My final Public Post: Me and Mormonism Part 4

Yesterday was a big day. I got so caught up over opinions regarding my blog that I forgot to mention something I find truly freeing.

I had just arrived home and I saw a pile of envelopes on the table underneath my roommates mail was….

A letter from The Church of Jesus Christ of Later Day Saints saying they acknowledge my letter, but it has to be sent to the Branch President in Terrace to hand it as it’s an ecclesiastical matter as well as a very pretty brochure encouraging me to come back and they are so very sorry if they offended me, etc.

Here is it as follows: (I know my friend whom in my elation was the first one to read said I should scan it and post it but I cannot wait to share :P I promise I shall post it and the brochure next time once I find a scanner.)

“Dear Sister McKenna:

I have been asked to acknowledge your recent letter in which you request at your name be removed from the records of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

I have also been asked to inform you that the Church considers such a request an ecclesiastical matter that must be handled by local priesthood leaders before being processed by Church employees. Therefore, your letter and a copy of this reply are being sent to President of the Canada Vancouver Mission. He will have President Ivan D. Bohle of the Terrace Branch contact you concerning the fulfillment of your request.

In view of the eternal consequences of such an action, the Brethren urge you to reconsider your request and to prayerfully consider the enclosed statement of the First Presidency.

Sincerely,

Gregory W. Dodge

Manager, Member and Statistical Records.”

So very soon I could be getting a phone call, maybe even some missionaries, home teachers or the bishop paying me a visit because they are so very concerned about me leaving the church, never mind the fact I asked them not bother me. Figures.

The thing is I don’t consider myself a Latter Day Saint. I follow a different Jesus then they do. Their prior President Gordon B. Hinckley even admitted they follow a different Jesus then orthodox Christians. I don’t think Mormons are bad people they are just misguided and on a different path then the one I want to be on. It’s personal it’s not an attack against them or anything. I know they want to stop me out of love, but if they love me they will let me go.

I know this sounds weird but I think I was being set up for this time as I had to deal with a couple of Jehovah’s Witnesses earlier that day. I failed miserably I couldn’t even at least witness to them that I was comfortable with my faith. I couldn’t even say thank you for your interest but I am Christian. Can I say that to a Mormon missionary or whomever accosts me at home or over the telephone? They consider themselves Christians too, despite that most religious scholars say otherwise and have considerable evidence to prove their standpoint.

Also what is going to happen when Sue-Woman and Jim- Lady Man find out? Will they disown me? My aunt and uncle might be a bit PO’d as well. You know what though; it’s not for them to decide is it?

In regards to the disaster this blog has created. I edited all the posts in which I feel made any reference to anyone I know that was inappropriate. I am not going to write about anyone I know anymore. In fact as I know there are a lot of online readers I haven’t met. I am considering making this blog private again to ensure this nonsense and hurt can’t happen anymore. Therefore, if this happens you may need to request an invitation to read. Sorry this has to happen but I’m sick of the BS and grief it has caused me. I can’t be putting anymore people into therapy over what I write. I am truly sorry I hurt anyone and I know that I am not the only one hurting. The whole world is!

Melissa :)

P.S. Pretty Blue Eyes is officially no more! I’d rather have a Hawk Eyed Pearce or a Captain Kirk instead. Hmmmph!

All will be revealed

I found an interesting comment on my blog concerning my apology to an anonymous person (who wasn’t quite anonymous due to my curse of descriptiveness). So with out further adieu…

Here is the comment as follows…

Forgive me for I am not a writer and am not excellent at expressing myself. But this is no matter, I still have something to say.

What an awful apology. I know of all these people that you write about (as well as being one of them) and know that you would not be able to handle any of the awful words that you have said about them like they have since you started your blog.

I learnt a long time ago from the movie Bambi something very valuable; Thumper admits to his mother that you shouldn't say anything if you don't have anything nice to say. Also the bible tells us that we should do unto others as we would have done to us. Melissa I beg of you to delete the entirety of this blog so that the hurt, gossip, and need for constant apologies can stop.

An apology is so much more than just saying sorry - it means that the apologizer will also stop doing whatever it was that needed to be apologized for in the first place. But even after apologizing the hurtful words about others still contiues.

