes had disapeared, but then I was stupid and imagined Alien popping up every once in awhile as always. Sometimes he would give up because my house was so pathetic and small Alien decided to terrorise some other over imaginative nerd.

How odd it is science fiction something that I find rather entertaining also used to frighten me.

Then miraculously the first night in Australia no fear at all, it hasn’t come back since. Perhaps the brave journey of the Pacific helped or maybe I began to grow up.

P.S. Wild Will says Captain Bottle Pop are the greatest!

Decisions Decisions What am I to do?

Have you ever come to tumultuous decision in your life? One that will decide things for a very long time? YOU’RE INTIRE LIFE! Oh sorry entire is spelt with an E.

Anyways, this is happening to me at this very moment.

Two questions are haunting me.

1. Do I go back to Canada?
2. Do I find a way to stay in Australia?

So far both questions are plaguing me to the point of insanity. Its haunting to the point that I even dream about it, even more so than my obsession with the story I’m writing. Sometimes in these dreams I am going home and feeling miserable and sometimes I am staying hanging out with my new friends.

If I go back to Canada I will feel like I have failed in some way, even though I really haven’t according to wise spectators, scientists and sexual therapists. Think Chris, Jo, Kate and Amy.

Yesterday for some reason I was all set to go home. I had this idea to go to University of Calgary and finish my degree there. To me it would be just like Chris changing to Macquarie University in Sydney. So it wouldn’t be quitting. And it isn’t!

Then this part of me says NO! I should finish my degree here and find away to pay for it. Today I was all depressed about it and even more depressed when my grandparents offered to help me go home. But what is home? And where is it? In fact I don’t think I have ever found a place I can truly call home yet. For some reason that really disturbs me.

Then another part altogether says I should go back to Canada to:
1. Face my demons
2. Find my father (long story)
3. Escape Chris sexualized advice.
4. Save Lachlan’s Mum

Then today I find out that Carol thinks we’ve drifted apart, a very clear example of the affects my decision to come to Australia in the first place. Apparently friendship isn’t the same in front of ‘computer screen.’

It’s as Carol said:

“It was better being able to talk to you on the phone and you being physically here to do stuff with me. We hardly talk anymore because we are to busy for each other and it hate e-mailing people and it's not the same talking to someone on a computer screen, then it is face to face. So I feel we've drifted apart and are going are separate ways”

Ah and of course the story Carol would have said:

“You abandoned me you NERD nerdy retarded weird girl! Now I am all alone with my fat self!”

PUNT!

She then destroys her computer screen by way of SUMO! Because she hates talking to computers and anything that looks like it talking to her. Or perhaps she accidentally knocks it over on her way to the fridge.

My response to both:

You’re absolutely right. Have I lost a once prosperous friendship? And if I leave Australia will this doom my now new friendships I’ve made? Will they be relegated to computer screen? I certainly hope not.

So much for this pact we made!

And a surprise positive comment from my friend Becky in Canada, when I asked her if she thought we were drifting appart as well:

“I mean we can't help it that your in Aussie Land and I am busy with my new boyfriend, and trying to find myself a new job and plus you have your new hobby”

My response:

I suppose my new hobby would be my novel? Oh and blame the Aussie Land reference on my mom. Anyways, she seems to have a more positive outlook which is promising. Her only request is when I come back to bring her souvenir. I would bring her a koala but it might suffocate and die in my suitcase. And I am not one for animal cruelty.

All and all Australia hasn’t been a waste of time or money. I’ve made some really good friends and learnt new things about people, journalism and even myself.

And now I rely on faith that everything will work out for the best no matter what happens.

P.S. Captain Bottle Pop are the greatest! Oh and Read my story!

My long account of 2006

I would first like start my blog off by saying:

Kate I am sorry if I upset you. My comments were rather negative. I know your comments weren’t meat to be mean. I Mel-issa am big dinklehead. The end!

And now to other things…

I suppose it’s my turn to write a best of 2006. Much like Chris and Amy 2006 was a very eventful year. But unlike them I think I might write my best of 2006 a little differently. 20 days late kind of differently.

The first thing I remember about January 2006 is me walking at 7 a.m. in freshly fallen snow. I was asked to work this day but the managers even offered to take me to work on account that I have no vehicle and still don’t, go figure. Ironically the manager never showed up. Also during this month I was periodically accused of having borderline personality disorder by a good friend from college, who at the time was my roommate. Unfortunately are friendship ended on bad terms not a good way to start off the New Year. This was my last full month before I went to Australia.

February a very stressful month, the first half I was preparing to go to Australia, the other I was attempting adjust. Sometimes I still had to tell myself I made it to Australia. February ended with a bang. My flatmates Justin and Joan started dating and I made a new friend. On orientation day for university at CQU I was somehow inspired to discuss Bollywood and differences between indigenous peoples in Canada and Australia with Amy. I think it was fate. At the end of the month I moved to a different flat.

March was just as interesting. I moved to a new flat in which I met my favourite flatmate of all time Louie! She was the best. She had an awesome collection of movies I have seen in my entire life. Oh and I met Multimedia Guy!

