Meet Philis Philmore

For the last few days I have been sick with a cold that I caught from Joan. It has sucked. Any attempt to be creative drained from me much like nasal mucus that has left me, but you probably didn’t want to know that.

So those waiting for Chapter 41 of my story I apologise for the wait. It is now ready to read here. In fact I am so inspired by a burst of creativity I dreamt all of Chapter 42, possibly 43. The book is now officially over 80,000 words.

So in honour of the new chapter, today I will turn over my blog to Philis Philmore for a Philis like entry.

Dear people of the universe,

This is my first weight loss entry. You probably won’t be able to finish reading it because it’s too fat to read. And by the time I am finished I hope to have lost a 500 kilos. But Ashleigh says if I lost 500 kilos I’d die. More about my nerdy friend later.

As some of you may or may not know, I am Philis Apricot Georgina Philmore. One thing that gets me made besides being called fat is how people commonly misspell my name because I am fat. People either spell it Phyllis, Phillis or Phylis, but it’s spelt PHILIS! It makes me so made I go up another dress size.

Ashleigh my NERD nerdy retarded weird girl friend says that my name means green leaves. So I asked her if the green leaves she mentioned were fat. She said no as always. Then tells me to never mind, but you can’t never your own mind, especially me because I am fat. She must think my brain is drowned in my fat.

And because of my fatness I am going on a diet which consists of not eating anything for a whole hour, which will be hard because I like food and it’s not because I’m fat. That’s just a stereotype, but the type of stereo I am not sure.

Today consisted of me and my duty as coffee girl at Bamboozle Times, but the Editor Nigel Bottington doesn’t like my coffee and often threatens to fire me because I am fat. Then the Acting Assistant Editor Norma Normington keeps saying I should die. I say: That’s terrible.

Ashleigh and I have formulated a plan to poison Nigel with the coffee, but the problem is he doesn’t drink it all the time. One time a reporter Paul McNewberrys drank the coffee meant for Nigel by mistake and he began to have grandiose ideas of grander, such as story ideas, Nigel quickly shot him down saying he was uncool.

The only reporter not to be affected our coffee schemes is Sarah Evans because she drinks herbal tea. Ashleigh told me it was because she thinks coffee causes cancer. I called her a liar because if I served something that was cancer causing I wouldn’t be serving it in the first place. Ashleigh said that it was just Sarah’s NERD writer pretty girl speculation.

Here’s our conversations as follows:

Philis: Hiiiiiiii Ashleigh
Ashleigh: Hi Philis
Philis: Sarah doesn’t like the coffee I make is it because I’m fat?
Ashleigh: No Philis she drinks herbal tea.
Philis: Only Greek people drink herbal tea.
Ashleigh: Maybe she is Greek
Philis: She doesn’t look Greek.
Ashleigh: Actually she told me not to tell you this but she doesn’t drink coffee because she thinks it causes cancer. She thought you might be offended by this.
Philis: Ashleigh I wouldn’t make stuff that is cancer causing because people would get sick and die.
Ashleigh: Clearly, but it hasn’t been scientifically proven that coffee actually causes cancer.
Philis: You haven’t been scientifically proven.
Ashleigh: Neither have you! She also said she doesn’t drink coffee because it matches her skin.
Philis: What! That’s stupid. I eat ice cream and it matches my skin.
Ashleigh: That’s not ice cream Philis that peach sorbet.

Thank you for not reading.

Philis

For more Philis adventures read here!