This whole situation has dampened my spirits for sometime now. All of the people that you have spoken about with hate have all worked hard to be a positive influences in your life and as this blog proves you have turned a blind eye to their kindness. Stop looking for annoyances, but instead look for the positive blessings that God gives you each day. I hope that you will soon be able to understand the hurt that you are causing. You are not the only one who is hurting and this venue for healing your pains is not the right one. Please know this and take it to heart.

And now it is my turn to reply:

Firstly, I will have you know Mr (and or) Ms. Anonymous Commenter who doesn’t even have the decency to reveal themselves to me in real life or on the comment itself, (unlike the friend who finally brought my misguided words it to my attention.) I started this blog way before I met anyone whom you say I am talking about. I started this blog October 2005 as a chronicle of my journey to Australia. It has since transcended my Australian adventures and is now a day to day account of my random musings.  I did not even know you then. You made it sound like I started this blog a few months ago, try a few years ago. When I started this blog, I never set out to hurt anyone or dampen anyone’s spirits. I set out to write, enough said. No malicious intent intended.

Yes the words were harmful I acknowledged that. I apologised to the persons involved She didn’t accept which was her right. I even apologised to God. I have written some pretty mean things about others too in the past. I apologised, should have learnt the first time but I did not. I am human sometimes people make mistakes and yes they should be lessons, but sometimes it’s easy to ignore, because its easier to forget the pain the mistakes have cost. Especially someone like me who likes to be honest and write what I want with out thinking.

You whole comment is blatantly contradicting throughout. Apparently this whole blog debacle was talked about behind my back. If you may remember I put a clear warning I was about to write stuff which people may find offensive….

“Warning: this entry will most likely incriminate myself!” – June 12 2010

I even wrote a further explanation about the entry the next day….

I knew what I was doing was wrong. I wasn’t doing it for vindication….its my blog I was frustrated over something irrational. I like to write what I think, what I feel, I have no sensors and the editing when I write (and when I talk) so it all comes out like vomit. I can’t stop it, it just comes out and this blog just happens to be my toilet bowl.

I also deleted the entry as a way to show I am sorry, but sadly the damage is done, it cannot be fixed completely, but at least I tried on my own terms. I am sorry but this is my blog and I am the one who decides if it will be deleted. I don’t think I have been hateful in anyway, just truthful.

You’re right you’re not a writer, but I am. I write because to me everything in life that I experience, every essence begs me to record it and to express it somehow or I seriously explode from madness. I have to write or I will wither inside. But, for someone who claims not to be good at expressing themselves you did a pretty good job of it.

You know what I will never write about them again because of the hurt I have caused them whether they even read it or not. And if you had enough balls like my friend who brought this to my attention you’d ask me who I was writing about her in the first place. Or like some who apparently were talking about this whole conundrum behind my back. If you think I was writing about you in any other entries, you are more then welcome to ask me to my face not hide behind the computer screen like a coward.

Thank you very much for your opinions. I have considered them as you can tell. I will leave it at that before I continue to rant. Also my friend Jo left you a lovely response to this on the entry perhaps you may like to read that as well.

P.S. I am apparently sound like a tattle tale! Dude something about this is so elementary school.

The Ultimate Designer!

God to me is the ultimate designer, a writer an artist, a scientist, an enigma.

He is the author of creation.

His words are more powerful then man, transcending generations.

Love everlasting beyond all comprehension

The holder of salvation

Like any great artist or novelist the world to Him was once like a blank piece of paper

Darkness waiting for light

Waiting for His words, His art, His wisdom

And with these talents He brought life.

All creation hand crafted

Our very image is reflected in Him.

An author knows all about their characters and who they are meant to be.

God knows everyone and who they will become!

Everywhere at once and with everyone at all times.

Intimately involved in there lives whether they admit it or not.

Those who know him long to know Him more,

The celebrate the truth of there being

A life with meaning, with out darkness

Whilst other refuse to acknowledge Him,

Hidden in the dark, never seeing the beauty of light

Refusing to see his signature inscribed on us, in the world we live.

