NO PRESENTS FOR YOU!

Today was an awesome day. I went to a movie Barnyard with Jack. It was actually pretty funny, except there were heaps of little kids at the theatre today. One burst into tears after she spilt her popcorn. After the movie we just hung out and talked. It was cool. Jack likes to ask me questions about Canada a lot. He told me all about the time he was in the New Zealand Army and how he wants to go to Britain. It was pretty cool.

Amy for some reason Chris told me to say that you’re a sell out.

Yesterday instead of writing essays for class. I wrote another Carol story inspired by a conversation between Chris and me. It be a long story my friends.

Melissa, Carol and Chris are sitting at the uni refectory. Today by some odd coincidence they are discussing the North Pole.
Chris: Is the North Pole a country?
Melissa: I’m not sure I think its part of Canada or Denmark.
Carol: Noooo the North Pole is a country. Where do you think Santa Claus lives?
Awkward silence….
Melissa: Ummm Carol you do know that Santa isn’t real?
Carol: (bursts into tears.) How come you didn’t tell me?
Chris: Melissa you’re really mean.
Melissa: I’m sorry Carol I thought you knew?
Carol: What else haven’t you told me?
Melissa: Well umm… there’s no Easter Bunny.
Carol: (cries) Mel-issa you’re the meanest NERD Fat brain EVER!
Melissa: Well there’s no Tooth Fairy either
Carol: But she leaves me money for me? When I loose my teeth? (Continues to sob)
Chris: Melissa STOP IT! You know her fat incrusted brain can’t handle vaginas I mean the truth.
Melissa: Carol…I’m just joking of course there is a Santa (Winks at Chris) Right Chris.
Chris: Oh right of course…you’re a doo doo head.
Amy shows up at the refectory. She sits down with her friends.
Amy: (cheerfully)Hey guys! My fellow A.E.S.M. members….MELISSA I can’t believe you’re getting married.
Chris: Hey Amy…your looking…
Melissa: (Slaps Chris) don’t say it.
Amy: Yes and I am her maid of honour.
Melissa: (Looks uncomfortable) Ummm…What! I’m not getting married. I just said I liked a guy that’s all.
Carol: I’m maid of honours or this friendship is over!
Melissa: Carol Amy just blew what I said out of proportion
Amy: Noooo I didn’t. He hasn’t asked yet. I just KNOW he likes you.
Carol: I hate you….You know nothing NERD.
Melissa: Carol if I was getting married don’t you think I would have a ring?
Carol: (inspects Melissa’s left hand) Perhaps it’s an invisible ring.
Amy: Just like Wonder Woman. Oh I wish I could see you’re invisible ring.
Melissa: Wonder Woman had an invisible jet not an invisible ring.
Chris: Well you can’t see it if it’s invisible
Uncomfortable silence ensues.
Carol: Is your finance invisible too?
Melissa: What? Oh you mean my fiancé? There isn’t one.
Amy: Well obviously if he is invisible…Wait what did I blow out of proportion?
Melissa: YOU KNOW! The guy I like.
Chris: You mean Jack?
Melissa: Shut up!
Amy: I reckon he likes you.
Carol: Hey look its Santa. Yay!
The big jolly red elf appears. He has big bag of toys and a belly that jiggles like a bowl full of jelly.
Santa: Ho ho ho! Hello Carol you’ve been a good FAT girl this year.
Carol: I know I have! Unlike my friend…You know the Fat brain NERDY retarded weird girl.
Chris: Hi Santa. What are you doing in Australia in July?
Santa: NO PRESENTS FOR YOU!
Amy: That’s OK I have the bestest friends in the world…I don’t need prezzies
Santa: Good because… NO PRESENTS FOR YOU! (He hands Amy a wooden duck a.k.a. a dead bird)
Amy: (Looks at gift) Doesn’t this qualify as a present? Ewww… it smells.
Santa: No it’s a dead bird.
Melissa: So that’s where it went.
Santa: Melissa you made Carol cry so NO PRESENTS FOR YOU! (He hands Melissa and Chris lumps of coal)
Chris: Goodo this will end the fuel shortage at home.
Melissa: Thanks for the fossil fuel dickhead!
Carol: Yay! I get presents.
Santa: (hands Carol some diet shake mix) Ho ho ho! There you go Carol.