In April a trip to Great Keppel resulted in bad sunburn. Other than that the day was great. It also was the month I became obsessed with a horse just down the street.

May was an interesting month. It was during this fateful month the A.E.S.M was formed! Many adventures followed this.

In June the A.E.S.M made a movie. I used my digital camera to film it. It was sporadic as it was fun and weird. It started off with Antonia coming out of the fridge, me disappearing and being the ghost narrator, Antonia being poisoned from drinking poison lemonade to Chris being the murder. I also began writing a series of Wild Will stories about my friends laced with inside jokes. I started a job at Express Subs & Sushi in which my nationality was often confused with America. I also met my new flatmate Kayla, who was an insufferable know it all.

In July term 2 started. Also it was in this month I pondered on the relevance of American programming in Australia first by watching a nature show about penguins and then Miss America. It was also in this month I debated whether it was a good idea to stay in Australia and study because of the financial side of things. It was also said by my unit managers that I am lonely. They still insist that I am even though I have brought friends over heaps of times. July was also the month that I ate pigeon eggs. YUCK! My obsession with finally speaking to Multimedia guy continued.

In August I developed an obsession for decoding the Futurama alien alphabet and Babel Fish. I even started writing my ‘Carol stories’ in French, German, Portuguese, Spanish, and other languages. I also developed my theory on the know it all. Chris, Kate and I decided to film a sequel to the A.E.S.M. movie filmed in June. Kate and I were the new flatmates of Chris, which is quite different than the original. Chris has gone mad, yet flamboyantly homosexual, Kate plays a girl with attitude and I play a girl who has three voices, Melora, Carol and Wild Will Who dies in this film? I am still confused by it. It’s left rather open ended. Oh yes and who could forget about Desmond, who lives in the boot of Kate’s car. Also Chris and I made a documentary about the Multicultural fair at CQU.

In September Chris and I filmed a documentary about the first two Flat To Myself movies. It’s about two documenters named Maverick and Angela, although, they often refer to each other as Chris and Melissa. Of course this was before we established the names of the documenters. Anyways, they attempt to find out what really happened as well as visit the dog Fergus who they may have unintentionally misinterpreted to be a witness and there is a return of the thing that taunted them at the Multicultural Fair. I gave up on Multimedia Guy, deciding it was the “Where’s Waldo of the romantic world.” Also I met Jack, who according to Chris eats babies. It was because of this I had this truly confounding dream in which Amy and Carol died, I became Chris then as Chris I married Jack. I also discovered that there is Fergus Ontario Canada and a Fergus County in Montana U.S.

October was a strange month. I entered a time of self pity and homesickness the day after my birthday. I found out that I am actually Mexican and I have to earn my right to be Canadian. Also in October I went to Sydney with Chris and Amy. We went every where from the monorail, The Opera House, Taronga Zoo and a gay bar on Oxford St. That trip was the highlight of my experience in Australia. And I joined Greenpeace and gained a better appreciation of the environment. I also started to write my novel called Songs of the Superhero. I also apparently decided to stop writing Carol stories.

November marked the worst flatmate of all time. I spent a lot of time writing and eventually developing homesickness as it came closer to December. I finally retired Wild Will as a character although; he does appear occasionally in my superheroes story. I also went back to analysing differences between Australia and Canada for some reason. I also replaced the character Carol with a character named Philis.

December was tough being so far away from home and all. It was this month I came up with Finbarpurpleton. I lost the job at Express Subs & Sushi even though I liked where I worked. I also began to obsess over my story, which I still am. By December there were 27 chapters written and over 44, 000 words. I then began a science fiction like kick, starting with the planet of Uranus, which I thought is a stupid name. Christmas I spent with other international students and I ended 2006 with Amy, Ram and I ringing in the New Year which was quite different from the others. Especially Ram’s funny dancing.

15 things I learnt last year:
1. Huge Laurie is Welsh.
2. Beaches are fun
3. Sarcasm can be misinterpreted. In fact anything people say can be.
4. I need to grow a back bone. This is true and this statement is directed to no one.
5. Wild Will is Amy’s cult figure.
6. Pluto isn’t a planet anymore. Seriously who has the right to strip planetary status from a poor distant Pluto? And I wanted to be an astronomer. Actually I still do.
7. I’m a NERD nerdy retarded weird girl.
8. My name is Melissa and I are from Canadia.
9. Fergus is an unspeakable name
10. I have mad some of the best friends in the entire world. THE ENTIRE WORLD!
11. Officer Octogenarian is the most beautiful prettiest boy in the entire universe of Bamboozle.
12. Be careful what you write in a blog.
13. The name Finbarpurpleton is causes migraines.
14. Jo is a good cook.
15. Homesickness is an ongoing thing.

All in all 2006 was definitely an eventful and defining year....

I am drowning in all my self pity.

Yesterday was a good day. I went to the beach with my friends. But it turned sad when I found out my flatmate Kristine is leaving on Saturday. She is the coolest flatmate I have had.