Yet, nothing happens by chance,

Only fools say in there words and in there hearts God does not exist.

But,

God is the author of creation and salvation.

Our existence is absurd with out Him

P.S. It’s a poem I wrote for church service this Sunday, but the Pit-bull made me work. :( So I missed the reading of it.

A typical Tuesday?

OWE MY ENTIRE LEGS! They feel like lead weights. I’m surprised can even stand upright…Perhaps I should explain…

It all started like a typical Tuesday morning. You know the old routine, dragging my tired ass out of bed, having my daily coffee, which I have to have or as my roomie puts it I’ll ‘have one mother of a headache’ (stupid caffeine addiction!) Then I make my lunch, get dressed etc…the usual mundane things.

That day I was very anxious because I had to let some new cashiers shadow me, I am so anal retentive about my till that it was painful to let someone else do it, who clearly had no idea what they were doing. Also as it was my sign in number any mistake they make I’ll get the love letters (till audits) for. I made them bag mostly. I probably drove the newbie’s crazy.

For instance, I have to have my bills all facing the same way and my credit card receipts in a certain place in a neat little pile and I bagging merchandise for customers is a whole other story.… Do not put cleaner with food and keep the cold stuff together, THE END! I was so observant of everything, every mistake was magnified. One girl kept forgetting to scan stuff and when I told her she argued with me. I of course proved I was right. One girl that shadowed me was so scared she was shaking. I suggested she try the PA for a price check, so she could learn how it was done and she looked liked she was going to be sick. It didn’t help this cashier trainee also had really bad breath and/or body odour. It was torture. I am surprised I remained so patient on this typical Tuesday.

Then as I ended my shift….The Pit bull (Front End Manager) pulled me aside and told me I was going to be CSM (Customer Service Manager) yay! So my day ended really for once! Basically I was entirely promoted!

Since then I have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off. Everyone wants you at once and you are always moving, and then add my new endeavours of walking to work so I can get in shape. I could barely walk home. Strangely enough I like it!

P.S. I have a new place a new position at work, now all I need is a drivers licence a car and a boyfriend.

An entire apology for nothing!

In the words of Sarah Evans “Oh my goodness!”

I swear to God I keep contradicting myself because someone doesn’t like what I do, makes me feel bad and therefore I go against myself and apologise for being honest (about a anonymous person by the way.)

I deleted the “Poisonous Secret” entry because it turns out…

Anonymous girl whom I wrote rather nasty things about hadn’t even read it. So to save future damage to this girls feelings whom I realise isn’t a bad person intelligence or not.

Pretty Blue Eyes caught me in my attempt to be brave and say I am sorry. So I was upfront and honest and told him what had happened and said I had to apologise to her. He said something quite the opposite.

Pretty Blue Eyes: Why the furrowed brow?

Me: Oh no reason. I just wrote some nasty comments about such and such on my blog! I am way to honest when I write sometimes and it backfires.

Pretty Blue Eyes: Oh really? (Something along those lines)

Me: Now I think I have to apologise and its way harder then it sounds.

Pretty Blue Eyes: No doubt about it…

Me: I feel really bad…such and such told me and it made me cry so I knew it was wrong… (I was careful not to mention it was about him and her, although I had the sneaky suspicion he does know on some level due to his acute intelligence in certain matters.)

Pretty Blue Eyes: Have you deleted it?

Me: No! I figured the damage has already been done!

Pretty Blue Eyes: (Laughs that weird silent laugh when he is highly amused with something I have said) Maybe you should delete it so no more damage can be done.

Me: I guess

Pretty Blue Eyes: Maybe don’t even tell her about your blog, because you could be causing unnecessary hurt.

Me: But such and such implied she had read it! (Turns out it was just my overactive imagination telling me she had!)

Pretty Blue Eyes: Well I guess you have to do what you have to do.

Put it this way, apology wasn’t accepted. I went to apologise and it was hell of an awkward situation because she didn’t even know what I was talking about just like Pretty Blue Eyes suggested.

Me: Hi I don’t know if you’ve read my blog, but I felt it was important to apologise to you about what I had written about you, which was rather hurtful.