Carol: (Looks at present) Oh gee Santa I can’t take your supply…you’re fatter than me?
Santa: (glares at Carol) YOU’RE FAT! I’m just full of jelly.
Carol: Jelly fat?
Santa: Nooo Carol. My tummy is like a bowl full of jelly.
Carol: Yes that’s a nice way of saying your FAT!
Santa: (takes Carols present away) NO PRESENTS FOR YOU!
Santa disappears in a puff of smoke. Carol, Melissa, Amy and Chris sit in silence. The oddity confounding them.
Melissa: Ummm OK so I was wrong about Santa
Carol: Yes, yes you were. You NERD NERDY retarded weird girl.
Melissa: Shut up FAT ASS!
Amy: Melissa! Since when do you talk to your friends like that?
Melissa: Ummm…I only talk to Carol like that. I mean she calls me a NERD all the time.
Carol: Yes Melissa and I are friends. JUST US! NOT YOU! Chris made it in by default because I’m fat!
Amy: (cries) But I WAS Melissa’s FIRST AUSSIE FRIEND and I invited Chris in Curse you Chris!
Chris: (Looks uncomfortable) Ummm…Carol Amy’s skinny enough to fit into our group.
Carol: Nooo you’re not even a friend. Just a weird AUSSIE acquaintance.
Chris: Fine then! Maybe you should have accepted Santa’s slim mix.
Melissa: I believe Carol had reason for it. Also CHRIS and AMY are allowed in our friendship circle because I said so.
Amy: Awwwh you’re such a Canadian, always a peace keeper, never a warrior, always a wallflower, and always being nice.
Melissa: What? Amy you’re not making any sense?
Amy: Well I read about Canadian national identity in an encyclopaedia. Also I have a dead bird!
Carol: You’re not Canadian your just the Aussie NERD version of Melissa. One nerd is enough. I found enough fat already.
Melissa: Besides your own?
Carol: Shut up! Melissa, at least I’m not obsessed with a guy who eats babies.
Chris: Carol! Jack doesn’t eat babies. Mel-issa just put me on the spot.
Melissa: Uh yeah sorry about that Chris. Uh Amy you might want to get rid of that dead bird.
Amy: No no its MINE!
Melissa: Sure if you say so!
Chris: Yes Melissa we all no about the dead bird!
Carol: I don’t is it fat?
Melissa: Uh well not really…
Chris: (whispers into Carol’s ear) its actually….
Carol: Ewww…MELISSA! That’s disgusting! You NERD!
Amy: Wait am I missing something here?
Chris: (whispers into Amy’s ear) its actually….
Amy: OH MY GOSH! Melissa! (She throws the dead bird away!)
Melissa: (Looks embarrassed) Thanks for telling everyone Chris.
Chris: Don’t mention…we couldn’t have any more suspense about the dead bird.
Kate shows up and decides to sit with the group.
Kate: How’s it going guys!
Carol: What are you doing here?
Kate: I was just about to say the same thing!
Carol: I asked you first!
Kate: Maybe I DON’T want to answer you!
Melissa: Oh come on can you not fight with in the first two seconds of meeting each other?
Carol: Melissa you remember what happened last time. She told me I should die and that I was FAT!
Kate: Well that’s true Carol. You ARE FAT!
Chris: Kate! Didn’t Melissa tell you that Carol was sensitive about weight issues?
Amy: Carol isn’t fat. She is beautiful just the way she is. Just like Mr. Darcy and Bridget Jones. He likes her just the way she is…
Melissa: You watch too many movies.
Carol: Are you that way?
Chris: I am!
Amy: Noooo of course not. I was just trying to build up your self esteem.
Carol: What so I can get fatter?
Melissa: No Carol you fucktard! So you feel better about yourself. Self acceptance and love is key!
Carol: Ewwww…. Melissa I’m not mesexual!
Kate: Ewwww…You’re a big fat VAGINA!
Carol: What! I think you are!
Kate: I was talking to Chris.
Melissa: Ummm… Carol what’s mesexual?
Carol: You know!
Amy: I don’t want to know!
Chris: I think it’s to do with self exploration.
Amy: Chris! You’re disgusting.
Melissa: Chris! Shut up you perv!
The group disperses…Carol and Melissa wander on to their next argument…I mean adventure. Chris and Kate go off to participate in Chris and Kate activities and Amy goes back to Canberra. THE END!