Rambling towards forgiveness!

I just don’t feel like writing in my blog lately… I mean I want to write, but my drive is lacking. I write at least every day sometimes 4 times a week in my journal, but internet is lacking and well ummmm I don’t really want to share everything.

Kind of like how I don’t want to share the hot chocolate I am drinking at Timmies right now. You can perhaps have the paper cup once I am finished but the inner contents are mine, mine, mine.

Well I could say I am pissed off at someone I thought was a good friend, not only does he give me the silent treatment most of the time lately, but I tried to tell him about how I am struggling with Hev-Lady type problems mainly her scary temper and head games because I thought he might offer some advice and he point blankly didn’t believe me. He said I was just putting my mother in a negative light and implying it’s important to honour your parent’s type vibe. How do you honour someone who emotionally, mentally and physically abused me when I was young? How do you honour a father you’ve never met? I think the more important question to ask is how to do you forgive? How do I forgive my mother even after she’s said sorry to me hundreds of times and how do I forgive my father for not wanting to know me and abandoning me before I was even out of the womb?

He said my comments where damaging and I should take a look in the mirror, etc, etc. So what if I said God stuck me with my mother for a reason and he was probably upstairs laughing at me because I put myself in the same situation despite the constant warnings from people who care about me, especially Sue-Woman. I am feeling angry, confused and helpless about the situation I have wittingly stuck myself in. I wasn’t implying it was in a negative sense. I then told him how she only shows the Hev-Lady she wants people to see, but of course according to him a lot of people are like that. Well I like to think I am genuine and the Melissa everyone sees is the same no matter what. I try to blend in between the different hats I wear, but my mother might as well wear a paper bag on her head and call it a hat. Blah. I love my mother or else I wouldn’t attempt to put up with her, try to forgive her for past offences and seek advice. But no apparently my lack of love is not a question because I wouldn’t be living with her if I didn’t because most girls my age are living on their own doing their own thing…rah, rah! So now I am not normal like other 25 year olds and either I am just being a compulsive liar looking for attention or Hev-Lady is a hell of a good actress. Yes I put my spin on it, but I swear to God I am not lying. I am just telling it as I see it and he would rather criticise me instead.

I ask my other friends, they at least offer ear to listen and basically tell me the same thing “Get out of there!!!” Or if it gets really bad have a bag ready and go to a shelter. I am not looking for sympathy. I just want to talk to someone about it, so I can process it and try to fix the situation. Maybe if I told him the Mean Mommy nightmares were returning or how when she is angry she is not my mom anymore. How about when I have an anxiety attack she gets mad at me because it annoys her and embarrasses her? Grrrrr!!!! I told my mom how she is treating me, anything I say to friends I say to her. I made it a rule. He probably just doesn’t understand because he had both parents and they appeared relatively stable.

So I was worried maybe I said too many negative things about my mom and I apologised to her for maybe saying things I shouldn’t have and I wasn’t aware of it. I asked my other church friends one said she’s never heard me say a bad thing about her and another said I am genuine enough to explain what’s happening and how I am having a rough time dealing with my mother because she is overbearing.

So my first entry of the New Year is 18 days late and it’s all rambly. And it is biased I won’t deny it. I am having troubles with my mother and this is my perception of it. Take it or leave it! It appears that 2010 will be the year I learn how to forgive and that is the only resolution I have.

P.S. In case I forgot Happy New Year!