Girl: (Awkwardly) Ah OK? I’ve never read it!

Me: (awkward moment arrives, my friend Chris would say this is the moment a gay baby is born…) Well I thought I would say sorry anyways just in case. I deleted it so no further damage can be done.

Girl: Well what did you write?

Me: (Oh fucking hell! You that you were a twat, blabedy blah nothing too horrible) Uh well I was having these nightmares where I was very mean to you and I wrote about it.

Girl: Well what is it about? (She asked me several times actually)

Me: It wasn’t very nice at all! I deleted to save you from further hurt or embarrassment.

Girl: So you’re not even comfortable to tell me? (She said that a lot too!)

Me: Nooooo…(Not a Philis Philmore type of no by the way.) (Oh my God this is painfully awkward!) You really don’t want to know.

Girl: I am going to wonder now? Why won’t you tell me?

Me: It was all about irrational jealousy…

Girl: (obviously even more confused) about what?

Me: Oh you know random stuff! (I should have just said it was about my presumptions about her and Pretty Blue Eyes.)

Girl: Well I wish I could say apology accepted but I don’t even know what you are talking about and you won’t tell me…

Me: Ask such and such…I can send it too you if you really want to read it! I mean I didn’t even use your name.

Girl: So why are you apologising?

Me: Oh this is so painfully awkward…because I wrote about you!

So it kind of ended there…after agonising minute after minute of perpetual confusion and gay babies being born….(50 or more had to have been brought into this world.) she was really nice about it and everything. And I don’t feel mean jealous feelings anymore. At least now I can say I am not two-faced. I also I learnt I wish I kept my feelings between Pretty Blue Eyes and I. Kept it private where it belonged now its just a big mess. I wish I hadn’t listened to my friend about this either, even though she meant well. At least I’ve attempted to make it right with the universe and God!

Pretty Blue Eyes summed it up when he said “It wasn’t like you are the best of friends anyways so at least you can get over it.” He also said I had balls for being forward and apologising as well as having an ego boost because he was all knowing and right about this in the first place. Why didn’t I just tell him what happened a week ago! His advice usually pans out even if I feel like a twat in the process.

Ah matters of the heart will they ever end?

P.S. I’m making banana blueberry muffins woot!

Cheeseburger Cookies!

Another night at the library...(whilst my computer is off being repaired!) mostly to escape the heat outside and to have some alone time to think. Its becoming a habit. I am a habitual reoccurring character who graces the presence of the small town library. I get a lot of books here. In fact I think they know all the authors I like, because I continually harass them about the lack of Robert Rankin books there is not a single one in this entire library! THE ENTIRE LIBRARY! I have to get an interlibrary loan and if I take longer then 3 weeks and want to renew them and I have more then one book well I know for a fact the library will get pissy with me. It's the same thing with Christopher Moore! Except they only had 2 of his books, luckily now more have arrived but by the time they became part of the regular catalogue here I had to make numerous interlibrary loans rah! It only took a missing book from the Acorna series (because for some reason they think its proper to have all the books except the second) I discovered I could borrow from other libraries. Too bad I didn't realise this when I was pretty much going crazy because they didn't have the Thursday Next series by Jasper Fforde. They only have his newest book, but they are still very much Jasper deprived!

Too bad I discovered a new author I like. They know this because I brought six books at once!

The author is Joanne Fluke, she satisfies both of my interests, reading and baking....Her series of Hannah Swensen books are about a baker/sleuth from Lake Eden Minnesota who somehow always manages to come across murder victims. They all had it coming too for either being a complete not-wat or seducing the whole of the towns married men or just pissing off the wrong people, which pretty much implicates a lot of people in town. Anyways Hannah always manages to solve the case, whilst baking for her shop, handing two men, a cat and dealing with mother who kind of reminds me of Sue-Woman who is insistent in marrying her off. I can usually figure out who did it which is a bit annoying but I really only read the books for the recipes...which I attempted like blueberry muffins, cookies (which yield way more then I can eat) and these which I sooooo want to make someday.

They are cheeseburger cookies! YUMMY!