I was also a crabby cow yesterday, I would have been better off hiding in a deep dark hole and not coming out until my mood had improved.

I am also selfish when it comes to sunscreen. I had this real paranoia that I am going to run out of it and be all burnt like I was back in April on Great Keppel Island. No scratch that I am just being selfish and mean, mostly selfish.

And apparently I am a partial journalist?

This is according to Kate. For some reason Amy is a journalist, and Kate’s a journalist but I’m a partial journalist? This all started when Chris quoted a line from my story. How woman can’t be journalists because they have woman features and Kate says to him ‘there are two journos here.” So I asked who she meant. Because I figured there would be three. But apparently not she was referring to her and Amy as journalists but I was only partial one. As if!

I have a college diploma in journalism. I worked for a student newspaper and actual newspaper before I came here to Australia. And I am member of the Canadian Association of Journalists. So to be called a partial journalist is quite annoying to me. Even if it wasn’t meant to be mean. Note: this isn’t meant to be mean towards Kate either as she is my friend. As always I am just reading into much stuff.

What do I have to do be taken seriously? Maybe I should just die! That would make the whole world a lot better. My gravestone will say: Her lies Melissa McKenna, weird nerd nerdy retarded weird girl and partial journalist, she never amounted to anything special and her crabby nature is remembered by all the unfortunate souls who came in contact with her. The End!

This pathetic I am drowning in all my self pity. I am sitting at home feeling sorry for myself. I’ll be surprised if I make it to tomorrow without feeling the same way.

You are MEAN to him but nice to everyone else? Therefore you must drink from a tap.

It’s been a long absence…

I am the second person out of my friends to update there blog this year.

2006 what a year! It appears 2007 will be just as eventful. It’s already gone off with a bang.

A new year a new enemy…I’m sick of explaining about this one.

A new job – I have a new job at a canteen at the local meat works. They hate me I know it. Perhaps I am just paranoid. But it is an easy job.

Same friends- Yay! Who wouldn’t want to start of the New Year with these amazing individuals?

A new story is in the works –its science fictiony but still silly like the superheroes one. In the words of Philis “Only you would write science fiction like stuff because you’re a NERD nerdy retarded weird girl!” Yes, yes I am. You can read it here if you like.

Amy is a pirate and I am a droid from a distant planet called D3 – you’ll have to ask Chris about this one.

And apparently God broke my Brita jug because I am too mean?

To explain this one I will execute a story with two fictional characters called Rocky and Rose.

Rocky and Rose do not get along very well. Rocky is an arrogant doo doo face from an exotic foreign country and Rose is a know it all from some westernised country.

One day Rose asks Rocky to help cover the costs of using her Brita filter jug. Because she figures if he uses it he should help with the costs. Rocky reacts by saying she is ‘mean.’

A few days later Rose drops her Brita jug it cracks and breaks precious filtered water flows all over the floor.

The day after that Rocky imposes a very important fact on Rose.

Rocky: I notice your jug is broken.
Rose: So?
Rocky: That is what you get for being mean. You may think no one knows but the people up stairs they know.
Rose: (gives a confused look) Are you suggesting God made me break my water jug.
Rocky: Yes because you’re mean. I’ve seen this happen many times before.
Rose has a flashback to the previous day. She is grabs her water jug out of the fridge. Seconds later she is interrupted by a booming voice.
God: You have been mean; there for you shalt not haveth nice tasting filtered water!
Rose: Oh well….. I will try to be nicer to everyone because I can’t drink tap water please God give me strength to be a nicer better person. (She is most definitely not kidding about this one. )
God: Everyone?
Rose: Everyone except Rocky. (She drops the jug)
God: You are MEAN to him but nice to everyone else? Therefore you must drink from a tap.
Rose: OK have it your way God. I learnt my lesson
End of flashback.
Rose: That’s the stupidest thing I have heard in my entire life.
Rocky: No it isn’t I have seen it happen many times to people.
Rose: Stop saying words!

Moments later Rose’s friend lends her a spare Brita Jug, therefore ruining Rocky’s ENTIOR THEORY! God looks back on how rude Rocky is to Rose and sends an even ruder lady to berate him for not paying a power bill, which in turn equalizes the destruction of the Brita jug.

End of story.

This story is of course about me and my flatmate Kumar I just though it would be better to write this story with a different name rather than take his name in vain 13 times and well I wanted too.

I also might add I wasn’t trying to be sacrilegious. I believe in God and if there was some reason why my stupid jug broke and it’s a form of cosmic balance for being mean, then so be it. I learnt my lesson.

And now its time to share my one and only…

My New Years Resolution: to finish my book and publish it. I have now written 31 chapters of my story, which you can read here. It’s safe to say I am obsessed with it.

I even followed in on my plan. I decided to look into finding an agent. I decided on New York Literary Agency. Big mistake! They almost ripped me off luckily commonsense kicked in before my wallet opened. To put it simple they’re a fake literary agency who pray on writer dreams. Luckily I Googled the name before it was too late. I could write a whole blog entry on this.