Anyways, does the library have all 13 books in the series....no they do not. I found 8. I have six taken out and ready to read...Therefore I should either stop reading series or grumble some more as always. Or arrive at the lovely front desk and make another interlibrary loan request and confirm more then once that they do not HAVE the books here. The library calls me more about books which have come in for me only a close second Hev-Lady, my work is in third place...

P.S. The heat is not so fun...It seems like summer came out of nowhere.

Pit-Bulls Me and Mormonism Part 3

Today started off rather intrusively.

Roommate: Melissa! Melissa!

Me: Huh?

Roommate: (probably pissed off because its 8:20 in the morning) Melissa! Phone!

Me: (stirs a little…as I am still waking up) Uh?

Roommate: Melissa! Phone! Phone! PHONE!

Me: Oh!…(answers)

Pit-bull (manger from work, don’t worry it’s an affectionate nickname): Hi Melissa sorry to call you so early. I was wondering if you’d like a shift today…at 10:30?

Me: (Wooh hooo They gave me more than 30 seconds notice) Sure!

Pit-bull: You’ll really take it! (sounded like a kid arriving at the candy store, too bad she is diabetic :P)

Me: Yes! (Poor roommate did NOT look happy to be woken up.)

Anyways if it wasn’t for the Pit-bull calling me in….I wouldn’t have used the extra time to send off my letter to the Mormon Church with my name removal request…Woot! I sent it express too! After I kept struggling to get the address right, (I was nervous so sue me.) In fact I had an odd conversation with the post-lady she couldn’t understand that even if you stop going to Mormon Church you’re still a member.

Post-Lady: Express is just as cheaper then registered mail.

Me: OK. Why not I’ve been putting this off for too long.

Post-Lady: So do they have member records on genealogy?

Me: (Oh crap I ran into one of them) Uh I think so? You’re not a member are you? Because I am sending off a letter to remove my name from their records…

Post-Lady: No I am just doing family research I heard they have a lot of genealogical records.

It went on for a while before she finally stopped pestering me about it.

So in a few days either I am no longer a member or the harassment begins.

P.S. I think my friends are right when they say I shouldn’t sensor myself, but it doesn’t mean its right to hurt someone’s feelings.

A red sweater apology!

Dear readers of the universe, people I have offended, people I love,

This isn’t really a proper apology; more of an explanation maybe even a question I must solve on my own.

I have been had. I can’t even wear the right sweater! My red one is too old, but I love my red sweater. I can’t even write anything with out it coming under scrutiny even if it is deserved, but I love writing. I feel like I am under attack because I don’t live up to peoples expectations. I don’t feel like they want me too. I don’t do what they want me too. I am not an individual if I live at home with Hev-Lady. Maybe I am just wasting my time trying to appease other people’s standards, when really I should use my own.

I digress:

A friend of mine figured out who I was writing about earlier…regarding the nightmares about someone and other things as well.

Things better kept private to myself. This is of course is in regards to some truthful, damaging and subjective opinions on someone that I don’t really know, but for some reason I am irrationally jealous of. Just because I have it in my brain she likes the same guy I do.

I know that I am doing it and I sit at my computer and watch the poisonous words flow out on to screen with a care of who I am hurting. I know its wrong but I do it anyways. I don’t care it’s not like I am taking a dagger and stabbing them in the back physically, but it’s written out for everyone to see. I was writing my feelings out of selfishness because apparently I feel I am so special everyone must know how I hate this or hate that.

The venom which seeps from my fingers to the keyboard is not just limited to this one person, but many others, some anonymous and some not so secret. (Think Hev-Lady. Joan)

The moment I knew I was caught in my double faced activities I was instantaneously filled with warm dread and fear. I felt horrible! How could I dillude myself into thinking that the person I was winging about would never read it?

Friend: You have such a gift for writing and your creativity astounds me.

Me: Oh thank you? (I think I was bashful about it.)

Friend: But then I read things on your blog that is brilliant but not so nice. I think higher of you so it saddened me to read it because I know you are better then that.

Me: I have a bad habit of being a bit to honest….(starting to feel uncomfortable, perhaps even the sneaky suspicion I was being buttered up for an enormous blow of some sort) what do you mean exactly?

Friend: Did you want to talk about it now?

Me: Whenever?

Friend: I know who you were writing about someone from our group found it and pointed it out to me. I know you were writing about…

Me: (No point in denying it) Yes but it wasn’t meant to be taken offensively. I was just writing what I think.

Friend: Yes but you used words like twat!

Me: I feel really bad…that would explain why she avoids me.

It went on like this for awhile….and well… I thank this friend for her honesty, but now I am ashamed and she was supportive and told me I should make it right, etc… I ended up walking home crying in the rain because I couldn’t get my point across and because I know what I did was wrong and felt very guilty about it. Very depressing.

It’s irony because I dreamt about this conversation with this person and I am exposed. I don’t like it, but then again…

No one likes know that you don’t like them written on the a very public space, to be called a twat, told they dress like a hooker or have everyone know I think they are not the brightest crayons in the box (lacking intelligence) or be called a second hand refurbished car which is basically (this is referring to the distasteful car analogy regarding virginity.) to make it known that I subscribe to the harsh patriarchal judgements regarding a females virginity, which by the way is a myth. It doesn’t make a girl any more or less then a person…it’s really just a way to suppress a female’s sexual power. Even if in my mind I think its true, doesn’t make it right or true, it just makes it subjective and cruel.

I tried to explain to this friend it was my feelings they weren’t meant to hurt anyone. I just wanted to get them out in the open. I tried writing it privately, praying about it, talking to someone impartial which was very hard to do by the way. The best I got was someone who disliked this person just as much, which was kind of unhealthy and I knew it would backfire. The nightmares have stopped! I feel freer from the jealousy because now it is out there. Now there is no secret its not weighing me down.

But damn it interpretation is a bitch! Subjective as well, which is why it made perfect sense to me when Roland Barthes said there are no author only readers? This is also why I have some anxiety over language because nothing will ever be read the same way. It’s a instrument I have no control over. I have no control over how anyone is going to read this blog once its public, my original intention to just vent and share my writing for whomever wants to read it, could be taken to be mean spirited, which of course I am not saying it isn’t! So now everyone knows that not only do I not like this person I am jealous because of her relationship with someone else and apparently it is being taken as a personal attack. When really (and I must insist) it isn’t!

I seem to make lovely messes in the act of my writing. Bluntness is my enemy, but I like it. I like being honest when I write, sometimes to the point my honesty is warped into harpoon gun of nastiness. It’s like if you piss me off I may not tell you too your face but you can surely read about it in my blog then you will know how much I entirely want to punch you in the face or verbally attack you, etc. I don’t care if anyone gets hurt until it’s too late. Maybe I haven’t learnt?

I am just so frustrated with myself and others that I bottle up everything so I can viciously attack people. Those nasty dreams I had about this girl should have stayed in my proper journal not on the web. I would delete these entries (there are other about this person), but it is kind of redundant seeing as it has been up for a while and the damage is done. I didn’t do it to hurt this girl. I did it to vent my frustrations. I was being selfish and wanted to vent. I am guilty as charged! I pretty much asked for it.

Do you think I like being jealous? Jealousy is powerful. Like it says in Proverbs 14: 30: “A peaceful heart leads to a healthy body but jealousy is like cancer in the bones.” Bare in mind however feelings are normal! Some you cannot control and it makes you do stupid things like writing mean things on the Internet.

I wish I could say there is such thing as freedom of speech and expression, but there isn’t. Yes I can write whatever I want with out a monetary value or risk being locked away in jail, but there is a price to pay. Someone has hurt feelings because of me. I have guilt that I can feel to the very core of my heart. I have to deal with the embarrassment of my subjectivity and somehow try to apologise to this person face to face. Which will be entirely awkward…”Oh I am sorry I don’t like you? I never meant to hurt you. I did like such and such but if you like him it’s OK. I may not like it but it’s OK. I was might still be jealous that is my problem not yours…” you get the picture!

P.S. To add to the irony I am wearing the red sweater. I WILL not be getting a new one either! I am the one wearing it not you so tough beans. I love my red sweater.

P.S.S: I am sorry!